{se} Why is my head so loud

maybe who we were then is shattered, but who we are in the end is what matters

Too gentle yes, and often not seen that way given his deformities and appearance. The world had not often been kind to Ru'in, and it kills her that she'll never know if Caido was. Subsisting entirely on fragments of stories given to her by Kiada to live vicariously through a girl she still tries not to blame for her son's death.

"One of ours," she agrees with a small smile, pride helping to beat back the darkness. He had never laid eyes on Halo's snowy tundra, but he was hers in every way that mattered. Snorting a quiet laugh that feels painfully good, Ru shakes her head against his chest. "Very little. Ru'in took more after his father, and Flora and Enzo were practically clones - and took very much after me." Devilish little co-conspirators with a lust for life and grandeur that she shamelessly supports and fosters in Flora even now when she does not need her mother's aid. "But they both loved their sisters endlessly. Ru'in followed Romina nearly everywhere, and Enzo and Flora were practically fused at the hip." A slight difference to be heard in her word choice, but the dedication had been unmistakable.

She is surprised to find she is beginning to feel better as she shares these stories. Tired, too, given she'd been plagued by nightmares since her return from the swamps, but she hopes this conversation will disperse into her dreams and bring her visions of memories and laughter instead of loss.

He could feel some of the tension leaving her as she spoke, and there was joy peeking through the pain at times. Tal let his eyes drift closed as he soaked in the feeling of her laughter, however rough, and he felt more than saw the shake of her head against his chest, his cheek, his fingers. Her children were each unique, holding a special place in her heart, and Tal opened his own to them as well as he learned more about them. Gone, most, but not forgotten. And at peace now, in Mort's halls, whatever challenges they had faced in life.

He didn't fully understand her choice in wording; it's subtlety was almost lost on him, but something of her meaning got through and he nodded slowly, nibbling his lip - and promptly having to comb out a couple of stray strands of hair as he hid a smile in a nuzzle against the top of her head. "Mm. I wish I'd gotten t'know Enzo. Even if he an' Flora woulda just taken turns teasin' me." Or more likely double-teamed the teasing until he retreated, flustered and out of sorts with them both and not sure whether he was coming or going. "Did he seem happy, at least? When y'saw him with Mort?"

maybe who we were then is shattered, but who we are in the end is what matters

"They would have tortured you endlessly," she agrees with a raspy laugh. Like two hyenas fighting over a kill, or housecats toying with a mouse before deciding to eat it. Together they'd simply been too powerful an entity for most to fight against.

Settling and quieting against his chest, she hums softly. "He did. Like he had no reason to have regrets or to feel anything but at peace with what had happened." No anger or injustice, no pleading to come back. Clearly happy in Mort's realm, even if he hadn't intended to end up there so soon. "I think time passes differently there, if at all. He just...wanted us to live. To not waste the last bit of our time before reuniting with him." Scoffing a laugh, Ru shakes her head slightly against Tal's clavicle. "Unsurprising. Enzo would be offended if we didn't live life to the fullest in his honor." Or their own. While he would appreciate them dedicating things to him, he seemed to have known that Hotaru would struggle with living for his memory instead of joining him immediately. "I think he knew that part would be hardest for me. When I held him, he begged me to live. I just don't know if I actually am now." She knows things are better, unequivocally. But is she still just going through the motions?

Tal nodded in agreement, a wry, rueful smile on his lips. It was a Kaito family trait, apparently, to bully the awkward courier - never letting him get too proud or full of himself without a little helpful prodding to keep his ego in check.

The smile faded as he wrapped his arms a little more securely around Hotaru, continuing to stroke her hair as she spoke of the last time she'd seen her son. All the legends of Mort and his Halls claimed that they were a place of happiness and comfort, and that the god was endlessly kind and welcoming, but to hear someone who had actually met with that god and spoken to one who existed in that place brought faith out of the realms of the abstract and into the light of reality for Tal. His hand slowed, the courier awed and wistful as she described that meeting and Enzo's last words to her.

"Well," he said slowly, trying to find the right words for the feelings that swirled in complicated whorls within his heart. Memories of the months and years after first his father and then later his mother had passed. Wanting so desperately not to say the wrong thing in these moments of trust and vulnerability. "What's it mean to you? The difference, I mean. Between... between livin' an'... an' just survivin'?"

maybe who we were then is shattered, but who we are in the end is what matters

What indeed?

Hotaru has been considering this question far too much lately between Flora's inquiry at the spa, the entire night of the grand opening, and now this horrid reminder of all she has lost. Having Tal ask it so plainly is merely the nail in the coffin of realizing she can't procrastinate figuring it out any longer.

"It meant something very different before Sunjata and Nate." A story he partly knows after being at her bedside through her nightmares for two years. Something that changed her as deeply as having the twins, as losing Enzo. "It was always reliably the same before - I just don't know if I'm the same woman now. Or if what I saw as living back then is what I need right now." Or if it merely poses a potential regression into hurt she doesn't want to feel. "Before, it meant...socializing, partying, seeking out power and influence. Looking for a taste of something real while enjoying all the pleasures of insincerity." Hookups, hollow promises, even alcohol. Things Hotaru has not gone back to. Things she lumped together with the good and locked away in the dark. But how can she know anymore what is good for her, and what is merely a coping mechanism that convinces her she can feel for a little while? "Now I just don't know." And she feels like her life is passing her by while she sits and waits, trying to figure it out.

