we can't make any promises now
the Firebrand
Headmaster / Grand Healer

Age: 29 | Height: 5' 11' | Race: Attuned x Abandoned | Nationality: Outlander | Citizenship: Halo
Level: 11 - Strg: 32 - Dext: 33 - Endr: 35 - Luck: 39 - Int:
ASTRA - Mythical - Luxere
Played by: Crooked Offline
Change author:
Posts: 5,165 | Total: 9,913
MP: 3415
#15
Remi kept following him, when all Loren wanted was for this to be over. But the summoner leaving the alchemist had been what got them into this mess to begin with. Running away again might just compound it. Besides, at the pace the librarian was capable of setting at the moment, the Attuned would have little trouble keeping up. That meant this reunion was going to last a little while longer whether Loren wanted it to or not. So the Launceleyn stilled, and turned, silent tears still falling from his eyes. None of this was going like he expected—not that it made it any easier—and the more time passed, the more he fell apart at the seams.

Looking at the curly haired man just hurt, but the librarian deserved the pain. Welcomed it even. It was better than the sorrow coursing through his veins, and his tolerance for the searing agony was much higher. “R-Remi I, I…” Loren swallowed against the lump in his throat and chest, but they didn’t go away. Probably wouldn’t, no matter what he tried. “I can’t...I can’t hurt you again.” And there it was: he’d accepted there was no relationship between them anymore, accept that he’d irrevocably broken any trust he had with anyone he’d left behind, and accepted that there was nothing he could do to make up for his disappearance. But the thought of causing more harm to those he’d once loved terrified him in a way nothing else could. Which was why he had to go away, and stay away, unless they absolutely needed him for something. That was the only way he could see to proceed.
LOREN
Not quite an open book
Remi Taliesin
the Bastion


Age: 31 | Height: 5'11 | Race: Demi-god | Nationality: Outlander | Citizenship: Torchline
Level: 15 - Strg: 68 - Dext: 60 - Endr: 100 - Luck: 93 - Int: 3
ORIA - Mythical - Spriggan (Ghost)
Played by: Odd Offline
Change author:
Posts: 10,723 | Total: 16,193
MP: 3059
#16

With more feathers than curls now, the alchemist slowly shook his head. "Then don't." He offered simply. It was one thing to know what someone had done to you, what they were to you and you to them, but it was another entirely to feel it. And without that latter element, it was hard for the alchemist to see the disheveled and hollowed-out man before him as someone deserving as of his anger. Not that Remi had much anger in him to begin with, and what little he did was given over entirely to the blight.

Still, a thousand questions bubbled up brightly in the alchemist's mind as he looked the Launceleyn over, finding his appearance at an utter contrast to what he might have imagined. Questions that once he might have deserved an answer to, but now? He supposed now it was only idle and morbid curiosity. Either Loren would have a good reason for leaving him, or he would not. If he didn't, best it go unsaid, and if he did? Would it help or change anything to a man who only had anecdotal accounts of what he and the librarian had been like together? Did it matter, whether Loren had ever actually loved him? Did it matter the hell Remi had gone through having been left by the only person he'd ever loved?

REMI
Loving you was sunshine, but then it poured
& I lost so much more than my senses
'Cause loving you had consequences
Speaks with a thick Italian accent.
Force and magic can be used against Remi without permission.
the Firebrand
Headmaster / Grand Healer

Age: 29 | Height: 5' 11' | Race: Attuned x Abandoned | Nationality: Outlander | Citizenship: Halo
Level: 11 - Strg: 32 - Dext: 33 - Endr: 35 - Luck: 39 - Int:
ASTRA - Mythical - Luxere
Played by: Crooked Offline
Change author:
Posts: 5,165 | Total: 9,913
MP: 3415
#17
When Remi spoke, Loren’s eyes flicked up to the Attuned’s head, which had more feathers than curls now. And then the Launceleyn’s thoughts turned to the way Remi had responded with a flinch every time the summoner lost control of his voice and his emotions. The librarian knew those signs, knew exactly what they meant. Even just standing here, barely saying anything, was hurting Remi. “I don’t want to.” Loren’s voice was a broken and defeated whisper. “But that’s all I seem capable of.” The evidence for that was all around him. Saying it out loud just drove home how true it was.

