and heres when it gets worse

Adam Some things you do just to see how bad they'll make you feel Sometimes you try to freeze time 'til the slots are a blur of spinning wheels Amalia had taken him back to Torchline, which was fortunate, because otherwise he would have been gone for weeks as he tried to work out his way back home...but on the other hand, Adam wasn't sure he wanted to be home. He stood in front of the Devil's Advocates door, knowing Pet would be on the other side, probably waiting for him, probably excited to see him. And he was about to go in there and break the guys heart, when he'd already lost so fucking much. In some ways, he thought it might be easier to just turn and leave; but who was that easier for? Pet or himself? Gritting his teeth and forcing his hand to the door handle, he walked in and towards the little pile of cushions they'd made into a make shift living space before they got a house...which was looking like a more distant possibility with every moment. "Pet, we gotta talk. Again." He said without looking down, stood on the edge of the blankets, not wanting to get in and get comfortable, to drag on whatever this was going to be with false pretenses. "...I'm...oh fuck, I'm so fucking sorry. I'm just such a fucking fuck up and I've fucked it." He'd managed to hold back the tears with Amalia, partly because of the anger, but now he had no reason to; sinking down to squat with his knees bent, Adam pressed his palms into his face. "I've fucked us. We can't...I gotta do the right thing and let you get away from me." But I am just a broken machine And I do things that I don't really mean

PETER

Just because he can’t sleep doesn’t mean he can’t be cosy. And as he is, buried by pillows and blankets, is cosy. It would be cosier with Adam, of course, but the other man, his husband, is very rarely gone for long.

The sound of a door opening captures Pet’s attention, slow footfalls the soundtrack of his struggle to get loose of the bundle of comfort that’s overtaken a corner of the room. His head pokes out as Adam stops, a sweet smile blooming on his face, then wilting, at the expression on the other man’s. And the words that fall from Adam, words that have an already unmoving heart freezing into a block of ice in Pet’s chest.

Suddenly, it feels stupid to be wrapped up, to be comfortable, as Adam breaks down. The blankets and pillows are a prison that Pet struggles with, freeing himself just as the other crumpled down, tears pouring down his face. ”N-no, it’s... it’s okay. What ha-happ... what happened?” Comfort is not, will never be his strong suit, but pet tries desperately, circling his arms loosely around Adams shoulders and squeezing. ”I don’t, I don’t wanna get away.”

I’m sorry lover, I’m sorry I bring you down
Well these days I try, and these days I tend to lie

Adam Some things you do just to see how bad they'll make you feel Sometimes you try to freeze time 'til the slots are a blur of spinning wheels Of course, Pet, being lovely and sweet and far too patient, came to hold him, to ask what was wrong; it stung. Adam wanted him to know what had happened right away, wanted him to be angry and to storm out and let the chapter end with a slam, but he knew that wasn't going to happen. This was going to tease a lot of hurt out of the both of them before it could be over. "I met Amalia. Out in the Wilds. She's...I don't know, some fucking glowing little gold star right up Vi's ass or some shit." Maybe that was bitter, but well, it was how he felt; the walk home had given him time to think over what she had said and get angry about it. Still, anger about Amalia was an easy, safe place, where he didn't have to tell Pet the rest of it - and he did have to tell him. It wasn't fair otherwise. Rubbing across his eyes roughly, he shook his head. "She uh...she ended up telling me about some dreams she had when I was gone. Dreams about me and her being together. Then she uh..." Adam managed to force his eyes to meet Pets. "Told me she loved me." He sat down on the floor, slumped and his gaze fell again, Adam unable to look at Pet for the rest of the story. "I told her...I told her I loved her too. Kissed her, fuck-" A lump came up in his throat as he remembered the moment before it all went to shit, and as he knew he was driving a knife into Pet's heart. "...It didn't work out, anyway. But thing is, I do love her, but I love you too? I don't know what's fucking real, or how I feel. I'm a fucking mess and I'm gonna end up breaking your heart...I already have - I'm gonna....aagghhhh." Having rambled himself into a corner, Adam let his head sink into his hands. But I am just a broken machine And I do things that I don't really mean

PETER

Things start so easily. Pets not entirely sure he understands the details of how Adam begins, but he gets the gist. Amalia, Gods, a latent anger about it all. These are things that are easy to know. Easy to try and soothe, with soft hands and the gentle tilt of his head in against Adam.

It’s only when the news of a love confession falls into his lap like a load of bricks that Pet shifts back, his face going blank. He tries to fit this newest piece of information into the collage of broken pieces that make up whatever it is inside him that frames his relationship, and it breaks in his chest.

But wait, it gets worse, and some part of Pet wants to lift his hands and cover Adams mouth before he finishes. Or his own ears, so he doesn’t have to hear it. If this didn’t come so close on the heels of their last conversation, perhaps Pet could accept it, could swallow down the double edged blade of jealousy and inadequacy, but right now? He can’t do anything more than slowly withdraw from Adam, a thin blank veil hiding whatever emotion surges behind his eyes. ”What... what happens now?” Could he leave? Did he want to leave?

