another one bites the dust
Loren!
Maea Valair
Hollowed Grounds Ambassador / Loreseeker

Age: 29 | Height: 156 cm / 5'1 ft | Race: Ancient | Nationality: Natural | Citizenship: Hollowed Grounds
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#15
Maea
And time it waits for no one
It heals them when you die
She busied herself with the letter. Folded it carefully, placed it back into the pocket; Loren's hand on hers only made her pause briefly in the ministrations. She didn't look up at him. "Then why does it feel like I do? Why does everything feel so pointless if it's not shared with him, why is the world so lackluster and gray when he's not here?" It was true that Maea hadn't needed Sunjata before she met him, but now? How could she go back to who she were, before she realized how much better life felt when you could experience it with another person?

She tried to make herself smile at Loren's words, his offer to be the friend she needed, but it fell away again, all too quickly. If it didn't work? If this couldn't be repaired? If she had indeed lost the Flood, by being too much herself?

"Then... I suppose I will have to keep missing him," she replied hoarsely. "And stay in this gray. I did it before... should be used to it by now."

Gone was the relentless hope and fervor she had wielded on Loren when he was depressed. Her fire had been quite snuffed out, drowned, washed away, leaving behind a hollow, aching husk. There was still some small sliver of hope to cling to, that kept her going. But it was so small, and the hurdles seemed so damn hard to overcome.

"Is it really that bad, that I want him to myself? Am I that smothering, that he has to run away from me, too?"

The flavor of chamomile tea lingered on her tongue, making it very difficult to remember anything about what whiskey and cigarettes tasted like when mingled with ocean salt. Maea threw a vehement glance at the tea in the cup she had set aside, and it froze, turned into a solid clump of flower-induced ice.
And soon you are forgotten
A whisper within a sigh
♦ Violence, magic, thievery is permitted with Maea at all times. DM me if you have any ideas ♦
the Firebrand
Headmaster / Grand Healer

Age: 29 | Height: 5' 11' | Race: Attuned x Abandoned | Nationality: Outlander | Citizenship: Halo
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#16
there's light at the edge of the darkness
Loren sighed, and glanced away from Maea. Although his eyes filled with tears, they refused to fall. "Because you loved him." Shrugging, he wrapped one arm around himself. "Because you started to imagine a future with him, and this has thrown that all into doubt." Closing his eyes, he bit his lip. "Because you miss him, and that hurts." It came out softly, but with a great deal of grief in it.

Opening his eyes, he took a sip of tea, then rubbed them tiredly. "You might be in the grey a while." He finally looked back at her. "But one day, you'll wake up and find it's a little more colorful." Then he pressed his lips together. "Of course, the day after that the grey might be back." He tapped a finger against the edge of his cup.

Shaking his head, he set the tea down and reached for her hand again. "No and no." As she froze the tea, he sighed again. Then he reached out with a whisper of his power and melted it again.
loren


Coding base by Sky!
Maea Valair
Hollowed Grounds Ambassador / Loreseeker

Age: 29 | Height: 156 cm / 5'1 ft | Race: Ancient | Nationality: Natural | Citizenship: Hollowed Grounds
Level: 2 - Strg: 22 - Dext: 22 - Endr: 25 - Luck: 20 - Int:
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#17
Maea
And time it waits for no one
It heals them when you die
His change of tone finally made her glance up again. With a sinking feeling Maea listened to his answers, and felt them reverberate in her, echoing against other things she had loved and lost... Things that were hopelessly gone, where not even a shred of hope remained.

"Loren... I'm sorry," she said, guilt and regret welling up to twist her expression. "I act like it's somehow the end of the world, and yet... Sunjata's still alive, isn't he. I shouldn't... be complaining like this to you." What right did she have, when the person she loved still walked under the same sky? Maybe pissed, maybe unable to forgive her, maybe out of reach forever... but he was still alive, wasn't he?

She turned her hand under his when he reached back for her, turned her palm to meet his and closed her fingers around his hand. Holding it back. Loren's hand was distinctly different from the one she wanted to hold, and it made her rile against the threat of forgetting what that other hand felt like. Big, strong and scarred, fingers calloused yet capable of being so very gentle...

It was a tide of pain that washed over her again and again. Every little thing reminded Maea of Sunjata, of what they had, what they had dreamed about, what they might never be...

