He arched a brow at her pouting and pessimism over the ego of Outlanders and Naturals. "Tempers are running high," he agreed mildly. "But the problem is always that the actions of a few can result in consequences for an entire group. The actions of a few Northhaveners can result in all Outlanders being at risk, whether we supported their assault or not. And the anger of a few Naturals feels particularly poignant when those upset are friends and loved ones. But no group is a monolith," he reminded her gently. "Even the Northhaveners, though since so many from that world came through at once it's hard for those of us from other worlds not to feel a bit... overwhelmed by their numbers," he tried to explain.
Isuma, however, was having none of this sadness on her watch, and she Reep!ed happily at the kisses, wings fluttering as she tried to crawl up onto Phoebe's shoulder to rub her face against the girl's cheek.
Her answer to his not-quite rhetorical questions earned at first a slow nod at hearing that she had nothing she really wanted to change about Emmett - and then a shake of his head when she said she was selfish, but he didn't speak to interrupt her until she was finished. He let the silence sit while he thought, trying to find the right words to help, but wary that, since he didn't know Phoebe well, that he might make things worse. "It doesn't sound like either of you was the 'problem,'" he said at last, speaking slowly as he tucked his herbal away into a pouch at his side. Herbs could be gathered later; this wasn't a conversation to be had quickly or with any rush. "What happened at Long Night hurt you both." Hurt almost everyone, in some way or another, large or small. "The ones to blame are the ones that killed his family - whether ghosts or beasts or whatever the Long Night demons are," he added with a grimace, the mystery one that had become less pressing in light of the Spire's guardian falling. "They were the problem. And no one is 'prepared' to deal with trauma like that. Not him, and not you, either. I think..." The bard paused, looking to the girl and the gryphlet who peeped softly in her ear to try and cheer her up. "What is the first rule of being a healer?" he asked her gently, though this time it really was rhetorical. "Healer, heal thyself. You can't help anyone else if you are too injured to continue. You both needed support and a chance to recover before you could support someone else - and you were both too hurt, emotionally, to be that support for each other." He reached up to catch at Isuma's tail, letting its fluffy length pull lightly through his fingers. "It wasn't your fault. Nor was it his. Though that doesn't excuse his lashing out without thinking at the Spire," he added with a grimace. "Any more than it excuses Rory. But he was likely lashing out at the first target he could latch his pain on to - and didn't consider that you were included in an irrational 'Outlanders' rhetoric. He might have been mad at the ones attacking the Spire and wasn't eloquent enough to specify... or perhaps he even dislikes most Outlanders, except for a special few." The loreseeker shrugged helplessly, looking to Phoebe with a wry smile. "I don't know him, though, so these are only guesses. You are better able to tell if any of them are close to the mark."
"Great, so I am doubly awful because I am Outlander and Northavener." she said with a quiet sigh, seeming to deflate with defeat. "I think its...it just seems odd to me how quickly everyone turned. I was at that meeting at the beginning of Deepfrost...people seemed unsure but no one seemed outrightly upset with Ronin's plan. I just...It all just seems very insincere to me." she said with a little shrug. "But no one cares what people like me think." she added, just above a whisper.
But the gryphon's antics elicited a small laugh from her as she clambered up onto her shoulders, rubbing her face against her cheeks. Phoebe lifted her hands to rest behind Isuma, so she couldn't fall backwards, just to be sure she stayed safe.
Healer, heal thyself.
She sighed and nodded a little, looking down at her lap. "I am not very good at that. I don't like asking for things or help..." Not in an emotional sense anyways. She asked for help all the time with physical things - moving stuff that was too heavy, building or creating things with skills she did not have; all things she could not be expected to blamed for not doing well. But emotionally? Never. Her problems certainly were nothing. Her duty was as caretaker, it was what she enjoyed most. To admit that she needed caring for, even in a small way - especially from someone she was supposed to care for - that would be a major struggle for her. Quietly she considered if any of this lashing out, the various scenarios Jigano offered, matched what she had thought she had known of Emmett. At length she shook her head.
