bottom of the deep blue sea

you should know, that i'm a ticking time bomb

and you're getting close

She stares at him now, and he stares back. It wouldn’t make either of them happy, it wouldn’t help matters any. But, as she claims that it’s something she’s always wanted, he nods to her. He knows that it is something she’s wanted, something he’s never wanted. Maybe once, many years ago. But that was then, and this is now, as he watches her face, seeing her shoulders shrug in offhandedness. “It won’t make me miserable. I won’t be happy, but we both won’t be happy about it, would we?” He asks, head tilting enough that his golden earrings shift with the light.

“Feels no different than an arranged marriage like back home. You’d get my name and my protection because of that.” He considers her carefully, inhaling deeply through his nose before puffing out a sigh. “But if you really want to do this, it won’t change how I’m living my life right now or who I am now.” He scans her face, waiting for a flicker of something. He won’t change the way he’s living despite a ring on his finger. They’re not the same as they were, and where it might have once worked, it likely won’t now. “Marriage only in name and paper. Those are my terms.” If she wants this, he won’t change. He’ll give her his name and a ring if it makes her happy, but he'll remain the same.

so better watch your step, because i'm about to blow

and where the pieces land i guess we'll never know

SuNJATA

Phoebe I know I am good at something, I just haven't found it yet ”How would I not be happy about getting what I always wanted?” she said back with ease. But despite the snippy nature of her quip, it lacked the emotion to give it punch. Her emotion simply was not on display, not available to him, even as she poked holes in his argument that she would somehow be as unhappy as him (even if his argument was valid and true. It should have stung, him comparing it to an arranged marriage. But the comment rolled off her as if she had not heard it. Rather she didn’t care. Let him throw a fit now, let him act like he had some upper hand. In reality, he had simply not foreseen how far she had fallen, how little she valued herself and her existence, to be willing to commit to a loveless, cheerless marriage if only to secure a person in her life for whatever short time fate was liable to give her. Her head tilted at him slightly, as he tried to negotiate terms. Slowly she shook her head. ”You offered me whatever I want. I said I want to get married – and you knew the stipulations that comes with in my mind when you agreed. You can’t change the terms now, unless you want to go back on your word and say you never intended to do whatever I wished, that it was just hollow words.” she said simply, tone soft but dry. He didn’t have to love her. That had never been part of the offer. But marriage was the ultimate sign of exclusivity and commitment. He couldn’t pretend that had not been part of the deal. You don't get terms when you offer someone whatever they want.

you should know, that i'm a ticking time bomb

and you're getting close

She doesn’t fight back at first, and he watches her while he gives his terms. No face shift, no adjustment to the words that are leaving him as the float in the air between them. And when she does speak, his steel gaze lingers on her pale face while he leans back into his seat, a snort leaving him at the shift – at what she’s asking of him. “The stipulations on your end that I knew beforehand were you wanting a child.” He rumbles, but when it comes to the other part? That’s not how it worked in Korofi. Not in arranged marriages anyway. He imagines it’s the same everywhere, with consorts of a sort. Surely Phoebe should know that nobles didn’t quite play by the same rules.

“But commitment? That’s where our ideas of marriage differ, Phoebe.” He begins, leaning forward slightly. Had it been a marriage different from the rules of the arrangement, it might have been different. But for him? It was nothing short of strategic, political, at giving her something she could use, fall back on. “It’s not part of the deal if we arrange it this way.” He rubs his hand alogn the bite mark on his wrist once more as he considers her again. “You can sleep with whomever you want. I can even give you a child. But I won't promise you that I'll be one hundred percent faithful.” That’s all he can offer. “That is how we make it work if you really want this.” He'll do it, but ultimately it's her decision. And as it's happened, they're again not the same as they once were.

