From being an Abandoned who had rarely left the Hollowed Grounds, to embracing the call of adventure, to dying and being reborn first as an Ascended and then as an Ancient, Maea has gone through quite the amount of changes in her life. One thing remains common, though, in her attempts to find out just where she belongs; she’s always had a craving for knowledge which has brought her to so many places and to meet so many people here in Caido. We can’t wait to see what else is in store for her!
Congratulations, Maea!
Credits
Court of the Fallen was created in October of 2018 by Odd, Honey, and Crooked.
Skinning and hosting by the epically talented Kaons, and functionality fanciness by the coding magic of Neowulf. If you ever see either of them around, make sure to show them some love!
His silence was damning, and for a moment her emotions threatened to spiral out of control once again. Her hand clenched in his on reflex, anticipating the harsh, cruel words she deserved. But instead, only more compassion and empathy flowed from his lips. She swallowed a hard lump of emotion in her throat, hand trembling slightly as it relaxed. The notion of apologizing to Jata twisted her expression, brows furrowing and nose wrinkling with uncharacteristic anger. "Cheaters don't deserve apologies." she said quietly. It had been the one real thing she had asked of him, and he couldn't even do that.
But success and happiness as a form of revenge? Moving forward and up? It did speak to a little something, a faint memory of Frey saying she could start over whenever she wanted, that what was today didn't need to be tomorrow. "I...I don't know if I can. I don't know where to start. And I'm...I can't do it on my own anymore...I don't...I don't trust myself anymore." she whispered.
Harper hums softly and nods to himself. "Cheating is unforgivable. You seemed upset about wanting someone to be miserable with you, that's all I meant. You don't have to do anything you don't want to or that you think he doesn't deserve." Many people have forgiven cheating, but Harper isn't one of them. He completely understands why Phoebe would draw the line there, even if he wonders if Sunjata would have even been straight forward about his expectations considering he'd kissed someone right before his wedding. It's not his job to investigate both sides right now, though he may be curious enough to do so later. For now, there is only the matter of comforting Phoebe.
"You start from here. One tiny, baby step at a time. You go home, maybe you clean and get a fresh start physically. Maybe you write down some goals or things you enjoy on a piece of paper and keep them somewhere you see it everyday, and try to do them. Maybe you take a break from work, or adventure, or whatever you think will make you feel better. Healing looks different for everybody." At least he has given her a few good options that his therapists have given him in the past. Hopefully one of them will work for her. Surely with a bit of time he can brainstorm more for her if she can't think of any herself. "And you don't have to do it alone. I'm here, and maybe you can connect with Rexanna again, or visit Frey. Maybe we can go out together and try to make new friends. You don't have to take it all on your shoulders alone." Not when he was there and willing to help take the weight off of her, to guide her along a better path. Anything so long as it means seeing her happy.
lord don't let me break this, let me hold you lightly give me arms to pray with instead of ones that hold too tightly
"I'm upset with myself about that." she clarified quietly, eyes casting down. "For doing that...being stupid...not walking away when you showed up at the wedding..." And gave me the one thing I really wanted. It was unspoken, a sentiment he probably didn't realize she felt. But it was true, and she had been a fool. Surely when she saw Frey next they would chide her for her foolishness. Because even now, when she deserved it the least, who appeared to offer comfort and kindness? Harper.
The blonde listened in silence as Harper listed off a great many things she could do, with him and others and even on her own. "Would you come back?" she asked, looking up at him with a pleading gaze, honey brown eyes glazed with tears she could no longer shed. "Would you move back to the clinic?" She didn't deserve it. She was in no position to ask such a thing of him. But she needed him. She did not know why, or how, but he had an uncanny ability to simply know what she needed, and she clung to it with all she had left.
"But it's in the past now," he says gently, squeezing her hand. "Just another regret, in time. It fades. There's no use wasting your energy on dwelling on it." Easier said than done of course, but most of what he has said to her falls within that category regardless. Healing is an act of cleansing, and at times it can be painful and disheartening. All he can do is stay beside her and give what advice and support he can to help get her through it.