"When I met Emmett, he didn't think in terms of Outlander and Natural. We were all just...people." she said quietly. So his sudden turn, his sudden anger and vitriol were shocking to her. She pressed her lips together and roughly wiped at her eyes. "Is it awful of me for hating Rory a little bit for causing this...for acting in anger rather than using his brain to find a peaceable solution?" she said quietly. Emmett may have been in the right mindset to be converted to this sort of hatred, but Rory was the one who had given it form and clout. She swallowed hard and wrung part of her skirt in her hands. "We've all lost everything and everyone for the most part. Now he is trying to tear apart our new relationships and chances of normalcy because...because. Because he can. Because its easy to target those who are different. I don't know." She shook her head and forced a hitch in her breath back down into her chest. "I just thought...for a moment...things might be normal again...and I'll never get that back."
The arched brow was joined by its mate as Jigano regarded the young woman with an air of surprise. ”That is not what I said, Phoebe, and well you know it,” he corrected gently. ”No, not every Northhavener, just like not every Natural, but when a few bad apples ruin the barrel, can you really be upset at other people for feeling as prickly as you do, now that it has affected you personally?” He shook his head, watching Isuma try to cheer the girl up, and felt a chill, bony finger of age slide down his spine.
”I admit, I remember that meeting… differently, I think. Rory was upset with Ronin’s plan, even then. And how many other Naturals were there? Or was it a meeting of mostly Outlanders – and more than half of them Northhaveners, even so?” he asked, not accusingly, but softly so as to jog her memory. ”Afterwards Rory was upset because he hadn’t intended the meeting to be one of attacking the spire demon. He’d called it to warn people that the demon had killed someone, meant it to be a lesson in respecting boundaries and heeding the dangers here. But… Ronin took it, and twisted it to a call to arms, instead.” The bard shrugged a little helplessly. ”Rory was buying time, delaying the attack, trying to get people to calm down and not throw their lives away in Deepfrost and hoping that time to think would cool their urge to violence and martyrdom… not agreeing to the plan.” He smiled wryly, lips quirking. ”But who cares what people like me think?” he ended gently, tossing her words back at her to see if she would catch the lesson.
He tilted her head as she admitted that she didn’t like asking for help, but as she seemed to be thinking it through he didn’t interrupt her thoughts. Hopefully, now that she was aware of it, she might be able to consider why. ”You hold yourself to a different standard than everyone else you meet,” he murmured at last. ”Think about why that is… and why it is such a disservice to yourself, good midwife.”
He fished a square of cloth from a sleeve pocket, offering it to Phoebe silently for her tears. His expression stayed calm, listening, though internally he winced at hearing that she blamed Rory. Isuma paused in her cuddling at hearing Rory’s voice said with such darkness, and catching at Jigano’s mood she Reeped quiet distress and fled the crying girl’s shoulder to hide herself behind the fall of her companion’s hair, snuggling down into his hood for comfort. ”Because he can?” Jigano repeated softly. ”Did you listen to his words at all? Emmett’s anger did not appear to be a momentary thing, either, but something that had been building over time, as Rory’s had. And Amalia’s. And Evie’s. And… well, for most of the naturals that I saw there that day. It was not ‘just this one thing’ that they were upset about. Yes, we have lost everything… but do you take no solace in thinking that, even if you can’t see your family again, that they are living their lives, finding joy, loving each other, even if they are missing you?” There was more to say but only so much he could address at once, and he needed to know how she viewed her own loss before he went much further.
"Perhaps you didn't but isn't that ultimately what the narrative will be?" she said, looking over at him. When he said bad apples she pointed at him, brows furrowing - not in anger but concentration, as he touched on the root of her anger with the situation. "But are they really bad apples, Jigano? Is that the truth? Was Ronin and everyone in that group seeking to hurt people? To cause chaos? No. That simply isn't the case. They aren't bad people. They are just...doers. But I suppose if you have lived in fear of something for three centuries doing something might seem bad." she said with a defeated sigh.
"Lots of people. You are wise, you are the leader of the Loreseekers guild, you are obviously well connected because of it...your voice has weight. I am just a midwife with stupid teenage girl problems." she said with a light huff. "People would listen to you, but you seem far from impartial which worries me..." she said, looking away again.
Why didn't she ask for help? She fell silent, looking at the grass between her feet as she thought. "Because helping others is all I am good for. Because if I died, it wouldn't really matter. The only difference I make is in helping other people. I don't matter. I don't deserve to matter. I am just a common girl who got lucky a few times but in the grand scheme of things I am just a speck of dust on the tapestry of fate that will be brushed away." she said, growing quieter as she spoke. She was a speck of dust, not even worthy of a thread in the weaving of time.