"Then... why am I not enough?" Loren melted the ice of the tea again, but Maea still felt cold.
And soon you are forgotten
A whisper within a sigh
♦ Violence, magic, thievery is permitted with Maea at all times. DM me if you have any ideas ♦
the Firebrand
Headmaster / Grand Healer

Age: 29 | Height: 5' 11' | Race: Attuned x Abandoned | Nationality: Outlander | Citizenship: Halo
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#18
there's light at the edge of the darkness
Shaking his head, Loren smiled weakly at Maea, though the expression was sad. "Don't apologize. You have every right to be upset that things are rocky with Sunjata." Squeezing her hand, he let out a huff of laughter that didn't really have much humor behind it. "I'm getting better. Besides, it's not like I'm shy about telling people when I feel they've overstepped their boundaries." Unsurprisingly, he was being self-deprecating.

"Anyway, this is what friends are for, isn't it?" He shrugged, not upset that she was complaining in the slightest. Sipping his tea, he nodded at her.

When she asked why it had fallen apart, though, he pressed his lips together for a moment. Then he sighed. "Don't take this the wrong way but...what if it's not about you?"
loren


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Maea Valair
Hollowed Grounds Ambassador / Loreseeker

Age: 29 | Height: 156 cm / 5'1 ft | Race: Ancient | Nationality: Natural | Citizenship: Hollowed Grounds
Level: 2 - Strg: 22 - Dext: 22 - Endr: 25 - Luck: 20 - Int:
Played by: Chan Offline
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Posts: 3,025 | Total: 5,767
MP: 1897
#19
Maea
And time it waits for no one
It heals them when you die
Every right to feel, maybe, but not to pour it over someone else, who already had burdens enough of their own. Far from making Maea feel better, she just bowed her head and nodded, guilty for accepting his kindness when she really should step back. Get up and leave, go to her room and handle things on her own. The way she was supposed to.

But it was too hard when he threw the friendship word out like that. Leaving would mean she didn't trust him to help, and... and she couldn't stand the thought of even more arguments.

His quiet return question did make her flinch though. Sharply, like it was a blow and not a sentence. Not about her. "Right. No, of course it isn't. It's all about him. His problems and his mistakes, and I only have myself to blame for getting mixed up with any of it. How selfish of me, to think for even a moment that I could have helped or made things better. I only take on his problems to forget about my own, after all. Not like I actually care."

Maea drew back her hand, pushed herself back on the bed, turned her face away. The words were a pained whisper, very much the retort to something said in the arguments... and the hurt look on her face said enough about how deep the remark had cut. Not Loren's, mind, but... it hit a little too hard in the wrong place.
And soon you are forgotten
A whisper within a sigh
♦ Violence, magic, thievery is permitted with Maea at all times. DM me if you have any ideas ♦
the Firebrand
Headmaster / Grand Healer

Age: 29 | Height: 5' 11' | Race: Attuned x Abandoned | Nationality: Outlander | Citizenship: Halo
Level: 11 - Strg: 32 - Dext: 33 - Endr: 35 - Luck: 39 - Int:
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#20
there's light at the edge of the darkness
Sighing as Maea threw his words back in his face, Loren pinched the bridge of his nose. Astra raised her head to give him a concerned look, before staring at the Loreseeker in a way that could only be described as reproachful. "That's not what I meant. Sorry." His voice came out mildly and he lowered his hand.

Reaching out, he gave his luxere companion a reassuring pat before sliding the pale woman's tea closer to Maea. "I take it that my comment was a little too close to something he said to you?" Tone still hesitant, he bit his lip and looked away from her, rubbing a nervous hand against his thigh.
loren


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Maea Valair
Hollowed Grounds Ambassador / Loreseeker

Age: 29 | Height: 156 cm / 5'1 ft | Race: Ancient | Nationality: Natural | Citizenship: Hollowed Grounds
Level: 2 - Strg: 22 - Dext: 22 - Endr: 25 - Luck: 20 - Int:
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Posts: 3,025 | Total: 5,767
MP: 1897
#21
Maea
And time it waits for no one
It heals them when you die
Loren was probably not the right person to try and handle Maea's current crisis. Somewhere, she did know this. Knew that she was throwing stones in a house of glass just about to repair itself, and that a few wrong words thrown in temper from her might undo whatever good she'd managed to do just as quick. But it was hard to be considerate when your head was a mess, and it was rough to try and care about someone else when your heart hurt like a bitch.

