Reaching High

The way Remi leaned after him made Sam stop, pause, but he didn't continue forward, so he let it go. Likely a mistake, he thought. He assumed Remi would leave after he had been given permission, but then there was a moment of tense silence where the other man went through a turmoil he could not know. I just wish you had not done it. Sam's heart sunk. He couldn't let Remi just go, not after that. Because as soon as he heard those words he felt me too. He wished so fervently that the man he had been hadn't made this mistake, hadn't ended the story laid out in his diaries so abruptly. It felt odd to have to pay for the crimes of someone he felt he didn't know, but he did, and Remi was walking away, and he desperately didn't want that. He took a couple of steps forward after Remi then found himself saying out loud: "I do too. But...but does that mean we can't ever...ever do it again? I'm not..him. I don't..have the same ev..events. Leading up to what happened. Or the memories. And I..I mean I don't want to assume but--" Sam was beginning to ramble, his low self-esteem rushing in. He shook his head and carried on. "But I can tell you don't actually want to leave me, I think. Don't run...lets just talk about it. What we both want. Please?" Samuel At seventeen, I started to starve myself I thought that love was a kind of emptiness And at least I understood then the hunger I felt And I didn't have to call it loneliness

now there's a space too wide

For a moment Remi considered simply walking away. The very last thing he needed or wanted was to have Jigano appear suddenly, to see him like this with Sam in his guildhall of all places. But of course that wasn't the only reason. It hurt, to do this again and again. This might be the first time through for Sam, but for the alchemist, he had run this scenario through a thousand times. Late at night it played on a loop, in his dreams it unwound itself in an innumerable number of ways, and anytime he let his mind drift, there suddenly would be a shock of copper hair and too-blue eyes just lingering in the shallows of his mind.

But of course he did stop. Because he was who he was.

Turning his head a fraction over his shoulder to see Sam just out of the corner of his peripheral vision, he nodded gently. No. This wasn't the same Sam, though Remi wasn't sure if that made it better or worse.

"No," He agreed. "I do not." Still though, feathers appeared tousled in his hair, and his hands silently gripped into fists as if clinging to something invisible which might help him stand or lead him through this strange encounter.

"I do not know if that matters this time." He added softly, turning only slightly more so, but being able to look easily upon Sam now. "There is no undoing what has been done. I am not angry at you, because as you said, you are not the man I once knew. But it was loving me that made you into him, I think...and he..." There were no tears left, just a gentle look of hurt in Remi's pale gaze as he turned to face Sam directly again. "..I have never known betrayal like that. I have never been hurt like that before." He continued, his voice gentle, explanatory rather than looking for an apology.

What they both wanted hardly mattered anymore. You needed to have all the pieces in order to put something shattered back together, and with most of their memories turned to dust by the Voice and Ludo, there was simply not enough to work with.

that's left us with wondering eyes

Coding base by Sky!

Thankfully, Remi did stop. Sam walked a few more steps toward him but stopped short of getting close. He wanted this so badly to be a story, to be a situation where he could just rush to Remi's arms and be swept up and have the romance be fixed, have the tale in his diaries that he'd obsessively read over and over to be complete. But this was not a story and he stayed at a distance and listened. At first Remi confessed that he did not really want to leave and Sam wore a hesitant smile, which disappeared as he continued to speak. He was quiet for a moment after Remi had finished, considering and looking anywhere but the sad green eyes. "...But...if you agree that I am not him. Would this not be a fresh relationship, of sorts? It is practically like meeting someone new in the street. It could be a...a clean slate. I'm not trying to erase what I've done, but...instead of trying to cobble together what we had. We could make something new...?" It was a final stab in the dark, a last try at saving something he didn't really know, but felt was precious. "...If you think me desperate, I am sorry. I just...reading those diaries. I've never...seen my own thoughts so happy, so focused on the future and not the past. Then...when I did...that. The entry is rushed, messy. Something went awfully wrong. I want to write happy things about you again after it. And be able to say you were happy too." Samuel At seventeen, I started to starve myself I thought that love was a kind of emptiness And at least I understood then the hunger I felt And I didn't have to call it loneliness

now there's a space too wide

"But it isn't.." Remi interjected, eyes kind and the smile on his lips understanding. "When my memories were taken, it must have been difficult for you. To lose me because of a mistake. I know my apologies did little, and this must have been what it was like. A clean slate, as you say. But that is not this. I did not chose to lose you. But you chose to forget me." Swallowing down the lump in his throat, still the alchemist offered Sam a smile, as if he was trying to soften the blow of his words, despite the fact that it was he who had been wounded.