Phoebe looked at him as he spoke at length again, trying to conjure up images of her family as if it would help her empathize. But she didn't need empathy, she had a lot of it and could in many ways understand why the Naturals were upset - which really just made her more frustrated. "My family lived on the outskirts of a kingdom on the losing end of war that has been raging since before any an remember. My parents told me to pass through a portal, knowing they would never see me again, to Northaven, so I had a chance of surviving. Little villages with ample natural resources like mine are hot spot targets for invading forces, but not important enough to deem worthy of an army contingent to protect it." Tears rose in her eyes and she quickly dabbed them with the square of fabric Jigano had given her. The likelihood that her family was alive was slim to none.
”I suspect the narrative will be that the Naturals were excluded from making choices for their own land and home,” he said, voice dry. ”And that Outlanders did without much thought or care for consequences. But whether Ronin and his raiders made bad choices? That’s a question for philosophers, I suppose,” he answered, a touch of his wry humor surfacing. ”Does intention outweigh result and consequence of your actions?” He held up a finger again to forestall immediate reply. ”I’m not asking this because I expect a specific answer, Phoebe. These are questions that philosophers debate endlessly, and while some people choose one side or the other – or some combination – there is not, to my knowledge, a universally recognized ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ answer.” He tilted his head at her kindly. ”But that is the reason not everyone may agree with you on what Ronin and the others chose. Did he intend to cause chaos? Perhaps not. But when I asked him to consider the consequences of his attack being successful and the barrier coming down, he couldn’t answer – didn’t even want to think about it. So, yes, I am biased, because he went forward willfully blind and avoiding consideration of what his choices might unleash, or who might be hurt in the process. And those who followed him did the same.” He hesitated and then offered a wry nod of acknowledgment.
”And, yes, I have not had good interactions with most of the team that attacked the demon. Ronin, ironically, being the one exception,” he admitted. ”But I am also only human. If any man or woman tells you that they are completely unbiased – be wary. It’s not impossible, but it is unlikely, especially in a community as relatively small as this one.” The brow arched as he looked at her with a faint smile playing at his lips. ”And you are skilled, and well-liked, and well-connected because you know so many of those who came from Northhaven. So. The difference is that I have learned and trained to speak with the expectation that I will be listened to,” he said gently, ”and that makes people assume I am worth listening to. Confidence lends a strange sort of authority, even if you are only faking it.” As he had done for a very long time, before the act became reality at some point when he hadn’t quite realized it.
He listened to her wallow deeper and deeper into her self-pity, and when she had finished he reached out to tap a gentle finger to her forehead to get her to look up at him instead of down at the ground. ”Bullshit,” he said succinctly. ”If… hmm. Let’s say, if Sam or Remi came to you saying those things, what advice would you give them?” Because gods knew he’d dealt with similar statements from the two boys, and Phoebe seemed determined to give them a run for their money!
He listened gravely to what she had to say about her family, and understood that they lived in a dangerous situation. He nodded sympathetically, but held Isuma close and tried to soothe her distress. ”So you mourn them,” he said quietly. ”As Rory mourns his mother. As Amalia mourns her mother and grandmother. As Emmett mourns his family. And as the Naturals knew that they would be mourning friends among whoever attacked the demon. Are you mad at them for being tired of losing friends? For being angry at having their wishes ignored and more people they care for slaughtered, in spite of all their warnings?” he asked, his questions still gentle but not without purpose.
Phoebe's brow furrowed a little as Jigano spoke, holding up a finger to her to keep her from replying. Her lips pressed in a thin line and she looked down, trying to take in what he was saying. But it was a struggle for her, which was written clearly on her face. At length, there seemed to be a pause where she could finally speak, and so she looked back up at him, her expression conveying how conflicted she felt. "It sounds like you spoke to Ronin a lot, so I suppose whatever opinion you have of him is justified. But have you spoken at great length with the rest of them, or Roana specifically since she seems to be the one everyone hates now? Have you asked if she considered the consequences? If she has a plan?" she asked, curious not accusatory. Roana always had a plan in her experience. To insinuate that she didn't or hadn't even just thought ahead...it didn't sound like the woman she knew.
"But you just said how everyone hates us Northaveners so isn't being connected to them a bad thing?" she said, rather confused by that. "I don't know why I would expect anyone that isn't having a baby to listen to me." she added in a mumble.
