From being an Abandoned who had rarely left the Hollowed Grounds, to embracing the call of adventure, to dying and being reborn first as an Ascended and then as an Ancient, Maea has gone through quite the amount of changes in her life. One thing remains common, though, in her attempts to find out just where she belongs; she’s always had a craving for knowledge which has brought her to so many places and to meet so many people here in Caido. We can’t wait to see what else is in store for her!
Congratulations, Maea!
Credits
Court of the Fallen was created in October of 2018 by Odd, Honey, and Crooked.
Skinning and hosting by the epically talented Kaons, and functionality fanciness by the coding magic of Neowulf. If you ever see either of them around, make sure to show them some love!
Her expression altered in an instant, a look of horror crossing her features. It was unimaginable. It was despicable. Anger and sorrow welled up in her simultaneously, and it was on pure instinct alone that she reached out to take his hand, squeezing it gently if he did not immediately pull it away. Such a human gesture, Frey had once called it, but Loren was human, and the tiny gesture of support might hold more weight with him. ”I’m sorry you had to endure that.” she said softly, though her words were colored with the disdain for the reality he was painting. It was so against her nature and what she tried to be that it conflicted with her very soul. ”But their measure of strength isn’t the only measure.” she added softly.
”Of course they would. Zariah is their mother.” she said. It wasn’t even a question. ”But you can be the proof that there is more than one way…and eventually, when they are grown, they might choose to stray from her cruelty.” she said. The things that children did did not necessarily define what their lives would be for good, just for the moment. ”Isn’t that a goal worth striving for? To be a different option for them? One you feel is better?”
”Yes. Should. I know better than most.” she said, looking at the ground. ”But that is why I have put so much effort into fortifying the College. I have to try. At least then there is a chance.”
As Phoebe squeezed Loren’s hand, his eyes flicked towards it, but he didn’t move beyond a slight tensing of his shoulders. Still, that was all the reaction he showed to the comfort she attempted to provide. At least he didn’t flinch away as he might have once upon a time. She could be as sorry as she wanted: it wouldn’t change his past or make him feel much better about his present. ”I know there are other types of strength.” He just didn’t know if he believed in them, or was capable of embracing them, not that it stopped him from trying.
Apparently, it was so incredibly obvious that Beatrix and Jace wouldn’t want to be with the summoner and would choose Zariah that even the midwife accepted it. Finally, he turned to regard her, eyes still haunted. ”So that’s all I can offer them? A chance and a choice?” He wasn’t saying he would do it; however, it felt quite small in the grand scheme of things. Of course, as the healer talked about LongNight he was reminded that sometimes all anyone had was a chance. ”I know.” There didn’t seem to be much else to say.
She saw the tense in his shoulders, and dropped his hand immediately. ”Sorry…I…I forget that others don’t find touch comforting in the heat of the moment sometimes.” she admitted quietly, looking at the ground. And while Phoebe knew her apologies meant nothing to him, that her words were hollow in his ears, it was all she could do. She couldn’t change his past. ”Then you just have to find the one that works for you.” she said encouragingly. The past was the past, but the future held possibility. ”And you can start over and try again as many times as you’d like.” she said, adding in that tidbit from Frey.
Her head tilted slightly at his question, smiling a bit. ”A chance and a choice is more powerful than anything. So long as you are around and open to them, there is hope. It gives them the option that you clearly never had – it gives them freedom.” she said. It seemed to her that part of what made the Launceleyn’s powerful was their ability to monopolize the options. They had lived in a family compound, they had been bound by and oath – if Loren didn’t participate in it, then there was one option Zariah couldn’t control.
”It is hard to put aside the what ifs though, isn’t it?” she said with a small smile.
Just because Loren was better with touch didn’t mean he had his relapses. As Phoebe retreated, he closed his eyes, making sure to focus on regulating his breathing. ”Growing up, the only times people touched me were to hurt me.” At least, those were the only times he really remembered. ”I’m...better now. But I still slip back into feeling that way sometimes.” Picking up the hand she’d squeezed, he rubbed it, almost as if trying to recapture the feeling of simple comfort.
As the conversation turned to his potential future, the Launceleyn opened his eyes and turned to stare at the healer. ”Even if that doesn’t work for others?” Because it seemed to him that there were many types of strength that would fit him well. But that didn’t mean they were right for him, or for the world. Though maybe that meant they didn’t work. As for second, third, fourth, whatever new beginning this was, he already knew that part, though it bothered him. Surely there was a limit to the chances others should give him,
She tilted her head and smiled, but he remained where he was, almost rooted to the ground. ”Are you sure about that?” Because he couldn’t remain as open as he wanted, but if others took away their freedom and choice, it wouldn’t matter in the slightest. When she brought up what ifs, however, he turned away again. ”Yes.” It was one of the many ways he tortured himself now that his family wasn’t around to do it.