It wasn't an easy question, and it didn't have an easy answer. Tal wasn't sure he could answer it himself if someone had turned it around on him, truth be told, so he didn't try to rush Ru or interrupt her. It was enough to hold her, offering her his silent support and his love while she worked through what had been and what was now.

When it came down to uncertainty he nodded, his cheek warm against her hair, and let silence fall over them for a few minutes before he found his tongue again.

"I dunno about... all the rest o' that," he admitted. "Partyin' an' power an' all. But... no one's th'same person they were a year ago. Change... it's part o' livin'. An' growin' up, too, I guess." He couldn't shrug without dislodging the woman in his arms, so he settled for a sigh that ruffled golden threads. His lips tugged down towards his thinking scowl as his brow furrowed, wrestling with the complexities of life. "I guess... what makes you happy these days? Is there anythin', or anyone, that y'look forward to when y'wake up in th'mornin'?"

maybe who we were then is shattered, but who we are in the end is what matters

It's not unexpected that he doesn't understand, or even sees those traits and desires as negative - though she won't put words in his mouth - but it still inspires a familiar ache. Even Deimos, who loves her as close to unconditionally as anyone can, has never quite understood why she seeks it. Why it calls to her. In some ways, Flora following in her footsteps gives her a sense of kinship knowing there's at least one other person in the world who sees the appeal of the things that motivate her.

"It is. But for my entire life it never changed - now I don't know what else might even exist to fill that space." All she can conceive of are the boring, mundane things others fill their days with. Things Hotaru has always looked down upon, no matter how unfairly.

Tal's second question is equally difficult, and she remains quiet for a long time before slowly, hesitantly forming her answer. "You, Flora and Deimos. Alys." Perhaps Sunjata recently, but things are still so fragile that she hasn't let herself think about their friendship beyond the present. And she has gone on all of one date with George. Hotaru doesn't exactly have friends aside from those already mentioned. "The Academy." Shaking her head slightly she exhales hard, frustrated with herself. "But that's it. And I already attend to it so much I've been told to vacation." From Deimos of all people. So how can she possibly make changes that will fulfill her when she's already leaning on the few things that get her out of bed?

It didn't bother him that Hotaru enjoyed such things. If anything, he'd leaned on her experience and expertise with such social gatherings more than once, and he appreciated having a best friend who could help him out with such events. Not that he would usually admit it, of course, in their usual course of banter and teasing. But he had lived in chosen isolation too long to ever by truly comfortable in crowds and parties, and he had spent too much time among his dogs and their joyful honesty to ever understand the clever human intrigues so at home in the halls of power and politics. As others might rely on him to guide them over the featureless Tundra or the Sea of Glass, so he relied on Hotaru to guide him through the baffling jungle of social niceties that he kept finding himself in.

If any of the questions she was asking had easy answers, he knew she would have already found them. All he could do was hold her close and wish he was more clever, or more experienced, or at least just a little wiser, so that he could offer her something to ease her troubled heart.

The logs in the fire shifted and Boreal rolled over to poke them back in with a swift, pale claw so the humans wouldn't be interrupted. Tal stayed quiet, thinking fiercely as Hotaru answered his question in her own time and from her heart, and he gave her a small squeeze of appreciation when he was on the short, exclusive list. "I dunno how t'fill that kinda space, either," he admitted slowly. "Except t'just keep tryin' new things until you find ones that feel right for where y'are now."  He found a small smile, lips curving against her head. "An' a vacation sounds like a good time t'explore stuff. Y'could take up basket weavin', or sword smithin'... or, hail, y'could even sign on as an apprentice courier," he teased lightly. "See new places, meet interestin' people, get chased by molten tigers..."

maybe who we were then is shattered, but who we are in the end is what matters

New things. Well, it’s as good a place to start as any, no matter her cynicism and doubt. If the things she was once sure of are no longer fulfilling, it stands to reason that she may have room to be wrong, even about herself.

Laughing softly at the idea of being his apprentice, Hotaru tucks her legs closer to her body on the couch and leans more comfortably on Talyson’s chest. “I think I’ll stick with my academy thank you. I wouldn’t be able to resist charming all the package recipients, I’d constantly be late.” But, for all her exhaustion and doubt, she feels better. A little lighter. And though normally they sleep together in her bed, she finds her eyes dropping. “Can we do dinner in an hour?” she murmurs, sleep already apparent in her voice. Her subconscious has become accustomed to Talyson’s presence meaning a security from nightmares, and she needs just one hour of rest to feel like the rest of the evening isn’t insurmountable.

Whether he objects or not, Ru falls asleep there on his shoulder, quiet and tucked into his side as if to hide away from the rest of the world. Their food could wait for them a while longer.

- Fin <333