And perhaps there was a lesson to learn somewhere in all of that. One she might be able to see and appreciate in a few days, when this storm had settled. But caught in the midst of it?

"'Too caught up in my problems and my thoughts as if they're your fucking problem, when they're not. I never asked you to. I know my flaws and I know I fuck up constantly, but at least I don't try to hide behind pretending to not be selfish when that's all you are.' Is what he told me." She recited the words perfectly, hardly needing to draw on her excellent memorization to repeat them. She even got the accent down, the inflection and where he'd put emphasis... and only the ire was missing, as Maea's tone was dull and toneless, her gaze flat as she stared off at the wall.

"And I suppose he is right... I never asked if he needed help, or wanted it. I just presumed that since he told me so much about the things that pained him, that perhaps he wanted more than just someone to listen. I dared to think there was someone who actually needed me."

And look, she was doing it again, wasn't she. Always centering things around herself. Selfish to the core.
And soon you are forgotten
A whisper within a sigh
♦ Violence, magic, thievery is permitted with Maea at all times. DM me if you have any ideas ♦
the Firebrand
Headmaster / Grand Healer

Age: 29 | Height: 5' 11' | Race: Attuned x Abandoned | Nationality: Outlander | Citizenship: Halo
Level: 11 - Strg: 32 - Dext: 33 - Endr: 35 - Luck: 39 - Int:
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#22
there's light at the edge of the darkness
Rubbing his forehead, Loren sighed at Maea imitated Sunjata. The healer grimaced slightly and took a sip of his tea. "Just because someone you care about said something about you doesn't mean they're right and it doesn't make it true." Tone still soft and soothing, he reached out to lay a gentle hand on her shoulder again.

As she went on, he squeezed her in what he hoped was a reassuring way. "Maybe someone to listen without judgment is all he needed." Shrugging, he released her, curling both hands around his cup. "Hurt people hurt people. And you can't help someone who doesn't want it." He gave her a rueful smile, since he was more than aware that applied to him as well.

Tapping a finger against the cup, he glanced at her mostly untouched tea and raised an eyebrow. "What do you want to do right now?" The question was as hesitant as everything else about him right now.
loren


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Maea Valair
Hollowed Grounds Ambassador / Loreseeker

Age: 29 | Height: 156 cm / 5'1 ft | Race: Ancient | Nationality: Natural | Citizenship: Hollowed Grounds
Level: 2 - Strg: 22 - Dext: 22 - Endr: 25 - Luck: 20 - Int:
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#23
Maea
And time it waits for no one
It heals them when you die
She looked doubtful, but didn't contradict him. It certainly felt like it should be true, when someone who claimed to love you told you things like that. If Sunjata looked at her and only saw selfishness... then... how could he be wrong?

Again the soothing hand on her shoulder. Maea felt it burn against her skin, through the fabric of her clothes, and she wondered if she was the one being cold, or if all men had fire in their veins. Well... not all, she supposed. Amun's hands were quite cool.

"Hopefully... I was able to do that, at least," she sighed. Not wholly without judgement, of course, because what human could ever do that? But she hadn't held anything against Sunjata. Not his dreadful past, nor his present mistakes, or even the guild that allowed him to keep crawling through the shadows and remain the wretched wreck that tortured him so much. "I always listened, and I always stayed. Promised I wouldn't let him push me away, that I wouldn't go anywhere. But now..."

She tilted her head back, eyes closed. Tried to see anything past the swirling black pits of misery.

"Right now? Turn back time, so I can redo that whole awful day. Or at least keep from saying a lot of the things I said, and do what I did. If I'd just kept my mouth shut... But that won't happen, I suppose." Sighing, Maea pulled her knees up to her chest, looking very small and very tired where she sat.  

"So I guess... I want to fix things. Or move past them at least. Try to work things out. I want to be with him, because... I genuinely think we could be good. I just... I don't want to share him, with anyone. But if that's the only way I get to stay with him... the... maybe I'm the one who need to swallow my stupid pride and... stop being a prude. Stop being naive, too, since that's also a thing now...

