Trying My Best (OPEN)

Sam wished too that they did not have to fight, but when there was such an obvious dividing force coming between them, something that would affect both of their lives....he found it impossible not to mention it. He had to know what would happen. There was a possibility he would soon be an enemy to Jigano, as painful as that was, and it was not the time to be cheerfully chatting on. Especially when it seemed Jigano was always insistent on taking the worst possible impressions of The Voice. "And neither does the Voice. She has never told us to go and convert the masses or bring anyone to her. Everyone that's come in the last year has been voluntary. I was not, but that was my families fault, not hers." He insisted, frustration clear in his voice. He watched the tower of dirt reach it's peak, impressed but not saying anything, crossing his arms and looking off, surly and upset. "...I'm sorry that that happened. I hope you weren't too hurt." He said softly, closing his eyes to hear the news of Jigano's fight with The Voice. This was so hard. On the one hand Sam understood perfectly Jigano's feelings, wanted to emphasise with his friend; on the other he had made commitments to his Goddess and while her methods were not always to his liking, he agreed with her goals. Not really knowing what to say about the whole thing, Sam cast his eyes to the ground and softly mumbled: "I really am sorry. About all of this. About the mess it's caused. I admire you very much, Jigano. I...I don't know what to do about any of this." Samuel He took a step but then felt tired He said, I'll rest a little while But when he tried to walk again He wasn't a child

"Was Lucas voluntary? Was Amun? Or any Outlander her portals bring in and change to fit the mold of her creations? At least one who arrives as an Attuned can choose to ignore or avoid the old gods if they wish. As you pointed out to me at LongNight, Ascended must drink from the Voice. They have no choice if they wish to survive." He shook his head with a sigh. His voice was quiet, more pained than accusing, for the words hurt to speak as he considered the friendships that would never again be the same, and others that would likely never even begin.

"Would Rexanna have gone to her if Bastien had not seduced her to it, and Zariah not put her in the position where she was desperate to be rid of her magic? Was it a choice she still would have made without either of those two forces in her life? Both working for the Voice, we now know. The carrot and the stick. I suspect if you look at those who have chosen to Ascend, Sam, you'll find that most of them didn't choose to do it on their own. There was likely an Ascended pushing or coaxing them along, with sweet words and manipulations of love or lust. Or bribes of power or eternal life, two things so often craved by mortal men and women." And once there, there could be no turning back. Ah, but that part was generally left out, wasn't it? ”Why does the Voice need to tell her children to do what they are already doing?”

He knew he was driving the wedge between them deeper with every word, but he was so frustrated that Sam couldn’t see how people had been hurt – even killed – by the Voice’s blight and her push to reopen the portals. Mostly Fae lives so far, but that didn’t make them worth any less than human ones, and humans had been hurt aplenty, too. He didn’t understand how the gentle-hearted bookmaker he had met a year and a half ago had come to lose so much of the empathy he had once had for others.

He turned to see the other man turned away from him, arms crossed and clearly unhappy, and Jigano bit back another sigh of exasperation at the sight. ”I was, in fact,” he growled, remembering Wessex’s strange, sickening pulse and the feel of her fist striking his head. That had been bad enough, even before she summoned the giant which had struck him down until he rose clad in silver scales and seeing red from rage at the sight of the murdered serpent. ”Though it could have been worse. I could have been dead, like the other portal Guardians that have been murdered recently.” A reminder of what the Ascended had been doing to portal guardians of late, and that Jigano now knew firsthand what it was to be attacked by the Voice’s ‘children.’

Sam’s apology was vague, but appreciated nonetheless. The bard sighed and started heading towards a building that was still half-intact, at least with enough roof to protect them from the rain that he could see sweeping in from the west. Distant sparks flickered in the clouds, reassuring him that a proper storm was blowing over the Hollowed Grounds. ”You mean a great deal to me, Sam,” he said softly. ”But… you have changed since you started going to the Voice more often. The increase in your confidence has been a joy to see. But the decrease in your empathy for others… it’s a hell of a price for power, my friend. How many have already been killed for your goddess’s portals to open? And now one leads to Halo, beyond the elemental storms. Halo must trade with other parts of the world for food and goods they can’t make in the ice. The routes may not be easy, but they must exist, and we can now travel them along with the other people of the world. Is it really worth opening more portals – especially if it’s at the cost of more lives – when the only thing they will bring now is convenience? What price the Voice's hubris?”

