Call it what you want

sam So please please please, let me get what I want this time Fingertips raking up his back almost felt real enough to create feeling inside him; Sam knew his Ascended condition was why he was here in the first place, but in the moment he cursed it for taking the most of this from him. He gave out a quiet surprised gasp as he was pulled away from Remi's neck, their positions flipped so his own back was up against the wall. He knew intellectually that the cave wall should have been cold on his bare back, but he felt nothing. Sam thought for a moment that this movement was the end of their tryst, but then there was an arm around his back. It appeared that Remi, really, truly wanted him - Even if the timing was odd and they barely knew each other, he was thrilled. Remi told him to not stop, but Sam wasn't sure what he meant. Any more drinking would likely be getting dangerous now, he'd long since had his fill. But he was desperate to please, desperate to not have this moment end. Nervously he moved upwards and grazed his teeth just against the skin of Remi's neck, not breaking the skin. So close his lips touched against Remi's skin as he spoke, he asked: "W-What would you have me do?"

Having never been beholden to pleasure before, the alchemist surprised even himself as a sort of whining growl slipped passed his lips as Sam's teeth grazed the skin of his neck. As if in some sort of delirium, the man's words sounded so far away compared to the tantalizing nearness and sensational loudness of his lips against Remi's neck. Eyes closed, breathing ragged, the hand around Sam's back slithered around to his side and up the book-makers ribcage. Slowly his fingers migrated north, all the while distantly aware of the fact that Sam's body was neither hot nor could, nor was it moving. His chest did not rise and fall with a neediness to match Remi's. And, as the alchemist's strong fingers came to a halt over Sam's chest, his palm flattened out against the pale skin. And he felt nothing at all. There was no heart beat; no pulse. What would you have me do? Closing his eyes again and forcing himself to think, Remi repeated the words in his mind. Was this inexperience talking? Or...if the man did not (could not?) feel as Remi did physically, was he asking because it wouldn't matter to him? Couldn't matter? As the seconds increased in number between Sam's last bite, Remi's mind slowly awakened even as his body thrummed with unsatisfied potential. "Sam—" He murmured, suddenly quite sure that'd he'd somehow taken advantage of this situation, but still too pleasurably-drunk to work out how. Still a touch breathless, he looked down where his hand still gently rested on the man's chest. "Can you not...do you not feel...?" REMI Traded my soul to free my mind, "can I go back to being blind?" I ask myself one too many times

sam So please please please, let me get what I want this time Feeling without feeling was difficult to put into words, a mental disconnect where he knew the placement of Remi's hands but felt nothing; no heat or real contact. Having never done anything like this prior to his Ascension Sam had little to compare it to either, just ghosts of things he'd read filling in the gaps. It didn't really matter though - he was not in this for the physical aspect. His name spoken in a concerned tone snapped through him immediately, Sam sitting back from Remi (but letting the hand stay on his chest), worried he had done something to break the odd spell Remi had been under that had actually made him like him. "I-um. Not in the same way you do. N-not anymore. But it's fine. I...I don't mind. Really." He tried to smile encouragingly, though it really just came out awkward. Unsure of if the moment was over, he put a tame hand on Remi's knee.

Not in the way you do. —In what way then? Suddenly the alchemist felt terrible, and not merely because of blood loss. Here he thought— —the way his hands hand grabbed and groped. —the way the buldge of his arousal pressed up against a man who was basically a stranger. But that wasn't what sent a cold wave of nausea through the alchemist. It wasn't even the lack of a beating heart. If Sam didn't feel any of what Remi did...then how could he possibly reciprocate? Worse, how could he possibly want this? —I don't mind, really. The words were like a slap across his already flushed and heated cheeks. It sounded like Sam was consenting to helping Remi in with some groceries, or using his strength to help move a particularly heavy piece of furniture. Not to— —"I don't know what I'm doing. I'm sorry—" Closing his eyes to try and see through the fog the ascended had plunged him in, Remi flinched slightly as Sam's hand gently touched his knee. Raising a hand to brace himself against the cavern wall over Sam's head, the alchemist felt his fingers turning into claws and digging into the cold and hard surface of the cave. Something had to give. And at this rate, it was going to be his sanity. REMI Traded my soul to free my mind, "can I go back to being blind?" I ask myself one too many times