First, he’d failed his family. Then he’d failed his friends. Everything he touched crumbled before him. He let out a low and bitter laugh, a sound devoid of all life, all light. “Huh. Guess you were right, earlier. Guess I am a Launceleyn after all.” It was more for himself than for the alchemist. They said blood would tell, and he guessed they were right, because despite Loren’s best efforts he’d become a monster. Just like he was always supposed to be.
LOREN
Not quite an open book
Remi Taliesin
the Bastion


Age: 31 | Height: 5'11 | Race: Demi-god | Nationality: Outlander | Citizenship: Torchline
Level: 15 - Strg: 68 - Dext: 60 - Endr: 100 - Luck: 93 - Int: 3
ORIA - Mythical - Spriggan (Ghost)
Played by: Odd Offline
Change author:
Posts: 10,723 | Total: 16,193
MP: 3059
#18

"I...am not hurt now?" The alchemist offered, ruffling a hand through his curls and succeeding in disbanding at least some of them. It was a nervous habit of his, though not one Remi had ever made much of a conscious effort to deal with. His heart had always been on his sleeve, why not feathers in his hair as well? "I...know some of what happened." He added after a moment, his accent tilting the words as he spoke them. Suddenly quite unsure what he was meant to do with his hands or his feet, the alchemist conjured a feather in his fingers and began to twirl the stem of it back and forth to steady his thoughts. With all the physical changes that marked Remi as somehow different from before—the newfound strength and dexterity, the multitude of scars thankfully covered by his shirt, his shattered sight—still Remi was unsettled in the face of this sort of conflict.

"It is hard to...feel much about it, when I feel nothing at all. Early on Frey took all my feelings for you—" Even saying this now felt strange, the familiarity that should have accompanied Remi's voice and his expression was lacking, much as he tried to be kind while saying it. "—but I did remember what it was like. But then with Ludo..." Another shrug, another boyish ruffle of curls. "..I suppose...I am not the person you hurt anymore. If you owe an apology to anyone for the past, it is not to me." Just as the man Ianto had loved could not be found, so too was the man who had loved Loren similarly gone.

"I did not mean it like that." Remi said quickly, the feather ceasing in his hand for a moment as his fingers twitched as if to offer some physical reassurance with his words.

REMI
Loving you was sunshine, but then it poured
& I lost so much more than my senses
'Cause loving you had consequences
Speaks with a thick Italian accent.
Force and magic can be used against Remi without permission.
the Firebrand
Headmaster / Grand Healer

Age: 29 | Height: 5' 11' | Race: Attuned x Abandoned | Nationality: Outlander | Citizenship: Halo
Level: 11 - Strg: 32 - Dext: 33 - Endr: 35 - Luck: 39 - Int:
ASTRA - Mythical - Luxere
Played by: Crooked Offline
Change author:
Posts: 5,165 | Total: 9,913
MP: 3415
#19
It was obvious to Loren, at least, even if Remi wouldn’t admit it, that at least some part of the alchemist didn’t want the librarian here. “Really?” He looked away, voice low and dull, drained of every emotion he’d displayed before. “Then why do the feathers keep appearing in your hair? The ones that appear when you get anxious. Why do you cower every time I raise my voice, even when it’s not in anger?” If those weren’t signs of distress, Loren didn’t know what was. That might be more true than he knew. The other man was changed in ways beyond the physical, and there was no way for Loren to know them.

As Remi admitted he only knew part of the story, the summoner slumped. “Not everything, though.” It came out softly, so softly he wasn’t sure the alchemist had even heard. Because if the other man knew everything he would not be showing the Launceleyn such patience and understanding.