"I know I should just let go and let him do whatever, but don't want to. The more he tries to back away, the more I want to cling on, and the more I do that, the more he feels trapped. And I... I don't know what he wants. I'm not Lusea, I can't take her place.

"It's just... a fucking mess."


If Loren was hesitant, Maea was lost. She leveled her gaze at him, and it was like an echo of the way he'd stared at her on a rooftop not so very long ago. Dark and haunted and tired, desperate for someone to tell her what to do.

The only difference was that she hadn't given up on life. Not yet, at least. There was still a far way to fall before she came to that point.
And soon you are forgotten
A whisper within a sigh
♦ Violence, magic, thievery is permitted with Maea at all times. DM me if you have any ideas ♦
the Firebrand
Headmaster / Grand Healer

Age: 29 | Height: 5' 11' | Race: Attuned x Abandoned | Nationality: Outlander | Citizenship: Halo
Level: 11 - Strg: 32 - Dext: 33 - Endr: 35 - Luck: 39 - Int:
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#24
there's light at the edge of the darkness
Loren bit his lip. Looking away from Maea, he rubbed his thumb against his palm, expression troubled. ”I know I asked this before, but what if you can’t?” He raised a hand to forestall whatever response she was no doubt about to say. ”I’m not saying you shouldn’t try. But…” His voice trailed off and he swallowed awkwardly. ”You should think about...the worst.” Sighing, he finished his tea and set the empty cup down a little too hard.

Astra continued to snuggle close to the Loreseeker even as she curled in on herself. ”Look I’m hardly the expert on healthy relationships.” Shrugging, he ran a hand through his hair. ”So you know, probably not the best person to ask about any of this.”

Then he spread his arms a bit helplessly. ”But...you told me you wanted to be free. That you’d strive for happiness.” He lowered his hands and rubbed his palms against his thighs nervously. ”Don’t sacrifice your happiness for him. Just because you want him doesn’t mean that he’s...good for you.” He looked away, unable to meet her gaze.
loren


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Maea Valair
Hollowed Grounds Ambassador / Loreseeker

Age: 29 | Height: 156 cm / 5'1 ft | Race: Ancient | Nationality: Natural | Citizenship: Hollowed Grounds
Level: 2 - Strg: 22 - Dext: 22 - Endr: 25 - Luck: 20 - Int:
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#25
Maea
And time it waits for no one
It heals them when you die
She kept looking at him, face still and wary as he responded. Asking questions that made pain flare up in her eyes, reiterating that he wasn't good at this either. Maea snorted softly at that, unable to disagree. And she didn't really know anything about Loren's past histories, aside from a few names dropped.

"The worst... would be to never see him again. To know he grew to hate me, never spoke to me again, and died in some far away place without ever getting a chance to try. To know that the last words we spoke were made in anger." Again the tears, again the wiping away of them; her cheeks felt raw from the angry scrub of her hands, the eyes bruised.

"Thing is, Loren? I never knew what would make me happy. Not really. How do I strive for something when I don't know what it looks like? For a moment, I got to dream about something that was both real and achievable. A house by the sea, together with someone who's a little broken and a little lost, just like me. I could dream that. I could be happy in that." Sniffling, she rubbed her nose. Used the cloth dropped on the bed beside her to wipe at her cheeks, when her sleeves came off damp.

"Now though... I don't know. What is good for me? What do I actually deserve? It feels like everyone has an opinion of that, some kind of vision of who I am and are supposed to be, and no one really listens to what I want. Does it even matter, when I'm not likely to get it, anyway?"

Maea draped her arm around Astra, the little body warm and firm against hers. Shii's mind tangled with hers, offered what mental embrace its presence could not give physically... and yet it wasn't enough.
And soon you are forgotten
A whisper within a sigh
♦ Violence, magic, thievery is permitted with Maea at all times. DM me if you have any ideas ♦
the Firebrand
Headmaster / Grand Healer

Age: 29 | Height: 5' 11' | Race: Attuned x Abandoned | Nationality: Outlander | Citizenship: Halo
Level: 11 - Strg: 32 - Dext: 33 - Endr: 35 - Luck: 39 - Int:
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#26
there's light at the edge of the darkness
Nodding along, Loren gave Maea an understanding look. "Then I guess next time you speak to him, you just have to remain calm." With that, he slid the tea he'd poured earlier closer to her. He also plucked the cloth she'd forgotten up with his telekinesis and held it in the air before her.