Of the things she could ask of him, Harper certainly wasn't expecting returning to the clinic to be one of them. "If you want me there," he concedes quietly. "And if you're okay with what people may say, how they may misinterpret things. I don't want to make this any harder on you." Harper could not care less what people say about him, not when he is still so fresh-faced in the Grounds. Phoebe, however, may take the weight of their gossiping and slander. He had moved out to give her the privacy and respect a married woman deserved, but moving back in so soon after the divorce would only bring more attention to her that she didn't need in such a vulnerable state.
lord don't let me break this, let me hold you lightly give me arms to pray with instead of ones that hold too tightly
For the first time in...when?...a small smile curved her lips. "You sound a bit like Frey." she said softly. Frey was ever the advocate for moving forward, not dithering and wasting energy on things that had occurred and instead focusing on what lay ahead. It was much easier said than done, as the midwife was prone to letting things build and build and build rather than fade away.
But the notion that it might bother her that people would talk made her chuckle mirthlessly. "You say that as if people don't talk about me already. Nevermind the role Jata played in everything or the fact that he has likely already been with four or five people by now." she grumbled. No, people talking wouldn't bother her. Not anymore anyways. "And you just...you always say the right things at the right time and I don't even have to ask. You just know somehow and..." she sighed, forcing herself to hold his gaze as much as she wished to shrink away and not see how he reacted. "I was a fool for not leaving that wedding with you. I'm sorry." she said, voice barely a whisper.
"I'll take that as a compliment," he chuckled softly, recalling the deity only briefly from the wedding and wondering if he'd ever get a chance to meet them directly. If there was any truth to the comparisons Phoebe was drawing between them. If she was so fond of the herald then maybe it would be worthwhile to visit their shrine, so long as Safrin didn't get angry with him for it.
"If it doesn't bother you, then I don't mind. I just don't want to make your burdens any heavier. If you need to, the moment you say leave I will." The manor would always be open of course, and if she ever decides she simply needs her space he will pack his things up once again to give it to her. It may seem like he's simply bending to her wishes, but he has lived in so many places already, has no real attachments to buildings that could otherwise be called home. If it helps her, he will be there. Simple as that. "You don't have to apologize to me for that. I told you I'd support you no matter your choice didn't I? It's forgiven." Not that he feels she necessarily needs forgiveness, but if she needs to hear it he'll grant her that blessing any time. He had not been the one hurt by her decision.
lord don't let me break this, let me hold you lightly give me arms to pray with instead of ones that hold too tightly
Her head shook at the notion of telling him to leave, and with suddenness she leaned forward, wrapping her harms around his torso in an effort to convey what she felt. Her words didn't flow like they usually did, she mind couldn't form the sentences necessary to make clear what she meant or thought. It was all just a jumble, too much and too little all at once. "I don't want you to leave again." she said quietly, face pressed to the crook of his neck. When he had left, things had fallen apart. And now that he reappeared, suddenly she felt herself scrambling for his grounding presence.
"Please don't forgive me." she whispered, head shaking ever so slightly. "I was so stupid. You don't...you don't understand." Her voice cracked, emotion welling up, now without any painful outlet to keep it in check as she held him. "You showed up that day and you gave me everything I'd been looking in all the wrong places for. I didn't have to beg you for it. I didn't even have to tell you, you just knew. And I'm so stupid I let you walk away and I stayed with that asshole over a stupid fight for stupid, insane reasons and..." Phoebe's fingers curled into his shirt, tears threatening to fall but not quite making it. "Please don't ever forgive me for that."
When she moves it startles him, grip tightening for a moment before realizing she's coming in for an embrace. Relieved that it's nothing more dire he wraps his arms around her in return, squeezing firmly without chaining her close. Physicality is Harper's first language after all. She is welcome to ask for as much comfort in his arms as he can offer. "I can't say I can live in the clinic forever," he says lightly, trying to lift the mood just a tiny bit without offending her. "But I won't leave. Even if we lived in two different lands I would still be here." Friendship isn't just a thing of convenience. It can be just as challenging to maintain as any romantic relationship. The key is dedication and communication, and Harper has plenty of both.
