Trying My Best (OPEN)

Sam truly believed that The Voice did not intend to hurt anyone, not with her portals or anything else; people got hurt, but it was always accidental, necessary, a side effect. While he still did not care for it, it seemed nothing came peacefully from the histories he had read...though he did not know if that was enough justification to stamp down the guilt very much present within him. Still, there was no intention to harm in him. He hoped to use the portals to connect worlds, to help people....and yes, to gain his Goddess's favour. Jigano's questions drew a frown from him as he bent his mind to the new perspective. While he could argue the semantics (giving that his job was doing and theirs was guarding, it could be said to be rather clear who was stopping whom), there was a more obvious answer on his lips: "No. I would not attack you or Amalia. Because you'd both easily beat me in one strike, because I care about you, but more than that: Because I..I..." He sighed, shook his head. "I'm not that kind of person. I don't...relish violence or anything like that. I don't want people to get hurt. But what do I do? I've been given a task by a Goddess I wish to stay loyal to and my friends are against me doing it, to the extent it might lead to fights. You say you'll be my friend despite The Voice, but it's impossible, Jigano. I'm stuck between everyone." Sam worried at a corner of his shirt, staring into the corner of the room. "A year or so ago I would have just killed myself, honestly. Now I'm no longer in that place, but I don't know...where...I am." Samuel He took a step but then felt tired He said, I'll rest a little while But when he tried to walk again He wasn't a child

He was glad to hear that Sam wouldn't attack him or his fellow guildmembers, and for more reasons than just fear of their power - though he noticed that that came first on the list, fear more motivating than love for the bookmaker. He held in his sigh, watching the rain fall in gloomy counterpoint to the conversation they were having, wondering if Sam would still be his friend after this - after so many disagreements centered on the Voice.

And another one now, Sam stating that their friendship was impossible, rejecting Jigano's attempts to find a way through the thorny passage the gods had grown around them. The bard looked back towards the bookmaker solemnly, hearing what Sam did not say; that a year ago his friendship and the guild would not have been reason enough to live for, even before the Voice came back into his life.

Remi might have been enough... but Sam had no memories of that love, not firsthand. Not anymore, at least.

"I'm glad that you don't feel the need to do that now," he said quietly. "Even though I'm... I don't know what to say, if you think it's impossible to be friends in spite of the gods." Damn, but that hurt, twisting into Jigano's gut like a sharp knife. "You're the only one who can make that decision for yourself, though. What's important enough to fight to keep, whether it be your friends or your goddess." He had made his, and had told Sam that he still considered them friends. He knew where his heart lay.

He'd thought he known where Sam's was, but had that, too, been removed by the Voice when he wasn't looking?

If only Sam could read Jigano's thoughts, he could have corrected him so easily; that he had not had enough to live for for years, that he had held a blade in his hands loosely, stared at it and considered, for almost his whole life; that it had less to do with The Voice coming into to his life and more to do with new confidence coming from friendships, from life lived, from love felt...that he still dipped into it sometimes. That his friendships had nothing to do with his will to continue his life. "Don't you see we're going to have to fight each other?" He asked, voice so desperate to be understood it broke a little in the middle. "How can I tell you I'll be your friend then work against you? It's dishonest and I can't do it to you. I care too much about you." Sam pushed the heels of his palms into his eyes and sighed, standing up on wobbly feet and looking out of the door to see the progress of the storm. Rumbling down a bit, he thought. "I don't want you to think any of this is to do with my not liking you or the guild. It's...perfect, for me, really. I just wish I could spend all my time there, but I have...obligations, now, that I want to fulfil." Sam rubbed at his arms. Samuel He took a step but then felt tired He said, I'll rest a little while But when he tried to walk again He wasn't a child

A shake of a white head as he glanced back at his friend, and a quirk of facile lips. "You said you wouldn't attack me or Amalia, Sam. I trust you on that, so why would we need to fight?" He already had the bookmaker's word on that, for the reasons he had just listed. "I care about you, too. It's why it hurts so much to see the Voice putting you in these impossible positions... to see her turning you against your friends," he admitted with a frustrated shake of his head. Frustration he quickly mastered as Sam joined him on his feet again so they could watch the storm beginning to slow, rain no longer drumming down so fiercely as the sky grew lighter with every passing minute.