Phoebe did feel badly for him, but she didn't dare say it. Touch was one of her greatest comforts, and from her work as a midwife she knew the healing power that touch had. And so she extended her hand, holding it open for him to take if he wished. "Childhood is a very critical time for people developing their basic associations with the senses, touch being a major one. But they can be relearned with time and a little effort." she said knowingly. "One of the best things you can do is to build new, positive associations. Would you like to try?"
Even if it didn't work for others? "The only others you should concern yourself with are those you care about. And even then, you have to love yourself first. It is one of the most difficult lessons Frey has ever tried to teach me." she said softly.
Phoebe smiled and nodded at his final question. "So long as you are free of Zariah, they will have a place to go and family to help and love them. You'll have already done the hard part of figuring that out on your own." she said with confidence. That he tortured himself with what ifs didn't surprise her. At one point it may have served a purpose of keeping him safe from extra pain and suffering. "I know it's hard but...try and focus on what is rather than all the could haves. Easier said than done I know but...if you see yourself walking down that path you can course correct."
No, Loren did not want to try. Still, he sighed, and gingerly rested his palm on Phoebe’s since this seemed so important to her. Besides, she was probably right, and he’d never had a problem touching others if it wasn’t a surprise to him. That didn’t mean it wasn’t incredibly awkward to stand like this. As she continued to speak about caring for others (which was silly, since he cared about pretty much everyone even if he was shit at showing it and sometimes lapsed into darkness), and loving himself, and all that sappy nonsense, and Frey, his eyes searched her features. ”How’s that working out for you?” His voice was carefully neutral, devoid of the cruelty, coldness, and hardness she might’ve expected; indeed, he was almost genuinely curious about the answer.
It wasn’t that simple, and surely the midwife didn’t think so. ”You’re assuming Zariah lets them.” His cousin had very firm ideas about what family should and should not do, and even firmer ideas about how to enforce her desires. ”I was locked in a cell for my perceived disobedience and weakness growing up. And I thought it was my fault.” Time to see if the healer’s confidence held up in the face of that fact.
As Phoebe cajoled him to think about reality instead of paths not taken, he felt himself tense again. ”I don’t have much to…” He trailed off, not sure what he’d meant to say. ”I’ll try.” It was almost certain that he’d fail though.
He took her hand and she smiled at him brightly, her fingers curling over his hand. Sure it was a bit odd just standing there holding hands in the kitchen like weirdos but it was a step. A small, teeny tiny step to him maybe feeling better about himself and his life and his future, whatever that was, and that made Phoebe happy. If she could bring even one person the joy she found in the lessons Frey gave her, then she would be ecstatic. ”Some days are easier than others, but since I have made it my focus…I feel more at peace. More centered.” she said with a small smile. ”I had forgotten that I was worth something, and that I didn’t need someone else to give me value. It’s liberating, in a way, even if I am not perfect at it yet.” she said.
Phoebe knew Zariah was cruel, and knew she would not stand for insubordination. All the more reason for Loren to remain separate. ”So long as you love them through it, Zariah won’t control all of their options. Where there is a will, there is a way. Certainly you of all people know this.” If he had had no will to survive, to be stronger, to be better – even if it had been in the effort to serve his family – he would certainly be dead. Even now he tried to help everyone in the settlement despite people’s wariness. ”Everything you tell them now undermines her power. She is just a grandiose bully.” she said.
”Trying is good.” she said with a small smile, squeezing his hand a bit.
Alright well, there was only so long that Loren was going to stand there, hands linked, before the awkwardness overwhelmed him. As Phoebe’s fingers started to curl around his, he gently untangled their grip, letting his hand fall to his side. Then she began to speak of how she’d found herself, or was trying, at least, and his fingers drummed a nervous rhythm on his thigh. ”I’m glad to hear it.” He was, even if it was yet another reminder of how far he himself had to go. Assuming he was willing and able to do so.
Apparently, mentioning he was locked up didn’t garner much of a response from the healer. Instead, she continued insisting that so long as he remained apart and a better example than his cousin, it would all somehow magically work out in the end. Unfortunately, he couldn’t afford to be that optimistic. ”I don’t know that. And I certainly can’t trust that she won’t be able to sway them to her side.” Maybe when they were much older, Zariah might release them, but the summoner didn’t know what would happen in the meantime. Still, he would try, in more ways than one; Phoebe reached out to squeeze his hand again, apparently in support of his vow. However, he couldn’t help the nagging thought that while trying might be good, succeeding was all that really mattered.
She let his hand go without a fuss, respecting the boundaries he created. He accepted and ended the touch of his own will, and that was important. ”I hope you will try to yourself.” she said. After all he had suffered, certainly he deserved a bit of happiness, even if it was just with himself. It seemed that was more than he had now at any rate.
As far as Zariah was concerned though? Well…there was only so far Phoebe could take her argument. ”You know her better than I do, obviously, so you do whatever it is you think you need to do.” she conceded. She couldn’t fault anyone for trying to protect those they cared for, especially those so reliant on others as children. It was natural to be protective of them.
