From being an Abandoned who had rarely left the Hollowed Grounds, to embracing the call of adventure, to dying and being reborn first as an Ascended and then as an Ancient, Maea has gone through quite the amount of changes in her life. One thing remains common, though, in her attempts to find out just where she belongs; she’s always had a craving for knowledge which has brought her to so many places and to meet so many people here in Caido. We can’t wait to see what else is in store for her!
Congratulations, Maea!
Credits
Court of the Fallen was created in October of 2018 by Odd, Honey, and Crooked.
Skinning and hosting by the epically talented Kaons, and functionality fanciness by the coding magic of Neowulf. If you ever see either of them around, make sure to show them some love!
Loren kept flying on his own. I don’t have favorites, either foods or colors. I try not to drink, but I suppose I prefer wine. I’m not really big into games, and I rarely sleep. He paused to let that all sink in. How about you? There was little real curiosity in the question.
That changed when Jigano revealed he might know where Remi was. The summoner immediately turned to look at the dragon as best the Launceleyn could midair. How? There was a great deal of urgency behind the single word, though even he couldn't say how he felt about the prospect of seeing the alchemist again.
Though deep down Loren knew he needed to do everything he could to find Remi.
Thankfully, the discussion of the bard's partner proved a welcome distraction. How much farther? And how long?
What about foods you dislike, then? the dragon asked, trying to find some more common ground to build from, or something that he could do to improve Loren's day at some point when they were back in the Grounds again. Do you sing or play any instruments? He asked as well before humming thoughtfully at the return queries, however disinterested the mage sounded. I like roasted chicken or pheasant, with mushrooms and a fair pat of butter. My favorite color is dark blue, and I prefer cards to dice. I've always been a nightowl, but living on the farm is turning me into an early riser.
Remi's name was like a switch being flicked, Loren's interest sharpening like a blade along the Attuned bond, and Jigano rumbled thoughtfully, turning the spark of an idea around in his mind. Did he tell you about being a Portal Guardian? Jigano asked in return, wondering how much Loren knew, and how much he would need to explain for the spheres to make sense.
Jigano settled into an easy glide behind his friend, his heart warmed by thought of his mate, but there was a sadness to that warmth as he considered Rory's unhappiness and frustration with the world. I don't know, he answered, voice quiet and wistful. That is something you'd have to ask him.
Loren didn’t respond to Jigano’s question for a long time. Growing up, when I was actually given food, it was bread and water, or whatever I could bring down by myself. So I’ll eat anything. Not even bothering to hide the sorrow and terror that rose up at any mention of the summoner’s childhood, he kept flying steadily towards the Fangs. No and no. I know for a fact you do. Remind me what instruments you play? He glanced over at the bard. Living on a farm will do that.
The Launceleyn’s curiosity had been piqued, but he couldn't sustain interest in much of anything for long these days. So it faded somewhat. He told me, but not any details. The pain peaking about those last few conversations with Remi sliced through Loren like a knife. Maybe that was why he simply pulsed acceptance and acknowledgement towards the white-haired man when he mentioned the summoner would have to ask Rory in person.
He wanted to press further, to tease out some little tidbit of information of this that made Loren happy, even if it was as small as one of Amalia's fruit tarts - or as recently discovered as grilled magna vermis on a stick. Given Loren's lack of enthusiasm and the heaviness of the conversation Jigano decided to leave it be until another day, one after they'd had time to recover a bit more from the battering their hearts and souls had taken at Fiat Lux. He simply sent empathy and the warmth of his friendship to press back against old grief and fears from a dark childhood they couldn't change, glad that Loren had escaped that life, even if his present currently felt bleak for different reasons. Flute and lap-harp, mostly, though I can also drum with sticks or hands. I used to play mandolin, but lost it in my arrival here. He felt a brief pang of nostalgia for the lost instrument, but it was mild indeed. What drew you to Abasi? he asked, perhaps throwing a curveball into the conversation, as much to try and find something good in Loren's life for the goose to focus on as anything else.
A rumble of acknowledgment came through both the bond and from the dragon's chest as he dropped altitude to glance at something dark on the ice, but it was naught but a strangely shaped rock, and he pumped his wings to regain altitude again. It's a task with few benefits, he admitted with a faint sigh through the bond. But... one thing we were given is a small orb. Something that's attuned to us, and lets us see the state of new portals... and also each other. We can't use it to communicate or anything like that, but we can sort of... sense each other. Generally where someone is, or at least their direction. And I think... whether or not they're alive. We just hadn't needed to test it before. That had changed, though, and if there was any time for it, it was now - or at least, once they had landed and made it back to the warmth of the Hollowed Grounds, so chilled fingers didn't drop the precious sphere.
That’s very impressive, though I’m sorry to hear about the mandolin. Would you like to get a replacement? However, the question about Abasi caught Loren entirely off guard. He didn't respond for a long while. I don't know, really. Proximity? Flattery? He told me I was handsome, and kind. And that all I needed to do was be honest with him. There was more than a bit of guilt in the summoner's mind as he tried to express how his relationship had developed to Jigano.
