From being an Abandoned who had rarely left the Hollowed Grounds, to embracing the call of adventure, to dying and being reborn first as an Ascended and then as an Ancient, Maea has gone through quite the amount of changes in her life. One thing remains common, though, in her attempts to find out just where she belongs; she’s always had a craving for knowledge which has brought her to so many places and to meet so many people here in Caido. We can’t wait to see what else is in store for her!
Congratulations, Maea!
Credits
Court of the Fallen was created in October of 2018 by Odd, Honey, and Crooked.
Skinning and hosting by the epically talented Kaons, and functionality fanciness by the coding magic of Neowulf. If you ever see either of them around, make sure to show them some love!
It hurts all the more to see her withdraw, and he instinctively wants to do or say whatever he can to fix it. But he can't, not this time. It would be unfair to them both to jump into something that he knows he's not ready for. That he wonders if she is even ready for after all she has so recently been through. He knows how it important it is to be a solitary person, to learn to live on your own and be whole without a partner in your life. Harper isn't sure if she's had time to experience that yet, after Sunjata had hurt her, after he'd had to pull her back from the literal brink. It's not just his own heart that's fragile in this situation.
A wry, bitter laugh escapes him. "I've effectively died many times, I was just brought back by medical intervention. I've been wounded to the point of thinking there's no return. It can make you a bit dramatic, forgive me." The gravity of his words makes the pitiful attempt at a joke fall flat. He gently rubs her fingers, not wanting her to get the wrong idea - which based on her words she already has - and intent on soothing what hurt he can. It's hard when he's the one that caused it. "It has nothing to do with who you are, Phoebe. I want you to know that. I've never lied to you before and I wouldn't start now. This is...my own inadequacy." This? This is entirely on him. This is a weight that will rest forever on his shoulders. Not hers, not if he can help it. Again he squeezes her hands, the burn of tears behind his eyes something he tries hard to ignore as he gently lets their fingers part as she changes the subject.
"Are you sure you want to continue? If it bothers you to be close to me...let me know your boundaries, okay?" Oliver hadn't wanted Harper to hang around after he'd been turned down, and it had been a wound that he's not sure he can handle again. But if that's what she needs, he'll do it.
can you protect me from what i want? the love i let in, it left me so lost
Despite how dark the joke was, a dry, bitter laugh also escaped Phoebe's lips. And for a moment she thought that would be that. They would move on. Forget it ever happened. But he went on and on and his words grated on a nerve buried somewhere deep. Echoes of her past self, her own ways of tearing herself down and apart, now reflected in his words. And despite how embarrassed she was and sad she was...it made her angry to hear him talk about himself like that.
"You could reject me every single day and I would still want to be around you." she said, brows furrowing as she looked up at him, that same steel from before in her gaze. Her fingers curled into fists, knuckles turning white from the force. "You're not inadequate. You aren't saddling my shoulders. You aren't standing in my way or dragging me along. You're..." she sighed, lips pressing together for a moment. "You're the first person to treat me like I had value. Like...I mattered. Like a person. You're...you and there isn't a thing about you I'd change except for whatever this self deprecating loathing whatever it is is because its just not true!" she said with a huff.
She forced herself to pause, shaking her head as she looked at the ground. "I just...I just wish you would think about it. That you'd let me try to give you what you've given me." she said quietly.
Her fervency is definitely unexpected, and halfway through her speech he's still mostly just staring wide-eyed at her. It's a sweet notion, and he appreciates it deeply. Instead he sighs quietly, unsure how to respond, a little overwhelmed by the twists and turns this whole day is taking.