sam So please please please, let me get what I want this time "Oh--no--I'm sorry, please don't..." Sam wasn't entirely sure to say because he wasn't sure what he had done wrong. Clearly he had made some kind of error, because Remi had wanted him and now it seemed he didn't, from the way he frowned and moved a hand to rest on the cave wall. Desperate to try and wrestle his one chance at intimacy (and he briefly fooled himself far too early, at love) back from the brink, he reached up to hold Remi's wrist. "I still feel it here." He said, pointing to his heart, then his head. "Not in the same way as you, but it still means something to me. I-If you want to touch me, I'm...I would like it. I wasn't expecting it from this but...if you want to." This rambling over, he shakily spread his legs further apart and laid back a little, trying to invite Remi to lean down over him.

Sam's fingers against the skin of his wrist temporarily stilled the way his claws flexed and dug into the   wall. Tawny fur had begun to sprout from the tops of his hands down his arms, though human skin re-emerged where the ascended touched him. Remi's sea-glass green gaze was tempered by a confused dose of disbelief as Sam indicated he did feel things, albeit in his own way. While that may have been true, there was a very specific sort of feeling that Remi had been looking to create. That was basically meant to be the culmination of the alchemist's desperate pawing and fussing.  And, having never been a selfish man in any arena of his life, even with Sam's gentle insistence that Remi could if he wanted to, it still made the alchemist feel as though he was just using the man. "Sam—" He said gently, biting at the inside of his cheek as another frustrating wave of fervor sloshed through his lower belly with such force that his eyes fluttered shut for a moment, muscles tensing. Lowering the hand from the cave wall, he placed it next to Sam's side and leaned forward, eyes opening slowly. Gently he placed his other hand against Sam's hip, looking towards the man questioningly. "Before you ascended—" At least that's what he thought it was called. "—did you ever..?" REMI Traded my soul to free my mind, "can I go back to being blind?" I ask myself one too many times

sam So please please please, let me get what I want this time Looking up, Sam saw fur on Remi's arm and let go of his wrist in shock. He knew Attuned existed, of course, had met a few and seen some animals he had been suspicious of - but he had never seen a transformation up close. It was unnerving to see it so close, a hint of something animal and wild and potentially vicious. But Remi leaned down and gently put a hand on his hip; for a moment Sam thought they had passed the awkwardness, that Remi was about to ravage him...then came the question. He stared. Wide eyes and a cringing grimace. This was not a topic he had ever broached with anyone. Even with them in the position they were, it felt particularly shameful. But it was the kind of situation that called for honesty, that it simply felt wrong to lie in. "Um. N-no. I..I assume you mean...h-had sex? I haven't...ever...done that. I-is that a problem? I'm willing to...to learn. I just...I was never popular and then I was Ascended and um..." He trailed off with a shrug, hoping the ramble was sufficient answer.