"I know you like us," Jigano said gently. "And I agree... of all those in it, you are the most well-suited to the research and the study, the chronicles and the calligraphy, illuminations and ordering of the books that form our guild's heart. You are welcome among us." And then he hesitated for a moment, because he knew his next words would not be welcome ones for Sam to hear. "But... your goddess is not. Not as long as she opposes the old gods and seeks to stir up strife and violence against their followers and creatures."

"B..because I'm going to go and explore for the portals, and you're going to try to stop me!" Sam pushed his hands into his hair, frustrated now. Was Jigano being deliberately obtuse? His voice was not aggressive, just desperate, lost; he felt sometimes entirely alone when no one seemed to understand his point of view, how he saw things. He knew people thought of him as stupid, immature, childish, but he couldn't help how obvious it all seemed to him. With a heavy sigh, he took a step towards the door then looked back to Jigano. "...I am my Goddess, in many ways. How would you feel if I said I was going to cut you out of things because of what the Old Gods have done? Don't pretend they haven't done anything." They were going around in circles. He leaned against the doorframe, holding out a hand to catch the raindrops falling after the storm. "Maybe in a few years this will all be worked out. But...I don't know if it can be right now." Samuel He took a step but then felt tired He said, I'll rest a little while But when he tried to walk again He wasn't a child

Jigano stood watching Sam silently, a great sadness in his eyes. He had never said that was going to stop Sam from exploring the portals, or any other Ascended for that matter. He had said that his task was to 'to ensure that the portals weren't used for ill.' Specifically that if there were signs of an Ascended army gathering, or that another Voice-borne sickness emerged, that he would feel the need to step in. That Sam was so certain that harm would be spread by his actions that he knew they would have to come to blows revealed much of the Voice's plans for the world beyond the Hollowed Grounds.

"I care for you, Sam. Deeply. But..." Jigano sighed and shook his head. "If you cannot see shades of grey in the world, if all you see is black and white... then you must do as you see fit." He would not trap Sam the way the Voice had, even if he could. He would try to sway his friend, to convince him to see things as the bard did, but he would not create a cage that required Sam to stay be his side or fade away and die if he chose differently. Neither, though, would he let Sam destroy a world when even the bookmaker knew he would be hurting others to pursue his goddess's aims.

"If the old gods had blighted you, and our other friends, and then refused to help clean up their mess, forcing the Voice to step in and save us? If the old gods had directly taken a hand in murdering people who only wanted to defend their homes against those same gods' unwanted presence on their land? If the old gods had created monsters that walked the barrierlands every LongNight, killing anyone they could catch outside, and then refused to stop them? ...Then yes, Sam, you would be well within your rights to be worried about what I would do if I continued to follow such gods blindly." He sighed as the wind picked up in a playful gust, spattering them both with the rain that continued to fall. "But I would not be the man I am if I followed such beings after they did those things to the people I love." Was he fool for still wanting to remain friends with Sam after the Ascended had done those things?

Probably. But his friend meant too much to him for the bard to just write Sam off due to the Voice's influence in his life. He owed the bookmaker too much, but if Sam was determined to make them enemies, Jigano wasn't sure how to stop him.

Sam looked back absolutely flabbergasted at Jigano's words: to him, Jigano was the one struggling to see shades of grey. Once again the mess of his communication skills had failed to get his ideas across, it seemed, and he had potentially lost a friend over it. He said nothing, the hurt and confusion in his eyes more than accurately portraying the thoughts within his mind. "...I...I suppose we see those things differently." He said sadly, finally, then stepped out of the door, looking up to the metal, ignoring the rain on his face. More than anything else, he just wanted to leave now. To get away from the questions, the incessant blame, the whip of Jigano's tongue. Staring up the length of the earth pillar he saw the metal at the top; it was not quite sparking but it was definitely crackling with some kind of energy. Sam pulled a cloth from his bag that had been holding tea bags to hold it with, covering it in a little mud as an extra barrier from the electricity. "Can you please bring the metal down? ...Thank you, for that." Samuel He took a step but then felt tired He said, I'll rest a little while But when he tried to walk again He wasn't a child

Sam had spent too much time looking away from the bard, avoiding his gaze and turning his own blue-green eyes down. Jigano had given up on meeting his friend's eyes and had turned his attention out the window again, missing the hurt and confusion that were not spoken aloud, not put into words or communicated beyond the frustration and certainty that they would have to come to blows over Sam's Voice-appointed task.