"Well I don't intend to be that mean. And I'd certainly hope you'd want to keep being around me considering we live together." It's another weak joke, but one thats accompanied by a slight tilt to his mouth, a return of the light to his eyes that had temporarily dimmed. "I'm not trying to use it as an excuse, or to be self-deprecating. I'm sorry. But it doesn't erase my worries, the things that I know hold me back." He feels every year of his age in that moment, tired and bone-deep exhausted by his own ineptitude, by his desire to shelter her in her naive youthfulness. "Even if I said to think about it, it would be stringing you along. I want you to be free to find anyone else who may love you, not hanging onto the flimsy idea that I'll consider it." Doesn't she get that? He doesn't know if he'll ever heal, if he'll ever be ready. His heart still aches for his beloved. And he won't hurt yet another person with his hesitation.
can you protect me from what i want? the love i let in, it left me so lost
She stared at him in silence, the fire in her eyes fading away to nothingness. By now the look was likely familiar, the dead sort of way she gazed at the world when she was hurting more than she could handle. Fingers twitched, the urge to grab something, {/i}anything{/i}, to inflict some pain tempting at the back of her mind. But there wasn't anything at the moment, and so instead she stuffed it away.
"You don't get to decide if I am free to find that, Harper, because I have to believe it is out there in the first place." she said, tone having dropped to one of resigned discontent. She swallowed a lump in her throat, still holding his gaze. If he couldn't foresee any possibility, if he couldn't even entertain the notion? Him? The only person to have instinctively known and given her all she really wanted? It just wasn't going to happen.
Harper can't help but withdraw away from the pain he can see on her, as easily read as a book with the training that was unfairly beaten into him. It's a truth he can't escape, a language he can't stop translating so long as his eyes are open. But her response only further emphasizes to him how young she is, and he sighs quietly into the stillness of the cool air, unsure the best way to comfort her.
"It has already happened before, that's all the proof you need. It's okay to be by yourself, to not need someone to complete you, even if at times it can feel lonely." Which is admittedly why Harper is so touchy-feely, so clingy and forward with his love, because he pours all his love into his friends so that he can't be hurt by letting them into his heart in a romantic way. "Even if it may have ended badly, your previous two relationships are proof that people can feel that way about you. Nobody ever wants to hear it, but it takes time. We can't force love." Harper can't either, which is why he's left helpless and without a good answer for her. Because he can't even force it in himself, not even to spare her the pain.
can you protect me from what i want? the love i let in, it left me so lost
Phoebe sighed and shook her head. Just because it had happened before, doesn't mean it would happen again. But again his words grated at a sore spot deep in her heart, and her hands clenched. "I wasn't asking you for love." she said, looking up at him. "I was asking if you'd consider one step forward. You've made clear you won't. You don't have to explain how it all works to me, I'm young, not stupid." she said curtly, lips pressing together in a thin line. She was so tired of people talking down to her, looking down on her.
Without warning she turned away, shoulders square. "So defense."
Harper steels his gaze and tries to find hers, to keep it, knowing what he's going to say is something he needs total honesty from her. "If I said I would think about it, would you feel free enough to find someone else in the interim? I need your honesty Phoebe. Even if you found someone and I came back too late to say yes i am ready, would you be okay with that?" If she wants him to treat her as an adult despite his misgivings about her age, then he will do so. But it doesn't mean the questions - or their answers - will be easy. "And vice versa - if I think on it and decide I don't want to take that step with you, or if I find someone else, will you hold it against me? These are the things I want to protect you from, because your reaction will be my fault in my eyes for having promised you anything, even if it's just thinking about it." It's the best he can offer, and he intends to think hard on his attachment to his beloved, on his own problems, regardless of where this conversation ends.
Shaking his head with a tired sigh he takes a step back. "I'm sorry, but I think that's enough for today. Training should always be done with a clear head." And while he won't speak for her despite what he may assume, his own head is certainly not clear.
can you protect me from what i want? the love i let in, it left me so lost
Phoebe sighed and pressed the heels of her hands into her eyes. Already the fire she had felt before was fading, leaving her with little to no stamina left for this argument. "I can't promise my feelings won't get hurt, just like I can't promise I won't hurt your feelings. That's just life." she said with a sigh. He couldn't have it both ways, nor could she, and she wasn't seeking it either. "But yes, I would still feel free enough to move on if I wished. One step isn't a commitment. A promise to consider it isn't either. It's just...keeping it all out in the open." she said with a sigh. No hiding behind words with double meanings, no pretending about anything.
But he decides that their training is over and her shoulders slump. "I should go start on dinner anyways. I'll see you then." she said quietly, turning on her heel and heading back home.
