I breathe disaster

sometimes love is all that can save us, sometimes love can kill a man

"I do, but not an unlimited supply of it." Remi said humbly, eyes downcast. "The magic is already in it. The ability to create...nearly anything." There was of course no easy way to say the items Amalia possessed were largely because of him, and that Deimos was only capable of 1/4 what he was, and so the alchemy stayed awkwardly quite, not even sure himself what the root of Loren's disagreement was.

It was difficult indeed to endure Loren's silence much as it was to endure his looks. It felt as if Remi wasn't precisely being seen so much as scrutinized, and he was quite sure that the face he wore was not his best. Blotched with emotions, tear-stained and wary, Remi was anything but the picture of a man who could be trusted to venture out during LongNight.

"If we are being honest..." Remi said with a tight smile, eyes still hovering near the summoner's chin. "..I am far stronger than you, in nearly every way. The luxere only deter them, and one is hardly enough. Especially one so young. " This was said hardly more than a whisper, as if the words hurt to say. Indeed Remi hated saying them, but say them he did, factually rather than boastfully. "But it is more than that. This is not heroics, Loren." Remi's eyes rose, shattered now because of emotion and not magic. "I made a promise to Ludo. One that I cannot break. Others have as well. Last year we kept the doors closed because of fear. This year, we will open them, come what may."

Swallowing in an effort to dissolve the lump in his throat, Remi gave the summoner a wet-eyed smile, pain pulling down his brows as his lips tried desperately to smile. "Of course I cannot stop you. I..never could." Breath catching, Remi had to stop and start again. "If I die...I will know why. What I risked my life for." The words broke entirely now, but the alchemist did his best to carry on. "If you leave...please do not do it because of me."

sometimes love is a soft touch, or a line drawn in the sand

Coding base by Sky!

Love mends even the broken parts

Well, that was a surprise to the Launceleyn, and explained some of the confusion. However, it didn’t actually clarify what Remi meant by his last comment. ”I didn’t know that. Are there any limits to it?” He frowned, an idea cropping up in the back of his mind. ”Wait. I know you can make magical items. Is that what you’re saying?” Presumably there was some limit to it, or else they’d have given everyone an amulet. However, it legitimately never occurred to Loren that the power to create a magical item could be stored in a magical item. ”Anything else I should know about your magic, then?” The alchemist was just full of surprises.

People really should start listening to what the summoner was saying, because if they didn’t he might just snap again. Raising an eyebrow, he stepped into the snow and the cold once more, this time letting the door shut behind him. Although he was dressed just in a shirt and pants, he wasn’t worried about freezing to death, because without moving another muscle, he summoned a Spark Bird as high up as he could manage. ”I never said stronger. I said better suited.” All this spellcasting was wearing on him—just because he’d put it in an amulet didn’t mean he didn’t feel it—but he was stronger than he’d ever been, despite his appearance. Astra, for her part, had followed him out into the snow, and he rested his hand on her head and gave her a proper head rub. ”And though she be but little, she is fierce.” Even a small luxere was better than no luxere. And the Launceleyn could summon a full sized one as well.

However, it seemed that the alchemist had, once again, been holding something back. Loren dismissed the Spark Bird as the other man finally explained the whole situation. The summoner’s expression was inscrutable and his voice quiet when he finally responded. ”So pass the task to me. Surely Ludo doesn’t care who completes it, so long as it gets done. But if you cannot, or will not, then I should be with you, and these others.” Wessex would be pissed at the change in plans, but nothing changed the fact that, no matter how strong Remi was, Loren was the person who stood the best chance against the monsters, and of keeping a group safe and sane while facing them.

