Call it what you want

sam So please please please, let me get what I want this time Remi's vague words about a 'flickering' were as good as another language to Sam. He watched in amazement as feathers grew on the other man's arm, the awkwardness of before forgotten for just a second at the spectacle. It seemed impossible that he could bend his own bones and skin in such a way, but the blood thrumming in him promised something new. Sam closed his eyes and held his arms out in the way Remi had, trying hard to focus on his chest. There was no heartbeat there (hadn't been for too long) but he could feel a potential something to work with. Feeling a little silly, he thought hard of a bird - not a specific kind, just vignettes of feathers and beaks and clawed feet. "I d-don't think it's-" He began to say, but as he opened his eyes he nearly jumped back in shock when he saw his own hands now in the shape of long feathers. Immediately closing his eyes again, Sam tried to take himself back to the 'flickering' until he felt the cave seem to get bigger around him (or was it that he was smaller?). When he opened his eyes, they weren't human.

Tired..so tired... As if through water, Remi reached out to grab for his jacket that had been so swiftly and thoughtlessly discarded earlier. Putting it back on felt like an exercise in and of itself. His arm muscles felt languid and unresponsiveness and he couldn't be bothered to do the buttons of his shirt back up. Looking towards Sam, a smile pulled at his lips as he watched feathers stretch from the man's fingers. Wrapping his arms around himself, he let the smile press against his cheeks with a distant and exhausted sort of pride. Watching him shrink and contort down into the body Remi knew so well was interesting and strangely nostalgic. Hawks were common enough, but the type that Remi was was a good deal lighter than most. He'd never seen what he looked like, not with his own eyes, and it made him smile. "There." Remi said gently, gazing down at the small winged predator. "Now you are rather like me." Whether or not Sam could answer him back was hard to say. Some attuned here could, and some couldn't and thus far the alchemist didn't really know why that was. REMI Traded my soul to free my mind, "can I go back to being blind?" I ask myself one too many times

sam So please please please, let me get what I want this time Sam hopped about on the ground, trying to get used to the new proportions of his body. He still couldn't feel the cold of the floor (apparently some Ascended traits just refused to die) but there was still new sensation there, of feathers and a beak-- "I-I suppose I am." Sam replied, then suddenly realised he had not used his mouth to speak but had instead automatically simply thought the words. A rather undignified squawk left his beak at the realisation. "Um. I-is it normal to speak like this?" He decided to experiment with a bit of flight. There wasn't too much room in the cave, but he didn't want to go too high on his first go anyway. With a preparatory run (more of a waddle with his new feet) he jumped up and flapped his wings madly, surprised by how easy it was to gain height - and slam into the roof of the cave. As he fell down Sam turned back to himself, slamming into the ground in a way that would have hurt if he could. "...Well. Th-that's...very....odd. How did you get used to it?" They probably had a while to wait for the snow to return and as much as Sam wanted to crawl away from Remi forever right now, he supposed he may as well bring up a conversation to pass some of the time.

Hearing Sam's voice in his head made Remi smile, the awkward squawk only increasing it. Yes. Remi replied. Sam would find the alchemist's thickly accented voice even more melodic but perhaps harder to understand in his mind. Remi worked to ensure that his words were easy to parse, but the mental version was not quite so easy to mold. It was perhaps worse than normal, as Remi's speech always took a linguistic turn for the worse when he was tired. Watching as the bird hopped awkwardly forward and then lifted into the air, one of Remi's hands immediately shot out as he intuited what was about to happen. Sam, your tail, use your— But given his angle of ascent there was clearly no time. Trying to lean forward as the bird-turned-to-man fell against the ground as if Remi might have been able to catch him, the alchemist hissed in a sharp breath of concern as his pale eyes washed over the man prone on the ground. "Are you alright?" He asked out loud now, extending a hand towards the ascended hoping to help him up but not entirely sure his hand would be accepted. "Well, I do try not to fly into things." Remi chuckled with a wry but exhausted smile. "But I have been this way for so long..." He shrugged, finding it a bit hard to put into words. "But I can also become a lion now, I have found. And that ... that I have no gotten used to." The smile faded entirely now, and what small amount of blood was flowing steadily through his veins now pooled in his cheeks as he looked ashamedly down at his hands and sighed. REMI Traded my soul to free my mind, "can I go back to being blind?" I ask myself one too many times