"Yes... I suppose we do," Jigano agreed wearily and no less sadly for being unable to help his friend see the damage and pain that the Voice had already caused in such a short time. Havoc and chaos and murder most foul...none of it with good reason. None of it with any reason at all that Jigano could see, beyond impatience and selfishness in the very best case scenario... and malice aforethought in the worst.

He sighed and followed Sam out into the rain, part of him appreciating the ambience of the storm and the grey skies, the heavens crying the tears that neither of them would let fall while the other watched. There was a certain poetry in it, even as thunder rumbled off to the east as the cloudburst rampaged on across the hollowed grounds, past them and heading towards the distant line of divine storms that would swallow it up.

The earthen pillar was definitely the worse for wear, muddy and fragile from where the rain had lashed it and the lightning had seared through it, drawn by the fragments of metal in its heart that Jigano had used to try and construct the impromptu lightning rod. It was going to take a serious effort to avoid it collapsing and potentially burying the metal rod, and Jigano bit back his sigh as he laid a gentle hand against the base of the construct and began to gently, carefully, pull it back down towards them a few slow inches at a time as he worked to reinforce the weakened parts. "If you're planning to work against me, are you sure you should take my charity in this?" he asked quietly, wondering how Sam would justify that with his previous statement that the bookmaker would feel bad about lying to his friend when the Ascended seemed so certain that they would eventually fight.

Sam watched Jigano pull the tower down, impressed at the clear skill involved in dismantling the structure without making it fall, but too put out to say so. It was clear with the interest in his eyes he thought it was at least special, though. Jigano's question made him look to the bard instead. "...I...don't suppose I really have a choice. You could..not give it to me, if you wanted." He hugged himself then let his arms drop sadly by his sides, sighing and looking up to the metal slowly descending towards them. [b]"Hopefully, neither of us will have to do anything to do with the other during this whole portal mess and we can...work it out later. That's what I want, I think. So...this...should be okay. I don't know. I don't know how I feel about anything properly, Jigano." Shrugging and shaking his head, he wished he could feel certain in anything. Even his devotion to The Voice that he had been so steadily defending had it's wobbly moments. "If...I thought I could do something to help you now, I would still do it. Because I respect and care for you, even if we're in a difficult position. So I think I can take it, yes." Samuel He took a step but then felt tired He said, I'll rest a little while But when he tried to walk again He wasn't a child

His lips tilted in a sad half-smile as he gave a small shake of his head, though his attention remained mostly on the pillar as it retreated from thirty feet down to twenty, the earth rolling and pushing back to where it had been taken from. "No, I won't hold it back from you, Sam. I did this for you, for my friend. But what you do with it after you have it will be up to you." Whether his conscience would urge him to throw it away, or whether his need to have his hands in working order again would encourage him to keep it, it would be his decision. What he followed with, though, had Jigano pausing to look over his shoulder, blue eyes searching Sam's face.

"I would prefer that as well," he agreed gently. "If you were doing this for any reason other than aiding the Voice, I'd probably be right out there with you," he added, the ghost of a crooked smile almost creasing the corners of his eyes.

Almost.

"But as long as no harm comes from it, Sam, we won't be at odds. If your lady is as benevolent as you seem to think - despite all the evidence I've seen and experienced to the contrary so far - I don't think the gods will push us to action." He would be very hard to convince after the blight and the killings, admittedly, but for Sam and Rexanna... for them, he would at least try.

He turned back to the pillar, working it down another five feet. The metal was still out of reach, but it was becoming easier and the work went faster as the thicker base of the earthen construct was sturdier and steadier in spite of the rain. Sam's offer had him pausing again in surprise, though only briefly before he hummed in thought. "I... might have something I would ask of you," he said slowly, thinking of his talk with Ludo. "Though I would understand if you don't want to, and it wouldn't change anything between us if you refused." It wasn't something he wanted to ask of his friend, in truth, and his voice was reluctant, but on the other hand... he would far rather gain it by free will of a friend than violence or deception of someone else.