However, when the other man’s voice broke, the summoner’s eyes just grew cold again. It wasn’t that he wasn’t sympathetic to the alchemist's pain. It was simply that the Launceleyn had already explained how he felt about this matter. Still, when Loren finally responded, his voice, while firm, was not unkind. ”I do not believe you or I will die this LongNight. However, you don’t get to decide what I risk my life for. That’s part of letting me be me.” Because he knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that if others were going to put their lives on the line because of the machinations of the gods, then the Launceleyn was going to stand with them. It wasn’t because of Remi, or rather, not just because of Remi. It was because it was the right thing to do, plain and simple. Not the wisest, or safest, but the right thing.

loren

Coding base by Sky!

sometimes love is all that can save us, sometimes love can kill a man

"Yes." Rubbing uncomfortably at the back of his neck, Remi bit the inside of his lip trying to figure out how to describe the limits of his abilities without sounding like a pompous ass. "Currently Deimos can create three a season. After that, the magic just...runs dry. He can create other things of course, just nothing with inherent magical properties. That used to be my limit as well, and then..." Clearing his throat and wishing not for the first time that Loren could simply hear his thoughts the way other attuned could, Remi continued. "..now I am closer to twelve." As for anything else?

Still on that uncomfortable edge between falling into old patterns and being wholly aware of the need for new ones, Remi shrugged boyishly. Around him, though only for about 5ft, the snow suddenly disappeared. The alchemist was surrounded by lush greenery that, should the Launceleyn step forward to investigate, he'd find that a surprising amount of it was real. Leaves curled and waved, imbued with Remi's strange new brand of magic that brought things to life. A warm wind skirted through and bird song swam around him.

However as Loren stepped forward the illusion shattered as Remi stumbled a step back, wariness causing subtle lines to appear by his eyes and mouth. Flinching even more as the Spark Bird errupted and flew high above, Remi swallowed. "You only think you are better suited from what others have told you. Summoning a spark bird and luxere may not be enough. Nothing might be enough, but at least we have experienced it." With a look towards Astra, the alchemist's expression melted into an adoring smile. "If only fierceness was what it took." He said softly.

Shaking his head, Remi tried to remember what he'd told his once-friend. Certainly he thought he'd mentioned it, but perhaps not. "No. This is...repentance, for losing its mask last year." He explained in a voice heavily weighted with shame. "What of those in the Temple? They are staying there, rather than with us, on the basis of protection. Besides, that is what the amulets are for. Pieces of you, to help us."

Apparently Remi was back to his old ways of not having the courage to argue with the summoner. Cowed and manipulated by the Launceleyn's constant withdrawal of his friendship and affection, the alchemist merely closed his eyes. So many had died before, Remi nearly had, and he'd only ventured out once. He was stronger now, but he somehow wondered just how much that would help. Honestly, he wondered if Ludo even wanted him to succeed given how many times the god had tried to trick him into killing himself. Maybe this was merely a clever ploy that would prove successful. And so, not having the heart to argue for fear of ending the conversation—a last conversation mayhap—on a bad note, Remi just nodded silently, lashes laced with near-frozen tears.

sometimes love is a soft touch, or a line drawn in the sand

Coding base by Sky!

Love mends even the broken parts

Listening to the alchemist’s explanation about his magic, it was impossible not to feel a little jealous. The Launceleyn—well, all the Launceleyns—had always been regarded as some of the strongest mages. So to hear just how superior the other man was made it difficult to bear. Of course, the summoner had some abilities Remi didn’t. However, he was far stronger overall, and Loren was under no illusion about that. ”Understood. And impressive.” The words were clipped and short, but it was the best he could do under the circumstances.

Then, however, the area around them changed. Instead of Deepfrost snows, it was filled with life and greenery and light and warmth and song and wind. He frowned at that, because while the alchemist could obviously summon plants, the rest of it was new. Besides, beyond a small area, it was still cold and white. Fishing his spectacles from his pocket, the summoner was unsurprised (well, surprised that Remi had done it to begin with, but unsurprised to find out how) to discover that while the plants were real, the other sights were mixed.

