The Disappearing Light

He hadn't intended his mention of Remi to make his friend so uncomfortable. The bard's eyes softened as Sam's speech grew strained with awkward pauses when it came to the alchemist. "I'm sorry, Sam. I had hoped that you had managed to reconcile after his memories were taken. I can only imagine how hard it's been for you." To remember loving a man, and for that man to remember nothing of it... once, such pain would have been an exercise in sympathy for him, but now that he, too, had someone he was afraid to lose he found himself empathizing much more with his friend's plight. "You don't have to ask him anything, of course. He and Ronin are close, yes? With Remi raising his daughter while he was... ah. Indisposed? Now that Ronin is back, you can go to him for help, and I'm sure he will tell Remi."

He withdrew his hand, sipping his tea and actually tasting it this time as he considered the sheer magnitude of the task that lay before them. "Perhaps you could let Maea know as well, tomorrow morning? If you see her at the government building before you head out. So that she knows that her people are being taken and that our northern border is not as safe as we hoped it would be." The grimness was back in his tone, but it was softer than it had been, some of his anxieties assuaged by the bookmaker's courage. "We should make sure we have enough supplies to last us in case we get trapped within the woods as well. You might not need food, but I'm guessing there aren't any shrines to the Voice out there. I'll bring first aid supplies as well, in case... in case anyone needs them," he finished softly, knowing he was avoiding saying that 'Amalia and Caiside might need them,' but suspecting that he wasn't fooling Sam at all.

"Yes, it...was hard." Sam suddenly remembered that Jigano didn't know what he'd done. That he had put that exact same pain back onto Remi, but worse because of his intention to do so. Jigano had always seemed a moral sort of person, one who would care about the activities of his friends and guildmembers beyond work. Would Jigano even want him by his side if he knew what he'd done? Sam nodded along to the rest of Jigano's instructions, but his mind was really elsewhere. "I..I will tell Maea." He said absent-mindedly, his voice a quiet mumble. Once he locked onto a topic he always found it hard to let it go, chewed on it until it came out in a burst. "Jigano...um. I...I need to tell you something that...I have done. That was very..bad, of me. And I truly regret it, and it hurt someone, and..." A shaking, short sob had Sam shaking his head. "If I'm going to work with you, I think you should know but...can you listen to my story fully before you judge it?" Samuel He took a step but then felt tired He said, I'll rest a little while But when he tried to walk again He wasn't a child

"Thank you," he said quietly in regards to Maea. The relationship with his former student had become strained since her grab for power and subsequent addiction to it. He had promised not to stand in her way, but he was uncertain how much he truly supported what she had done.

He had continued on, his own focus on the rescue effort and so at first he didn't notice Sam's growing unease. The bookmaker was afraid and anxious at what he had agreed to help with, and Jigano sought to soothe him with forethought and planning as best they could with the limited information at hand. When he paused to look again to his friend and see whether the bookmaker approved he was caught off guard with the sudden outpouring of guilt.

He blinked, taken aback at the sudden change in subjects, and it took him a moment to try and catch up with the new direction the conversation had taken. Part of him railed against being distracted from the rescue he needed to mount... but Sam was one of his friends and guildmates, too. And whatever had happened had upset him greatly, leaving him more agitated than Jigano had seen him since... since...

Well. Perhaps not since the day they had met.

Drawing in a breath he quickly tried to recall all that Sam had just said. It was hard to imagine the kindly and gentle bookmaker hurting anyone. Certainly not doing so knowingly! But whatever it was seemed to be serious, so the lorekeeper nodded and set his tea cup down carefully on an end table. "Of course I will, Sam. What has happened?" he asked gently, settling in patiently to wait for as long as the red-haired Ascended man needed to gather his courage.