Gently Remi shook his head, care evident in the way he winced and sighed sadly. "No. Not desperate." The way Sam seemed to want to tie the situation up with a ribbon to be placed next to any other romance novel made Remi's heart plead unhappily. "Even without my memories..knowing that I loved you was almost enough. Enough to make up what it was like. Enough to forgive you for rushing me passed where I was comfortable and needing more than I could give." Glancing up with a desperate sort of weariness now, Remi bit the inside corner of his lip, brows furrowed in a silent plea to be understood.

"But you loved me, and still you did this." He continued softly, eyes falling. "I do not know how to...to do anything with you now. I will never look at you and not see that man. You could not tell me you loved me a second time, without the implications that you might well decide the same thing again." Then, perhaps more bitterly than he meant, he added: "You wrote loving me was educational. You..." His shoulders slumped with defeat. "..said I was an obligation."

that's left us with wondering eyes

Coding base by Sky!

Remi spoke and spoke, and with each word Sam realised more he was not capable of fixing this. People with far more social intelligence than he would be struggling. As it was, with his limited experiences with complex interpersonal issues and his core emotionality, he had no chance of saying the right combination of words to get Remi to stay. "...I'm...you're right. I'm sorry. It's just...when you're stood close to me, I'm struck by a desire to kiss you, and it feels wrong to deny that if you feel it too. But...let's..I mean..you are justified. To not want to. Not that you need a justification. I..." He pushed a hand through his hair, his tone distracted and quiet as he tried to sort out his mind and speak at the same time. "I'm sure I've told you before how new all of this is...was ...to me. And I don't know how to handle large...anythings, really, but especially emotions." Despite the lack of his stutter nowadays Sam still paused frequently in his speech, seemed to hesitant before each word as if unsure it still meant what he thought it did. "What I did had more to do with my...inability. Than you. Perhaps that's not comforting but what I mean is...there is not one cruel word about you in my diaries, Remi. Nothing was done from malice. Just...I don't know how to...do this." He wasn't really sure why he was talking anymore. Sam fully expected Remi to leave, wasn't looking for the rekindling he'd hoped for. He was just saying his thoughts out loud, fingers grabbing onto the ends of his sleeves tight and his eyes fixed on the floor. "I'm sorry. Dealing with me, on top of coming from Northaven and Ronin and all of it. It must be too much." Samuel At seventeen, I started to starve myself I thought that love was a kind of emptiness And at least I understood then the hunger I felt And I didn't have to call it loneliness

now there's a space too wide

...and it feels wrong to deny that if you feel it too.

And so he did. Or rather, didn't. Stepping forward in an easy pace that eliminated the space between them, one of Remi's hands, sure and strong, reached forward to tangle in Sam's hair. It was meant as much to protect the back of his head as Remi's body forced him back against the shelf, as it was to keenly pull Sam towards him. Cutting off the words Remi tried to silence the bookmaker with his lips, eyelashes fluttering down to prevent unshed tears from disappearing down his cheeks.

His body roused and butterflies that quickly turned to fire flit through his system. The flush of colour on his cheeks caused by emotional turmoil now flared brighter, his fingers coiling against the back of Sam's head confident and yet somehow still gentle. His other hand snaked around the small of Sam's back, insistent but kind even as his breath became ragged and he pulled back with a swift and surprised inhale.

For a moment he just breathed, confused by the sudden nearness of Sam and the tingle on his lips.

"Nothing can change the past."

that's left us with wondering eyes

Coding base by Sky!

