Shattered Windows, Broken Locks

Kalt I say goodbye to my weakness, So long to the regret, and now I see the world through diamond eyes.     She looked up at him, her body practically on the verge of collapse, a glassy sheen over her wide eyes. She didn’t immediately look back to him after shaking her head, instead glancing at the closed door. He wanted to know what was going through her mind, what exactly was surging through her thoughts at the realization that Theea was still not only alive, but actually thriving.     ’She’s okay.’ Her voice was small and broken, and Kalt gave her the most gentle smile he had given in a long time. Of course she was okay. She was amazing. She was intelligent, sociable, perky, absolutely beautiful. She was everything someone could hope for in a daughter, and he loved her more than life itself. However, it wasn’t a question; it was a statement, as if answering her own question.     As she clamped a hand over her mouth and leaned into him, Kalt wrapped his arms around her. He pressed his lips to the top of her head, one arm around her shoulders and his fingers of the other hand curling into her hair. His eyes fell closed as his sight blurred, only allowing a single tear to escape of its own prerogative. Regardless of the situation, she always had the power to play the strings of his heart with more expertise than she ever played the piano with, than he ever played the guitar with. When she cried, it took all of his strength not to collapse with her, knowing that he had to be strong for her, be able to hold her as she broke.     He hadn’t seen her break like this in forever. Ashetta always tried to be strong for everyone else, not letting herself crumble no matter what because her family needed her, her enemies needed to be defeated, she couldn’t break. But she could, and now, she did. Kalt held onto her for as long as she needed it, holding her against him with just silent companionship. Just quietly telling her she’s not alone. No matter how alone she might have felt sometimes, never before and certainly never again. He didn’t promise her then, rather making a quiet vow of his own will. Never alone.     He finally reopened his eyes, trusting himself not to break beside her. His fingers brushed over her wet cheek once again, returning to her hair. ”I promised you I would keep her safe,” he whispered to her softly. ”Just because you couldn’t do it alone with someone constantly watching your every move is nothing to be ashamed of.” He kissed the top of her head, lingering for just a moment before taking a slow breath. ”I walked in when Master was holding her. I told him that I’d take care of her, and he watched as I falsely killed her. In reality, I used my magic to lower her heart rate until it was almost nonexistent. I paralyzed her vocal chords and hid her. She’s still struggling with a few sounds because of it, but Ashe...she’s fucking amazing.” He let out a breathy laugh, once again frustrated at the threat of tears spilling over. That time he was able to blink them away, swallow them down to keep himself together for her.

Ashe wept, and Kalt held her. At some point her arms wrapped around his middle, and she held herself to him tightly - maybe too tightly. She was gasping and shaking and clenching her teeth as she held onto him. And he kept a secure hold of her, even as she seemed to entirely collapse in on herself. There was something opening wide in her chest, and she couldn't tell if it was a relief or not - for this part of her to fracture in such a different way.     Kalt kept her together. He was unwavering and immovable, and she wasn’t sure she could hold on any tighter. She didn’t know how long it took for her tears to slow, for her breathing to settle out of the breaking sobs, but soon she was leaning more on him than clinging, her head resting over his heart as he brushed tears from her cheek, softly moved his fingers into her hair. ’I promised you I would keep her safe.’ Ashe let out a shaking breath and turned into him, holding onto the sound of his voice as it hummed from his chest and into her.     She was ashamed. More than ashamed. As much as Ashe tried to figure out where she went wrong… it didn’t matter in the end, did it? No matter how she failed, she did, and the consequences of that had been insurmountable.     He kissed her head and fell silent for a moment, and Ashe made herself take a slow and deep breath with him. She was glad she did as Kalt began to speak again, answering the question she had been too afraid to ask: How? Her grip tightened on him as her heart started racing. He had walked in when Master was holding Theea. She didn’t remember that. She didn’t remember him touching her, even getting near her. Her ears started to ring as she tried to grasp onto what Kalt described, but.. what she remembered was hazy and like looking at the sun for too long.     With a few rapid and plunging breaths that ripped her away from those memories, she focused on what he told her about Theea. As he spoke she was reviewing all the moment she’d recently had with the girl, and with is breath of a laugh came fresh tears rolling down her cheeks… but she smiled, just barely. She’s fucking amazing. Ashe moved her head so her forehead was pressed against Kalt’s chest, breathing in the smell of him before releasing the slow and trembling breath against his skin.     The assassin didn’t move away from Silver Wing, and she tried not to consider the fact that she was allowing herself to use him as a support - between that night terror and this, she was drained before she sun had even fully risen. ”I’m sorry,” she said quietly. She lifted her head to finally look up at him, her brows pulled together. ”I know I never said it before, after -” She broke off, her heart stuttering. Though she had thought it an infinite amount of times, she had never said it to him, not for this. Not during those five weeks they spent together. Not after. ”I’m sorry I lost her. I…”     She trailed off and pressed her lips together before she looked away from him and to the shut door. The longing was palpable, but she was rooted in place. Her voice came out nearly in a whisper, ”Kalt, I can’t...” Theea was right in that room. She had held her hand, she had smeared paint all over Ashe, she had spoken to her.. And she had done something terrible, let her down, and if she had never taken that baby to Kalt’s room that night, if he hadn’t been there to rescue her what Ashe was caught..     The raven-haired girl stepped back - not quite out of his reach, but she looked away from the door and back up to Kalt. ”I can’t do this to her, to either of you,” she said quietly, as if the toddler in the other room would walk out any minute. Her lip trembled with the threat of tears again. ”I fucked up, Kalt, dangerously. I risked both of your lives, lost you both because I was such a selfish, idiot fucking girl - I can’t expose her to that. To me.” Ashetta