As the bard explained how the spheres worked, the Launceleyn peered at the rock below as well. Then something started moving below, and he dipped briefly. It was an Ursur, and he immediately climbed back to his previous altitude. It's definitely worth a shot. However, fear spiked through Loren.
Someday, yes. If things ever calm down enough for me to go back to practicing, he admitted, tone a little wistful. They both knew how unlikely it was for things to calm down. Ever since the barrier had fallen it had felt like they were rushing from one catastrophe to the next, with never more than a week or three in between to recover and simply live. They were always preparing for something awful or cleaning up the remains of something else that had gone wrong. He could understand Loren's exhaustion and desire to leave it all behind...
But he also remembered the guilt and misery they had both felt when they'd returned from their illnesses to discover how much of the world had moved past without them. His had only been for a few short weeks, too. He knew Loren's frustration had to be so much worse for missing entire seasons.
But at least he had found someone to be with, to help him move past Remi - romantically at least - and to bring him some sense of joy? Except there was little of joy in Loren's tone, and far more ambivalence than Jigano would have expected from someone who cared so fiercely for the alchemist even after the relationship was long-since ended. Does he make you happy? the dragon asked softly, uncertain what the answer would be when there was so much guilt flavoring the mental link.
He watched the goose angle down, curiosity piqued, but at the sight of the ursur he rumbled a warning at it and kept flying as Loren rejoined him, considering the hope the sphere represented. We'll try it, then. It felt strange, being the one with the connection to Remi when he and the alchemist had only just begun to build a fragile friendship between them, while others who had known the alchemist longer and far more intimately, did not. The gods truly could be cruel at times, even without meaning to, and he sent a pulse of reassurance to his feathered friend. What is it? he asked softly again of the fear he felt from the other man, having a guess as to why, but wanting to make sure he wasn't misunderstanding.
Why not start now? While Loren understood Jigano's reluctance and hesitance, the summoner couldn't imagine there'd ever be a good time. Even if it's a little bit at first, that has to add up eventually. Then he sent the mental equivalent of a tired shrug to the bard. You're the music expert though.
That question should've been easy for the Launceleyn to answer, but somehow it wasn't. Finally, he sighed in his mind. I'm not sure anything makes me happy these days. But...yes. He does make me happy. The guilt welled up further. But we're very different people, from literally different worlds. And he doesn't...he doesn't know who I am. Not really. Where I've come from or what I've been through. Those thoughts were filled with sorrow.
The next question wasn't any easier to respond to. Because...this will have changed Remi and Ronin. And our relationship was already so fraught. I can't imagine they'll ever want to be friends with me again. Not either of them. Loren's resignation was apparent.
He was far too glad to hear Loren express a little interest in something to turn it down, so instead he rumbled agreement. You have something there, he admitted ruefully. I'm a little out of practice but I should pick it up again quickly enough. Now I guess I just need to find one, or find someone to make one. There hasn't been a lutier in the Hollowed Grounds since I arrived who could manage it. Finding someone familiar enough with the instrument to make one from either wood or magic had been the original problem, before the world had thrown more weight on his shoulders than he could carry alone.
The dragon had been a little afraid that Loren did not enjoy Abasi's company anymore, either because of Fiat Lux's tragedies or some personal division between them. He was relieved to hear otherwise and shared a ripple of encouragement with his friend as they flew. Will you give him time to learn? he asked gently of all the things Abasi didn't know - yet. But that wasn't the mortician's fault, and it was something they could change, if Loren was willing to talk to his boyfriend about his past.
Admittedly, a past that was dark and filled with terrors, but how else could Abasi know?
Silver wings stroked forward, towards the mountains that were looming closer with every snowy mile crossed. From what I saw of Ronin... I don't think he'll want to be friends with anyone again. Not for a long while, Jigano thought softly. But 'ever' is a long time. I agree, our friendships with them will never go back to being what they once were, but that doesn't mean we can't forge something new with the men that they've become. Or that we've become, he added with care, considering that the Festival had changed them all in ways that they would be facing for years to come.
Loren sent a pulse of agreement and understanding towards Jigano. It might be worth checking in Halo. Or with the Fae, if you’re close enough with any of them. It was a weak suggestion.
At least the summoner’s response about Abasi was swift and without hesitation. Of course. Now the Launceleyn hesitation, worry and guilt gnawing at him. But he values honesty above all else, and I’m afraid he’ll feel I’ve been keeping things from him.
For a long while, the goose was silent, wings pumping, searching the ice and snow below for anything to distract him from his troubled thoughts. Finally, he sighed (mentally, of course). I’m so tired of trying to make these friendships work, and only getting hurt and causing pain for my efforts. His exhaustion and sorrow rose up again, nearly overwhelming him.