Of course, the summoner could still feel the warmth and the wind and hear the birdsong, a distinctly bewildering experience. ”Illusion magic?” The Launceleyn frowned. ”That’s new, right?” Still, it gave them another potential weapon for LongNight. ”Any chance that illusory light would deter them? Or does it have to be real magical light, even if it’s summoned?” Actually, that wasn’t even a guarantee. ”I guess I should tell you that I’m worried my creatures won’t be able to banish the monsters either, since none of our other efforts to replicate magic light have worked and even I don't know how my magic works, not really.” He’d told Wessex and Deimos, but he didn’t want the alchemist to rely upon the amulets, unless it was an emergency.

There was just so much they didn’t know, and they were all right: Loren hadn’t been here last year. At least it seemed that Remi was in agreement that Loren might not be enough. Indeed, the other man seemed quite willing to rub the Launceleyn’s face in that. ”I still stand a better chance than most.” Astra nudged him, and he rubbed behind her ears. ”We, I mean.” It would be hard for the alchemist to argue with that. He'd probably try, though.

However, it seemed that Remi needed to do this, or else risk Ludo’s wrath again. ”Pieces of me might not be enough either, especially since they are limited. One healing spell and two Spark Birds doesn’t seem like enough to get you through the week, especially if you’re going outside and can’t replenish them easily. That’s even more true if you won’t be alone out there.” That fact still didn’t sit right with him, but apparently he couldn’t argue with it. ”But if those in the Temple all stay indoors, and have all the pieces of me, and those who venture outside have me, it might maximize everyone’s chances of getting through this.” It was a cold hard logic from the Launceleyn, but sometimes that worked better than the other man’s kindness and compassion.

loren

Coding base by Sky!

sometimes love is all that can save us, sometimes love can kill a man

Unhappy at both Loren's tone as well as the compliment, Remi merely flushed as feathers appeared in his curls, continuing to look away.

"Mmmm." The hum was one of vague agreement. New? Probably yes. Then again since Remi had no idea how any of this worked or where it came from, he couldn't say. Perhaps it had always been there and he'd never tugged at it the right way before. "My guess is it has to be real. Just as I cannot replicate the luxere's light with a magical item." He added before hazarding a glance towards Loren. "Only yours are real..in an important sense, anyway." It was strange to hear that Loren didn't know how this part of his magic worked either, and rather than being bolstered by the summoner's similar ignorance, the alchemist simply felt all the more alone and lonely in what he was. There were other hybrids to be sure, but none quite like him. He was alone in his power, without guidance. Loren wasn't the only one to feel a stab of jealousy to see what the alchemist could do; Jigano had as well, and Zariah had merely tried to use him. There was no one, it seemed, who could shepherd him along.

Finding himself still too disheartened to argue, Remi remained silent. Sure Loren stood a better chance than most, but not better than those who were planning on being out. Himself, Amalia, Jigano? There was Kiada as well, not that he knew it yet.

"I doubt we will go out together." Remi said in a low voice. They had different priorities after all; Amalia and Jigano were looking for the lost souls, whereas Remi was looking for the living. "How will they all have a piece of you? If you will not take my amulets?" There was the matter of the ascended having pieces of him, a thought that made Remi instantly feeling nauseous and weak-kneed, but the rest? The civilians?

sometimes love is a soft touch, or a line drawn in the sand

Coding base by Sky!

Love mends even the broken parts

Remi could be as unhappy or upset as he’d like at Loren’s comments, because it wasn’t as if he was thrilled about any of this either. He was especially upset at his admission both that he didn’t know how his magic worked, when it came down to it, and he didn’t know if his creatures would be able to deter the monsters. ”Are they? They have more of a tangible effect than illusions do, sure, but they seem more like copies of the real thing that I puppet for a while than anything else.” They didn’t have independent thought and they didn’t leave anything behind. They sprang from his mind and his magic and left when he stopped focusing on either. That might make them different in some fundamental sense that prevented him from keeping people safe, and it made him slump as his eyes dimmed. They simply didn't know.