Sam gave out a surprised gasp as he was suddenly so close to Remi, the other man apparently growing tired of the tension between them and giving in, rushing forward. A hand in his hair guided him in what to do, not that Sam needed much instruction anyway; instinct or muscle memory or something led him to press into the kiss, arms coming up to snake around Remi's neck and his whole body leaning forward into Remi. When Remi spoke at first Sam didn't even really understand the words, eyes wide and mind blank from the all-encompassing, spontaneous kiss. It took a moment for them to come to him, Sam blinking a couple of times. When he did understand them he wasn't sure how to respond, the sentiment seemingly at odds with the passion of the kiss Remi had just thrust upon him. "No..." He agreed, his voice low and soft. "But...this...isn't the past, right?" Hoping that would do...whatever it was that had made Remi want him again, he leaned in for another kiss, a light brush of his lips against Remi's - a question, more than anything. Samuel At seventeen, I started to starve myself I thought that love was a kind of emptiness And at least I understood then the hunger I felt And I didn't have to call it loneliness

now there's a space too wide

Distantly Remi heard himself moan softly, almost a whine in the back of his throat. It was soft, but it was there. A reverie of times past, times that his body remembered, and that his mind wanted to forget.

Almost hating the way he was the only one softly panting, Remi tried to slow his breathing by holding his breath. As Sam spoke the fingers on his lower back tensed slightly, as if amazed there was a body beneath the fabric at all, still so shocked that he'd found his way back here again.

"No.." Remi agreed, his lips parting and pressing against Sam's, but not quite kissing him. It was like he was trying to say something, but the words wouldn't come out. His lips opened, the tangle of facial hair making soft scratching sounds as Remi breathed a disbelieving and uncertain breath.

The hand around Sam tightened even as Remi's body tensed and threatened to pull away.

The breath he'd been holding shuddered from his lips. "I do not know you..." He whispered, lips still against Sam's. "You are not the man I loved.." A statement, not a judgement. His tongue tasting the horizon of Sam's lower lip. "I do not know what I am doing."

He needed to stop.

He needed...

..to..

...he..

that's left us with wondering eyes

Coding base by Sky!

As the hand on his back tensed Sam leaned further forward into Remi, let his hands reach up to tangle in the other man's hair. This was his second kiss in memory, somewhat more of a dual effort than the first ripped from him by Nate in this very hall; Sam had very little idea of what he was doing but his body filled in the blanks for him just like Remi's did, his eyes fluttering closed as Remi stayed close, their lips interlocked but not truly together. "I could be..someone new." He whispered, still unsure of what quite to say. But he wanted so badly what he'd described in his own writings, what he had thrown away in a moment of impulse that he regretted. When he was like this with Remi he could feel something he never remembered feeling before: passion. There was a tongue run over his lip and Sam gasped, surged in to chase it, kissing Remi hard and messily. One of his hands fell down to clasp at the back of Remi's shirt, a simple request: Don't leave. Samuel At seventeen, I started to starve myself I thought that love was a kind of emptiness And at least I understood then the hunger I felt And I didn't have to call it loneliness

now there's a space too wide

The alchemist shook his head only a fraction of an inch, but still his lip swayed over Sam's. "I do not want you to be someone knew." He whispered. What he wanted was to go back in time. To keep himself from yelling at Sam and telling him to leave. To let himself be smothered and fussed over as it was apparently what Sam had needed, even though it was not what Remi had. But had he done that, perhaps Sam would have never made the choice that he had. But then, strangely, a memory came to him. A memory of Ludo on that strange night where he had been forever changed. The cloaked god had said that everyone always had a choice. Those words had been scolding before, but now they settled in the dark places in Remi's mind like a consolation.

The sudden pressure against his lips made Remi moan softly, his lips parting and his tongue echoing Sam's own. The hand curling low against his back an invitation that his hips wanted to hastily accept despite how his mind made his limbs stay where they were. "I do not think I can forget...I..." His voice trailed off, his heart grief-stricken and his body awash in confusing emotions.

