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+---- Thread: how do I mourn what never lived (/showthread.php?tid=10702)
RE: how do I mourn what never lived - Elizabeth - 03-02-2025
Maea's placement of herself made sense. Elizabeth was just relieved she hadn't placed herself in the 'monster' category. That would mean they would have a lot of work ahead of them. By being somewhere in the middle, it may be easier to guide the Ancient away from the ledge.
Shrugging her shoulders, she set down her mug with a tilted head and a soft hum. [say]"I suppose so, but in order for you to be a 'monster,' you would have to stop caring about others, to be so enthralled by your own desires that you don't care. Whereas I hear a 'predator' who only hunts or harms when necessary, because you've already proven to me that you do care about others."[/say] She leaned forward to present her bandaged hand between them, the cloth securely in place. Tapping the fabric, she explained, [say]"When you wrapped my hand, you could have said 'no' or done so roughly, but your touch was gentle and kind. You wanted to help me, and you were good at it."[/say] Her eyes lifted to meet Maea, genuine honesty glowing in their brown depths. [say]"Those aren't the actions of a monster. In fact, your own internal confliction proves that you care too much to ever let yourself become what you fear."[/say] Because it was obvious what Maea feared, she feared the 'monstrous' urges she had would make her a 'monster.'
Giving her a warm, encouraging smile, Elizabeth spoke softly, [say]"You just have to learn to trust yourself. Trust that your humanity will guide your actions, telling you what is right and wrong."[/say] For some people, the line shifted throughout their life, however, it always came back to that internal compass, that self-identity and morals. It wasn't something she could dictate or determine. That was something Maea had to discover for herself. [say]"Sometimes it may be more difficult to decipher, but that's when you have to listen to your feelings."[/say] Listen and reflect just like they'd talked about. It's what everything eventually came back to: self-analysis and understanding.
RE: how do I mourn what never lived - Maea - 03-02-2025
Her gaze fell to the bandaged hand. Blinking slowly, she wanted to shrug off the point, because how could a simple favor be evidence of anything? Anyone would do that. Except... Except Elizabeth was telling her not everyone would. It was a lot to wrap her mind around. Something inside her fought against the notion of being normal, that her situation was not beyond salvation. It felt... raw, in a way. Like she had worried on a loose tooth for so long that the absence of it grew uncomfortable. Like the tongue kept returning to prod tender flesh, so her mind kept prodding, searching for sore spots and reasons for objection.
None came. What followed instead was a dull ache in her chest, a stinging in her eyes bringing them off, out the window and around the cafe until she managed to compose herself. Maea didn't even know if it was relief or disappointment for finding the corner she'd painted herself into wasn't without exits after all.
Fidgeting with the faded burn scars on her hands, Maea bit at her lips.
[say]"How... do I learn that? Trusting myself? I've thought I was doing good things in the very recent past. But they blew up in my face, putting others at risk. Hurting worse when I wanted to help. Even if I'm not a monster, I don't feel as though I've done anything good either..."[/say] Confidently incorrect, was the term. The best intentions didn't matter if her actions did harm.
RE: how do I mourn what never lived - Elizabeth - 03-02-2025
Something seemed to click in Maea, a door unlocking in the recesses of her mind. She just had to find the strength to step through and embrace it, to trust herself. Elizabeth offered a gentle smile as she said, [say]"It takes time with yourself, learning what it is you value and how that impacts your actions."[/say] As sucky as it sounded, there was no quick path to trust. Just like any relationship, building trust within took time and repeated actions to provide a baseline of understanding.
The second matter was a more complicated topic, but something that Elizabeth had heard time and again. It was a fear of failure.
