and it's hard to dance with a devil on your back

For a brief moment, Loren slumped forward, eyes distant. ”Loneliness is preferable to letting people in and just losing them again, for one reason or another.” The words were soft and pained. Then he sat up straight again, all signs of distress gone. "No. Not really. You just get used to it being there." He looked down for a moment. "But it hurts just as much." At that Astra gave an unhappy bleat, so he lifted his gaze back at Samuel. "Does it help you to talk to people?" However, the summoner found himself tapping his fingers against the table before he stilled them. "His name was Abasi. He was an Outlander, from a world very different from my own, and from this one. He was an undertaker." Pausing, he searched the redhead's features for some sign of a reaction. "And I never got to tell him I loved him." The admission hurt, and his expression grew sad for just an instant before fading back into impassiveness. ”I never said he was acting.” The Launceleyn shrugged, the motion having little energy behind it. ”But people change. He became much freer and more confident in Caido than he ever was in our old world. So this might be another change for him.” Perhaps unsurprisingly, he wasn't bothered by the thought. Perhaps because grief had similarly changed him, more times than he could count. LOREN Not quite an open book

Did they get you to trade
Your heroes for ghosts?

"No...it isn't." Sam gently shook his head, not wanting to argue with the distressed man but not wanting to agree to what he knew to be wrong. "I was very alone for a lot of years and it eats at you. Sometimes...it can hurt to meet people and carry on, but...still." He had spent many years staring at the wall by himself, wishing he had someone next to him, dreaming of arms around him or even just someone to pop by and have a chat with every so often. Sam knew that no matter how many people he'd lost, or how they hurt him, he would take it a hundred times over being alone again.

'You just get used to it being there' he supposed was similar to how he felt, enough so that he didn't ask any more about it. Sad, he thought, that one could never really feel love the same way, once someone had gone - he wondered if The Voice would be able to help. Not to forget, but to be able to take the pain out of the memory.

He nodded to confirm that it did help him to talk, when people were willing to listen. It had been a newfound luxury for him in the last couple of years and one that he had thoroughly appreciated being able to use. Sam listened closely to Loren's words about his love, wanting to show he was paying the proper respectful attention. "Oh, yes - I saw the Mortuary open. It's noble work, I think, to take that on. What was it you loved about him?

That Remi had perhaps entered a new stage in his life rather than begun a temporary change...the thought worried Sam. Still, even if Remi did return to the man he knew, he wasn't sure if he'd be forgiven anyway. "Mm..I suppose you could be right."

Samuel

Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?

Cold comfort for change?

Astra rubbed herself against Loren’s leg at Samuel’s statement. Absently, the summoner reached down and scratched her head, even as his eyes grew sad. Indeed, they sparkled with tears that he immediately and instinctively blinked away. For a long while, he didn’t respond. When he finally did, it was barely above a whisper. ”My family tortured me for fifteen years. Both my immediate family and my extended kin. Emotionally, physically, magically.” Taking a deep breath, he schooled his features into a neutral mask as he lifted his hand from his companion. ”My mother died in childbirth, as did my stepmother. My father and eldest brother were murdered. My sister died, though she was resurrected. Then she didn’t come to Caido with us, and I lost her all over again. At first I didn’t think my twin had either, and I mourned him as well. Then after I found him again, I was disowned from the family, losing him all over again as well. My cousin was eaten by a landshark, and my other cousin threatened to kill me after she disowned me.” The list came out almost in a drone. ”I lost Ronin, and Remi, and more friends besides, even if some of them still live. Even if most of that is my fault” Looking away, he felt his eyes prickling with unshed tears once more, and his voice grew strained. ”Caido is the third world I’ve been in, and the third world I’ve lost in. I’m tired. I’m so tired of losing people. I was tired before Abasi...before he...” He took a deep, shuddering breath. ”So yes. Loneliness is preferable to that. Maybe not for you. But...it is for me.” There was a weary and defeated tone to the words. The question about what he’d loved about Abasi didn’t exactly improve the Launceleyn’s mood. He found himself entirely unable to look at the redheaded man seated across from him. ”I loved...the way he smiled at me. Just for me. The way he encouraged me to be myself, and not to worry so much about what others might think. That all he asked from me was honesty. That he challenged me, but not, not ever in a way I minded…” Loren’s words grew half-choked, and he found himself trailing off as his jaw feathered with tension. It was almost a relief to discuss Remi instead. Indeed, the summoner found himself shutting off once more, his brief bout of grief fading away almost as if it had ever been. ”When I came back from my...disappearance, he told me that all I needed to say was that I missed him, and that I was here if he needed me. If he wanted that.” Finally, he looked back at the man seated across from him. ”So this time, when I saw him again, that’s what I did." LOREN Not quite an open book