The kindness in Remi’s voice was killing Loren; it was even worse than his earlier fear, when he’d assumed this reunion would end in strife. This, though, the gentle way the alchemist was treating the summoner was far worse than anything he could’ve imagined. He needed it to end, needed to retreat to where he could escape those blind yet still piercing eyes of the Attuned. “I might not owe you one,” and it was too little too late for one, and far too little, “but I’m sorry anyway.” Even if the gods had wiped away everything Remi knew of Loren, the librarian still remembered. Still knew what he owed the other man. Still knew what the right thing to do was, even if he failed to do it properly every time.

Regardless of how the alchemist had meant it, the summoner knew it to be true. “It doesn’t matter.” Gods, he was tired. The rush of grief and anger had passed, leaving this dull, unending ache in his chest. If the alchemist wasn’t in need of an apology, and Loren wasn’t capable of making amends then it seemed past time he ended this. “I should go.” Maybe this time he would actually be able to leave, but he didn’t have much hope of that. Or much hope at all.
LOREN
Not quite an open book
Remi Taliesin
the Bastion


Age: 31 | Height: 5'11 | Race: Demi-god | Nationality: Outlander | Citizenship: Torchline
Level: 15 - Strg: 68 - Dext: 60 - Endr: 100 - Luck: 93 - Int: 3
ORIA - Mythical - Spriggan (Ghost)
Played by: Odd Offline
Change author:
Posts: 10,723 | Total: 16,193
MP: 3059
#20

The ones that appear when you get anxious. Remi swallowed, caught once again in the strange world of being known, without knowing. Again the alchemist looked Loren over even as the Launceleyn looked away, but nothing sparked familiar. Muscle-memory, if such a thing could be applied to a person, had little efficacy here. Indeed, Remi's shattered eyes were only starting to reveal the barest hints of the blue of Loren's eyes, despite the hours he'd spent once upon a time trying to perfect that not quite stormy-sea shade. "Because...it is you." Remi replied with a sort of wounded and naive honesty. Loren, his first love. Loren, the first man he'd ever dared to let himself want. Loren the man he'd collapsed his morals for, who he'd promised everything to. And of course, Loren, the one who left.

Of course he was anxious.

"No. Not everything." Remi agreed. It was a strange and soul-ruining sort of nostalgia that the alchemist felt then. Not for the first time feeling regret and despair over something he couldn't even remember. It was a void that didn't exist, one which couldn't begin to be filled without tearing a place for it. Invisible scars never healed, after all.

"I am sorry too." The alchemist offered, the feather in his hands twirling faster now. "I...I never meant to lose my memories. I acted foolishly and was punished, but I..." The feather halted as Remi's eyes rose with a soft determination. "..I never meant for this." He added with a resigned sigh, accented words coated with a weary melancholy.

Biting the inside of his cheek as the Launceleyn once again made a play to leave, Remi ran a hand up the side of his own arm, holding it there for a moment as he considered. Ronin's words from not so long ago suddenly rang in his ears. Something like, Go if you like, but only if you want to. Not because you think it's the right thing to do. And so Remi had stayed. That sentiment wasn't entirely appropriate here, not that the alchemist would parrot his husband's words back to a past lover, but something about them resounded strongly.

"If..that is what you want."

REMI
Loving you was sunshine, but then it poured
& I lost so much more than my senses
'Cause loving you had consequences
Speaks with a thick Italian accent.
Force and magic can be used against Remi without permission.
the Firebrand
Headmaster / Grand Healer

Age: 29 | Height: 5' 11' | Race: Attuned x Abandoned | Nationality: Outlander | Citizenship: Halo
Level: 11 - Strg: 32 - Dext: 33 - Endr: 35 - Luck: 39 - Int:
ASTRA - Mythical - Luxere
Played by: Crooked Offline
Change author:
Posts: 5,165 | Total: 9,913
MP: 3415
#21
Loren suddenly smiled then, but there was no joy in it, only sorrow. With each passing moment it became more and more clear—to him at least, if not to Remi—that the Launceleyn’s presence here was a curse. Maybe not as bad as it could have been, given the circumstances, but unwelcome all the same. “So I was right. I am hurting you.” His voice was small, soft, and yet filled with the certainty of truth.