Sam was relieved to hear Jigano would not keep the metal from him. As much as he had had harsh words with the man today, he didn't know how else he would gather the crucial ingredient to heal...perhaps it was selfish of him, but his desperation to have his hand whole again trumped a lot of guilt or qualms about correctness in his mind. He was less confident than Jigano that the Gods would not send them against him simply on principle but he said nothing of it, hoping deeply that the bard was right. "I believe she means no harm. I wouldn't do it if I didn't." Sam repeated, staring at the descending pillar and to the sky above. He hadn't expected Jigano to actually ask anything of him, not after their argument, but he had meant what he'd said. "Yes? What is it?" Samuel He took a step but then felt tired He said, I'll rest a little while But when he tried to walk again He wasn't a child

Perhaps Sam wouldn't see it since he wasn't looking at him, but Jigano nodded slowly in response to Sam's faith, hoping against hope that it wouldn't be betrayed (again and again). His own attention remained on the pillar, pulling it down slow and controlled so they didn't lose the very prize they had worked to create.

At last it came into reach, and the bard looked back to see what his friend had devised to safely carry the sparking metal, still sizzling with the aftershocks of the lightning strike. It wasn't perfect, but it was better than nothing, and the bard pulled the earth down a little further before stepping back to give Sam access to the bar, softening the soil around it as he did so.

The offer of a favor, and it's acceptance, had him drawing in a slow breath as he gave a thoughtful nod. "I would like some Ascended fluid, please. It doesn't need to be a lot. But after what happened with Wessex in the Spire... I'm trying to devise a way to prevent someone from biting me without permission." His smile was mirthless as he tilted his head at Sam. "I trust you and Rex to never do it without asking, but Wessex... well. We've got history, she and I, and suffice to say the bite is an intimacy I would never willingly share with her. Or most others, in truth." Amun was also questionable, in his book, and Lucas had likely stolen Ludo's mask from Remi, resulting in the loss of the alchemist's memories. Nor was there any guarantee that other Outlander Ascended who came through would be upright citizens, any more than Outlanders of any other race. The Devil's Advocates were proof of that.

Taking the bar and holding it reverently, knowing it would give him back his fingers, Sam for a moment wanted to apologise to Jigano, to take it all back, to renounce The Voice then and there in gratitude for his friend's kindness. But his lips wouldn't form the words, not when he didn't really believe them. Instead he took in a steady breath and said simply: "Thank you. Very much." Jigano's request took him by surprise. While he didn't object to the request outright, he certainly had questions. "Um...I...I could do that for you...but...how is it going to stop Wessex from biting you? And...this way won't hurt us or The Voice, right? I don't think you'd do that, but I'd want you to be sure." Whatever Jigano was planning, if it required fluid he was sure it was something assisted by the Old Gods. Samuel He took a step but then felt tired He said, I'll rest a little while But when he tried to walk again He wasn't a child

The bar passed into Sam's hands, and what was done was done. Jigano smiled sadly at the gratitude, giving his friend a small bow, taking solace in formality. This would help his friend regain the use of his fingers, yes... but in the future would those same fingers be used to hurt him or those he loved? To drive a dagger between the ribs of a portal guardian, or to spread sickness, all unknowing?

He could only hope not, and trust that Sam would eventually grow up into the man he had glimpsed when they had first met.

Sam's reservations were met with a grave nod. Jigano hadn't expected the bookmaker to be eager to part with his fluid, not after the threat to his life before LongNight, and he had meant what he said about not being upset if his friend refused. "The idea is that it won't hurt anyone who doesn't try to bite me against my will," he explained. "It will be used to fuse with a magic item that will create a magical armor, of a sort, that will only repel Ascended fangs. The fluid acts as a 'key' for the item so it can recognize what to guard against. The purpose is defensive only, I promise." There were other items that worked to hinder or hamper Ascended abilities... but he didn't have one of those.

Even if Wessex had shown the need for one.

But that was a thought for another time.