He couldn't forget but he didn't want to leave. And the tug of war that pulled him in opposite directions, one saying he was a fool for staying, the other saying to hell with it all, was unbearable.

that's left us with wondering eyes

Coding base by Sky!

Sam said nothing at first, unsure of how to answer. He knew that Remi didn't want him or at least, not this him. But he was the one here who desperately wanted to be needed, to be touched and loved the way he'd robbed himself the memories of. He was the one willing to devote himself to Remi, help him in anything just for the chance to say he'd done it. He'd fixed one of his many awful mistakes. There were other reasons too, of course. Reasons like the sweet taste of Remi's lips and the warmth of the hands on his body, the way he knew what to do as if he'd already learnt the steps to the dance; lean up, a leg pressed just slightly between Remi's, fingers lightly stroking his scalp, eyes flicking up to look into Remi's as he went for more kisses. But...still. This was no good if Remi did not truly want it. It pained him but he pulled back just an inch, looked as serious as he could given the position they were in. "Do you need to forget to know me now?" It was a question asked flatly, without judgement, an answer Sam needed to know before they continued. Samuel At seventeen, I started to starve myself I thought that love was a kind of emptiness And at least I understood then the hunger I felt And I didn't have to call it loneliness

now there's a space too wide

"I do not know." Remi replied, keenly feeling the way Sam had pulled back against the bookshelf. The hand tangled in his hair slowly unfurled itself, Remi's fingertips resting against the ladder he'd made. Taking a breath Remi too leaned back, straightened somewhat. He looked down at Sam, the confusion and concern evident in his expression.

"I know you have said we could make new memories and start over...but...there is something important about the fact that this is not new. That we...that...that.." Mental images of what it must have been like to have sex with Sam for the first time, what it must have been like to hold hands, and wake up together and all the things Remi was sure that they had done...Slowly he shook his head. "It matters to me that there was a past. That this was not the first time we have kissed." Taking a further step back, his mind clearing slightly and his blood running a few degrees colder than it had been, Remi tried to understand but he simply couldn't.

"I do not know how to do this, Sam. I do not know how to know you for a third time. I do not know how to forget certain things and to remember others."

Pulling back another step, Remi swiped a hand across his eyes, grinding his teeth together and wanting very much to suddenly pull all the books down from the shelves in one sweet of physical strength and magic, as if that might be enough to drain whatever it was inside of him bursting to get out.

that's left us with wondering eyes

Coding base by Sky!

Sam had run out of arguments, of pleas, and Remi moved back away from him. He sighed and looked down, hugged himself. Shame bled down onto his head as well as loneliness, the knowledge that he would never have this. Couldn't have this, not when the obstacle course of his communication skills met the flood of Remi's swirling thoughts and emotions. "...I see. I will not force you to me, Remi. But.." He wasn't sure what to say, but the part of him that still hoped did the speaking. "Maybe...consider. Consider this. Us. Over the next few days..and..as a favour to me. I imagine you are still carrying the letter I wrote you before. Would you consider destroying it? I would like to think it is not representative of myself or us, not truly." Whether this instruction would actually be followed out he wasn't sure, but he had to ask. "Could you come to see me, when you have thought on this? I would wait for you." Samuel At seventeen, I started to starve myself I thought that love was a kind of emptiness And at least I understood then the hunger I felt And I didn't have to call it loneliness

now there's a space too wide

For once, Sam did the right thing. Though Remi couldn't remember all the times he hadn't, all the times he'd missed the mark on what the alchemist so desperately needed and wanted, this time, it was precisely in tune with the ringing of Remi's heart.

"I do not even know why I carry it." Remi said, a hand ghosting over his pocket, then thinking better and reaching out towards one of Sam's, if he'd let him gently take it. "I will." Remi agreed with a boyish and small smile, his eyes almost nervous looking to find the bookmakers.

"It is all...just so much. And I do not know what I want, or..what I should want or do." He added, giving Sam's hand a small squeeze. "But I will think. And I will come to see you again." Remi agreed with another desperate sort of smile.

that's left us with wondering eyes

Coding base by Sky!