The tap on her head made her flinch, not because it hurt but because it surprised her. She looked up, brow furrowed, and her expression only dropped more when he told her off. What would she said to Sam or Remi? "Well...I don't really know Sam that well but I would probably tell him something nice just to make him feel better because that's what I do. And Remi...he is so smart and kind and he has magic and shifts and he is strong and talented...he is in guilds and has done so much and experienced a lot...it doesn't make any sense that he doesn't matter. I don't think him and I are even remotely comparable. He is a better person than I am by leagues." she said, her shoulder slumping a little.
Phoebe waa quiet for a moment, considering his final moment. "Yes. Yes I am mad about that. Mourning loved ones like Emmett is...that's one thing. But...being mad because you warned someone that something was dangerous, and they risked and lost anyways...that isn't healthy. No one controls the decisions of other people. Ronin felt strongly enough that he was willing to risk it. No one shouls feel anything more than their grief over his loss. Their is no guilt to be had. If anything, we all should be grateful that people like Ronin exist in the world because we need them, we need people who are willing and have the ability to risk it all for everyone else's sake. Even if it's dangerous. Even if we disagree on the reasons." she said and looked up at him.
"Not a lot, no," he corrected with a wistful smile. "Though I was... dismayed... by his impulsiveness in that meeting. And the one before, in truth. Ashetta and I..." his eyes hardened for a moment, and he looked down, tickling Isuma to distract himself. "She... reacts, but I do not think she plans ahead. Remi I know much better, but he prefers to follow rather than lead. He would have trusted his friends to make the choices for him. My interaction with Roana has been brief, but... unpleasant." He shrugged. "But as she is your relation, I will leave it at that. I have no wish to stir up anger over something that cannot be changed by either of us."
"When did I say 'everyone hates Northhaveners'?" he asked gently. "You have friends you have known for years, people you trust, and at least some of your family left who will support you if you need help. You have a web of alliances that those of us who came alone can only dream of, or have had to work madly to build from scratch. That is a strength, Phoebe. Yes, some of your countrymen have made enemies, but others have made friends. But you are correct in a sideways sort of way... why would people listen to you, if you don't have confidence in yourself? You have just told me that you are smart, to be a widwife so young. You are talented, or you wouldn't have been selected to join such an elite force. You might not have magic or shifts, but did Ronin have those things?" He gave a little shrug. "I don't think Remi is that much older than you. You were both in Northhaven, yes? You both experienced the dangers of that place together? But just because Remi seems to attract trouble like iron to a lodestone doesn't make that part of him admirable," he chuckled, voice wry. "It just makes him phenomenally unlucky. Which is not something you need, not in your line of work!" Stone golems attacking the clinic or getting snowed into a cave with a patient weren't the sort of experiences he hoped she wanted, to catch up to Remi!
The alchemist was also capable of taking himself for granted just as much as Phoebe was, but the bard wasn't sure that was his tale to tell, especially since the girl seemed to know Remi much better than Jigano did... surely she knew that much about the pup?
"No one controls the decisions of other people?" he asked gently. "But isn't that what Ronin and his people did, making a decision for all of the people in this barrier, Natural and Outlander alike? When some of them strongly disagreed with his actions, that would affect everyone?" He shook his head slowly. "We are outsiders, Phoebe. We didn't ask to be here... but the people who live here didn't ask for us to come here, either. This is their world, and we have lived in it for, what? less than three seasons? Not even a full year, since the Northhaven portal opened, from what I understand. How would you feel if someone walked into Remi's shop one day, and claimed that he was doing his alchemy wrong? Oh, he was trying his best, poor thing, but it wasn't good enough? That the stranger knew more than he did, and could do it better, and had more training and, in fact, that Remi wasn't needed at all anymore, now that the stranger was there and so much better at doing than such a timid man? Oh, sure, Remi could still stay there, still use the tools when the stranger isn't using them - the stranger isn't cruel, after all. He has the best intentions. And it would be best for everyone if the stranger takes over, seeing as he knows so much more and is so much better at the job..." Jigano paused, the smallest of wry smiles tugging at the corners of his mouth, as he considered that Remi probably thought of him in the role of that putative stranger. "Would you still be grateful? Would you tell Remi to be grateful? That he should accept being brushed aside and ignored, that he shouldn't mourn or get angry over the loss of his work, the things he has trained all his life to do, all he has known?"
Ugh, Phoebe suddenly didn’t feel good. This whole situation was stressing her out and Jigano was doing nothing to make the situation any better. He was just being argumentative, speaking in hypotheticals, doing whatever he could to make her concede a point, and it made her mad. Really, quite mad. Unreasonably mad. Wonderful, mood swings already? This was going to be a joyous couple of months.
