i'm not a whole person, and i dont think i ever will be
parts of me died in the house i grew up in
It is getting worse. He can feel it within his heart, his body, his mind. Writhing and shifting. His hands have started to tremble too, though it’s been that way the last week or so. His moods have shifted, and he suddenly realizes that it’s coming on faster than Phoebe’s had. And the realization doesn’t make his fury any easier. In fact, it manages to ignite it.
He wonders if he’s come to Caido, gotten Lusea back, and actually been happy for once has angered the gods in one way or another. That they plan to take it away. That the sins of his previous life, previous home have come back to bite him in the ass. The fear within him grows stronger, and he realizes that there’s little to be done about it now. He had tried to plant the roses, had tried to plant the last single rose he had — before the darkness snapped, and he ended up crushing it beneath his boot.
This wasn’t normal.
But he knows he needs to get away, to not become a creature like Phoebe had been. To contain himself the best he can. And he finds himself wandering, drifting toward the bone bridge with an old habit that begins to kick in. He settles by the edge of it, right in the middle, looking into the abyss below. He’s not sure if the sun has set yet, but it’s dark enough outside and he can’t see anything below. Still, he leans up against it, arms trembling and braced as he lowers his head to his chest and grits his teeth.
A constant war within himself, like it had been years ago. Like it had been weeks after he had won the trials of Korofi. When he couldn’t decide if he should leave his bed or drown himself in the bath. Like it had been when he had been stationed in the slums, a stormy night he had stood along the rooftops, wondering how long it would take to reach the street below if he jumped.
He still doesn’t know.
But before the blight gives him the courage, he slides from the edge and sits among the snow, bundled in furs and leathers, hands reaching up to hold his face as he fights back those same thoughts over and over again.
He wonders if he’s come to Caido, gotten Lusea back, and actually been happy for once has angered the gods in one way or another. That they plan to take it away. That the sins of his previous life, previous home have come back to bite him in the ass. The fear within him grows stronger, and he realizes that there’s little to be done about it now. He had tried to plant the roses, had tried to plant the last single rose he had — before the darkness snapped, and he ended up crushing it beneath his boot.
This wasn’t normal.
But he knows he needs to get away, to not become a creature like Phoebe had been. To contain himself the best he can. And he finds himself wandering, drifting toward the bone bridge with an old habit that begins to kick in. He settles by the edge of it, right in the middle, looking into the abyss below. He’s not sure if the sun has set yet, but it’s dark enough outside and he can’t see anything below. Still, he leans up against it, arms trembling and braced as he lowers his head to his chest and grits his teeth.
A constant war within himself, like it had been years ago. Like it had been weeks after he had won the trials of Korofi. When he couldn’t decide if he should leave his bed or drown himself in the bath. Like it had been when he had been stationed in the slums, a stormy night he had stood along the rooftops, wondering how long it would take to reach the street below if he jumped.
He still doesn’t know.
But before the blight gives him the courage, he slides from the edge and sits among the snow, bundled in furs and leathers, hands reaching up to hold his face as he fights back those same thoughts over and over again.
& i visit them in dreams
SUNJATA
