From being an Abandoned who had rarely left the Hollowed Grounds, to embracing the call of adventure, to dying and being reborn first as an Ascended and then as an Ancient, Maea has gone through quite the amount of changes in her life. One thing remains common, though, in her attempts to find out just where she belongs; she’s always had a craving for knowledge which has brought her to so many places and to meet so many people here in Caido. We can’t wait to see what else is in store for her!
Congratulations, Maea!
Credits
Court of the Fallen was created in October of 2018 by Odd, Honey, and Crooked.
Skinning and hosting by the epically talented Kaons, and functionality fanciness by the coding magic of Neowulf. If you ever see either of them around, make sure to show them some love!
Sam wasn't really sure what he was saying; his mind was just doing it's usual thing of turning his emotions into a muddled mess, words leaving him without much control. He certainly hadn't thought he had implied anything, not anything that would lead to the question Remi had to ask.
"Um." Letting out an awkward laugh as he rubbed the back of his neck, Sam wondered if this was some kind of test: if it was, he didn't know what would be considered a pass or a fail. Chewing on his lip for a moment as he considered it, he imagined what it would look like. If somehow Ronin were not in the picture, if everything could be as uncomplicated as just falling into Remi's arms and having that be it...his immediate thought was yes, he did want that.
But did he want Remi, or did he just not want to be lonely?
"I suppose...it depends how different they were. I'd want you to be able to say you cared about me, for one." He said quietly, trying to think more critically over the whole thing. "But...if you just mean...would I want you, at all...a part of me always will, I suppose. The part that was kept in those memories, but I recently got back."
Thoughts of Loren and complicated conversations (that turned into the dissolution of a friendship), growled in the back of the Alchemist's mind as Sam fell into himself. A far different man from the one who had tried and failed to forge a friendship with the Launceleyn despite the love that lingered between them, this man didn't seem any better suited to find a path forward even if it was his second time around.
"You want that now? Or.." Remi wondered, of being able to say he cared.
Frowning slightly, truly not knowing where the lack of clarity was coming from (Sam's communication or his poor understanding), Remi fell silent as he tried to think through things. "Are you that man, anymore? The one from those memories?" The Alchemist's sea-glass stare turned back to Sam, soft and unthreatening despite being the man who'd shrugged about body-parts only a moment ago.
THE
ALCHEMIST
Table coding by Sky
Speaks with a thick Italian accent.
Force and magic can be used against Remi without permission.
Sam really expected Remi to let the subject drop, to let it awkwardly fizzle out like so many of these kinds of conversations did; when the question came he was alarmed, unsure where any of this was coming from: it almost, if he dared think it, felt like Remi was trying to get him to ask for them to...do something. He wasn't quite sure what.
Of course, with those eyes suddenly looking tender and gentle as they had done at him, it was hard for Sam to think of many reasons to resist, if that were the case. "Well, um. I'd only want it if we were going to have...something...as it stands, you don't have to." He said awkwardly, eyes flicking back to Remi's face to try and gather some understanding of what was happening.
"No. I've said before I'm not. That doesn't mean...I mean..I think the people we were are always inside of us, somewhere. We just build on that, right?" This was the first time Sam had heard himself saying this out loud, but he supposed he agreed with it enough to continue. "But I'm certainly a man who...felt...and feels...a lot for you. I always will; even if you don't."
Remi had gotten quite good at doing all the things that most didn't expect from him. That wasn't to say it was a good thing; in fact, it normally went wrong for him. But so it was that he continued to pick at a thread with dexterous fingers and an uncertain mind about the why's of it all.
Not understanding Sam, though how much of a surprise was that, Remi nodded softly as his eyebrows moved in a million soft gestures as thoughts sparked in his mind. Closing his eyes and running a rough hand over them, Remi sighed as softly as he could, not wanting to sound exasperated.
Letting his hand fall back to the arm of the chair, Remi surveyed the ceiling with stormy eyes for a moment, before looking back to Sam. "The last time I had a conversation even marginally like this...it was with Loren." Colour flushed his cheeks, but it was a shade or several darker than the Alchemist's normal adorable colour. Knowing that Loren and Sam had been intimate made the situation all the more awkward and uncomfortable. "We...couldn't get passed the past. We thought we could care for one another and...just carry on like normal." Sam had heard bits of what had happened from Remi, and probably bits from Loren as well.
"As I'm sure you know, it didn't work out well. And Ianto..." Gods, how close he'd been to running away with the fox. How close he'd been to loving him. "...we can't even really talk now." Swallowing and looking to Sam, Remi offered a rather dismal shrug. "The common thread in all of this is me, so..."
..so I wouldn't, if I were you. I'd stop caring, right now.
THE
ALCHEMIST
Table coding by Sky
Speaks with a thick Italian accent.
Force and magic can be used against Remi without permission.
There was more silence as Remi looked up to the ceiling; Sam wondered, not for the first time, if they'd benefit from some kind of psychic link not unlike that between Ascended, a way to feel each other's intentions and true thoughts: he certainly was not talented in putting them into words.
"I'd like to think we're in a better place than I've heard you and Loren are..." He mumbled, thinking about what he'd heard last, something about Loren committing suicide in front of Remi then faking out; while Sam and Remi had certainly had their tumultuous times, he'd never done that. Ianto he hardly knew about, the man much of a mystery to him other than that he had once been involved with Remi.
When he finally worked out where this thread was going he frowned and shook his head, leaning forward: for a moment he almost reached his hand out to touch Remi's, but Sam held it back. "It's not you. You've had a very hard time of things, Remi. When everything is so off-kilter...it's hard to do things like love, right..? There's other things to consider."