Perhaps it's the blight, perhaps it's what the two of them have done together during the blight, perhaps it's the freedom he has now that makes him want no leash. He's done being manipulated.

so better watch your step, because i'm about to blow

and where the pieces land i guess we'll never know

SuNJATA

Phoebe I know I am good at something, I just haven't found it yet "I am a commonwoman, Jata, nor am I from Korofi. If you didn't consider what that meant when you agreed, that's on you." she said with a shrug. It was his oversight really. Sure, nobles kept consorts and had grand affairs and so on. But commonfolk? Not nearly so often. It wasn't so broadly accepted as a reality. And to assume that her world had been just the same as his...well...a tragic miscalculation. "You said whatever I want, did you not?" she said, crossing her arms around her waist. "It is not arranged, you agreed to give it of your own will. It isn't about us making it work, it is about you making it work because you agreed to give me what I want. No amount of twisting of words and ideas and ideals will get you out of that. You've said before that I can trust you, that you care for me - prove it by being true to your offer." she said softly, lacking any force as she laid out the facts infront of him.

you should know, that i'm a ticking time bomb

and you're getting close

“There were no terms listed. You simply asked me to marry you.” He replies indifferently, steel eyes lingering on her. Sure, she was common, sure things were different for her. But as she tried to get him to get away from agreeing, by mentioning he’d be miserable? Well, that was certainly one way. But it wouldn’t make for a marriage with happiness. “Now whether that has hidden terms on your end that weren’t aired before I aired mine, isn’t part of it.” He also shrugs, leaning back in the chair and running a hand through his hair once again, snagging on the edge of a horn as his frustration keeps them there.

“I did say that. And I’m proving it to you that I mean it.” He’s not going back on it unless she backs out. Now if it’s because of the terms she sets, is on her. He’s laid his out. “I am being honest with you by telling you what to expect. I told you what I can give you.” His hand drops to his lap as his gaze returns to her. “These are my terms out in the open. All of them. Now, if you think it is what you want, then I’ll marry you.” And he will, if she agrees. “You don’t want me miserable, and a marriage is what you want. This is it.”

so better watch your step, because i'm about to blow

and where the pieces land i guess we'll never know

SuNJATA

Phoebe I know I am good at something, I just haven't found it yet She stared at him, blank faced, the Phoebe he knew still hidden far, far away somewhere well beyond his reach. Perhaps she was there, somewhere, silently screaming to regain control, to seek forgiveness, to pull away from this marriage that went against every fiber and cell that made up her person. Or perhaps, that Phoebe had perished beneath the weight of memory mud monsters, ice walls, and three dead children. "You can give me exactly what it is I have asked for, you're simply being selfish and cowardly now that I'm not afraid of spending my days miserable." she said directly, but with no malice or judgement in her tone. An observation from her point of view was all it was. "So we can both be miserable, since we are so alike as you pointed out initially. You will be stuck with me in the marriage and with a commitment you never wanted, and I can be miserable being married to a man who hates me." she said with a shrug, looking back down at her work. "I will see you at the alter, Sunjata."

you should know, that i'm a ticking time bomb

and you're getting close

Her voice is flat as she tells him he’s being selfish. And he snorts to that, because he’s not. As for cowardly? He’s opened his terms, he’s willing to do it for her. But when it comes down to it, it’s her own preconceived thoughts that seem to have her intent on making it miserable for the both of them, when they should be working towards making it better. His protection, his name, should be enough. But now? He can’t help the slight laugh that leaves him at the mention of both being miserable and so alike.

He doesn’t think he wants to hate her, but she’s making it very easy right now.

And when she goes to dismiss him, that’s when he shakes his head. “This conversation’s not over yet.” He says, going to stand and block her view of her work table, leaning into her space. “So let me get this straight, your idea of what you want that you think will help you, is a loveless marriage simply because it’s a marriage?” He asks, ensuring he’s getting it all right. If that’s the case, if that’s what she wants out of it, she’ll be sorely surprised when it’s exactly as it is. “You and I could never compromise well, could we?” He hums, leaning down to her, to be more eye level with her. “Now is the chance to.” That what he does in his own time is none of her concern, that what she does in her own time is none of his concern.