Sam nodded, having no idea of Jigano's distaste for Maea's mission. True, he knew the other man had not come to the meeting, but he knew Jigano was often busy. Jigano agreed to listen to his story and he took a moment to center himself, try to think of the right way to say it. But no matter how long he took, he knew it would all come out in a panicked rush, for that was just how it always happened. "Well...I...it is an odd thing to confess because I do not feel like it was me that did it..." He realised that was probably a confusing way to start and tried again. "I assume last time we spoke, I told you I was having difficulties with Remi. It says as much in my diary. Well...um...I...I knew he was going through a hard time, and I felt like all I was doing was bothering him with my...well, me, and my feelings..." The word feelings was said as if it were obviously dirty, something no one would want. "And he's probably too good for me anyway, and I was hurting, a lot. Loving him and having him not know me. So I...I..." Sam looked up into Jigano's eyes, hoped in vain that his friend might understand. "I asked The Voice to erase my memories of him. And I sent him a letter...I haven't seen it, but I know I didn't write it properly. And I...I regret it so much now. I hurt Remi, and I hurt myself, because I so wish I could remember. It was such a foolish, idiotic thing to do. But I don't...know how to handle...that...sort of thing." Shaking his head, Sam sunk even further into himself, his face buried in his knees. "I do hope you still want to talk to me, even though I have done such a thing. I...I know it's not the kind of behaviour expected of the guild..." Samuel He took a step but then felt tired He said, I'll rest a little while But when he tried to walk again He wasn't a child

Sam began his tale and Jigano tilted his head curiously, doing what he could to keep his expression open and neutral. He ached and raged for his lost friends, not knowing whether they were dead or alive, but Sam was here with him now and needed him, too, and he swallowed his own pain to tend to the bookmaker’s. At first it sounded as though the other man had been possessed, perhaps driven by some compulsion of the Voice… but then it shifted to something even more confusing, and the bard had to fight to keep a frown of confusion from marring his expression. Sam didn’t remember their last conversation? He’d had to read about it in his diary? Had Ludo taken his memories as well for some transgression?

The way Sam stumbled over the word ‘feelings’ did elicit a wince, one Jigano quickly smoothed away, though this time a small frown of disagreement furrowed his brow at hearing that the bookmaker thought himself ‘not good enough’ for the alchemist. Firstly because it just wasn’t true, and secondly because it wasn’t right for a man as kind and good as Sam to think himself worth less than anyone else.

He met his friend’s eyes squarely, biting back his protests, knowing that if he interrupted Sam the other man might not be able to find his courage again to finish a tale that was clearly so painful. He had thought that this was another thing that had been to a mortal, against their will, and he was fiercely on the bookmaker’s side in that moment.

Until he heard that Sam had asked, consciously, willingly, for his memories to be removed, and Jigano drew in a short, sharp breath. He bit his tongue hard against his first response, and his second, forcing himself to let the other man finish, even as the ginger seemed to deflate into himself, hiding his shame and guilt along with his face. Jigano drew in a slow breath, then another, trying to decide how he wanted to respond. There was so much already happening, so much spiraling out of his control, that some small, selfish part of him railed that it wasn’t fair to have this burden put on his shoulders at the same time that the rest of his world was falling apart!

…But when had the world ever been fair to him? And Samuel had just offered to help do something dangerous, during the day when his abilities as an Ascended would be at their lowest ebb. He could not forget that offer, even juxtaposed as it was against this new revelation, and after a long few moments he let out a careful sigh, drawing his poise back around himself and reaching out to rest a light hand on Sam’s shoulder.

”Sam… you already know that what you did was… unwise. I will not judge whether it was right or wrong for you at the time, but you know I am not happy that you made that choice. Both for myself, and for the guild. I could lecture you, I suppose… but what would be the point? You regret what you did, and you are punishing yourself more than anyone else ever could. And even though I may disagree with your decision, it doesn’t change that we are still friends. I just hope that this is a mistake that you learn from, that even memories which are painful are precious.”

Jigano reached out a hand for his shoulder and Sam let out a shaking sigh, waiting to see what his friend would say. As he heard the gentle disappointment in his voice he looked down, blinking away sudden tears; somehow it would have been better if Jigano was mad. It was what he deserved, after all. Someone had to be mad at him. Remi wasn't , Jigano wasn't, but someone had to be. "Yes I...I know it was a mistake. I wish I could...go to that Sam and show him just how much of a misstep it was. I was...blinded. By my...um..."Self-Hatred, while the truth, sounded far too dramatic, as if he was digging for praise. "By how I thought I was bothering him." With his story told though, he had nothing else to confess. "...So um...thank you for..still wanting to work with me. I will meet you by the entrance to the forest. Do you...think...honestly, think we will be successful?" Samuel He took a step but then felt tired He said, I'll rest a little while But when he tried to walk again He wasn't a child

What could one say to such regret? It was an unimaginably steep price to pay for a lesson that could only be remembered in someone else's words. There was nothing to stop Sam from falling again into similar despair and asking for the next painful memories to be removed, just as these had been. He might regret what had been lost, but without being able to remember what had sparked such a drastic action would he be doomed to repeat it? A depressing thought, and one Jigano sincerely hoped was unlikely. Now that the bookmaker knew what it was like to have lost, even if he couldn't know the details, perhaps it would serve to give him pause from similar drastic measures in the future.