Even when he’d been cold and angry, at least he’d been full of life, but he could feel it draining away at the possibility that he’d given everyone a false hope. And the alchemist’s statements about not being here last year and not being enough just reinforced that: once more, the summoner failed to measure up to expectations. Unfortunately, these he’d set for himself. Although he had warned everyone not to rely upon him or his magic, he thought it was too little, too late.

At the explanation that those at the Guild who were foolish enough to go outside might not all be wandering around in a group, however, he felt his resolve come back in full force. ”Seriously? Who is going out, and why can’t you go out together? There is strength in numbers, especially if you have a limited number of amulets. And the first rule to staying alive is never to split up unless you have to.” Maybe a larger group would be more likely to attract attention, but it was also more likely to be able to survive an encounter. He honestly couldn’t believe how reckless the other man was acting; if the alchemist absolutely had to go out, then he should minimize the chances of someone getting hurt. ”Fine. Leave the amulets with my magic with someone you trust at the Temple. I will stay at the Guild and go out as many times as I have to.” The more Remi told the summoner, the more certain he was that putting him at the Temple was the wrong decision. And if the other man and Wessex didn’t like that, too fucking bad. This was about keeping people alive, which was Loren's job.

loren

Coding base by Sky!

sometimes love is all that can save us, sometimes love can kill a man

"All the more reason to think you are perhaps not best suited." Remi said in a low and soft voice, not intending to be cruel, only to put things in perspective. Loren was relying heavily on his magic to work, and if it didn't? He had nothing else to fall back on. But Remi did. Jigano did. Amalia did. They were all faster, stronger, more powerful, and perhaps most importantly, had survived this once already (or if they hadn't, had been brought back to life).

Remi sighed and swept a hand across his eyes wearily. "Not with the monsters. They are attracted to movement and light. Together we are a more obvious target than moving independently. We also...have different goals, I suppose." The alchemist didn't know how many times he needed to say you were not here. You do not know, for Loren to get it. To stop acting like he knew how to keep them all safe.

"Well, I was going to give you empty ones so that you could distribute them. I do not know who is staying at the Temple, or what they need." What Loren did was, as he kept saying, up to him. But he wouldn't just displace the obligations he made onto the alchemist.

sometimes love is a soft touch, or a line drawn in the sand

Coding base by Sky!

Love mends even the broken parts

Enough. Remi could point out Loren’s deficiencies and illogical thinking all the alchemist wanted—not that he’d been shy about that recently—but that didn’t mean that the Launceleyn was wrong about all this. He crossed his arms as his eyes iced over again. ”Then who is? You? Because you have more magic and power than anyone else? Because you survived it once before and think that means you have a better chance to survive it again?” The summoner’s eyes narrowed. ”Maybe you got lucky the first time, and shouldn’t rely upon your luck holding a second time.” Although he could recognize the other man’s need to go out because of the task from Ludo, that didn’t make his reasoning solid.

”If you don’t want me joining you, then just tell me straight out. I’m going to venture outside regardless, because it sounds like I will be needed, whether you want to believe that or not.” It seemed they were both drawing their lines in the sand, and Remi could accept that and figure out how to work with it, or reject it, and put them all at risk. Still, Loren wasn’t above guilting the alchemist. ”It would be preferable to have someone experienced with me, but I’m sure I’ll manage.” If the other man was so concerned with the summoner’s safety, he wasn’t above manipulating that to their advantage. Even if the Ascended (like Wessex and Rexanna at the moment) disliked him personally, he couldn't imagine they'd let that get in the way. In fact, they might enjoy putting him through his paces.

