From being an Abandoned who had rarely left the Hollowed Grounds, to embracing the call of adventure, to dying and being reborn first as an Ascended and then as an Ancient, Maea has gone through quite the amount of changes in her life. One thing remains common, though, in her attempts to find out just where she belongs; she’s always had a craving for knowledge which has brought her to so many places and to meet so many people here in Caido. We can’t wait to see what else is in store for her!
Congratulations, Maea!
Credits
Court of the Fallen was created in October of 2018 by Odd, Honey, and Crooked.
Skinning and hosting by the epically talented Kaons, and functionality fanciness by the coding magic of Neowulf. If you ever see either of them around, make sure to show them some love!
Loren's question was soft enough that Jigano chose not to answer it. Not least because he couldn't - not for the summoner, at least. That was something the other man would have to determine for himself, hopefully once he'd resurfaced from his cycle of closing himself off, punishing himself, then re-emerging to help others once more until the next tragedy sent him into the downward spiral again.
"Ludo can take your dreams away for a time," the bard suggested carefully, almost hesitantly. "It took mine in payment for a service I asked, but it did keep the nightmares of my first LongNight at bay until I was ready to face them again later. In order to hold your dreams for a time it might request some sort of fee... but if you'd rather not mess with the gods, Phoebe might be able to mix you up a sleeping draught that would knock you out, too?" Not that Loren wouldn't find a way to abuse that, too, in his current state, but perhaps he and the Dean could work together to make something for Loren that would be less harmful to his body... if the summoner would accept it.
It was hard not to let his own hackles rise in response to Loren's tone and deliberate misunderstanding of his words, but he had spoken out of turn, and he forced himself to breathe deeply and stay calm and focused on his friend's pain, pushing his own aside. "No, it's not shocking at all. And I'm sorry, Loren, for letting my jealousy out. It was an unkind thing to say at the best of times, which this most certainly isn't. I meant what I said about you being the most qualified Healer I know. And for what it's worth, I think you're worth far more than your magic."
Tapping the pocket where he'd stashed the flask, Loren smirked. "I'm perfectly capable of mixing up my own sleeping draught. I do study at the Medical College as well." Sighing, he ran a hand through his hair, then let it fall listlessly to his lap. "And I don't like when people mess with my mind. Or gods." It came out quietly, but with a great deal of sorrow.
As Jigano apologized, the healer found himself settling down. "It's fine. I know you didn't mean it. I'm just...not reacting well to anything these days. Sorry." Unsurprisingly, his own tone was far from apologetic, though he'd at least said the words.
"Yes, but I was thinking one that did more healing than harm," the bard pointed out with a wry smile to take any sting from the words. "Or at least, you've given me the feeling that if I asked you for a sleeping potion for myself, it would be a great deal gentler than what you'd mix for yourself. Am I wrong in that?" Perhaps he was reading the summoner incorrectly, after all. For all that Loren was his friend there was a great deal more to learn about him, the sorts of things that only time could reveal. "Though I understand not wanting your mind messed with by anyone, god or mortal." It was something he feared, that he'd find his memories taken or twisted as Remi and Sam had.
Loren's acceptance might not have been the most gracious, but Jigano appreciated the effort, and nodded in thanks at the other man's mostly-an-apology in return. "You've plenty of reason. It's okay." He hesitated, considering how his own grief had often had unexpected consequences. "How is Astra taking things? Isuma misses her... I should bring her to visit sometime so they can play."
"Like I said, I'm capable of mixing any number of sleeping draughts. Whether or not I use them on myself is another story." Sighing again, Loren found himself drumming his fingers on the arm of his chair. Finally, he shot Jigano an unamused look. "No, you're not wrong. What of it?" The healer's tone was low and had more than a bit of an edge.
Nodding when the bard mentioned he was equally concerned about divine intervention, the Launceleyn slapped one arm as one of the bugs that were everywhere in Torchline nibbled on him. Smiling faintly at the mention of Astra, Loren actually looked directly at the white-haired man. "Astra would love to see Isuma, But Astra likes Halo. It's her natural habitat."
Expression and voice faltering, he looked away again. "She's not super happy with me these days, though." Clearly, that bothered him.