"What about Abandoned Outlanders? They don't make the choice nor do they deserve to be cast away by the Gods, but they are." Sam retorted, his frustration and upset with having this argument at all making his voice sound horribly whiny, but he was beginning to get annoyed enough at Jigano to just want to yell back his points anyway. "I wish I had never said that. Like everything I say, you take it and twist it and push it back on me so now I have to try and contradict myself." Everything he said next was the same: true in a way, but only with the most uncharitable version of the facts and a determination to see things a certain way. Sam supposed that was what everyone did when trying to make a point, but it still aggravated him. Especially as it made it hard for him to respond, confusion often an issue for him in spoken arguments. He was always far more eloquent on the page. "You can't just assume Rexanna was 'seduced'. She's a very strong woman and makes her own decisions. Maybe Bastien asked her to do it, encouraged her to, but she would not have joined if she did not want to - I have spoken to her since her Ascension. She's sure of what The Voice is doing." When Jigano first referred to other 'portal guardians' that had died Sam felt a jolt of panic, wondering if Remi or Phoebe had died, maybe Amalia; then he realised that he likely meant the Fae guarding the portal. Sam sighed, nodding. He could not really argue that: he disagreed with the easy killing that could occur around The Voice. While he was sometimes able to justify it to himself as a necessary part of the greater good, it still itched at the inside of his skull in the early hours of the morning. He followed Jigano into the building, sitting down by the door and determinedly staring out at the rain rather than at the bard. "I have not lost empathy, Jigano. I've just had to accept who I am. The Old Gods hurt people and have killed many in our history - any book in the Aetheneum could tell you that. It is honestly...rather disturbing to me how easily people side with the majority here, the Old Gods who have thrown their weight around for centuries and controlled how things work, rather than the one Goddess trying to improve matters. No, I am not always comfortable with her methods. I do not ever want blood on my hands and for the moment there is not any - I was hoping to succeed at the Mathair without any death. But what do I do now that there has been? Leave because what could be one of the most important discoveries of our age has gotten difficult?" Sighing he rubbed the back of his neck, unsure if any of his words would ever reach Jigano. "If you really think the advantage of more connection, of trade, culture and travel...is only 'convenience', then I don't know what to tell you about that." Samuel He took a step but then felt tired He said, I'll rest a little while But when he tried to walk again He wasn't a child

"No, they didn't ask to be Abandoned... but neither did the Old Gods bring them here as such," he pointed out. "The Voice's portals brought them here, dumped them in Abandoned bodies without their consent, and she ignores them as often as the old gods do. More, perhaps, since the old gods have taken in more than a few Abandoned - Maea was shown Ludo's favor, and Deimos and Loren have been welcomed as well." Which was to say, there were exceptions to the rule - Rexanna, on the Voice's side, yes, but only her. "Sam... how am I twisting things? You're determined to see the Voice as the hero and refuse to consider anything that indicates otherwise. When it gets brought up you run from it." The bard wished his friend would show some of that backbone when it came to the goddess... but he knew she wouldn't let that happen, not know that she had her talons into the bookmaker's soul.

"Did you speak to Rex before her Ascension?" he asked quietly. "It seems to change people, Sam. And not just on the outside." Yes, Rexanna was strong, but he didn't think she would have gone to the Voice willingly - not without the combination of Bastien's promise of eternal life and love on one hand, and Zariah's threat to use her as a broodmare on the other. Maybe she would have... but of course, they'd never know, now. "Do you know anyone who has Ascended who is capable of speaking against the Voice?"