sam So please please please, let me get what I want this time "I'm fine. I can't feel pain, j-just as I can't feel anything else." Sam was not often one for barbed words, but the lack of feeling earlier was perfectly reflected in the way his hands pointedly didn't sting now and it was all too much. Completely ignoring the hand (not making it clear whether it was intentional or if he just didn't notice) he clambered to his feet. "A...lion? You don't seem like a lion." He said with a frown, looking down at Remi. As he was, laid against the wall of the cave weak and drained, Sam couldn't think of anything less ferocious. As much as he wanted to be huffy, to pretend to not notice Remi's sudden sadness, it wasn't in his nature. Sam sighed and leaned with his back against the wall opposite Remi, folded his arms. "Well..w-why is turning into a lion any different than a hawk? They're both animals."

The alchemist flinched slightly at the harshness of the ascended’s words, but they definitely weren’t unwarranted. As his outstretched hand remained in limbo as Sam got himself to his feet, Remi sighed wearily (out of actual exhaustion rather than exasperation at the man), and leaned himself back against the wall. This small amount of movement had already made his head start to spin again, and so he closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose as Sam commented on how unlike a lion he was. Glancing up through his curls, Remi tried on another smirk, albeit a weak one. “And I seem like a hawk?” He mused, genuinely curious. Back in Northaven the ceremony was such that one did not pick the animal they became, the magic just sort of did that for you. Both of his parents had been birds and so the alchemist was not terribly surprised with what he’d become. His was the largest species of hawk which was perhaps a bit impressive, but as far as birds went he was quite average. Perhaps on that account hawk did fit him well. “Perhaps because it is so unlike me.” Remi murmured, wrapping his arms around his waist and leaning his head back against the wall with a shaky breath. ”It...” Remi glanced at his hands, though didn’t let them partially shift into a lion’s paws as he had done with his hawk-shift. It was too risky to do even that, given how tired and riled up he was. “The urge to attack is quite strong in that form. Sometimes when I am not strong enough it can take over completely.” Gently his fingers caressed his own side, where below the fabric of his clothing were numerous scars. “The scars on my side-“ Glancing up rather uncertainly, Remi swallowed. Had Sam felt them? He couldn’t remember where the man’s hands had been actually, other than he’d simply wanted them - and the rest of Sam - more. Clearing his throat Remi’s face crumpled into something that resembled guilt and sadness as he sighed. “I did those to myself one night. It was all I could do to stop myself. Someone nearly died that night.” Biting the inside of his lip hard, Remi studied the ground, unable to meet Sam’s gaze. Just because honesty came easily to the alchemist did not make the words he said any less painful. “I do not take that form often. Not unless I have to, or I know my frame of mind can handle it.” REMI Traded my soul to free my mind, "can I go back to being blind?" I ask myself one too many times

sam So please please please, let me get what I want this time "More than you seem like a lion..." Sam mumbled. While he had been confused when he'd seen Remi transform, it had somehow made sense that he would be a bird. Birds were inquisitive and innocent, though he wasn't sure if the last word still applied to Remi. He fell quiet as Remi stumbled his way through an explanation of his lion form. To have a part of you that felt unnatural, felt wrong and at odds with yourself...well, it was something Sam understood perfectly. Standing awkwardly, shifting from foot to foot and watching Remi speak, he felt strangely guilty about something non-specific. "...I see." Was all he could say for a moment. Then, crossing the gap between them, he came to sit by Remi again, but this time to simply take the other mans hand. He hoped his was not too cold to be comforting. "Th-that does not reflect you, though. It is just something to overcome."