Jigano met Loren's belligerence with a wry smile, blue eyes gentle in spite of the challenge. "I can't stop you from tearing yourself apart, Loren, but I can still worry about you and want you to come out the other side of this someday." It was too late to hope that he'd be whole when he did, but broken things could be repaired, and even if he was missing some pieces now, those that had belonged to Abasi and Remi, he could still add new pieces later to build on the foundations of what had come before. A metaphor that Jigano would have been rather proud of if he had believed Loren to be broken, which he didn't. Hurting, mourning, guilty, angry, wounded and hurting, yes, but not broken.
Jigano's Beastmaster ability kept some of the bloodsuckers at bay, but by no means all of them. Still, it was better than nothing - especially when he turned those insects whose minds he was able to influence into guards to chase off their brethren so that they ran interference on the bloodsucking divebombers who sought tasty Outlander juices. It gave him more chance to smile back at Loren, glad to hear that Astra was happy in Halo. "Isuma was born in Deepfrost. I don't know what the natural habitat of gryphons is, here, but she likes the snow. Especially in Longheat she might be able to withstand Halo's cold for awhile. I'll see if I can't smuggle the pair of us back to visit the Infirmary soon. Maybe I can bring you any seeds or seedlings you could use more of from the Hollowed Grounds?" Finding that he hadn't been able to create those plants in Halo or now in Torchline had been frustrating, to say the least.
Loren's admission on Astra's happiness was only to be expected, however, and the bard nodded as he looked back up to the blue sky above. "It's not easy seeing someone you care for going through so much pain."
Loren closed his eyes. "Don't bother. Worrying about me, I mean." Letting out a humorless chuckle, his lips twisted into an ugly caricature of a smile. "I always seem to do just fine." There was a bitter and guilty tone to his voice.
Nodding slowly, he opened his eyes. "Yeah. That'd be good. For both of us. Thanks." Again, his tone was hardly the most grateful, but he did mostly mean it, and hopefully that would come through in the bond if nothing else.
Sighing at Jigano's comment, the healer looked away and rubbed an arm. "I know. But I don't know..." His voice trailed off as he bit his lip.
"Something else we have in common then," Jigano said softly, noting the lack of humor and the not-smile, but responding with a sober sincerity. "Surviving when others don't... even when we might wish it otherwise." Or even when the gods might wish it otherwise. Certain ones among them, at least. Or so it felt some days.
He couldn't stop Loren's downward spiral until the summoner was willing to allow others to help, or to pull himself back out of it, but he could let his friend know that he would be there when that time came. Even if all he could do was help out in small ways until then it was worth it if it eased the other man's mind even a little. "You're welcome. I'll come by soon. If you feel up to it you can send a raven with a list of seedlings you want, or I can surprise you with a grab-bag." Making decisions was a bitch sometimes, and if Loren didn't feel up to it he didn't have to. Even if the seeds Jigano brought were redundant, backups weren't a bad thing to have in Halo.
Loren's rare show of uncertainty over his current course revealed the depth of his connection to Astra, and the bard sent a pulse of quiet understanding through the bond as he glanced at the summoner and then away again. "What sort of things does she like to do?" he asked instead. "Does she have any favorite games or activities that you do together?"
Loren nodded a bit sadly at Jigano's comment. "We sure do." The bitterness and guilt in the healer's mind and voice was almost overwhelming.
Forcing himself to take a deep breath, the healer turned to give the bard a considering and despairing look. "Do you ever wonder why?" For just a moment, the Launceleyn's voice was quiet and sad, a child asking why bad things happened to good people.
As the white-haired man agreed to send seeds, Loren shrugged. "Surprise me, I guess?" Seeing as he'd gotten all the common herbs he needed, anything else would just be nice to have.
However, he hesitated at Jigano's next question. "She likes...the snow. And long walks and runs. She likes exploring. But...most of all, she likes spending time with me. And seeing me happy." The healer's shame nearly choked his voice off.
He winced at the question, for it struck painfully deep into some of his own darkest moments. Swallowing a lump in his throat he could only nod. "Yes... every time I lose another friend or someone who I'm trying to protect gets hurt while I don't... I can't help but wonder: why them and not me?" He had the answers of an Oracle, the ones used to comfort the laypeople who came asking the agents of the divine for answers into the workings of the minds of gods, but in the end they were just guesses... platitudes to ease a mortal mind in a world where the gods had kept a reasonable distance from their worshipers. Caido was an entirely different kettle of fish altogether.
He nodded again at the request for a surprise, mind already making note of some herbals to reference when he got back that might have suggestions for more obscure helpful plants in the Hollowed Grounds woods. Maybe Tarasha would know of some in the Greatwood, too...