He settled in beside Sam as the breeze picked up outside, sending a few of last year's leaves skittering through the street. It hurt his heart to hear the bookmaker equate 'accepting who he was as an Ascended' with losing empathy, seeming to make an excuse for it in the same breath he denied it. "The Voice has hurt people too," he pointed out quietly. "And killed them. We don't even have to go back to the war to see that. I don't see how spreading the blight or removing people's ability to taste or feel - or have children - is an improvement. The Old Gods aren't always great for humanity... but from what I've seen and learned so far, the Voice is worse, not better. As I recall, it was the old gods letting humanity grow and blossom on its own without interference that led to the Voice and her ilk taking that faith and betraying it." He sighed as he watched the sky begin to darken as the clouds raced closer, a few drops of rain hitting the ground as thunder rumbled ominously.

"That's what I mean about a lack of empathy," he said softly. "People dying to protect their home from unwelcome invaders isn't a 'difficulty,' Sam. It's a tragedy. Many of the Fae don't want a connection with the outside world, and yet you and the Voice forced it upon them against their wishes. So who is trying to control things there?" Trade could be accomplished without overriding the desires of the native populations of places, after all, but when it was forced upon them or opened in places the existing landowners didn't want? It certainly was convenient for those doing the forcing, but far less so for those who didn't ask for it in the first place.

"And you're determined to see her as an enemy. I'm never going to agree with that. The Voice has taken in Abandoned too, but you didn't mention them. You just.." Sam sighed, hugged himself, not wanting to take this too personal but feeling his frustration mounting to the point where he could not hold back. "You make people feel like they have to think exactly like you or they're stupid. You make me feel stupid. That's why I don't like fighting with you - you talk to me like I'm little and insignificant. It's not just me - Remi's said it too." As for people who could speak against The Voice..."I am sure Wessex would, if she felt she had to. She is not someone to bow down to anybody." Not that he was particularly fond of the former Queen, but he knew just as everyone else how strong she was. "We've spoken before about our problems and so on with The Voice. We don't spend all our time just singing her praises, you know." Jigano was right about the death, Sam could not say anything on that, only nodding mutely. "...I..did not know, before I went, what we were aiming to do at the Mathair. That it would be a fight. Once I was there, I had to help. I think...now that I have my new powers, and I could escape that kind of situation...If I can, I will stay out of the violence. But I can't stop it and whether or not I'm with The Voice, it will keep happening. Ultimately, I agree with her goals, Jigano. I'm sorry. But you won't convince me to let it go. Not now. I've found love and a family and a purpose like I've never had." Samuel He took a step but then felt tired He said, I'll rest a little while But when he tried to walk again He wasn't a child

"As you are determined to see the Old Gods as your enemy," Jigano pointed out quietly. "And what 'them,' Sam? I know only of Rexanna, taken in as a gift to Bastien. What other Abandoned has the Voice shown favor or granted power to?" He watched the bookmaker with eyes that were weary and filled with regret, tilting his head as Remi's name was brought into the conversation, and his brow rose in surprise - not at what the alchemist had said, but that Sam would call on him as an authority. "Remi and I didn't get along for a long time," he said with a nod. "We've worked hard to move past that... and I thought we were making progress. Was this a recent agreement that he made with you? Or an old one?" Remi being mad at him a year ago was only to be expected. If it was more recent though...

Then again, Sam had a way of twisting memories and remembering conversations to suit himself.

"We fight when the Voice uses you to hurt people," the bard said softly. "When she uses you to hurt me. But I'm sorry that I make you feel that way, Sam." What more could he say? That Sam continued to act like a child, clinging to the Voice as the mother he never truly had, even though he was an adult now? That the bookmaker always said he lay awake at night worrying about the choices he was asked to make... but then, Ascended didn't sleep, did they? And in the end he never actually questioned what he was asked to do, he just did it. "I don't want to fight with you, either, but you know how I feel about the Voice... and you continue to bring her up when we meet, as if you're looking for a fight. As if she's the only thing in your life anymore."

He barked a bitter laugh at the mention of Wessex, shaking his head sharply as the rain began to come down harder, a stiff wind blowing it over them both. "Wessex? Sam, she's been bribed and tinkered with so many times I don't think she can sneeze without the Voice's permission. Much less stand against her. Stand against the Voice's enemies? Surely. But against the Voice herself? ...No, Sam, she will never tell your goddess 'no.'" Maybe Rex...