Well, there was no changing the past, or returning what had been lost, either in time or in the other man’s memories. Now that Loren knew that the alchemist had forgotten all the pain, his own emotions were subdued as well, having been drained out of him because he couldn’t maintain the volume of such feelings for long. Still, as the Attuned apologized, the summoner found himself shaking his head wildly. “No. Don’t you dare apologize.” The desperation in his voice was palpable. “I’m the one who ruined everything. You did nothing wrong but loving the wrong person.” That had always been true. Loren had just been too selfish to admit it.

He saw the alchemist’s gesture and aborted his latest attempt to escape. As the librarian waited patiently, he wondered what Remi could possibly want with the summoner. After all, there wasn't nothing left that could be said that wouldn't end up hurting one of them even further.

However, when the other man finally spoke, Loren realized it was simply the alchemist’s kind heart—the one Loren had fallen in love with to begin with—letting the Attuned think there was still hope left for the Launceleyn. “It doesn’t matter what I want.” It came out in the barest of whispers. It never mattered, and he’d been naive to think anything otherwise. Well, he’d been punished for his folly, and so long as he remembered not to wish or dream he’d be able to keep others safe from the void that was his soul. Because the one time he’d chosen, he’d chosen wrong. Best to go back to being nothing more than a tool. All he cared about was making sure he ended up being used by the right hands.
LOREN
Not quite an open book
Remi Taliesin
the Bastion


Age: 31 | Height: 5'11 | Race: Demi-god | Nationality: Outlander | Citizenship: Torchline
Level: 15 - Strg: 68 - Dext: 60 - Endr: 100 - Luck: 93 - Int: 3
ORIA - Mythical - Spriggan (Ghost)
Played by: Odd Offline
Change author:
Posts: 10,723 | Total: 16,193
MP: 3059
#22

Remi's expression softly fell, the feather slowing between his fingers as he could do little more than sigh. Loren seemed determined to take the weight of all that had happened and continue to crush himself beneath it. That anxiety and pain were cousins at best, didn't seem to be an argument worth offering. The alchemist might have said his wings caused him pain when he flew to long, and yet he harbored no resentment against them, if he thought it would do any good. But even only 'knowing' Loren for a few moments, already Remi could tell his self-deprecating streak ran deep.

You did nothing wrong but loving the wrong person. Yes. He'd been told that before. Wouldn't it have been nice to have been the one to get to decide that, though. Tugging in a breath and regarding the sky for a quiet moment, a mischievous puff of laughter left the alchemist's lips. "Maybe you did ruin everything." He said, smile turning crooked as he shrugged. "But it is not as though I remember it now. And...I am not sure I would be the man I am now, had you stayed." Whether or not that was a good thing was a metaphysically moot point now, though.

"It can. With me, anyways." The alchemist offered gently. Whether Loren was actually interested in that lifeline though was another matter entirely. Their relationship was not what it once was, and even when it had been, this sort of trust hadn't come easily. Thinking that it would now was naive on Remi's part, but that was the alchemist all over.

REMI
Loving you was sunshine, but then it poured
& I lost so much more than my senses
'Cause loving you had consequences
Speaks with a thick Italian accent.
Force and magic can be used against Remi without permission.
the Firebrand
Headmaster / Grand Healer

Age: 29 | Height: 5' 11' | Race: Attuned x Abandoned | Nationality: Outlander | Citizenship: Halo
Level: 11 - Strg: 32 - Dext: 33 - Endr: 35 - Luck: 39 - Int:
ASTRA - Mythical - Luxere
Played by: Crooked Offline
Change author:
Posts: 5,165 | Total: 9,913
MP: 3415
#23
This was going nowhere, this conversation that went in painful circles that deepened the cracks in Loren’s soul each time they passed over them. There was only so many times he could rebuff Remi before eventually the Launceleyn would just fall silent. If the other man was determined to keep reaching out then the librarian knew he couldn’t stop that. But he didn’t have to take the metaphorical hand being offered.