Cradling her mug between her hands, her smile became tinged with sadness. [say]"Just because we're doing something inherently 'good' or with good intentions, doesn't mean it's excluded from human error. We make miscalculations. We make mistakes. That doesn't mean that our actions were wrong or 'evil.'"[/say] If only good intentions were enough to ensure success, and bad intentions failure. But alas, the world was a complicated place, and things weren't fair. [say]"Sometimes, things just don't work out the way we planned, and we have to learn to absolve ourselves from any lingering guilt or shame, because we're human, dealing with other humans who have complex feelings and reactions, in a world that doesn't play by the rules."[/say] She shrugged her shoulders, dismissing the responsibility that some chose to carry for the things she couldn't control. After years of practice, it came easily to her, and she tried to share that strength with Maea through the brightening smile on her lips. [say]"However, that doesn't mean we stop trying."[/say] The warmth of her eyes spoke of hope, a light in the distance if the Ancient was willing to reach for it.
RE: how do I mourn what never lived - Maea - 03-02-2025
Complex emotions paraded across her pallid face while she listened and attempted to absorb what was said. For a time Maea didn't respond at all but merely pushed crumbs across the table, lost in thought. When she moved it was to swipe at her eyes again, tears coming back unbidden. A long, slow sigh had the feel of a mountain being set down, at least for a moment; the smile the offered Elizabeth in return was a tremulous thing, fleeting but of a kind that lit up her whole being. Lightning quick, there and gone again, it was a glimpse of who she was beneath the darkness; once upon a time Maea had smiled more easily, and laughed far more than she did these days.
[say]"It all comes down to trying, then?"[/say] She needed that to be verified, to somehow summarize not only what she was and wasn't, but what to do from here on. It was well and good to talk, but it meant nothing if she didn't follow up words with action. [say]"If I just keep trying, something really is going to change?"[/say]
RE: how do I mourn what never lived - Elizabeth - 03-02-2025
She didn't comment on the tears. They were a natural reaction that she wouldn't shame someone for, and she wouldn't want to draw any unnecessary attention or embarrassment by mentioning them. Instead, Elizabeth just softened her expression, giving the heavy thoughts and emotions room to breathe. It was obvious that this had been weighing on Maea for a long time, and even the small lightening of that load deserved a moment of peace when it was lifted.
Elizabeth waited patiently for Maea to speak, rubbing an absent thumb down the side of the long-cold ceramic. When the question finally came, hummed softly. She would never speak of guarantees or promises, but she offered the Ancient this, [say]"If you truly put in the effort, and want things to change, they will."[/say] It probably wouldn't be everything she hoped for, and it would take lots of time and 'trying,' but time would eventually shift things one way or another.
RE: how do I mourn what never lived - Maea - 03-02-2025
A deep breath was followed by a shudder, of the kind that was soul deep and entirely heartfelt. [say]"I really, truly do want to change,"[/say] Maea murmured, and after rubbing fiercely at her eyes, they came away bloodshot and red, but with determination. [say]"I no longer want my past to define what I can and can't do. I want to be a reliable person who can be trusted to finish what I start, who isn't so caught up in my own storms that I forget to be there for my friends."[/say] She did have some, strangely enough. Truly remarkable people who hadn't let her clumsy selfishness push them away.
Looking across the table, she had a feeling that this person might come to be a friend, too. Certainly someone entrusted with her secrets, her shadow self, and all the things lurking on the periphery of the mind. All over again Maea felt daunted by the trust placed on this young woman; and possibly, she was ever so slightly proud of herself for daring this leap of faith.
[say]"It can't have been easy listen to all of that... Thank you,"[/say] she murmured softly.
RE: how do I mourn what never lived - Elizabeth - 03-02-2025
The raw emotions on Maea's face were something that gave her hope. People who didn't try or didn't want to try, didn't often have such a light burning in their eyes. Yet her shoulders had set, and a determination formed in her brows. Elizabeth encouraged her with a warm smile. [say]"If that's the case, Maea, I think you're already on the right track."[/say] It was the first step of many, but a step, nonetheless.