But on the matter of companions he could sympathize with both Astra and Loren, and the difficult situation both were in. "What did she think of the ocean, the first time she saw it?" he asked gently, for there was nothing he could say to her desire to see the summoner happy. It might have been something they both wanted, but his grief would have to wend its natural course and until then moments of happiness would be fleeting.
Loren stared at Jigano after the bard responded affirmatively to the healer's question. "Why them and not me, then?" His voice came out in that same softly despairing tone. "Why am I the one left standing, when I keep making mistakes over and over and over again? When I'm not worthy?" He closed his eyes slid his knees up to his chest, suddenly exhausted.
However, he opened them at the white-haired man's inquiry about Astra. The Launceleyn smiled sadly, and hugged his knees. "She loved it." Letting out a huff of humorless laughter, he shook his head a little. "Then she found out that salt water and sand is not the best combination for her fur."
"It's not about worth," Jigano said, wishing more than anything he had a better answer, something to soothe some of the despair from his friend's voice. "If it was, I wouldn't be here now. No... it's just... just chance, I think. The devil in the design." For the most part the gods seemed content to set things in motion and then stand back to watch, neither picking nor choosing who lived and died but simply accepting the results of the world's chaos.
Well. Usually. Then there were people like Ronin and Wessex...
Best not to dwell on the exceptions.
He wished he could have seen the little luxere's first day at the beach. She must have been adorable, playing in the surf and running across the sand. "Sounds like you both found that out," Jigano smiled ruefully at his friend. He could only imagine how long it had taken to brush and wash it all out. "Isuma stayed on my shoulder the whole time; she doesn't like her feathers getting wet. I can't imagine the salt water would have been good for them, either." Bathtime was exciting enough with freshwater and a very tragic looking little kitten beneath all that warm, soft fluff.
Loren let out a disgusted sound. "Clearly." Then he sighed, and ran a hand through his hair. "Sorry. That wasn't fair to you." He gave Jigano an apologetic look.
Then the healer turned to stare at the clouds far above. "So what, I'm just a lucky bastard?" The words came out bitterly. "Sure doesn't feel that way." This time, his voice came out quietly and guiltily once more, spoken more to himself than to the bard.
Smiling a bit at the memory of the almost indignant Astra, the Launceleyn nodded. "We fixed it eventually. And she was glad to get my undivided attention for once." Glancing back at the white-haired man, Loren's smile wavered, but held. "Probably not. Companions seem to be rather indifferent to water in general."
02-18-2020, 07:15 PM (This post was last modified: 02-18-2020, 08:01 PM by Jigano.)
A silver brow arched at the sudden jab, but the swift apology was a reminder that Loren's grief was driving him to say things he might otherwise keep silent. Jigano simply nodded acceptance of the words, appreciating that this time they came across more sincere than the previous ones had. Besides, he could understand the summoner's bitterness at the unfairness of the world, and the bard could only shrug. "I never said what kind of luck we had," he said softly. "Eye of the beholder, and all that, as to whether it's good or bad."
His friend's smile was well worth the wait and the slow shift of the conversation to the companions they loved - and who loved them - so dearly. "Regular grooming is good for me and Isuma, too," he agreed with a returned smile. "I help her preen her wings and she helps me brush my hair." It was more like she patted his hair with her claws and tried to preen it with her beak, but he appreciated the gestures and the love that they carried through the bond. "I do wonder what Jyoti will think of it," he mused on the topic of watery companions. "I've read that whales are creatures of the ocean, but since she swims in the air... I hope Amalia will be able to come see this place, soon."
Sighing, Loren bit his lip at Jigano's comment. "A bad lucky bastard." Letting out a laugh that had no mirth in it, the healer nodded slowly. "That sounds about right." Rubbing a hand against his thigh, he looked at the bard with a broken smile and haunted eyes.
At the mention of Amalia and Jyoti, sadly, the Launceleyn's eyes tightened slightly. "You'd know better than I. I haven't heard anything from her since..." His voice trailed off and his eyes flicked away, and he swallowed uncomfortably. Since Abasi died. The words that were too hard to voice slid quietly through the bond.
Standing up, he turned to face the white-haired man. "On the subject of Astra, I should probably check to make sure she doesn't need grooming again." It was clearly an attempt by Loren to get away from the touchy subject of those so-called friends who hadn't reached out him in the aftermath of his loss, and he hugged his arms to himself. "Thanks for meeting." He nodded carefully at Jigano, before the healer turned to head back down the mountain.
