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+---- Thread: [SE] Not Forever, but For Now (/showthread.php?tid=10761)
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RE: Not Forever, but For Now - Lena - 03-07-2025
She tried to keep the pathways memorized, the bits and pieces known; of where she could send letters or make visits, where for a few instances the world wouldn’t feel so out of place. Nodding along at the outlines, she bit at her lip again, holding back a thousand other thoughts and feelings – most emotional, some beyond the shades of heartbreak and into the more pragmatic (couldn’t he have the done the same here?) But she knew and understood enough not to argue the point; the need to feel safe sometimes overrode everything else. An instinctual, inherent pull – no one needed to be a prey animal to understand that.
She finally took second to glance upward and meet his eyes – what she saw there made her want to peel away – and she breathed lightly, hoped it didn’t fracture or catch. [say]“Sure. I’m going to try and meet up with some others there too.” [/say]A divide and conquer sort of plan that sounded like more than just trial, error, and hope, forged and rolled into one. [say]“Maybe by then we’ll be successful,”[/say] and she tried to wink, to make it light and airy – trainings committed, strength resounded, something not to bitterly broken and altered.
RE: Not Forever, but For Now - Zavien - 03-08-2025
He might have thought the playful wink sincere if not for the earlier tears or the strain pulling at her face. It wasn't any different than what he was trying to do, push aside the dread and heartbreak with humor; but it felt different when she did it. Zavien couldn't say why, yet it ate away at him with each passing moment.
Uncertain what else to do, he tried to feed the hope, smiling softly. [say]"I believe in you."[/say] Because if nothing else, he could trust in her determination to help and make a difference. Even nature had to give in eventually. It was one of the reasons he'd fallen in love with her. [say]"It's a date then."[/say] And with that decided, he turned back to the sunrise with a sip of his steaming mug. It tasted too bitter now, and he wondered if he should have added something to it - or if the taste wasn't the coffee's fault.
Zavien lapsed into silence as the sun continued to creep up the horizon. Like before, the silence felt potent with dread and unspoken words. His fingers fidgeted with the handle of the mud. The stillness of his body and mind were fleeing quickly, his heart beginning to race against his tightening chest. Finally, he couldn't take it any longer. [say]"Lena... do you think I'm making a mistake?"[/say] Maybe he was looking for validation, or maybe he just wanted to know her true opinion, but either way, he needed to know, otherwise he would just keep wondering.
RE: Not Forever, but For Now - Lena - 03-08-2025
Gods, every time he offered her some sentiment in return all she wanted to do was cry. Something felt very broken, raw, and real, scraping against her chest, contorting around her pulse. It was an amalgamation of misgivings, apprehension, and distortions for him, and half a dozen other tremors and distinctions of emotional zeals reeling through her heart. [say]“I think all your feelings are rational.”[/say] She couldn’t imagine the detrimental wake of dying, and then being brought back – the fear, the hesitation, the disbelief in one’s power and distinction, and how quickly things could go awry. She’d seen it enough times, simply in the wake of wars, or pulling family out of rubble and ruin, to comprehend the lapse of loss – just never of her own soul. [say]“And I understand why you don’t want to become stronger here.”[/say] Where the Family loomed, breathed, and presided, frightening, terrifying, and horrifically bending people to their will. She just couldn’t do the same.
Responsibility had kept her tied and tethered amidst the ancient stones and the celestial gardens, and likely would until she breathed her last. If she were to do the same as him, it would be abandoning those who needed, required, her constant and unending aid. It would be defying a god’s role placed upon her shoulders. It would be an act that Lena simply couldn’t commit; no matter who sat along the throne. She swallowed down so many other things, but not this one. Not this time. Something had to make sense in all the ether and smoke. [say]“But I think the lack of cohesion between any of us, all of us, is exactly what they want. The moments where we drift apart from our friends, our families – it’s so easy to take us apart.”[/say] Maybe she’d been foolish, to believe their efforts hadn’t been in vain, that the three of them, and so many other dragoons, had made worthwhile teams. Striving together. [say]“You could always train elsewhere, and then return home, instead of staying away for much longer-,”[/say] and she cut herself off, beginning to wrangle her hands around her mug.