Seeing as Loren had already told Phoebe he would try multiple times this evening, he figured that there wasn’t any need for him to say the words again. Instead, he just nodded, trusting her to figure out what he meant by the gesture. At least the healer acknowledged that whatever the summoner might want, Zariah might oppose his efforts. He sighed, then gave the midwife a tired look. ”I will do what I think is best for the children.” That too was something he’d said earlier. However, it was something he could cling to: whatever other ideals he might lose sight of, that was one he could always uphold. Indeed, he didn’t want any child to suffer as he had, not if he still had breath left in his body.
10-15-2019, 07:19 PM (This post was last modified: 10-15-2019, 07:19 PM by Phoebe.)
PHOEBE
Phoebe smiled and nodded to him. ”And if you need help with doing so, you clearly know where to find me.” she said. But it was getting late (for six year olds anyways) and she did need to make sure they got to bed. So she walked away then, letting him sit with his thoughts as she gathered up her nephews and helped them pick up their mess from coloring. While her room was upstairs, she had three little private bedrooms she used for patients on the main level, one of which would become the boys room for the time being.
If they were going to stay for a long time though, she might have to expand the size of her home. Oof. Definitely a spring project.
”Auntie will you read us a story?” Rhett asked sleepily, rubbing his eyes as he followed along with his brothers, he glasses having been safely put up on the mantle. ”Of course I can read you a story. But only one. If you don’t go to sleep then Ludo won’t be able to come and get their box!” she said, helping the boys scramble into the bed in a heap. They were very used to sleeping in the same bed when they were at her home, still small enough that having their own beds wasn’t a necessity. She sat on the edge and read from a book – a story about three bears and a very silly girl who came and ate their porridge and slept in their house. Of course, that wasn’t nearly long enough for them to be asleep, and of course, it wasn’t the last request. Cormac asked for water and she patiently fetched three wooden cups of water for their bedside table. The Jax asked her to sing them a lullaby and of course she obliged. This was standard routine by now clearly. And so she softly sang, gently running her hand over their blonde hair to coax the sleepy boys to sleep.
”Sleep oh my darlings, now sleep.
Auntie her vigil doth keep.
Birdlings all sleep in their nests.
Lambkins and bees are at rest.
All now is quiet and still.
Hushed are the vale and the hill.
Soft be thy slumber and deep.
Sleep oh my darlings now sleep.
Oh sleep, oh sleep.”
Slowly but surely the gentle fingers on their heads and soft voice in their ears left the boys snoozing, and Phoebe carefully tucked the blankets in around them as she rose. With careful steps she backed out of the little room, blowing out the single candle as she did so, and closing the door shut as quietly as she could.
Just because Loren knew where to find Phoebe didn’t mean he’d go find her. Indeed, he almost told her not to hold her breath again; he was good at not doing what he was supposed to or what was good for him. Still, he wasn’t going to get into that with her. ”I know.” Then the healer was off to put the boys to bed. As he waited for her to finish, he finally ate his slice of cobbler, then took it over to wash it. As the midwife emerged from what the Launceleyn assumed was the children’s bedroom, Loren made sure to speak in a whisper. ”The packs?” Even it she had forgotten his original purpose here—though how could she, when her nephews were hopefully fast asleep—the summoner hadn’t. Nor could he let her off the hook just because they’d had a relatively pleasant evening.
Phoebe had not forgotten the purpose, but the reminder made her sigh. She wasn’t happy about it but…well she wasn’t going to back out of her half of the bargain. So she moved to the front door, picking up the backpacks from where they were strewn about and brought them over to the coffee table in the living room. ”Jax was wearing this around his neck. It was the ring my brother gave Roana when they got married.” she said, pulling the ring with the chain attached out from her pocket and setting it down. It was a simple, rather plain ring, one clearly more meant for practicality than for show. ”As far as I am aware, all it is is a ring. I don’t think there is any reason you should need to take it.” she said softly.
Then Phoebe starting pulling things out from their bags. Sets of clothes and toys mostly. The Ludo box was nowhere to be seen in the bags – though Loren might remember that the boys had placed it on a window sill. The only thing out of place was a small bag in Rhett’s pack that held three seemingly nondescript daggers. ”She may have given him these since Krosis is Cormac’s inheritance and the wedding ring was given to Jax.” she said with a light shrug.
Just because Phoebe felt sentimental about a keepsake didn’t mean that Loren could allow her to keep any of it. Wessex’s orders had been quite clear, and all he had to go on were the midwife’s assurances. As for the daggers, he certainly wasn’t going to leave those with either the boys or the healer. ”I’m sorry. I can't trust in her intentions. Even if I could, I was told to confiscate all jewelry and weapons.” The summoner had held up his end of the bargain as well, so he held out his hands for both the blades and the ring, eyes sympathetic, but posture firm. ”I will return them once this is all resolved.” Granted, that might never happen, depending on how messy the arrest became, but he would do his best. Glancing over to the box on the windowsill, the Launceleyn frowned. "What's in the box?" After going through all this, the least he could be was thorough.