I’m sorry lover, I’m sorry I bring you down
Well these days I try, and these days I tend to lie

Adam Some things you do just to see how bad they'll make you feel Sometimes you try to freeze time 'til the slots are a blur of spinning wheels Pet was often hard to predict, especially when it came to emotional situations; Adam was unsure how he'd react (he worried that Pet would default to just allowing it all, and he'd have to push them apart further). When the arms around him suddenly pulled away, Adam feeling the cold on his back emotionally if not physically, it was a surprise. He didn't turn to look at Peter though, kept staring ahead and down, as if looking at the cushions before him long enough would bring some kind of answer. The question was plain and practical and difficult. There was a long pause, Adam trying to decide if he could even live with himself if Pet decided to stay. Decided to hang on to see what the next disaster was. "...I guess that's up to you, bab-- Peter." He began to turn but decided he didn't want to see Pet's face and ended up gazing at the wall. "Something about coming back, about being different...I don't know, it's fucking me up. I don't know what I want or who I am and I can't relax at all." Without any of the chemical reliefs he'd grown so used to over the years, Adam was struggling to manage the hundreds of impulses, memories, ideas, that cropped up in his head over and over. "I can't promise this isn't gonna happen again and I do love you but I can't-- I'm scared to stay with you--" It wasn't fair to drag Pet down with him on this breakdown, especially as he seemed to be adjusting to life again pretty well. "...I think you're better off without me. We..could maybe still hang out, I'd like that, but...I dunno if you're gonna want to be stuck with me. I'm totally fucked in the head right now." But I am just a broken machine And I do things that I don't really mean

PETER

Pet listens to Adams words, to the explanation, silent and still. It’s all so perfectly crafted to spare his feelings, to be gentle. It only makes everything worse, far more painful. Like Adams already made his decision, like he knows what he wants, now it’s simply Pet’s job to choose the right thing to free them both.

”Oh.” Pet says stupidly, his brows pulling together.

”Oh.” Pet says softly, his eyes growing distant, and his arms pulling in close to his chest.

Standing suddenly, back straight and gaze still far, far away, Pet nods, as if that means anything at all. ”I think... I think...” He doesn’t know what he thinks. He knows his chest aches, he knows there’s nothing but numbness in his head, he knows that the only thing that falls off his lips is a question he doesn’t want answered. Is a question that he needs answered. ”Do... d-do you love her more... more than me?”

I’m sorry lover, I’m sorry I bring you down
Well these days I try, and these days I tend to lie

Adam Some things you do just to see how bad they'll make you feel Sometimes you try to freeze time 'til the slots are a blur of spinning wheels All Pet had to say at first was 'Oh', the repeat of the shock making Adam curl further in on himself and sigh, wishing he could somehow do all of this without hurting Pet. That he could take away anyone giving a shit about him so he could work out his messes without collateral damage. The Voice wasn't about to give him that privilege though, so all he could do was wait for Peter to actually speak. He turned when Pet stood up, waiting for the verdict, far more anxious than he had ever been in any of his actual trials. When a question came instead Adam was thrown, especially when it absorbed into his head and he had to come up with an answer. The immediate one in his mind was I don't know, but that sounded awful, and the more he thought about it the more he realised it wasn't really true. "I...love you more, but...it's not...it's not easy to compare like that. It's like...with you it's..quiet and peaceful and calm and grown up and all this shit I can't do. With Amalia it's...I guess, more exciting?" Adam shook his head, sure he was still saying all the wrong things. "I love you Pet. I really do. I'm not making it up and it was never fake. But...I...I can't stop fucking it all up." Genuinely looking downtrodden and depressed, he sighed and poked at the floor. But I am just a broken machine And I do things that I don't really mean

PETER

For a single breathless second, Pet lets himself be hopeful, let’s himself cling to the words like a buoy. But they don’t last. There’s a but, there’s always a but. And with each step they take beyond it, Pet’s stomach drops another handful of inches, into a deep pit.

Pet is already wounded, already lost adrift, alone, in a dark and unfamiliar sea. With Amalia it’s more exciting? That is simply a kick in the teeth, a knife driven into his back, the shove out into the deeps. It shouldn’t be possible for him to deaden anymore, and yet somehow he does, falling into that deathlike ascended stillness, his gaze so dostant he doesn’t even see Adam at all anymore.

Whatever words come after that don’t matter, don’t register at all. Pet knows that what he feels right now is bad, worse if he lets it point at people, though that is an issue he knows how to solve. Without a word, without so much as a backwards glance, Pet turns, and walks out of the room, out of the Slagveld entirely.

Fin ;~;

I’m sorry lover, I’m sorry I bring you down
Well these days I try, and these days I tend to lie