He can agree to that.

so better watch your step, because i'm about to blow

and where the pieces land i guess we'll never know

SuNJATA

Phoebe I know I am good at something, I just haven't found it yet She listened in silence, looking at him but not at the same time, seeming far and away. She imagined Frey's realm, bright and warm and comforting, ever shifting as the god did. Overwhelmingly pleasant and unreal. Reality was so disappointing, and though she could not truly live where Frey resided forever until the day Ludo came to take her to Mort, she could exist there in her mind. Her imagination was a powerful thing, Frey had said, and as always, they were right. Her head slowly shook as he finally fell silent. "What I want to help me is a loveless marriage because I will not be alone." she said softly, some clarity returning to her eyes for the briefest of moments, pulled from Frey's fantasy realm. "If you are off with other women, then I am still alone, with my misery, and hate, and mourning. I don't want marriage for name or protection, I want it for presence" she said quietly, gaze slipping away again as images of bright green his and warm pink breezes came to life behind her eyes, far and away from Jata.

you should know, that i'm a ticking time bomb

and you're getting close

He watches as he lists it out, watches as she shakes her head and yet her gaze is far and away. And with it, the real reason for a marriage. To not be alone – and isn’t that why he spent so much of his time with others, too? His jaw clenches, and he tries to find the middle ground with it as she gives him the only reason. And he sighs, but he understands. And wishes she had said that first. “I still wouldn’t be here all hours of the day for you. Between my work and yours.” He rumbles, a hand waving in his uncertainty.

“I have the bar, you have the college, I’m not sure how much time we even would get together. Unless it’s just me crawling into bed some time in the early morning just to be there for you.” He shakes his head. “But among the bar I have other work that require my attention.” Gods, he hates it when she gets like this – that far away look in her eye. “And what am I to do if it takes me to the Greatwood or Halo? Take you with me with all your work here? I can't do that.” He feels like they’re reasonable questions.

He sighs, reaching up to pinch the bridge of his nose. “If it’s truly what you want, then I’ll keep my activities to work. How’s that for compromise?”

so better watch your step, because i'm about to blow

and where the pieces land i guess we'll never know

SuNJATA

Phoebe I know I am good at something, I just haven't found it yet Phoebe shook her head slowly again. "Presence isn't about physical presence all the time. It is knowing someone is there for you always, whether around or not." she said, gazing passed him rather than at him. It was the trust in the other person. It was knowing you were a priority - whether it made you happy or not was moot. It was about mattering to someone, anyone. It didn't have to be because of love. It didn't have to be because you liked them. It was better and made it easier if that was the case, but those were additional. Someone could matter to you simply because they did. It simply was. "Perhaps instead of trying to compromise with me, you should stop saying you will give me what I want." she said, shrugging a bit. "You've no intention of doing so. Just like everyone else. So why are you here, if doing whatever you can to help is not really what you wanted to do?"

you should know, that i'm a ticking time bomb

and you're getting close

He listens, watching her shake her head, and describe to him exactly what he’s done for her time and time again. He’d been there for her. He’d planted roses for her. He’d let her out of the prison when Remi had placed her there because of the blight. He’d been there when she needed someone after Roana died and she had taken care of the boys. He had been there for her when she’d called his name when the mud monster attacked. He had come today for her. And it’s not enough, not enough because he won’t remain faithful with her alone.

But she’s wrong when she says he has no intention of doing it. He’d said yes. He’d agreed. He clenches his jaw as he looks to her, feathers sprouting along his neck and shoulders, filling in the navy tattoos with real plumage. “You don’t get to pretend like it’s all on me.” He finally says, temper wavering with the results of their conversation. “I said yes, I said I’d be willing. I even said I could give you a child - all of these things, mind you, I don't want and you know this, still ask them of me and expect them of me - and yet you sit here and pretend as though it’s not enough when I’ve done so much more than I ever should have for you, because of you.” Perhaps it’s a bit of a snap, but he can’t just pretend like he’s done nothing, like he’s selfish.