If they even had a future, as the other man was perspicacious enough to bring up. Jigano breathed deeply, slowly, considering what had already happened and what little they knew. "I don't know," he said quietly at last. "Though I admit, I am... not optimistic." He looked at Sam frankly, worry and fear for his missing friends in his eyes. "Whatever took our guildmates did so fast and silently. Tomorrow we should stick close together, to keep us from being picked off separately, but even as a group I don't know if we'll be strong enough to resist whoever was behind the ambush. Perhaps they didn't feel like they could handle us resisting as a group. But I can't think of a better plan until we have more information to work with... and I can't think of any other way to get that information than to go back into those woods."

Sam said nothing more of his sin. After all, the act could not be undone by talking about it, and Jigano had already made his disappointment clear. He would replay the conversation over and over in his head late at night, but for now he could put it aside for the admittedly more pressing issue of their potential deaths. Jigano, whom he viewed as somewhat of a pillar of bravery and stoicism, openly admitting he did not know how well they would fare...well, to say it rattled him was an understatement. "I...um...I see..." A part of him desperately wanted to beg Jigano to let the missing members of the guild be mourned and to not lose any more lives, but he didn't want to make the other man think any less of his moral character. "What if..what if Amalia and Caiside are already dead?" He asked, the most subtle way he could think of to raise his concerns. "Why would the Fae keep prisoners? I don't think they'll want anything from us...we have been trapped in here this whole time, have no real riches to offer them." Samuel He took a step but then felt tired He said, I'll rest a little while But when he tried to walk again He wasn't a child

Samuel's concerns were important ones to bring up, but the questions he asked were ones that Jigano had spent the day mulling over, and he was ready for them. He gave his friend a faint smile, and tilted his head in acknowledgment of them even so. "If they simply wanted us dead, they had no reason to take prisoners in the first place," he pointed out to the first question. "Amalia hadn't been killed, there was no blood or sign of injury, but she had been silenced and taken off on a trail into the trees. One I wish I had followed at the time, before the forest shifted again..." He sighed, pushing back the what-ifs to torture himself with later. "I don't know why they'd keep prisoners, but I am certain that they took Amalia, and based on how the others disappeared, they were likely taken in the same fashion." He couldn't know what had happened to Caiside - beneath him one moment, gone the next - but there was magic aplenty in those woods, and no reason to think the Fae didn't have their own share of it.

"As for what they want... well. They don't know that we have no riches, do they? For that matter, we don't know what they consider riches. They may very well want information, however. How many people live here, what weapons and training we have, what sort of magic we can do... why the barrier came down when it did." He looked grimly to Sam, raising a brow. "We know so little about them. We don't know if they remember or have records of what happened before the Barrier was raised, or what they know of the Voice. No, I think there is quite a lot of incentive to keep them alive... though for how long, that I cannot say."

Sam thought it optimistic that Jigano thought there was no point in taking prisoners if they were ultimately to die. Did he not consider torture? He knew the Fae had a reputation for being cruel, tricksters and cunning too; it did not seem beyond them to want to play with a sacrifice first. But Jigano looked upset enough, and he didn't want to add to it. "I suppose there is a chance they are. ...I...I am not sure this is the best idea, Jigano. But you are the leader of the guild, and I trust you. So I will help." Sam said this out loud trying to convince himself along with assure his friend. "I suppose it is just one more adventure, after all, and so far I have come back from all of them. I have to. No one else would feed my cat." He stroked Mia, his words almost joking but his tone far too scared and serious for it to really land. Samuel He took a step but then felt tired He said, I'll rest a little while But when he tried to walk again He wasn't a child

Given Jigano's past, he was well aware of the possibility of torture, and had avoided saying the word aloud so as not to upset Sam further. But living prisoners, even tortured ones - especially tortured ones - could still be rescued. He wasn't certain how Kiada would react to such threats, but he thought Caiside and Amalia were pragmatic enough to realize that there was no point in hiding anything, and he hoped that even if the Fae were willing to torture their prisoners to gain information, that it wouldn't come to that. It also meant that the window for setting off on a rescue mission was a small one, if they wanted their friends back with as few physical and emotional scars as possible...