Her emotions rage forth like waves against a seawall, demanding judgement and cruelty for actions he has never held against her in the first place. "I can't hold that against you. I already forgave you, though there was nothing to forgive." Harper isn't going to lie to her, to proclaim that he will hold her in contempt for her mistake like an axe hanging above her neck. Even if she doesn't desire to hear it, forgiveness is all she'll find from him. "You aren't there anymore. You aren't at that altar, you aren't married to him, you're here. And you can make new choices this time." He runs a hand gently over her hair, a soothing motion to try and slow the falling of her tears. Offering her a life preserver to pull herself upon, if only she will grab it so he can pull her to shore.
lord don't let me break this, let me hold you lightly give me arms to pray with instead of ones that hold too tightly
"You can if I say you can." she mumbled quietly. A tiny, insignificant act of defiance, but one she needed. She wanted to imagine that he wouldn't go, couldn't go, even if reality didn't agree. If only for a short time she could pretend his soothing presence and eager kindness would be with her in perpetuity, perhaps she could find some strength to set her life on a straighter course.
She swallowed a hard lump in her throat as he refused to not forgive her, claiming he already had, that there was nothing to forgive. So she turned her head, eyes narrowed slightly as she tried to search his eyes for a hidden truth. "Did I hurt you that day, by staying?" she asked quietly. If so, there was something much deeper afoot, and more importantly there was something to be forgiven for. The life preserver he offered she clung to with a vengence, resting her head once more upon his shoulder. "I will make different choices this time. I promise." she said, voice hardly more than a whisper.
"Whatever you say princess," he teases quietly. They can turn their eyes away from the distant future for now. Perhaps when the time comes when she needs her space, when she finds someone to make home and hearth with outside of platonic mimicries, she will be stronger. More understanding of why she doesn't really need him, not when she has her own legs beneath her.
Had she hurt him that day? Harper hums low in his chest as he considers it. "Not...directly. I hurt for you because I suspected it was a bad choice, and it hurt that I couldn't help you more. But it wasn't a competition, I couldn't be hurt over you choosing him or something like that." It had never been a choice between Sunjata and Harper. It had always just been pain over losing her to something he knew would hurt her. "So long as you promise for yourself too. I believe in you Phoebe." There was nowhere to go but up from here after all.
lord don't let me break this, let me hold you lightly give me arms to pray with instead of ones that hold too tightly
Princess. Now there was a nickname she couldn't say she had ever had before. She wanted to protest, to say she was as far from a princess as could be...but she liked it at the same time. And so she said nothing.
Instead she focused on his words, his expression. Her own brows furrowed as she shook her head. "You could be upset about that. Having your feelings hurt doesn't have to be logical." she said. But he wanted her to promise for herself, and she hesitated. She wasn't worth such a promise on her own - that she promised at all was only to make up his kindness to him, to try and be worthy of all he had and was doing for her. "I will try." she said quietly, knowing it was a losing battle to try and argue.
"Now who's the one doing the comforting?" Despite the teasing words his tone is soft, understanding that she's right in allowing him to feel hurt however it had gone down. He still won't let himself feel it though. It had been Phoebe's choice, and he'd promised to stand by it no matter which hand she'd taken. When it hadn't been his, well. In some ways he had expected that to happen at the time.
Squeezing her to him one last time before drawing away just a little, he meets her eyes and gives her an encouraging smile. "Trying is all I'll ask of you. And maybe some tea." Delivered with a wink to try and improve her mood. "Think you're ready to stand now?" Both literally and metaphorically it seems. To walk away from this bridge where she has made the choice to get back on her feet instead of laying down to die.
lord don't let me break this, let me hold you lightly give me arms to pray with instead of ones that hold too tightly
She tried to smile, sheepish and shallow, but present still. It isn't a statement that required an answer, merely an attempt to brighten the mood. His good humor in the face of all of this was...refreshing. Comforting. Maybe it was because he hadn't been here long enough to suffer like she had, or, more likely, he was simply far stronger than his easy smile let on.
"I can make tea." she said, automatically. Though, she couldn't do so here, as tempting as it was to simply sit in his embrace. She lifted a hand to wipe at her eyes, drying any potential wetness that threatened to be a full on tear, before nodded. "Yes, I think so." she said softly.
At last they are here at the pinnacle of it all, and after she has dried her eyes he shuffles around to get one knee beneath him, gently taking both her hands and bracing them for her to lean on. Letting her adjust and stand utilizing his own strength. "It's just one foot after the other. And then we can go back to the clinic and have tea." Giving her a goal to focus on, something far away from this barren bridge and the darkness it represents. Ready to help lift and pull her standing as soon as she makes any movement to do so.
lord don't let me break this, let me hold you lightly give me arms to pray with instead of ones that hold too tightly