The alchemist watched the cringe contort Sam's pale features. Distantly he wondered what to do with his hand; did this situation call for more or less of a touch? Did Sam want Remi to recoil? Or to comfort physically? Wait. What was he thinking. It didn't matter what he did with his hand. That was precisely the problem. "No, of course it is not a problem." Remi said immediately, one of his cheeks dimpling slightly with a crooked and concerned smile. He wanted to learn? Remi stifled the urge to collapse and bury his face against the stone floor. Sam's willingness made him feel all the more monstrous for it. Though truthfully the worst of all, was that even though Sam couldn't even pretend to replicate the feelings that Remi wanted to create within him and those he was feeling himself, part of him still wanted to go ahead anyways. Remi had never been emotionally or sexually lonely before, as he'd never let anyone in. Now that he had and felt the chasm-like absence of that sort of connection, he desperately wanted it back, as evidence by his low blood pressure, dropping body temperature, and slyly considering thoughts. But he wouldn't. Couldn't. Remi was stronger than this; he had to be. "Come here Sam." Remi whispered gently, leaning back into a sitting position against the wall, but offering his hand to the ascended to try and draw him up alongside him. If Sam took it, Remi wouldn't let it go, but would instead turn his palm right-side up to regard it silently for a moment. "It is not that I do not want to—" Remi began, colour in his cheeks that made the green of his eyes look all the more pale for it. "—but it is one thing to remember what this feels like—" So saying he ran his thumb against the man's palm. "—but having sex with someone...I..." Helplessly Remi fumbled for the words but found them lacking. If Sam couldn't feel it—nor even know what it was like—his willingness made him no better than Remi's own hand in some ways. Worse even, because of that damned eagerness on his face. "If I am the only one experiencing it...it is not..." Helplessly he looked up at the dark roof of the cave, biting the inside of his lip and cursing his utter and complete lack of vocabulary. Softly turning his gaze back to the man (hopefully) at his side, the alchemist shrugged sadly. "..it is not what it is meant to be." REMI Traded my soul to free my mind, "can I go back to being blind?" I ask myself one too many times

sam So please please please, let me get what I want this time Remi said it wasn't a problem, which put a large smile on Sam's face...that quickly dropped as Remi moved away to the side. Something was wrong, he knew, and it was clearly his fault. He hadn't found the right key words, the correct things to say to keep Remi interested. He let his hand be taken, his arm almost limp. "But--" Sam tried to object, but he could feel the mood that was there slipping away by the second. All of his reasonable objections, that he didn't care if he felt it physically or not...they felt like childish protests in the face of Remi's quiet explanation. He felt his chest burn with a sense that it was all just terribly unfair. He had never wanted this, had never wanted a life tied to the Gods with a face like a corpse and a life like a mannequin. Here was the chance to pretend that he was just normal, just loved...and his 'gift' had taken it away again. Curling forward, his forehead touching his knees, Sam wiped his eyes fruitlessly - no tears, he wasn't even sure if he could cry, but he could feel the upset in his heart and the muscles on his face trying desperately to sob. "...I-I just want to be normal. Like you."

Remi too felt the mood—the enzyme sex-high—slipping away. However for the hybrid that made clarity suddenly feel like it was within his grasp again. It was a sensation he'd never before experienced, to go from all but strangers to wanting someone so completely that he felt delirious and reckless with need. But that wasn't Remi. It never had been, and now with this not-quite stranger crumpling before him, the waves of guilt and responsibility made the cave feel warm in comparison to the slush of ice forming in the pit of his stomach. His free hand slipped across Sam's back, realizing now that the chemicals were wearing off, just how much smaller the man was. Then again, somewhere along the line Remi had broadened out considerably, not that he'd noticed really. He'd never had occasion to. The hand still in Sam's offered a gentle squeeze as Remi looked sadly down at the balled-up figure at his side. Though part of Remi wanted to protest and say that he wasn't quite normal either, he knew what Sam meant, and so only nibbled the inside of his lip as his heart gave an uncomfortable twitch inside of his chest. "Can anything be done?" Remi asked gently trying to still the way his body wanted to shiver in the frigid air of the cave. He should put his shirt back on and jacket as well, but so much had already been lost between the two it felt like, that his bare skin against the ascended seemed to be the only artifact to confirm that the moments just passed had actually happened. REMI Traded my soul to free my mind, "can I go back to being blind?" I ask myself one too many times