There was no maybe about that: Loren was fully convinced of that, and nothing would sway his opinion on the matter. However, he wasn’t going to try to change Remi’s mind anymore. In fact, Loren wasn’t going to do much of anything but stand there, answering in short snippets, too tired to do anything else, even walk away at this point. “Good. You’re better for it.” Remi was married to someone he couldn’t help but love (if Loren knew Ronin and the alchemist at all anymore, he knew that much), and despite whatever other difficulties the man before the summoner might be facing, Remi would always have that.

He didn’t get it. The other man simply couldn’t understand, not having forgotten Loren as the alchemist had, just how much damage the Launceleyn caused with his desires. “But not with me.” The only good news about this whole situation was that the summoner could prevent Remi from seeing just how destructive Loren could be when he grew careless and dared to dream.
LOREN
Not quite an open book
Remi Taliesin
the Bastion


Age: 31 | Height: 5'11 | Race: Demi-god | Nationality: Outlander | Citizenship: Torchline
Level: 15 - Strg: 68 - Dext: 60 - Endr: 100 - Luck: 93 - Int: 3
ORIA - Mythical - Spriggan (Ghost)
Played by: Odd Offline
Change author:
Posts: 10,723 | Total: 16,193
MP: 3059
#24

"Loren." The alchemist implored softly. Like the librarian, Remi too could feel the downward and perpetual spiral of the conversation. Blind as he was, that didn't mean he was so naive as to not see the barriers as they rose however. There were cracks in them that the alchemist might use as footholds to scale them, but he suspected that wasn't what the Launceleyn wanted.

And so, pulling in a breath and standing slightly straighter, Remi extended his hand. "I am Remi. Pleased to meet you, Loren." Should the Launceleyn take his hand, he'd find it just as strong and calloused as ever. Newfound magic or no, Remi still preferred to do as much with his hands as he could.

REMI
Loving you was sunshine, but then it poured
& I lost so much more than my senses
'Cause loving you had consequences
Speaks with a thick Italian accent.
Force and magic can be used against Remi without permission.
the Firebrand
Headmaster / Grand Healer

Age: 29 | Height: 5' 11' | Race: Attuned x Abandoned | Nationality: Outlander | Citizenship: Halo
Level: 11 - Strg: 32 - Dext: 33 - Endr: 35 - Luck: 39 - Int:
ASTRA - Mythical - Luxere
Played by: Crooked Offline
Change author:
Posts: 5,165 | Total: 9,913
MP: 3415
#25
Loren didn’t know what it meant to hear his name fall from the other man’s lips. But when Remi held out his hand the Launceleyn just stared at it. And when the alchemist reintroduced himself (as if they could start over when they both knew there was too much history between them, even if only one of them remembered it) the librarian flinched. He stood there for a long moment, wavering between past, present, and future.

However he’d meant what he’d said, or thought, or implied about it being better this way. About how he just hurt everyone around him, despite every effort to the contrary. Remi was better off without Loren in his life. If that wasn’t the case then the gods probably wouldn’t have stripped the other man’s memories of the librarian. So the Launceleyn just shook his head and hugged himself, nails digging into his forearms hard enough to draw blood even through his clothes. He didn’t even notice. “You won’t feel that way soon.” Not once Remi got to know Loren again.
LOREN
Not quite an open book
Remi Taliesin
the Bastion


Age: 31 | Height: 5'11 | Race: Demi-god | Nationality: Outlander | Citizenship: Torchline
Level: 15 - Strg: 68 - Dext: 60 - Endr: 100 - Luck: 93 - Int: 3
ORIA - Mythical - Spriggan (Ghost)
Played by: Odd Offline
Change author:
Posts: 10,723 | Total: 16,193
MP: 3059
#26

Rather than being rebuked by the duke's rejection of his olive branch, the alchemist merely chuckled. Boyish humour sparked brightly in his shattered sea-foam stare as his smile grew crooked, the dimple on one of his cheeks deepening with amusement. Shaking his head, curls now nearly entirely free of feathers, Remi stared at Loren as one might a child overly-tired, screaming that they don't want to go to sleep, when it fact it is all they want.