But she didn’t want to be unreasonable, and she wasn’t going to ask him to completely defy everything his mind told him. [say]“Because I guess…when do you come back then?”[/say] When would it be enough? Months? Seasons? Years?
RE: Not Forever, but For Now - Zavien - 03-08-2025
The dance of tiptoeing and skirting topics was finally over. He'd certainly asked for her honesty, but Zavien hadn't been expecting what came from her mouth, the way it made him feel so small. 'Rational' wasn't necessarily a word he wanted to hear from someone he cared about, who he thought cared for him. It felt more like reluctant understanding than loving support, his heart withering a little at the way it made him feel more like an invalid than a partner. She continued on, only making the pain and guilt worsen. Unconscious or not, his arm slowly fell from her shoulder, head lowering as he listened to every piece of damning evidence. He couldn't argue with any of her points, agreeing that they were better as a team, fighting together against the world collapsing around them. Yet, wasn't that why he'd asked her to come with him? Why he planned to hop from friend to friend throughout Caido? Why he was trying to get stronger?
Zavien was silent, rubbing his own mug like a genie might appear to fix everything, but when nothing happened, he was left to answer the questions on his own. His voice was quieter, less certain as he said, [say]"I don't have an answer for that. I would hope it's not more than a month, but..."[/say] He brought his shoulders up in a shrug, suddenly losing the warmth he'd had moments before, leaving him cold and tired. [say]"I guess I'll just know when the time's right..."[/say] He stared into his mug, willing it to somehow return the moment that had been stolen, the heart that had been beating in his chest but moments before.
Feeling like he had to defend himself for some reason, he swallowed down the sour dread in his throat. [say]"I won't always be gone. I'll still need to check in with the Dragoons - but I can't justify staying here like a sitting target, just hoping that the family doesn't notice me while I'm like this."[/say] Weak. His body may have healed, but he needed to refortify his mind and find out what lingering effects may have resulted from his injuries. It was like bleeding into the water, hoping the shark wouldn't bite. It wasn't in their nature, and if they had a chance to eliminate someone they found a thread, in their own city, why wouldn't they? That made him - and everyone associated with him - a target. He wouldn't risk that.
RE: Not Forever, but For Now - Lena - 03-08-2025
She didn’t expect his shoulder to drop out from underneath her, for her honesty to be met with something cold. Maybe this was why she’d barely voiced it at all. Moments later she felt herself pressing against the railing, body wholly stiffened, hands clutching hold of the mug to receive the rest of the dissipating warmth. [say]“It felt like you decided on things before you even told me what happened. I had barely any chance to recover from -,”[/say] she stopped, took a breath, tried not to fumble around in her feelings. She’d been expected to drop everything she’d ever worked on or towards, and shortly after being told he’d been killed. To accomplish what? When would they be strong enough to muster opportunities for vengeance against the Family? The void? She wasn’t giving in or giving up hope, but there were other ways to combat these horrible, terrible people, and brute force hadn’t done them much good in the interim. [say]“None of that was decided on together.” [/say]Hadn’t she asked for more time? Moments to process? Opportunities for discussion and thought and rationality, away from the dirge of death?
Just ‘knowing when the time was right’ made her head hang low, and she glanced from stone to stone, little green shoots rising from an impending garden. Wondering what it meant if they were all just sitting ducks. Or if they were simply ignored, pebbles in the Family’s shoes. Their adversaries were already stronger than the demigods they had within Caido. She just didn’t see the point of tearing one another apart, angling in different directions, when they could’ve been forging in ways that might’ve been applicable, and far more likely to cause a shift. [say]“I’m not stopping you. You asked my opinion, and I don’t think it’s the best strategy we could be taking.”[/say] But in the end, it didn’t seem to matter, and maybe that hurt a little more too. The Family could find him, any of them, anywhere they pleased, and they'd be so far apart, scattered, and separated, that the void could fold over them like a veil.