"Of course it matters what you want." That, at least, he sounded certain of. However, he sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "What do you want?" Giving her a tentative smile, he leaned forward. "Because I think you can still have that little house by the sea, if that's still what you want."
loren


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Maea Valair
Hollowed Grounds Ambassador / Loreseeker

Age: 29 | Height: 156 cm / 5'1 ft | Race: Ancient | Nationality: Natural | Citizenship: Hollowed Grounds
Level: 2 - Strg: 22 - Dext: 22 - Endr: 25 - Luck: 20 - Int:
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Posts: 3,025 | Total: 5,767
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#27
Maea
And time it waits for no one
It heals them when you die
Remain calm. It sounded so easy, so obvious and doable that she had to laugh, a huffed, desperate sounding thing that was almost genuine. Almost.

"Let's add sober to that, too," Maea replied, "because I get far too honest when I'm drunk. Did you know, there's such a thing as too honest? Never thought telling the truth and saying how much I love someone would send them running for the hills."

Snatching the cloth from the air with her own telekinesis, twisted it into a knot and let it fsll back to the bed with a quiet thump. She could have hurled it across the room, would have loved to, but the tightness between her shoulderblades and the prickling sensation of ice within her veins suggested she was one tantrum away from losing control, from lashing out again; Maea sat on pins and needles, longing desperaterly for something to take it all out on.

When had she become so angry? So violent? Was this really her?

"People rarely ask what I want," she sighed, and tried to breathe through the urge to fling the stupid tea into Loren's face. She didn't want to be calm, or quiet, or sleep. The sigh turned into a cough, another one, that left her gasping for breath at the end.

"That house though? Oh, I'm sure I could have it. He even said he would fix it up for me, a present for when I'm done here. But what's the point if he's not there? In the end it was his dream, and I just borrowed into it. Inserted myself like it was obvious I belonged in it, when clearly he must have been seeing Lusea walk those rooms instead. " Which also hurt.

"I don't have any dreams, beyond him. Without him... I don't see anything beyond finishing up studies here and going back to the Guild. Guess I'll spend my time digging through lore and running errands for the gods, wherever they deign talk to me. Pretend I'm not choking on silence whenever I run out of work to do, that I'm not tired, that I'm not lonely.

"Gods, maybe I should start bedhopping like he does... at least when I'm fucked I don't have to think about anything else."


The way her mouth curled was bitter, angry, sad... Always sad. She was choking on it, piled up like bile in her throat. Foul, tasting like whiskey, smoke and honey wine, too sweet and cloying. If only something would burn, or hurt. Like fangs biting down on her neck, like claws raking down her spine.
And soon you are forgotten
A whisper within a sigh
♦ Violence, magic, thievery is permitted with Maea at all times. DM me if you have any ideas ♦
the Firebrand
Headmaster / Grand Healer

Age: 29 | Height: 5' 11' | Race: Attuned x Abandoned | Nationality: Outlander | Citizenship: Halo
Level: 11 - Strg: 32 - Dext: 33 - Endr: 35 - Luck: 39 - Int:
ASTRA - Mythical - Luxere
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#28
there's light at the edge of the darkness
”I know.” It came out quietly, and Loren gazed at Maea with sad and understanding eyes. ”You don’t have to tell me the dangers of either brutal honesty or alcohol.” He released the cloth as she took it, then sighed as she dumped it and ran a hand through his hair.

Smiling faintly, he reached out to take her hand, gently and not at all insistently. ”Well I’m asking now.” As she coughed, though, he frowned and healed her through their grip, though he had the presence of mind to dampen its glow, leave it undetectable.

As she started speaking again, he rose to his feet. Hesitantly, he sat on the edge of the bed next to her, and slid an arm across her shoulders. Astra grumbled, but moved to the other side of the bed and rested her head on the Loreseeker’s knee. ”If bed hopping is what you want to do, then do it.” Giving her a gentle squeeze, he shifted slightly so he could see her face better.

”You don’t have to pretend to be anything you’re not around me.” Though he spoke softly, there was a firmness in his voice that belied the truth in that statement. Then he hit his lip. ”But you seemed excited at the prospect of being a full time Loreseeker one day. Has that...really changed?”
loren


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