As Sam moved towards him, Remi’s pale gaze rose with a confused sort of expectation, his brows furrowing together in a question. Fully not expecting Sam to sit down next to him, not after the sort of reaction he’d just been given and all that had just occurred between the two, shocked to find the man reaching for his hand. As far as he could recall, Remi hadn’t actually had his hand held by another man before. Not in this way anyhow. Of course his fingers had curled around Ianto and Loren’s during their nights (well, it hadn’t always been at night) together. But another man had never held his hand. Letting his hand be taken, Remi was surprised to find that his was the cold one. Whatever system kept the ascended at a perfect body temperature was working far better than Remi’s system was. ”Does it not?” Remi wondered, his voice soft but only because Sam was so near again. Remi’s lips twitched slightly. He remembered that fateful night Zero had told him that it was all within his control, that if Remi injured him, he couldn’t blame it on being a lion because it was still him in there. If he was right, then it did reflect on him. Because it was him. ”I hope I can.” Remi mused, biting the inside of his lip and absently stroking his ribs slightly again with the hand not in Sam’s grasp, thoughtfully. “I did not mean to make you feel rejected if I did..” Remi said after a moment, his eyes alighting softly on the side of Sam’s face. “I just ... the things you made me feel Sam...It was ...” Remi took a deep breath and held it for a moment. The words had eluded him before and he wasn’t sure why he thought he’d do better now, but he needed to try. “You made me feel really good. But you did not mean to, did you? You did not...and you do not know me and I do not know you. Not really.” Then, hastily he added, ”Not yet.” He was making a real mess of this, but with an absolutely absurd boyish optimism he smiled at Sam and soldiered on. “I do not want you to feel rejected...but this is not what either of us wants. Not like this.” Outside the snow began to groan. Perhaps Sam might notice the different in light but Remi certainly didn’t. Still, they’d both hear the layers of snow outside slowly removing. REMI Traded my soul to free my mind, "can I go back to being blind?" I ask myself one too many times

sam So please please please, let me get what I want this time In response to the first question, Sam simply shook his head and squeezed Remi's hand. He didn't have anything to say about it, really, other than understanding. He understood more than most what it felt to have a monster inside of you. He didn't expect the other man to bring up what had happened between them again. Sam watched him speak without interrupting, letting the words sink in. While the same desire to cry but frustrating inability to tickled the backs of his eyes once more....he understood this time, at least a little. Remi was right. They barely knew each other. The part of him that was lonely screeched that that didn't matter, that they could still magically fall in love right now and he could finally be happy; but that wasn't going to happen. The more likely conclusion, he knew, was awkward meetings until Remi finally moved away and he was left to isolate himself once more. "...Perhaps...we...could. Get to kn-know each other. At some point." The last of his hope voiced, Sam fell quiet and waited for the snow to rise, occasionally stroking his thumb on Remi's hand.

Remi nodded, his head tilted towards Sam and perhaps lowered a little, if only to force the ascended to look at him so he could see that the alchemist's smile was genuine. "I would like that." He said, stifling a yawn with the back of his hand. Drawing his knees up to his chest to try and conserve some of his warmth, the alchemist tentatively let himself lean towards Sam, if the man would allow. He wasn't leaning against him entirely, just enough that their sleeves might touch in that sort of tentative is this okay? sort of manner. Though, given how Remi's hands had been all over him under an hour before this sort of hesitation seemed a bit inappropriate. But then again without the intoxicating cocktail of enzymes running through his system urging him to actions he'd never rush into, this did seem to be more or less the place the two of them ought to be at. Unaware that he was doing so, Remi's eyes fluttered closed as his body finally demanded the rest it required from all the blood that Sam had taken. An indeterminate amount of time later Grumblingly, the memory snow began to piece itself back together. For anyone witnessing the event from outside they might well think that they were watching events happen in reverse: the avalanche slowly returned back to the top of the gorge, defying gravity and reforming the precarious pyramid of snow at the top of the bone bridge that had led to this event in the first place. It was night outside by now, but even so moonlight filtered in slowly. REMI Traded my soul to free my mind, "can I go back to being blind?" I ask myself one too many times

sam So please please please, let me get what I want this time The moment after Remi's acceptance was slow and sleepy, almost ludicrously peaceful after everything that had transpired. Sam did not have to sleep, often didn't, but the atmosphere called for it. He had been without blood himself for so long he did not think to stay awake to watch Remi's breathing. He dosed, slipping between dreams and consciousness a few times over the next while - he woke up proper to the sound of the snow shaping itself back up. At first he didn't register what the sound meant, staring dully at the moonlight streaming into the cave...then he realised what it meant. They could leave. Desperately, he tapped Remi's arm. "Remi! The...the snow! We can leave!" Sam got to his feet, holding out his hands to pull Remi to his feet. "Y-you're going to have to help me fly..." Sam closed his eyes and tried to think of birds again, tried to feel that 'flickering' and push it to his fingertips - but this time, nothing happened. He glanced at his fingers then screwed his eyes shut again, trying to will feathers to appear. He felt strangely embarrassed, as if he were in the market in his underwear. "...I..um. I-I can't....be a bird anymore."