Then again, maybe not.

"And I wouldn't know. She's all you talk about - all any Ascended I've spoken to ever wants to talk about - and only ever to defend her and say how good she is. The 'one goddess trying to improve matters,' just now, wasn't it?" He shrugged, holding in his sigh as he turned his attention back to the storm that was rumbling on top of them now. Lightning arced through the sky above as the moonlight faded to an eerie darkness, and the bard's eyes shone fox-mirrored in the flash.

He listened to Sam's soft speech, but his expression did not look reassured. "You've been able to turn invisible for a year, Sam," he said softly. "If you truly wanted to leave that fight, wanted to avoid hurting those Fae, you could have done so at any time. And you didn't have to help if you thought killing a sacred spirit or its defenders was truly wrong. But something in you... thought that the Voice's goals were more important than other people's lives. People who only wanted to defend their home and the soul of a being more ancient than the barrier." He shook his head and turned a sad smile on his friend as the thunder crashed again above them, shaking dust from the rafters. "I know I won't change your mind, Sam." After what the Voice had done to his friend, he knew he couldn't. "I'm just sorry the Loreseekers couldn't be your family and purpose."

Sam did not say anything else. He was exhausted, couldn't continue this endless circular argument with no end; The Voice was such a major point of his life he couldn't not mention her, surely Jigano knew that? But he could already hear the reaction to that, the disgust that he had no life outside her...this felt like a pointless argument. The last thing that was said though, it stung. "...You are important to me. The rest of the guild...Amalia hates me. I barely know anyone else, and Caiside is..." He sighed, trailing off. The Ascended had certainly been more accessible for friendships, anyway; had more in common with him too, with the connection of their Goddess and shared physical changes between them. "I know that you probably think I'm a bad person now. Sometimes I think that too, but then I don't know if I can so easily criticise my whole life like you seem to be able to do." He sighed, poked about with some dust on the floor. "If...if you want, I can give you the guild books and we do not have to speak anymore. I will not ask you for more favours, for I'm sure you wouldn't want to be helping someone that helps The Voice." Samuel He took a step but then felt tired He said, I'll rest a little while But when he tried to walk again He wasn't a child

The silence from Sam was no victory, Jigano knew, and he wished he'd been able to find better words to convince his friend to think for himself, rather than to blindly follow the Voice's commands. It was Yohgel all over again, and his heart contracted painfully at that thought. No, no, that was not a road he wanted to go down again. He had wanted to leave all that behind on this new world...

But the gods had different plans, it would seem. Didn't they always? Different day, same shit to roll uphill.

"There wasn't anyone else," he said softly. "With Caiside dead it was only you and Amalia and I... until just the other day. And I have no idea if Ingrid will work out with us." Recruiting was high on his list of things to do and soon Loren would join them, given the timey wimeys, but Sam's next words made his blood run cold. The silence that stretched between them afterwards was broken by a crack of lightning bright enough to blind and an immediate boom of thunder fit to deafen a snake. If Jigano hadn't already been stunned those words have done so, and at least it gave him an excuse for not responding right away as he waited for sight and hearing to return, blinking rapidly to get the white afterimages to fade. The rain continued to pound on the ground and drum on the roof, beginning to collect in puddles as the downpour continued.

"What is it that you want, Sam?" he asked when he thought he had a chance of being heard again, turning to regard the bookmaker with a complexity of emotions locked behind an unreadable expression.