I hadn't thought to ask the Fae, he mused thoughtfully. But... yes, Tarasha is a friend, and perhaps they would know. Or Jiao. He hadn't seen the latter in ages, but she might well know someone who knew something about instruments. The dragon sent his thanks through the bond for the suggestion. Halo was both more and less likely to provide someone with the knowledge. Humans did so love to make music to brighten long winter nights, but the bitter cold here would be hell on any instrument, especially stringed ones with soundboxes.
Loren's swift response to letting Abasi learn more about him was reassuring, and Jigano hummed a soft encouragement that might have been lost in the wind of their passage. To be safe, he pulsed it along the bond as well to help bolster his friend's uncertainty. Some things are difficult to talk about, he thought gently. They take time to gain the courage to face, and to find the words to describe them. And it is not as if you could have spilled your entire life story to him all at once the day you decided you were a pair. There is likely much he has not shared with you, as well, about himself. I think it would be enough to tell him that you have parts of your past that you wish to share, but ask that he gives you time to come to terms with them yourself, and you will tell him when you're ready. If Abasi respected and cared for Loren as the Launceleyn seemed to for the mortician, a little patience was a small thing to ask.
The sorrow in the goose's voice was impossible to ignore, especially when Jigano was hardly free of sin in that regard. He had walked away from his friends and friendships and attempted to close himself off from others for five miserable years before Caido had shaken him up enough to knock down some of those walls. Still, no one had been able to talk him out of it back then, either. He let the silence settle between them for a few minutes before he said, softly. If you go... if you withdraw from the world like that... I would miss you. It might not mean much to the Launceleyn in his current state of deep depression, but his friendship was all he had left to offer in the face of such despair.
Jigano's suggestion was a good one, but Loren felt his discomfort grow. Or I could lay it all bare at once, tell him everything, and let him decide if I am the sort of person he wants to be with. Again, he was almost weary resigned to Abasi leaving.
But the summoner owed the undertaker the truth.
Spotting movement and light, the Launceleyn saw a herd of luxere picking their way through the snow below. It proved a welcome distraction from his dark thoughts. I'm not going to...I'll be around. I'm not going to disappear like I did before. But...I'd like things to be easy for me for a while. I'd like to not have to constantly second guess myself, and have others do the same. I don't need more doubts and criticism in my life, not when I do that to myself. It was probably a selfish admission, and he felt guilty for even thinking it. However, it was the truth.
You could, the dragon agreed, for it was indeed another option. From what I've learned from you and Edrei it would be a lot for him to take in all at once... And in your current state of mind I would be worried that part of you might try to intentionally paint a worse picture of yourself, to drive him away. Because it sounds as if your guilt is... well. As though at least some part of you wants to punish yourself for what has happened. Something Jigano was prone to doing, far too often for his own friends's sakes.
Jigano paused his forward motion to circle the herd of luxere, though he didn't try to drop down lower, not wanting to frighten them with his shadow. His larger wings made it easy to catch up to Loren again afterwards as he sent a pulse of agreement through the bond. This was sounding less like an icy withdrawal from the world and more like a bit of a rest that they all sorely needed, and he crooned supportively. I'm glad you'll stay. A break might do you good. Might do us all good, if only the world would give us time to take one, he added wryly. But I'd like to help, if there's something I can do. If you just want a friendly ear, or someone to drink tea with on a quiet evening while I catch up the Guild Chronicles.
So? Loren's ongoing despair might've been making him reckless, but he was genuinely confused and tired. It's going to be a lot no matter what. And Abasi deserves to see me at my worst. There was probably a little too much certainty in the summoner's mind about that.
It was pleasant to watch the herd below. The weak, young, and elderly were at the center, and the stags stood at the outside, proud and watchful. He let the sight wash over him, steadying his unsettled nerves. I don't know what I want or need, besides some peace and quiet. He flew on in silence for a long moment. What disaster struck last Longheat?
There is that, Jigano admitted, though his voice was gentle. Rory had seen him at his worst during the Blight and had chosen to let Jigano stay in his life. He hoped that Abasi would also find the strength of heart to look past the pain and darkness to the good man that Loren could be, when his dark moods weren't tearing him apart.
The fact that they measured their seasons as much by catastrophe as by name wasn't lost on Jigano, and the dragon snorted softly in weary amusement - and more than a little resignation. Hmmm. Last Longheat... that would have been the Blight appearing in the Greatwood, and Safrin being struck with it. I was with Amalia and Deimos in the basement of the Spire, trying to save an ancient creature, a Tulmhainar... He sighed, a great gust of chill air as he began to angle downwards towards the peaks that they were rapidly approaching. We failed in that, too. But Amalia called on Safrin for aid, and Safrin responded. She's the one that blasted that hole down through the center of the Spire, but doing so... entering the Spire, where the old gods aren't supposed to go... that's what caused the goddess to become infected with the blight, we think. And not long after, Ronin followed. And then the rest of us. And Loren knew what happened after that, returning on the heels of the blight's emergence and doing what he could to help until the Gods themselves could be stirred to lend a hand.