Maybe the militia should’ve done a better job communicating to the relevant parties who’d be at which location. Well, it wasn’t too late to correct that. ”Assuming nothing changes, which is a big if, Wessex, Phoebe, Cera, Beatrix, Jace, and I are supposed to be at the Temple. Jigano said he’d be there as well. You, Ronin, Amalia, and Deimos will all be at the Guild. That’s all I know at the moment. In terms of distributing magic, you should know that I’m planning to let all the Ascended drink from me. However, I don’t know where they are planning to stay.” They didn’t have to rely solely upon the amulets.

loren

Coding base by Sky!

sometimes love is all that can save us, sometimes love can kill a man

Passively Remi merely shook his head against Loren's tirade. Yes he wanted to say, to all those things. Yes experience would help. Yes being the strongest would help. What he didn't understand though, was why Loren was making it out to seem like such a bad thing. What was ridiculous, was Loren throwing away the obligations he'd made, for people he'd apparently turned against. For people like Remi, that he didn't even want to see. If Loren was going to be a martyr, better it at least be for a cause that he knew something about. But of course, Remi said none of this, merely wilting beneath the icy stare.

"You told me not to tell you what to do." Remi replied in a broken voice, not sure where to look, what to do with his hands. "And Sam, Nate, and Kiada, I believe." The alchemist offered, not that it all seemed to matter anymore.

It wasn't fair and in fact of all the things he'd done today this was probably the most selfish, but Remi couldn't help the way he noticeably flinched and the colour drained from face to hear that all the ascended would be drinking from Loren. In that moment Remi wanted to bury his claws deep in something porous and strong—a particularly green bit of wood—and tear until it broke, or his claws did. Jealousy, anxiety, and that strange desire for other worlds where other lives could be lives, broiled inside of his stomach and he suddenly felt quite light-headed.

"I had..hoped the amulets would..help with that. Blood loss, and all. You are so..thin.." He croaked, the words mumbled. Only that wasn't the reason and they both knew it. It was a good reason, it just wasn't the one driving the alchemist.

sometimes love is a soft touch, or a line drawn in the sand

Coding base by Sky!

Love mends even the broken parts

It seemed they’d reached an impasse: Remi was unwilling to accept Loren’s help in this foolhardy endeavor, and he was unwilling to sit idly by as people went out to risk their lives, especially the alchemist, when the Launceleyn might be able to do something about it. Yes, he had duties to keep those at the Temple safe. And yes, it was true they were relying upon his entirely uncertain protection.

But he also had a responsibility to everyone in the Hollowed Grounds, and that came first. Obviously he’d talk to Wessex about all this, if he could. That meant he’d give her a heads up about everyone’s plans, not that he’d be deterred from his actions. What those actions would be remained to be seen. ”No. I told you not to make my decisions for me. You can tell me what you think and feel about something, just not what you think I should think and feel about it.” It was an important difference, and hopefully one the other man would understand.

Sam, Nate, and Kiada were all unknown quantities. Except for what Phoebe had told the Launceleyn about Nate, that was. ”I thought all the Medical College staff were supposed to stay at the Temple.” Already this plan was starting to fall apart at the seams.

However, of everything they’d sparred and argued and fought over today, the summoner hadn’t expected bringing up the Ascended would cause a problem; indeed his eyes narrowed at Remi’s reaction to that bit of news. It seemed a bit over the top. ”I have enough blood in me. Besides, I’m going to try and heal the blood loss. If that doesn’t work, I’ll space it out as much as possible, and start with those at the Guild.” Those were weak explanations for such a strong response, though especially since concern didn’t seem to be the operative emotion on the other man’s mind. ”What, exactly, is wrong with this idea? Don’t give me excuses.” The only downside Loren could see was physical harm to him, which he’d just accounted for.

loren

Coding base by Sky!

sometimes love is all that can save us, sometimes love can kill a man

The alchemist wanted very badly to scrub at his eyes, to find somewhere warm and cover himself with an endless number of blankets, rather than shivering in the snow and arguing with someone who'd sneered at him moments ago. He didn't need his words twisted, didn't need to be lectured and told endlessly how and why what he was was wrong. He was trying to do all that Loren had asked of him, walking a fine balance and trying not to ruin what was already in tatters, and finding himself apparently doing a poor job of it. But he endured. It might be their last conversation after all.