Assuming the worst case scenario, which they might even yet have avoided. Sam had only said that the Fae were 'small, curious, and fickle,' after all, which didn't sound too terrible. No mention had been made of cruelty, or even that they were tricksters - information that might have changed how Jigano approached the problem, had his friend shared more of his knowledge about the people the bard had asked for earlier.

Samuel's support was what mattered to him now, even as the weight of his trust settled on Jigano's shoulders like a cloak of lead in light of those who had trusted him and been taken from him before. "Thank you," he said again, for what more could he say? Sam, his oldest friend on Caido, stood by him in spite of his fear, and Jigano was humbled by the bookmaker's courage and loyalty.

"She is lovely," the bard agreed, finding the ghost of a smile for the adorable feline. "How did you find her? Surely there is a story to be told in that?" A distraction, but a welcome one, from all the stress and anxiety that he had spent the day wallowing in. Perhaps speaking of lighter things would help him come up with better ideas for how they would approach the rescue on the morrow.

Sam smiled at Jigano's thanks, still unsure if he would be any help at all but glad to feel wanted. The questions about Mia surprised him at first, the mood having seemed far too glum for questions about cats, but he was always happy to answer those. "I found her in the building where I made my store. She was hunting the bats in the attic...when I cleared them out, I took away her foodsource, so I had to look after her. I do not think she minds, though." He scritched her belly with one finger, Mia nuzzling her face against his hand. "Now she has two meals a day of meat and water whenever she wants it, and plenty of blankets to sleep in. She...keeps me company. My family were never fond of animals, so it is nice to discover they do not hate me." As if realising she was being talked about, Mia rolled up from Sam's lap and walked over to Jigano, pushing her nose insistently under his hand, requesting strokes. "She tends to like most people I bring to the house. You must stroke her or she will whine so." Samuel He took a step but then felt tired He said, I'll rest a little while But when he tried to walk again He wasn't a child

"When we helped you clean that building out I thought Remi cleared the bats from the attic?" Jigano asked, a little hesitant to raise that name. "He turned into a lion and roared to scare them off and startled Caiside and Nairi quite badly... though I think afterwards he used his hawks to chase off the bats who were still stuck inside and had trouble getting out on their own?" He didn't remember a cat that day, but perhaps she had also been frightened by Remi, and had come out later? She looked like a sweet little thing, hardly the sort of feral feline he would have expected from a cat who had grown up on her own without human influence.

"Your family did not seem to be fond of anything," Jigano murmured, glancing to the painting of the dour family over the fireplace with a little frown for how they had treated their son. Samuel had deserved so much better than they had been willing to give... but the bookmaker was not free to choose his family, and in such a small community it couldn't be easy to gain distance from them, either.

Mia's demands for attention were not so different from Isuma's, and Jigano managed a wan smile as he obeyed her request for attention, scratching lightly behind her ears before settling into a gentle stroke of her back. "Have you named her? And how does she feel about other animals? Cats or, ah, similar creatures?"

"He...did? Oh. I...didn't mention that specifically in my diaries. I just remember that...that..." Sam frowned, suddenly realising that he didn't remember much at all. Just a black hole where memories were meant to be, an absence of anything. He knew there had been bats, and that the bats had gone...but when he actually tried to think of the story, he could not bring any words to mind. "I don't remember much of anything, really. I just know I found Mia there. I...think my memories of Remi affected days where he was there, things he did..they're gone too." This made him sad, but he still summoned a little chuckle at the note on his family, which felt rather accurate. He smiled to see Jigano pet Mia. "Her name is Mia. It was a name in a book I had as a child, and I always thought if I had a pet I would name it that. And...I'm not sure. When Remi partially became a cat here earlier, she seemed alright then? Why?" Samuel He took a step but then felt tired He said, I'll rest a little while But when he tried to walk again He wasn't a child