For a moment Remi didn't stir. The loss of blood and the far-too cold temperatures of the cave had lulled his body into a sort of icy stasis. He could probably last quite a while like this, his body working sluggishly given just how cool the temperature was, but it certainly slowed his mind dramatically. The ascended's voice did little to rouse the sleeping alchemist, but as he was prodded, his eyes sleepily flickered open. Remi's pale sea-glass green eyes looked all the more hauntingly exhausted for the small respite he'd been given, and almost painfully he squeezed his eyes closed before opening them again. Extending his hands towards Sam, he gratefully accepted the help in standing. Though even as he rose vertically he stumbled back slightly against the wall, his back knocking against the wall painfully. With an ooof, Remi swiped a hand across his eyes, nodding sluggishly at Sam's request. "Of course I will." He murmured gently. Watching Sam try to transform was impossibly adorable and Remi smiled at his friend drowsily waiting for him to shrink and become sufficiently feathered to fly. However as it appeared that the transformation was not going to take place, Remi's expression became concerned. The transformation had always come easily to the attuned, even when he was in his fledgling days of being a bird. But whether or not the experience was even remotely the same given that Sam was an ascended, he didn't know. "Try again? Remember the way it felt. See the feathers and remember what it was like to have them grow from you—" Holding out a hand, Remi demonstrated, allowing feathers to softly cover his fingers and his palm. REMI Traded my soul to free my mind, "can I go back to being blind?" I ask myself one too many times

sam So please please please, let me get what I want this time Sam nodded at Remi's instructions, watched his fingers turn into feathers - but when he tried to apply the same principles to himself again...nothing happened. And nothing kept on happening, no matter how hard he closed his eyes or stretched out his fingers or stomped his feet (he wasn't sure why this one would help, but it felt right). Instinctively, he felt this wasn't going to work. He sighed and opened his eyes, stared hopelessly at Remi for a moment, at the scabs formed on his neck and the stain of dried blood...Then he made a realisation. "...Oh. U-um. I think..." Sam grabbed for his arm and pressed so hard his fingertips turned white, trying to take the nerves out of him at what he had to ask. "I think I need more. Of your...b-blood. But maybe I can...um...take the..." Sam pointed at the dark stain on Remi's neck. It would still require him to lick the other man's skin, something that was uncomfortably intimate after things had been resolved, but at least it wasn't another bite. If Remi let him, Sam would move forward and awkwardly, nervously lick up his neck to taste the blood there, hoping it was enough.

Remi had to stifle the urge not to chuckle as Sam stamped his feet, but even so the side of his lips crinkled slightly as he watched the man's exasperated attempts at shifting. However as Sam's gaze rose towards his—and then to his neck—Remi swallowed. A cold rush of fear mixed with a bright spark of anticipation thrummed through his body as his mind made the connection that Sam's was making as well. And while Remi's rational mind was hesitation to let himself be bit again, his body was already relentlessly hoping for it. "Alright." Remi all but whispered, one of his hands reaching out to gently touch the white of Sam's knuckles. It was an awkward thing to have to ask Remi supposed, especially after all that had just happened. But if being the predator that his lion-form thrust onto him wasn't meant to reflect on Remi as Sam had said, then surely this aspect of ascendancy shouldn't reflect on Sam. As Sam neared, Remi swallowed again and straightened—which was not incredibly helpful given the different in their respective heights. Remi's hands floated at his sides, wondering whether he was meant to touch Sam in this or not. The feeling of his tongue against Remi's skin was ... odd. It was, as Sam thought as well, quite intimate. And yet the fire between them had been dampened for now, if indeed it had existed in the first place. Sam would likely feel Remi's pulse increasing below his lips and tongue as the alchemist did his best to remain still and make this as easy for the ascended as possible. REMI Traded my soul to free my mind, "can I go back to being blind?" I ask myself one too many times