RE: Not Forever, but For Now - Zavien - 03-08-2025
Why did it feel like they were fighting all of a sudden? Lena felt distant and cold, yet he could sense the pain in her words like an echo of his own heart. Where he needed a gentle touch and a shoulder to cry on, he felt accused and rejected for what others had told him was right - and necessary - for his mental health. It made him want to cry and rip at his own heart just to stop the bleeding.
Pressing his face into his hand, he tried to keep the broken emotions at bay. [say]"'Strategy?' Lena, that's the farthest thing from my mind right now."[/say] He shook his head, trying to figure out how to make her understand the agony tearing him apart from the inside. [say]"I'm sorry if I made you feel like I didn't value your opinion, but staying isn't an option for me right now."[/say]
Zavien's voice strengthened for a moment as he said, [say]"I want to eventually come home, and I will, but I - "[/say] He took a stuttering, shaky breath. [say]"I'm not okay, Lena."[/say] His voice broke around the words, frayed and rattled. How could she not see the way being in Stormbreak was eating away at him? Every movement was paranoid and measured - scared. Every night was filled with nightmares. He felt weak and hollow no matter what he did or how many times he tried to smile through it. If only so she might know, he rambled on, laying bare everything that she might not see, [say]"I - I have phantom pains and - and nightmares and - crippling fear that doesn't let me think."[/say] The passion and desperation of his words ripped at his throat, begging her to notice that this wasn't something he could push aside for the sake of 'logic' and 'strategy.' [say]"Staying here will only make it worse, being alone will only make it worse, so I'm left trapped in the middle of this no-win situation."[/say] Suffer or suffer.
He finally looked back to her, ignoring the way the rising sun highlighted the raw agony of his emotions shining in his eyes. [say]"What would you have me do?"[/say] Would she really tell him that he should break himself apart at the seams, sacrifice his sanity, just to stay in Stormbreak?
RE: Not Forever, but For Now - Lena - 03-09-2025
She hadn’t accused or rejected him of anything, yet there they were, trying to forge around this massive rift. Her eyes went downward again, like everything she said became construed into something it wasn’t; all the warmth and delight seeping out of her like a vice. She sat there momentarily like a stone, trying to piece and parse through the webs and heartbreak and devastation, out of her depths and elements. [say]“I didn’t-,”[/say] she started, and then choked back on a sob, and she placed the mug somewhere behind her just so it didn’t break and shatter when she clutched it too hard.
And now she’d somehow made him feel like he had no support. Like she’d done nothing at all.
How many times had she cast aside everything she’d ever been for another? How many times had she forgiven, and simply loved? How many times had she walked on eggshells and remained the gentle figure, trying her best to calm and soothe the flames, rather than fan them? But here, in this situation where she’d had no opportunity to mourn or grieve him before he was back and changed, altered, before her eyes – she felt useless. A flag, a banner, tied uselessly in the wind. She could feel the panic rising in her throat once more, the shortening breaths, the induced trepidation miring its way through her ribs. She swallowed down several more buoying, lancing properties barbing their way down her throat, coming up empty. [say]“I know, I understand that-,”[/say] or at least, the value and length of trauma. Not in this instance, but enough to comprehend the weight.
[say]“I don’t know what to do for you,”[/say] she offered finally, turning towards him, instead of into herself. Her hands went of their own accord, to wrap somewhere around his neck in a long, sad embrace, hiding her tears in his shoulder. [say]“But not once have I asked you to stay. Don’t ask for my thoughts, and then consider me heartless.”[/say] She was just adrift in a wide open sea like the rest of them; trying and striving to salvage anything from the wreckage. [say]“I want you to do what’s best for you. I just think we’re all stronger together.”[/say] And maybe she was wrong. Maybe that’s what all this was. [say]“I’m terrified, Zavien. Of losing you again. Of losing anyone. What if you’re out there and-,” [/say]she didn’t finish. She was certain his thoughts had done enough of that.