“I gave you my terms, and you won’t accept them because of spite? Because you can’t find a way to make it work and be less miserable?” His head cocks, teeth flashing somewhat with the words he points toward her, his canines slightly elongated similarly to his panther form as the frustration takes over, and he laughs, leaning toward her. “At least I’m being honest about my intentions.”

so better watch your step, because i'm about to blow

and where the pieces land i guess we'll never know

SuNJATA

Phoebe I know I am good at something, I just haven't found it yet She sat there, silent, as he berated her, eyes focused on the floor somewhere just beyond the table. Inside she hid away, safely enrobed in Frey's warmth, basking in the glory of their imagined presence. It was so easy to pretend she was worthy of their ardor and comfort and attention, when they were the only one in all of Caido who had never wavered in their support of her, never expecting more or less of her than exactly what she was at any given moment. "You're right. You are the better person." she said quietly, conceding because she had no energy to carry on. She had no desire to contiue to defend herself when she knew she was not worth defending. "I don't expect anything from you. I don't expect anything from anyone anymore. I am worthless compared to others you know. My worth stopped the second Lusea stepped foot into Caido and I should stop hoping it will return." she said hardly above a whisper, voice monotonous. "Life has made clear I do not even deserve happiness. I will get better at stopping myself from seeking it." she said, still looking anywhere but at him.

you should know, that i'm a ticking time bomb

and you're getting close

He shakes his head when she tells him that he’s the better person, a huff of surprise? Shock? Leaving him as he looks to her. It’s not about being a better person, it’s about compromising to make it work if it’s what she wants. It’s about him keeping to his word. Only when she finishes speaking does he rub at his temple, pinch at the bridge of his nose, exhaling to calm down, teeth returning to normal and feathers slipping back under his skin – but the horns remain.

“Did it?” He asks her, voice rough and gravely. “Did it stop when Lusea returned? Because I always ended up back here with you one way or another.” When he shouldn’t have, when he shouldn’t have cheated on her, when he should’ve kept his word and kept his distance from her – but he’d never been good at it. “I told you I changed, but it’s clear that you don’t want that…” He pulls his hand away from his face, feeling so eerily similar to how he’d felt back in Korofi – back when it had been rare for him to have a choice, to have options to thrive and adjust.

“You want me to be the same. But we’re not, are we? We’ve both changed, we’ve lost people.” He rumbles, shaking his head hard enough to shake the earrings in his ears. “If it’s a loveless marriage that you want so you won’t be alone, then fine. I’ll give you that.” A deep part of him grows spiteful toward it, a small amount of resentment burning in his gut. “Don’t be upset when it’s not everything you hoped it’d be.” He clenches his jaw, stepping away from the desk, from her space to go stand before one of the windows and look out at the street.

so better watch your step, because i'm about to blow

and where the pieces land i guess we'll never know

SuNJATA

Phoebe I know I am good at something, I just haven't found it yet She should have cared how he felt. She should have cared how it upset him to be cornered like this, just how he had been cornered in Korofi time and time again. But she didn't. Whether it was her empathy for him that had died, or simply lacking the will to fare anymore was anyone's guess. "You did always come back to me. It's almost like you didn't want to admit to yourself that you loved me, because it would mean loving Lusea less, and yet your subconscious always brought you back to my door." she said, a mirthless half laugh parting her lips. "But I know better than to wish for such things anymore. Brown eyes glanced up at him finally as he stepped away. "Why would I be upset? You've made very clear where your heart stands, how little you wish to fulfill your words despite doing so. I won't expect anything more than your faithfulness." she said with a bit of a shrug.