Kalt I say goodbye to my weakness, So long to the regret, and now I see the world through diamond eyes.     He didn’t care how long he was holding her, how long her arms were wrapped around him in the hall. His eyes remained closed when she apologized, and it felt as though a piece of him was breaking with every word she uttered. He didn’t care for her apologies, didn’t care that she felt guilty for something that happened years ago. It was in the past, long ago, and her guilt would do none of them any good. Even so, he let her finish. If she needed to apologize, he would let her, but it wasn’t anything he held onto. There had been nothing to forgive in the first place.     Kalt watched her mind working, relatively sure he knew where her thought process was going to lead, but he didn’t jump to any conclusions before she voiced it for herself. Ashetta stepped back from him once she had – mostly – gained her composure back, at least enough to form full sentences.     A gentle smile played at his lips, as he shook his head and reached out to her, tenderly running his hands down her arms. ”Ashe, the only reason she’s alive in the first place is thanks to you” he said quietly. ”She would have died if you hadn’t taken her in. It was an impossible situation, but we made it work. Every moment we breathed in the Guild was risking our lives; that was nothing new. You gave us a real reason, a good reason to risk our lives, and I wouldn’t have traded it for anything. Not then, and certainly not now. She might have another man’s blood, another woman’s blood, in her veins, but I’m her father. And you…” Kalt smiled at her, touching his fingers to her jaw gingerly. ”Ashe, you’re her mother.”     He had a feeling that she would protest, that she wouldn’t believe him, wouldn’t want to believe him, but it was true. Any time Theea asked for stories about her mother, Kalt told her stories about Ashe. The toddler asked about his scars, and he told her that he got them protecting her mother and that her mother had matching ones from protecting the little girl. And fuck, that was true. The scars on Ashe’s back were because of her part in saving Theea’s life, just as a mother would have. She might not have known the toddler well because of the time apart, but that didn’t make her any less her mother.     ”You aren’t doing anyone any favors by leaving, by running,” he whispered to her, casting a glance at the closed door. ”You were a kid when Master caught on, and still, you withstood the punishments and made it through. But you’ve been running ever since the Guild fell. It’s time to grow up and face what you’re afraid of.” Kalt would gently press a kiss to her forehead, before giving her a smile. ”Now, come on. I want you to actually meet her.”

