i'm not okay

KIADA

i dream of gods and monsters

She hears Rexanna say ’no’ and her brows lift slightly, though her eyes never waver from her face. The snap from her mother is something Kiada doesn’t expect – the only fire and vitriol found within the woman was through her magic. Nothing else, not through words though she could wield them like any other blade, they never held the fire that this version gives her. And Kiada suddenly wonders if she’s broken the woman that once in a different world was her parent, or if the person before her is different. Her lips form a tight line as she shrugs her shoulders slightly in response.

Perhaps Cal would make it here, perhaps he might try to do the same thing to her.

But Rexanna isn’t finished, she continues to go on and speak of Kiada’s father and what Rexanna had gotten out of it, and Kiada’s nails begin to dig into the leathers adorning her arms, still folded across her chest. “I am nothing like you.” She spits back, wishing that the woman before her could see that. When tragedy struck, Kiada didn’t have the luxury to hide away and cry, she had to keep fighting. She wasn’t allowed to disappear, to fall into her ‘lovers’ arms and forget about the tragedies of the world.

She was far too involved. And perhaps far too bitter about the keen ability her mother had when it came to being too beautiful and able to capture the eyes of anyone walking past. Kiada hardly got anything from her mother, aside from the swiftness of her speed and perhaps her coloring. She didn’t get the beauty of her mother, she didn’t get the agile, short stature. Those were things she got from her father, as well as her strength.

And yet she was nothing like either of them all the same? “You disappeared again and again. You left us. Once Safiri was born and she was born wrong, you were far too concerned with her health to notice the world changing. You didn’t notice when your first born daughter pledged herself to the dark, false god to get her brother back.” Her voice is growing raw from the arguing, but she can’t seem to stop herself. It’s a wonder her breathing is even under control.

and of the man who knew i was both

REXANNA

the chains are broken

Despite the words thrown back at her, Rexanna knows she is not the same woman the Harpy pegs her to be. She has those memories, that strange half life feeling of them, but as she looks upon the scarred, pale skin of the girl, she knows she hasn’t lived through it. And she knows that perhaps where the Helovian version of herself and this version of herself had strayed from one another. She hopes that Kiada can see that, or will, in the future. But it’s unlikely that will ever happen. The other version of herself had craved love and belonging, strove to be useful and helpful, to become something (something Kiada had always had in her); while this version of herself strives for different things. She’d rather be known as a nobody, helping behind the scenes than front and center.

But it seems like this life and that live are similar in the fact she remains in the spotlight time and time again. She shrinks away from Kiada, briefly, as a cruel cold smile grows on her face in response. “That isn’t me, you understand that now, don’t you?” She asks, a tilt to her head as she approaches the girl again – such similar icy gaze, that she can see herself within them. “We have both done things we regret, but that version of me and this me are growing separately. I’m sorry you had the worst part of me, but I am better than that.” She says in a quiet snap.

Because in this world, she’d cherish every child she’d bear (if she could), and she would focus on trying to keep them protected and safe. She wouldn’t be designated to be a child rearer, to have too many children with no way of totally keeping track of them all, with a husband that disappears time and time again to sleep with other women.

This, she knows, because Bastien is unlike that. And she doesn’t see herself slipping away from him unless something catastrophic happens.

but are you truly free?

KIADA

i dream of gods and monsters

The Harpy doesn’t want to do this, and her mind continues to sling the words back to the forefront of her mind. She recalls everything, and despite the question her own mother spits back into her face, her eyes harden while that cruel smile grows along Rexanna’s face. The icy gaze narrows as she grits her teeth. She doesn’t want to admit it, to accept it, and so she doesn’t. Instead, theyre different people, and she can see it in the way that Rexanna carries herself (the way she seems only a few years older than she) and she exhales sharply when the woman speaks.

The apology seems half willingly given, and Kiada’s mind continues to run around them. It’s not enough, she needs the true version of Rexanna to get the true apology, and she knows now (with this Rexanna standing before her) that it’ll never happen. And she doesn’t know what to do now. She thought perhaps bringing up everything of the past would make her feel better, but instead it’s pushed her further and further to learning how alone she is. Family she may have, in a way, but things would never be the same. She wouldn’t have the comfort of the North with Deimos and Erebos and her mother and brother (gods she misses her brother so much).

Lowering her head toward Rex to look at Auni, she grits her teeth again and grinds them against one another. “I hope for your sake you are. Just know I want no part of this.” She says, extending her hand to encompass them. Rexanna might be her mother in a different sense, but she’d never be her mother here. And she wants to make sure they’re in agreement on that.

and of the man who knew i was both

REXANNA

the chains are broken

Something breaks through, and Rexanna’s gaze lifts to follow the Harpy as she listens to her words. If Kiada thinks she’s alone, Rexanna would agree. They both have been through similar things, similar atrocities and destruction, only this time it’s fresher for Rexanna than it is for Kiada. When the Harpy was born, they were mere stories, adventures and tales of a castle with white walls destroyed by greed and anger.

And anger never lead to anything good.

So she exhales gently in a sigh when Kiada speaks, softer this time though she can tell the girl’s voice is growing rough and raw, and she hopes she’ll get some water when they’re done here to help her throat heal. All the ideas of her mind and trying to recruit for Zariah have left her mind in the revelation of what’s happening here. And she doesn’t regret it. Instead, she nods in response to Kiada’s wish, in agreement despite knowing she’ll care for the girl regardless.

But she won’t tell the Harpy that. “You have a deal, then.” She says softly, eyes lingering on the panes of Kiada’s face.

but are you truly free?

KIADA

i dream of gods and monsters

There’s a bit of surprise that crosses Kiada’s face when Rexanna agrees. It was so easy, and she manages to feel a small amount better. There was no more dancing around it, and Kiada knew the next time she saw Deimos he deserved to get hit for this awkward encounter – for wishing it to happen. Though part of her is glad nobody was around to see it, to hear the sorrow and anguish in her voice when she speaks of the things her mother had done to her.

How she’d forgotten her for another, and then another, and another.

So she nods to Rexanna, stepping back with a sharp frown on her face. “Good.” She nods with her words as if to drive the point home. “Then I suppose we’re done here.” She adds, turning on her heal with Auni in tow and leaving the area to go and brood somewhere, a place she doesn’t know yet. Somewhere far from here, far from her.

and of the man who knew i was both