Did they get you to trade
Your heroes for ghosts?

Loren was quiet for a time and Sam didn't push him to speak; he often took a long time to formulate his own words and knew that being rushed could ruin everything you'd prepared to say. In the spare moments he organised some of his things, trying his best to avoid Loren's eyes so he wouldn't seem to be pressuring.

When the man finally did speak, it was quiet and so bizarrely revealing compared to anything else he'd said so far that Sam had to pause to try and take it in - not that he had much of a chance before Loren was rambling off his entire history, totally changing from being quiet and stoic as he had been before. Once the initial surprise had worn off he rested his hands on his lap and tried to listen attentively again, nodding when it felt appropriate. It was odd to be on the other side of a long sad ramble for once.

That loneliness was preferable, though...he still wasn't sure he thought it was the best thing for Loren, but he wouldn't argue when he'd just heard so much sadness fall from his lips. Sam knew how grating it could be to have someone insist you cheer up or think different when you were under the weight of the past.

The words for Abasi were sweet and made Sam smile at the same time they made his heart heavy - it was clear Loren had a lot of regrets, a lot of love lost. "He sounds like a very good man. I'm sorry." What else was there to say, really?

Loren's statement on Remi and the fact that he'd had so little to say made it dawn on Sam he might be holding Loren back uncomfortably - that he was wasting the time of someone already grieving. Embarrassed, he sighed and gave him a weak smile. "Well, I won't...make you stay here and tell me all your miseries. I'll be here though, if you need or want some support in the future."

Samuel

Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?

Cold comfort for change?

Strangely enough, Loren did feel a little lighter after unburdening himself to Samuel. Not enough to smile, or to show much life, but after revealing his past at least the summoner didn’t have to force himself to be polite or normal, because he wasn’t normal and he didn’t feel like being polite these days. Astra snuggled even closer to him, and he reached down again to give her head a rub. When the redhead mentioned Abasi sounded like a good person, though, the Launceleyn's carefully blank mask faltered for a moment. Grief etched its way onto his features. "He was." The words were soft, but carried the lifetime of sorrow he'd experienced. At the other man's comment, Loren nodded then stood. "Thank you." Reaching down, he hefted his bag. Turning, he headed towards the stairs. However, he hesitated at the foot of them. "If anyone...I went to Halo. In case it comes up." With that, he made his way up to the Atheneum proper, and headed towards the portal. Despite the heavy pack, his steps came just a little bit easier than they had before. LOREN Not quite an open book

Did they get you to trade
Your heroes for ghosts?

All men you'd once loved were good, Sam thought idly, though he supposed only if they weren't around to change that reputation later (ahem Remi). He could feel the waves of pain coming from Loren but actually felt hopeful, when he saw the mask of emotionless stoicism pass for a moment, that he'd be able to move past this. Let himself feel, breathe, and move on again.

"I'll let Jigano know." He promised, sure that the Guildmaster would want to know where his workers had gone. Did Loren intend to return? Watching the man leave, Sam wasn't sure. He'd never been very good at the 'leaving and never coming back' thing, but that didn't mean it wasn't possible.

Whether Loren did return or not ,Sam hoped he would find some peace.

{fin}

Samuel

Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?

Cold comfort for change?