"Then only half the guild likes me." He pointed out with a sigh, lowering his head to tap down onto his arms. He and Amalia were unlikely to ever be great friends, given their stark opposite devotions to their Gods. It seemed union with The Voice came with a great price. Sam had thought he was doing Jigano a kindness by offering to leave, cutting out the awkward part where Jigano had to kick him out. He looked up to ask why his friend was so quiet just as the loud thunder rolled over them and jumped, looking back out of the doorway and up at the sky, blowing a stressed huff out of his mouth. As it quietened down Jigano finally spoke and he sighed, looking at the ground, expecting to be told he wasn't welcome. "I want to be in the Loreseekers and be your friend and help The Voice and the Ascended. I want everyone to try and get along and see that we're all just...trying. I know even people that hate the Ascended and love the Old Gods are trying to make sense of it. I just want to live a nice peaceful life, doing what I can to help The Voice, loving Nathaniel - who I did not seduce into Ascending, by the way - and making books. But that seems to be becoming less and less possible." Samuel He took a step but then felt tired He said, I'll rest a little while But when he tried to walk again He wasn't a child

"So far it's two out of three. And perhaps Ingrid will like you, too," he coaxed. If Edy had, it was at least possible. Unless Sam was determined to feel sorry for himself and paint the whole world as against him. Jigano looked away to watch the storm, remembering all the times that Sam had been unable to separate anger with the Voice for anger at himself. It was very much like a cult in that respect, and no appeal to reason had been able to sway Sam from its clutches.

It was likely, at this point, that none ever would.

The flash of lightning and thunder effectively stalled the conversation for a minute, giving the bard a chance to think through what he wanted to say next. Not a statement, but a question, trying to unravel down to the heart of the matter. Memories of Safrin gave painful inspiration as he listened to Sam's list, and he nodded thoughtfully as he waited for another thunder crash to fade. "Nathaniel... you mean, he chose not to join you in Ascension, then? And remained Accepted?" the bard asked curiously, trying to parse his friend's wording. He still hadn't met this mysterious Nate, though he thought he remembered seeing a strange man beside Sam at the meeting.

"You listed perhaps eight things that you want... but if you could only see three of them through, which would be the three things most important to you?" he asked again, outwardly calm as he watched the rain continue to come down outside their little shelter.

"Perhaps." Sam agreed, though he did not sound very hopeful. It felt like at the moment he was not having much luck in making friends nor keeping them; it was a miracle he had found Nate and a further miracle still that the man had stuck around enough to gain romantic affection for him. Though speaking of Nate, he shook his head at Jigano's question. "No, he Ascended. What I mean is that he asked me of it first. I told him but I also made sure he was well aware of what he would lose, what it meant - that he was not obligated to do it. That I did not expect him to. He told me he wanted to anyway after he had a while to think about it, so I took him to The Voice. People can choose to join on their own, is my point." Sam knew Nate well by now. He did not feel the man could be forced to do anything he didn't want to, not without a lot of leverage. Jigano, he noticed, had not answered whether or not he thought Sam to be a good person, nor had he said they could still be friends. Sam pressed his lips together, trying to think of a way to cut down the things he had wanted to just three. "I want to make my books, be your friend, and be with The Voice. Nathaniel has told me he will stay with me anyway, so I do not have to fight for that." He smiled softly, glad he had someone in his corner. Samuel He took a step but then felt tired He said, I'll rest a little while But when he tried to walk again He wasn't a child

Sam was a champion when it came to feeling sorry for himself, and by now Jigano had learned that continuing to push at the topic would only make the redheaded bookmaker dig his heels in harder against attempts to coax optimism from his sad blue-green eyes (amazing eyes, really, that seemed to change color depending on the angle of the light).

Ahhh, there it was. "Was it a road he would have chosen if he hadn't loved you and wanted to be with you?" the bard asked gently. Though perhaps the point was moot. "Did he meet the Voice himself before you took him to Ascend? Or any of the other gods, to learn what the other options were?" Or had he made the choice based solely on Sam's brainwashed loyalty to a goddess who used him as a tool and a weapon? Did you tell him that she will ask him to kill for her? he didn't ask, a small mercy because Nate made Sam happy and, oh, Jigano wished the man had been an anchor for the bookmaker among the unAscended. No one had forced this Nate to Ascend, certainly... but there were other ways to manipulate and bribe a desperate heart, to lead it in the direction you wanted it to go. Sam himself and his recent devotion to the Voice after a decade of resenting and fearing her was proof of that.