RE: Not Forever, but For Now - Zavien - 03-09-2025
Setting aside his own mug, he wrapped his arms around Lena to pull her tighter. It seemed to staunch the bleed of his heart, although part of him still broke on the inside. Burying his own head in her shoulder, his eyes and voice were wet with emotion, cracking under the strain. [say]"I'm sorry, Lena. I'm so sorry."[/say] For being weak and failing her, for making her feel so helpless, for dying. He couldn't say it enough. He'd screwed everything up, and he'd somehow placed all of that weight on her shoulders. He'd wanted her to support him without question, to trust him to know what he needed to heal. Anything to the contrary rubbed against his raw emotions.
Clutching to her, he heaved a deep breath to clear the dampness from his words. [say]"I don't think you're heartless."[/say] If anything, she had too much heart, spreading her compassion amongst the world without prejudice or reward. Yet, he'd made her feel the opposite, and it just proved how broken he was. Closing his eyes against any lingering pride, Zavien confessed, [say]"I just can't look past my own emotions right now. I'm sorry."[/say] It sounded like a pathetic excuse, and he shook his head to try rattling free the words that might convey it all. [say]"Everything hurts and nothing makes sense. I just need to clear my head of Stormbreak so I can focus on what matters."[/say] He hoped she understood that 'Stormbreak' meant the city and the residing leadership rather than her. She was the thing that mattered.
But just in case she didn't, Zavien pulled back to meet her eyes, holding her face in his hands. [say]"I care about you. And I won't leave you here alone for long."[/say] He didn't say those momentous words that she'd balked at before, but they resonated in his chest all the same, hoping to act as a beacon between them in the storm. [say]"Because this, you, us is all that seems to push back the darkness."[/say]
RE: Not Forever, but For Now - Lena - 03-09-2025
Clutched tightly against him, she still trembled. They were all shaking parts of a greater, helpless whole: sorrow, for him, for them, for Koa, for anyone still caught in these traps and snares, terror, love, compassion, and heartache, the veins of uncertainty so crystal clear she could feel them beating in time with her pulse. [say]“I’m sorry,”[/say] she uttered against his shirt, already mottled with her tears, feeling despondent and pathetic, nothing to do, nothing to gain, nothing else but loss coating the moment. She didn’t even know what she was apologizing for anymore; all of it seemed to conflate upon ineptitude and journeys she couldn’t take, on nightmares plaguing him and that overbearing, overwhelming sense of grief for things already returned.
Then her face was in his hands, and she gulped down another layer of bile gnarling its way down her throat. [say]“I know, I just-,”[/say] she didn’t have the words nor the meaning, and perhaps couldn’t comprehend it herself. The unknown was a vast, hurtling force, and while once she would’ve been curious about its ramparts, nowadays it just felt sickening and ill; tarnished by parasitic Families no one had asked for. [say]“I’ll be here,”[/say] she honored and promised, still clutching at his clothes for something tangible, because that’s all she really had left.
RE: Not Forever, but For Now - Zavien - 03-09-2025
Her promise sealed a piece of his heart, giving him some stability despite its trembling heartbeats. Not everything was solved or fixed, but Zavien did his best to reseal the dread and uncertainty that had tainted their last morning together. They would see each other again. He would make sure of it. And he would do everything in his power to guarantee her safety, even if he had to take on the world to do so.
Placing a soft, tear-stained kiss against her forehead, he pulled her tight against his chest again.[say]"We'll get through this, Lena."[/say] They had to. And as the sun continued its journey up, Zavien clung to her, trying to protect what little peace they might be able to scrounge together during their last few moments. In silence and soft sobs, he focused on Lena and the hope of having her in his arms again soon.
[FIN]