Phoebe groaned and held her head in her hands, not quite dipping it between her knees though she desperately felt like doing so. ”Would you stop trying to convince me that you are right about everything and that I am just too stupid to understand when at the same time you’re telling me I am not stupid?” she snapped at him, angry tears welling up in her eyes. ”You’ve got a lot of nerve being so critical of absolutely everyone and everything and talking like you know it all and talk, talk, talk, talk, talk but doing nothing to make it better for how smart you apparently think you are! You aren’t trying to help reconcile anything you’re just…just…bitching about all of it which just makes it worse! Maybe put your brains to some good use and try to find a common ground between people if you’re so damned smart! But last time I checked, talking about a situation like you know what’s going on when you haven’t even talked to all the major players is what ignorant people do!” Phoebe had totally lost it. His questions, his counterpoints, his poking and prodding at her had struck a nerve and sent her careening over the edge…an edge that her body was frankly in no position to take right now.
”Excuse me.” she mumbled before standing and rushing away, a familiar clenching in her stomach spurring her forward. She hurried to the nearest thicket of trees and bushes, falling to her knees before violently emptying the contents of her stomach onto the forest floor.
He had thought he might finally get through some of her stubborn self-destructive words, and the way she insisted on putting herself down. He had hoped to at least get her to acknowledge that the naturals had a reason for feeling as they did, that Rory's anger, and Emmett's, and Amalia's, and so many of the naturals who had bristled at the Spire attack had justification. She had seemed a nice young woman, and a smart one in spite of her insistence that no one listened or cared...
But the snap in her voice and the angry tears quickly dashed that notion. Blue eyes narrowed as she went from calm discussion to a ranting tirade that had Isuma staring at her with wide golden eyes filled first with concern - and then a warning hiss as she struggled in Jigano's grasp to confront this creature that was making such threatening noises towards her companion. His attention was taken by calming the little one, but Phoebe made it clear that she had no intention of listening to him - that she struck with words to hurt, to wound, to insult and goad. She didn't care that he had spoken to each of the members of the Spire Attack group in the past - or that he'd had no time to try and stop them, once he'd read the notice board and raced to witness their folly. She didn't care that he was working with Rory and Amalia to build common ground between naturals and outlanders - because, of course, he wasn't working with her Outlanders, and therefore his work was pointless to her. And that it was quiet, and slow, and not as flashy and reckless and rash as her sister-in-law seemed to operate only made things worse, in her eyes. He sighed, bowing his head in defeat, and even before she had finished he had risen, holding tight to the over-protective gryphonlet who had puffed up her fur and feathers and flexed tiny talons in a display of temper he had never seen from her before.
"No, excuse me," he said in a cool voice, giving her a short bow as she stood and then turning away at the same time she did, heading in the opposite direction with a ground-eating stride and a clenched jaw he fought to smooth away, feeling Isuma's anger melding with his own frigid temper. He had been polite, but it would seem that such was futile. Attempts to defend his opinions were met with anger by Northhaveners who didn't like disagreement--
No, that wasn't true. Isla hadn't been like that. And Edy was... well, she was Edy. But perhaps there was just too much of a fundamental difference between their worlds and backgrounds - and he was quickly losing interest and patience in trying to reach out to people who had no interest in reaching back.
As soon as he had reached a large enough tree to hide behind he shifted into his foxform without missing a step, catching Isuma up by her scruff as he stretched four long legs into a lope. His ears flicked back, catching what might have been the sounds of someone being sick, and for a moment he considered turning back...
But, no. One of the things she had accused him of was 'doing nothing' wasn't it? She would undoubtedly feel better if he allowed her to be right in her opinions of him. Besides, he was no masochist, to return to face further insult from someone who had lost all semblance of civility, or perhaps an accusation that he had made her sick! He felt guilty leaving her... but Isuma's temper tantrum took precedence as she squirmed and growled in the careful grip of his jaws, wanting to lash back at the woman who had lashed out at him. He needed to calm the gryphlet down, and he couldn't do that with Phoebe around at the moment.
With an inward sigh he turned his paws towards the glade, and the den they had called home for so long, hoping that the familiar comfort of it would help to settle her - and himself - before they had to return to the stresses of the Guildhall and the search for answers that might come too late to help anyone.
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