For a moment the Alchemist says nothing. He isn't sure he and Sam are in a better place. The bookmaker has better intentions than the Launceleyn ever did, but that didn't make them any healthier. And Remi? Remi was drawn to poor decisions like a moth to a flame. "Maybe. But...it wasn't just how things ended. It was all that led up to it. The days spent together, talking about our feelings for one another." Closing his eyes against the memories (it didn't help), Remi recalls vividly Loren's arms around him, promising friendship forever. Pulling Remi to him, and then shoving him back away. Promises made and immediately shattered. Eventually, he shrugs, opening his eyes with a weary sort of reluctance.
"You're being far too kind." Remi says, shooting Sam a wry look. "Better men than I have managed to stay kind during hard times. To continue to love." Ronin, for one. "And...I don't see my hard times going away, so.." So it was either him like this, or nothing at all, he thought.
THE
ALCHEMIST
Table coding by Sky
Speaks with a thick Italian accent.
Force and magic can be used against Remi without permission.
"...Do you...regret the time you spent with Loren?" Or me? He wanted to add, but couldn't quite bring himself to voice the words. Still, Sam wondered if Remi believed in the value of negative experience nowadays, given how much his wounds seemed to have affected him. "I...think I regret the time that I spent with him, honestly...possibly more to do with myself than anything he did, though." He wasn't sure if mentioning that was allowed in their somewhat fragile relationship, but Sam had just come to the realisation as he had asked the question.
Well, it was true that others continued to love and give. Sam himself wasn't sure how he could simply decide not to, no matter what happened to him; wanting to care and be cared for was a part of his person. "I...maybe it's naive, but I do still want to believe that being kind to each other will eventually lead to things getting better."
"Once upon a time, there was nothing I regretted." Remi mumbles sadly. He'd once been that optimistic and naive so as to think everything happened for a reason. Now? Now he has no idea. "I..." The Alchemist lets his eyes slip closed, running a finger across him as he sighs. "I've no idea. Nothing about Loren and I was ever healthy, looking back on it." Time spent strung along in Northaven, months lamenting and looking for the Launceleyn when he disappeared. Not to mention that the man who came back was unrecognizable from the one the Alchemist had once known and loved.
Swallowing down the urge to say I told you so, the Alchemist just shrugs. "Loren...has a tendency to make everyone else feel like it was their fault. Even though he constantly acts like he takes the blame." Sam, for all his faults, was a mere ripple in a pond compared to the storms the Launceleyn could bring.
"I just...feel like I've forgotten how." Remi admits, opening his eyes. "Being kind requires...a certain amount of care for others that I'm lacking these days."
THE
ALCHEMIST
Table coding by Sky
Speaks with a thick Italian accent.
Force and magic can be used against Remi without permission.
"I think eventually, we all have regrets. I mean, you and I are still quite young, but when you first came here you were very young...maybe you didn't have any regrets then." Sam shrugged sadly, quite sure that everyone came across a series of regrets in time. He knew he certainly had a few.
He wasn't sure that Loren had made him feel anything was his fault, but their relationship had never been on a good footing. "...I think I chose a poor time to know him, right after Abasi's death. I have...I know this is probably so selfish to say, when someone died, but.." Shaking his head, Sam laughed quietly. "I have the worst timing for falling for someone. I never do it at the right time." Or in the right way, in a lot of cases.
"I don't think you have. You're still...still coming here to talk to me, right? You still tried to rephrase what you said when you came in. You do good work as the governor. Maybe you just..." Gesturing slowly and vaguely in front of himself, Sam tried to find the words. "...Need to define what kindness is for you now. Limit yourself less." All this advice sounded very nice and wise coming out of his mouth, but Sam knew he'd struggle to follow it if it was given to him.
"No, I mean.." Remi's smile grows boyishly crooked as Sam mentions how young he was. How young they both were when they first met. At only 25 Remi is still arguably young, though he certainly doesn't feel it. "..I wasn't the sort of person who had regrets. I did many things that others might have regretted, I just...I was always so sure of the decisions I made and why I did them. It left no room for wondering what might have been."
Remi isn't inclined to malign Loren any further, much as he might want to. So as Sam mentions the poor timing in their relationship, the Alchemist merely nods his head as politely as he can manage.
He doesn't want to argue with Sam. He doesn't want to tell him that despite the awkwardness of this conversation, it isn't weighing on him quite the way it should. It's a strange thing, trying to convince someone you're quite substantially broken when they keep telling you that you're not. "If I've learned anything from all of this...it's that if I'm left to my own devices." If anything, he needed to limit himself more.
Clearing his throat, Remi offered the bookmaker a small smile, glancing towards the door. "Well, I should probably.." He mumbles, nodding his head towards the exit.
THE
ALCHEMIST
Table coding by Sky
Speaks with a thick Italian accent.
Force and magic can be used against Remi without permission.
"Oh. I don't ever think I've experienced that in my life." Sam laughed quietly, inwardly marvelling at how it would feel to not regret every action the second it was over, to not constantly guess and pick at yourself every day. It sounded like Remi had eventually come to question some of his choices, but he was sure that he'd never have quite the same insecurities as Sam himself did.
Not aware they were close to a fight (in fact, Sam felt this was the most successful conversation he'd had with Remi in quite some time), he nodded. "Well, whatever works best for you, I suppose..." And while he'd rather that didn't involve insisting that he had no friends, Sam knew he wouldn't ever be able to entirely leave Remi alone nor forget about him (as he had in the past).
Remi stood to go, and Sam let him, smiling back. "Alright. Look after yourself. Thank you...for bringing me that news, and for staying for a while. Come back soon, hopefully without news of a murder?" He tried to laugh, but it was a little weak: still, Sam pleasantly let Remi out and afterwards reflected that he felt it had been a good talk, that they had begun to see more eye to eye.