sam So please please please, let me get what I want this time Remi was still touching him, but now it had changed in a way that took Sam a moment to recognise. As soon as he realised it was pity, that Remi didn't want him anymore but instead desired to comfort him...he shrugged away, kneeling up and reaching to put his shirt back on, suddenly feeling horrendously naked. "No. I ju--just have to live my life like this. Unfeeling and cold and r-rejected and--" He stood up, stepping away from the wall and pointedly not looking back. In his mind, he knew none of it was Remi's fault, but this whole situation had just been a perfect crystallisation of the issue of his Ascended nature and it was hard to not feel spurned. He took a deep breath and stared at the large wall of snow covering the cave mouth. Leaving sounded wonderful, the idea of being home with a book and a chance to pretend this had never happened too delightful to not try for. Reaching a hand up to try and dig his way through some of it, figuring he wouldn't feel the cold anyway, he spoke with a purposeful detachment. "....We should get out. Maybe...m-maybe if we can make a large enough hole you could fl...fly out? You can do that?" Realising something, he paused. "...I suppose I could too. When I...drink...I'm meant to get your abilities. H-how do you turn into a bird? Is it hard?"

As Sam rolled away, Remi felt as though the situation was now gaining momentum towards a destination not only had he not intended, but one he couldn't think of how to forestall. He knew taking advantage of the ascended's emotional state would be just as damaging to the man as it would be for Remi to let himself do it, but that hardly helped fill the space beside him where Sam was no longer. Watching Sam paw at the snow, Remi rocked onto his feet and stood, far too quickly. The world around him darkened and spun, and starpoints of light winked frostily around the edges of his vision as his feet scuttled beneath himself to try and keep him upright. A hasty and shaky hand reached out for the cave wall, bracing himself against it as his body crumbled forward. Kneeling once again with his face to the wall, Remi's palms flatly pressed against the stone as he took a shuddering breath. He hadn't realized just how weak Sam's feeding had made him until just now, and the sweet siren's song of unconsciousness tickled the back of his neck and tried to pull him down. As Sam dug at the snow, the snow tried to rebuild itself. Seeing this out of the corner of his eye, Remi groaned and let his eyes fall shut again. "It is memory snow." He muttered weakly. "There is no point moving it. It will just reform itself. We will have to wait until it reforms from the outside." The mention of shifting was interesting, and, glancing with a shocked expression towards Sam—Remi's cheeks now nearly as pale as the ascended's were—his brows knit together. "You can...?" He whispered, the ghost of a smile on his lips. We could fly together? REMI Traded my soul to free my mind, "can I go back to being blind?" I ask myself one too many times

sam So please please please, let me get what I want this time "We have no idea how...how long that will take. I don't have to eat, but you..." Sam finally looked towards Remi when he heard a stumble, feeling guilt seeing just how weak he suddenly looked. "You really should e-especially after that." He said the last word as if some kind of disgusting act had just taken place, as if it was something separate from both of them that clearly deserved disdain. He was going off of things that he'd heard, rumours and myths, but he nodded. Partially because he wanted to believe it himself, that he could just fly out of the gorge and not need to worry about how he was going to climb up (the horror that falling could be; painless but not empty). "...I think so. T-tell me how and I'll try. I've never...tried to turn into an animal." Despite everything, he smiled a little.

It was true. They had no idea how long it would take, and given how the world was still swimming in and out of focus, that was perhaps something the alchemist should have given a great deal more thought to earlier. But of course he hadn't. He'd thought only of the nearness of Sam and the intoxicating array of sensations he was experiencing. Never before had the alchemist been quite so thoughtless, and now he might well die because of it. "Not much to eat down here." Remi said, trying on a smile but feeling too exhausted to hold it for long. Rocking back against the wall, Remi sat down with his back against it as he had been only moments ago. Running a hand over his eyes, he looked up at Sam. "You just.." Fluttering his eyelashes for a moment, the alchemist tried to introspect and think of just what the feeling was like. It had become so second nature to him that he really had never thought about it in detail for a good long while. "It. It's here—" Remi said pointing somewhere near his sternum. "Deep inside. Like a flickering. Focus on that and—" Holding up his arm—shaking quite a bit with even this small strain—his fingers began to extend into long flight feathers as smaller contour feathers climbed up his arm. REMI Traded my soul to free my mind, "can I go back to being blind?" I ask myself one too many times