His question was not an easy one, but this was not an easy conversation. He knew Sam's loyalties lay with the Voice, and likely would take priority over the Guild and any friendships with non-Ascended, if it came down to it. Would he attack Jigano the way he had attacked the Fae and the Mathair, if she ordered it? The answers were sweet, as the bookmaker could be, and Jigano found himself smiling a little at the confidence his friend had in the mysterious Nate and tilting his head in silent agreement and approval of the certainty that lay there.

The rest, though... "No one will stop you from making books," he said with a small smile. "That is yours, and yours alone. It's why I want to help you get your fingers back, regardless of who will repair them for you." He only regretted that his magic could not manage it, or he would have found a way to do so already without these dangerous quests. "And I told you at LongNight that I consider you my friend in spite of her. I don't trust the Voice... and after what she's done to me, personally, and the cost the blight took on my friends and family, and the deaths of the Fae and the killing of the guardian I had sworn to save... she has given me ample reason to hate her, and none at all to give her any benefit of the doubt." He sighed and turned to look at his friend again as lightning struck a little distance away, shaking the ruined room they were in with the force of the thunder that followed. He waited for its echoes to die away before continuing, looking at Sam intently "She is my enemy. But you are not the Voice, and you are my friend. Can that be enough for you?" he asked gently, knowing that it was not the answer Sam wanted, but it was the most honest one that Jigano could give him.

"He doesn't love me." Sam replied with whip-fast precision as Jigano brought up the word, the certainty in his voice surprising even himself. "And yes. He spoke to Frey and tried to pray a few more times, though he was ignored." It was clear from his voice what Sam thought of the Gods ignoring people; after all The Voice answered almost every time he needed her. "He came to it knowingly and willingly." Jigano began to wear a smile as he gave his answer and Sam tentatively returned it, unsure where their relationship stood as this conversation went on. He wished they could go back to the beginning, to the Atheneum, have a fresh start. Like you did with Remi...? the sickly voice in his head suggested and he shut his eyes, trying to dismiss it. How he wished them simply being friends was enough. "It would be, if it were not for our new roles around the portals. You have a task and it is to stop me doing mine - how are we going to deal with that?" Sam asked, genuinely desperate for an answer and hoping that Jigano might have one; as much as the man could make him feel stupid, he did still admire his intelligence. Samuel He took a step but then felt tired He said, I'll rest a little while But when he tried to walk again He wasn't a child

The brow rose at the swift dismissal of Nate's love, and the curious certainty behind it. It didn't sound like Nate had spoken to the Voice on his own, but at least he'd given the old gods a try. The bard nodded slowly, accepting Sam's defense, though he found the bookmaker's insistence on a god answering every prayer utterly bemusing. This one-on-one communication that was so common on Caido was extremely rare on his world, and every answered prayer was a miracle to him, rather than to be expected. Though, come to think of it, Abasi had held a similarly entitled mindset, as if the gods owed him anything.

He couldn't help but wonder if the Voice would continue to be so accommodating to her worker drones as her territory and influence expanded. It was probably easier to answer every prayer when there were only a dozen people praying than when thousands were sent up each day from across an entire world. Old Gods willing, Sam would never learn what that could be like with his goddess, though.

Jigano's small smile faded as Sam shut his eyes as if to shut out the bard's words, and he came back around to the portals again like a dog worrying a bone. Jigano looked back out the window, seeing the sky lightening to the west as the tail end of the swift spring storm came into view, though the rain continued to drum down for the moment. "If you intend to use the portals for harming others, Sam, or if the Voice uses them to harm others through you... then yes, my task is to stop you." His grin quirked up, but it was dark and without humor. "Another way to look at it is that your task is to stop me from doing mine, you realize? Will you attack me, or Amalia, to get through the Portal and spread the Voice's violence to regions beyond? As it has taken violence and murder to open every portal so far?" With his superhuman strength and that electric barrier he could indeed do quite a lot of harm to the non-Ascended. Jigano didn't think that Remi or Phoebe would fight, though. Or at least, Phoebe wouldn't fight effectively, so Sam's only real obstacles were himself and the Shield of Safrin. Did his loyalty to his goddess push him to attack even his friends and guildmates in pursuit of her goals?