And so he merely nodded, and then shrugged at the comment about the medical staff. He didn't know where anyone was staying, not really. All he knew is that those seeking safety-full-stop, were to be at the Temple.

"Sam will not drink from you." Remi said, feeling sure enough about that. Sam drank from those he loved, and, in a pinch, usually just from Remi. Maybe that was hubris, he didn't know. "But I can ask him." No doubt the Launceleyn, in this current state, would do nothing but terrify him.

"Wrong? No..nothing." Remi said, the words sounding awkward between how dry his mouth had gone and how loud the ringing in his ears suddenly was. Swallowing hard, he ran a hand through his curls, subtly dragging his claws through them as if the pain might snap his mind back into focus and out of the dreary sort of fog that had fallen over him at the thought of Loren deliriously intertwined in the throws of ascended pleasure.

sometimes love is a soft touch, or a line drawn in the sand

Coding base by Sky!

Love mends even the broken parts

Once more, Loren reminded himself that Remi’s feelings were not the Launceleyn’s responsibility anymore. If the alchemist kept getting upset at the latest chapter in their relationship, then it was something he could work through with his husband and his many, many friends. The summoner, on the other hand, was pretty much on his own here. ”Would he do it if Wessex ordered him to? While I respect his decisions, we can’t really afford to coddle people here.” That went for Remi as much as Sam, not that the summoner knew much about the Ascended the alchemist was speaking about.

Arms still crossed, expression severe, Loren still managed to make himself look more disapproving at the other man’s latest evasion. ”Remi. Spill.” Honestly, after all the times the summoner had called the alchemist a liar in this conversation alone, Remi should know better than to withhold something from the Launceleyn. Not now. Maybe not ever, but certainly not here and now.

loren

Coding base by Sky!

sometimes love is all that can save us, sometimes love can kill a man

"I very much doubt it." Remi said, feeling himself shiver slightly. He wasn't entirely sure he liked this might-makes-right Loren, this mentality of force and raw logic accompanied with the frosty fuck you attitude. Wessex would probably shrug it off, but Loren seemed hell-bent on ensuring Wessex's orders were fulfilled. Even if he wasn't bothering on listening to them himself.

"Gods Loren." The alchemist all but moaned shakily, entirely taken aback by the hardness and ice that so rounded every inch of the summoner. It was one thing for Loren to have decided he was going to speak his mind however cruel it was. It was another thing for him to be willfully ignorant to the point of wounding someone else though. Or perhaps he'd simply given up caring. Or perhaps the alchemist really didn't matter anymore.

With a look of distrust and wounded incredulity, Remi could do little more than vaguely shake his head, fixing the summoner with a long and questioning stare. Who are you?

sometimes love is a soft touch, or a line drawn in the sand

Coding base by Sky!

Love mends even the broken parts

Remi might want to protect his friend. That was admirable. Moral. Heroic, even. However, Loren was trying to protect everyone, especially when they seemed determined to get themselves killed, and the fact that someone would get hung up on being picky about who they’d bite was ridiculous to him. Yes, it was intimate, and he could understand not wanting that with a stranger (him more than most) but in this particular case, when lives were on the line, they all needed to make sacrifices.

Indeed, it wasn’t like the Launceleyn was happy with this idea. Still, he couldn’t force the Ascended to bite him. ”Alright. At least try to impress upon him that this might save lives? Even one extra healing spell or Spark Bird might make the difference between life and death, especially because you seemed to feel strongly that I won’t be at the Guild myself.” All Loren wanted was to maximize the chances of everyone surviving this. If the other man couldn’t recognize that the summoner didn’t know how to make Remi understand.

The other man could pray to whatever god he wanted. After all, the Launceleyn had faced down gods and survived before. And he wouldn’t be deterred. ”What are you so upset about?” This was beyond the alchemist’s normal behavior, and now Loren was even more interested to know where Remi’s mind had gone.

loren

Coding base by Sky!