Ashe, you're her mother.    Her knees nearly buckled, and she ripped her eyes away from Kalt as she shook her head heavily. "No," she insisted, her voice thick and trembling. No, no, she wasn't Theea's mother! She couldn't be, Ashe... Ashe was no mother. She never had been, never could be. She had never once even dared think of herself as such a thing - she wasn't worthy of that, she was everything a mother shouldn't be, and fuck, Theea had deserved better. "A mother would not have nearly gotten her killed," she ground out. She was staring at the door again, listening to the sounds of that little girl. Alive. Alive and laughing and healthy and clever and charming -    Every muscle was tense with restraint, using every ounce of willpower not to move. Whether it was to bolt out the door or push back into that bedroom... she wasn't entirely sure. Her eyes flashed back up to Kalt as he spoke like he had read her mind. Time to grow up and face what you're afraid of. Her chest tightened painfully, but she didn't let herself look away from him, not until he leaned forward and brushed his lips softly on her forehead.    He was right. There was no escaping the simple fact: Ashe had been running since the day she left the Keep and walked into the king's throne room with the downfall of the Guild on her tongue. The moment she did not have to face all of those horrors directly anymore, she slammed them shut behind a bolted door in her mind and refused to open it again. Only... it kept trickling out, tricking her, snarling at her, chasing her from sleep.    Reminding her that she was nothing, and no one, and that running was her only viable option.    Ashe furrowed her brow when she felt the tears gathering again, and she looked down to the ground between her and Kalt. She could remember the gentle weight of a sleeping newborn on her chest, empty bottle on a table and her own eyes barely open. That little girl was here. Right here. Her Theea.    She blinked away the tears and tilted her head to look up at Kalt again. "Okay," she murmured, agreeing to see his daughter. A second chance. Is that was this was? A second chance to be around them, to... be apart of their lives, in even a small way. She could truly meet Theea, spend time with the other assassin again, and keep enough distance to avoid ruining them... couldn't she? "Don't tell her who I am," she whispered. "Not yet." Ashetta

Kalt I say goodbye to my weakness, So long to the regret, and now I see the world through diamond eyes.     Her protests had been expected, so Kalt didn’t flinch or look even the slightest bit surprised when Ashetta denied her maternal role in Theea’s life. He wasn’t going to argue with her. For one, it was hopeless. When Ashe had an idea of herself securely in the foremost part of her mind, there was no one who was going to have any hope of genuinely changing that idea without time. For two, he knew that she get over it soon enough with some time spent with the girl.     Kalt watched her blink away the tears in her eyes, and he gave her a silent smile to her agreement. Nodding his head back towards the door, he would slip his arm around her waist and guide her back to the room, opening the door and stepping inside.     He knew that time would be needed for her to comfortable there, in his home and with his daughter, their daughter, whether she was ready to accept it or not. Time was aplenty here, though. There was nothing pressing inward on them, threatening them. They could actually take their time, be open, live. What a strange concept.     The sheets flew upward and slowly floated down to the bed over a toddler unable to stay completely still when she wasn’t rested enough. That was going to bite him in the ass towards bedtime that night, but oh well. He smiled, giving a breathy laugh through his lips. ”She thinks she’s invisible,” he whispered to Ashe with a smirk. ”You gotta jump on her.”     Kalt bounced his brows, and he didn’t take charge of the playful toddler, instead walking over to the opposite side of the bed and leaning against the wall with his eyes on Ashe. He wanted her to be involved in Theea’s life, wanted her to get to know the toddler and wanted the toddler to get to know her mother, regardless of whether or not she knew who Ashe was. In the long run, it was a minor detail at best. Theea didn’t need to know at first. She just needed to feel loved. Knowing that Ashe was her mother wouldn’t change anything in a three-year-old’s mind. Knowing who she enjoyed spending time with and who enjoyed spending time with her was the important part.

Ashe, you're her mother.    It was funny, the way her heart raced wildly in her chest as Kalt opened that door. She had already spoken to Theea, held her hand, had had paint smeared all over her. ’You must be real brave,’ she had said to the little girl. How true that was. No matter what she didn't remember, no matter that Ashe had failed, that Kalt had saved her - for an infant to survive hiding in the Guild.. she had to take a long breath as they entered the room.    The sheet billowed upwards at the kick of little legs beneath, but to Theea's credit, there was no giggle that came from beneath. Ashe glanced still-raw eyes up at Kalt and pulled her brows together with a half smile. Invisible? She watched her - she wanted Kalt move towards the bed, and she fully expected him to make a leap onto that bed to rouse his daughter. Instead, he leaned against the far wall, expectant eyes on her.    He wanted her to… her eyes widened and she looked down at the occasionally moving shape beneath that silk black sheet. She stood there for a long minute, her heart hammering in her chest as she rubbed at the puffiness in her eyes, trying to reason with herself. Maybe she really should go, what right did she have to be apart of Theea's life? Hadn't she forfeit that right when Master opened that door and found them?    But was it fair to expect Theea to understand that? Was it fair for Theea to wonder why her father's friend wouldn't play with her? Ashe took a steadying breath, and she moved to bounce onto the bed dramatically, earning a barely contained giggle from beneath the fluttering sheets. She didn't look at Kalt, but her heart raced with something new and unfamiliar, swelling until she thought it might burst. Her hands thumped down to either side of Theea, and when the little girl tossed the sheet back with a shrill laugh…    Ashe was grinning. [ end ] Ashetta