"As much as you might think so, I think I will be the judge of that. I get to decide so very little nowadays, at least let me have this." He added, as if they were speaking of nothing more taxing or important than where to have lunch. Ronin was dying and he didn't have a say in that. The blight was spreading and despite his best efforts, of that he had no control either.

If nothing else, he could decide how he felt about those in his life. If they stayed in his life, anyways.

REMI
Loving you was sunshine, but then it poured
& I lost so much more than my senses
'Cause loving you had consequences
Speaks with a thick Italian accent.
Force and magic can be used against Remi without permission.
the Firebrand
Headmaster / Grand Healer

Age: 29 | Height: 5' 11' | Race: Attuned x Abandoned | Nationality: Outlander | Citizenship: Halo
Level: 11 - Strg: 32 - Dext: 33 - Endr: 35 - Luck: 39 - Int:
ASTRA - Mythical - Luxere
Played by: Crooked Offline
Change author:
Posts: 5,165 | Total: 9,913
MP: 3415
#27
Apparently Loren was funny. No one had told him, and he definitely didn’t see the humor in all of this. Still, even after everything, it was hard to resist Remi’s charms, the ones that had be-spelled the summoner to begin with. He knew it was a mistake to give in—knew without a shadow of a doubt that it would cause more problems than it was worth—but he was incredibly tempted. Only the knowledge that giving into his temptations always lead to disaster was holding him back.

Then the alchemist spoke, and the summoner blinked. Once. Twice. Then, although he didn’t move from where he stood, didn’t let any of his thoughts show, didn’t let any of his emotions out, Loren nodded. “Fine.” It came out more harshly than he’d meant it to because he was still fully convinced this was a mistake. But Remi was right, as he usually was. Besides, after having taken away the other man’s choice once before, it would be incredibly callous, and yes, selfish, for the librarian to do it again. So he wouldn't.

However, he'd warned the alchemist, told Remi this was the wrong course of action, the wrong path to take. No doubt others would do the same. Unfortunately, the other man had always been too trusting and had too generous a heart. Which meant that it was up to the Launceleyn to protect the Attuned. So at the first sign of real, lasting hurt in those white eyes (which would come eventually) Loren would leave. And this time, he wouldn't come back into Remi's life in any meaningful way. The summoner owed the alchemist that much at least.
LOREN
Not quite an open book
Remi Taliesin
the Bastion


Age: 31 | Height: 5'11 | Race: Demi-god | Nationality: Outlander | Citizenship: Torchline
Level: 15 - Strg: 68 - Dext: 60 - Endr: 100 - Luck: 93 - Int: 3
ORIA - Mythical - Spriggan (Ghost)
Played by: Odd Offline
Change author:
Posts: 10,723 | Total: 16,193
MP: 3059
#28

It was hard to resist the urge to playfully roll his eyes, though given the amount of coaxing it had taken to get the Launceleyn to this point, the alchemist thought best not to push too hard. Still, Ronin's roguishness had indeed worn off on him, and so with a crooked smile cheerfully exaggerated puff of air, the alchemist asked, "Have you always been like this?"

Folding his arms against a chest much broader than Loren had ever known it to be, the alchemist glanced back towards the open door of his shop. "These keys of Zariah then.." He murmured, pulling them back to the original reason for this strange meeting. "I really do not know where or what she has done with them. The penitentiary perhaps?" Biting the inside of his cheek as the memories of what he'd done and under what duress came flooding back, the alchemist sighed out the anxiety he felt in a succinct burst. "There are many hidden passageways. I can see now in my own way, but Zariah took me right after I was blinded, when I could not see anything at all. I think I could feel them out, however. All the locks are magical, I would need to...to touch them again, in order to make a new key. I can, if you think it necessary. You are not wrong to worry what is behind the doors." The alchemist began, reiterating what he'd said but with perhaps more openness given he now knew to whom he spoke. Sort of, anyways. His accent was a good deal more smoothed out, in any event.

REMI
Loving you was sunshine, but then it poured
& I lost so much more than my senses
'Cause loving you had consequences
Speaks with a thick Italian accent.
Force and magic can be used against Remi without permission.


Forum Jump:


Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)


RPG-D