The near-apology elicited a dismissive shake of her head. [say]"I assure you, I enjoy listening to people. Even though it's part of my job, I do it because I want to."[/say] The shimmer in her brown eyes said as much, rejuvenated by the complex conversation, and the transformation because of it. Her smile softened from playful to genuine as she said softly, [say]"So... if you ever need to talk again, I'm always available and would love to see how you're doing."[/say] As she did with anyone she spoke with, it gave her a sense of satisfaction and purpose to see that their conversation had made a difference in their life. It told her that the words meant more than just nonsense.
Tilting her head, she worked on finishing the half-eaten croissant still in front of her. [say]"What will you do first?"[/say] With this new mindset and purpose. Where would it take the Ancient?
RE: how do I mourn what never lived - Maea - 03-02-2025
Heartened by the encouraging words, Maea leaned back and seemed to melt into her seat. Tension bled away from thin shoulders, and she even borrowed a lick of flame from a nearby candle to re-heat her drink. It would make the herbs and spices a tad bitter, but that was only good; she could use some grounding after all the mental summersaults.
[say]"Well then. Since you both offer and enjoy it, I'll make sure to keep regular contact with you. That way I can keep you entertained."[/say] A glint of humor brightened her expression.
As for what she would do next? Maea considered her options. [say]"I might... relocate. With a change of scenery, it should be easier to form new habits. Break patterns, think differently... I'll consider it, at least."[/say] Slipping from the mug, the renewed heat filling her mouth was bracing. The remaining bites of pie vanished too, and a rare sense of peace began to emanate from her gut. Full and warm and a little tired, she could do with a nap. [say]"What about you? Going back to Halo?"[/say]
RE: how do I mourn what never lived - Elizabeth - 03-02-2025
Elizabeth let out a laugh. [say]"I mean, when you put it that way..."[/say] As long as Maea didn't mind being the entertainment, she wouldn't correct her, but it did make it sound like she was just in it for the drama. Shaking her head, she shared a playful smile.
The mood felt lighter, and she propped her head on her hand to listen. [say]"That could be good. Where were you thinking of going?"[/say] As an Ancient, she didn't think Halo was an option, but that still left plenty of places (that she knew of). She also assumed the Grounds to be her current residence, since they'd run into each other here, and it was practically the 'Ancient hub' of Caido.
Maea's question of her own plans had her hair shifting as she nodded her head and hummed around a bite of croissant. [say]"Mhm. I need to make sure my fireplace is still burning and gather wood for LongNight. I'm also still working on setting up my practice out there, so I have to do some brainstorming."[/say] Readjustment of furniture, making business cards, organizing books, buying supplies, all the usual things. Shrugging her shoulders, she said, [say]"Hopefully, I'll have it all together by Flowerbirth."[/say] Elizabeth smiled, eager to see the sun rise again after the long week of darkness, although she looked forward to a lot of reading.
RE: how do I mourn what never lived - Maea - 03-02-2025
Entertaining someone was a nice change of pace. Amused by the notion, she waved away any reservations Elizabeth might have raised, to instead consider the map of Caido and its potentials. [say]"I'm not sure. Someone suggested Torchline a while back, so that might top the list... Preferably I'd go somewhere without snow. I miss Halo, but it's not really a viable option these days."[/say] Without Ludo's ragged shawl to stave off the cold, she'd be confined to living indoors, stalking from house to house and dread the moment a miscalculation left her as a statue along some road.
[say]"I hope it all goes well, and that you have a quiet LongNight."[/say] Smiling warmly, she put a hand before her mouth to stifle a yawn. Whether from weariness or released tension, it made her jaw creak. [say]"Pardon... I think I'm a bit wrung out."[/say]
RE: how do I mourn what never lived - Elizabeth - 03-02-2025
Laughing at the mention of Halo, she said, [say]"I can understand why."[/say] Not wanting to turn to stone was a good motivator. Plus, Torchline was a much nicer climate with plenty of people to meet. Tilting her head, she took another bite of her croissant. [say]"Do you have friends to stay with in Torchline?"[/say] Sometimes it was easier to make a change when there was a support system.
Her head nodded in thanks for the offered wishes. When Maea yawned, Elizabeth let out a low laugh. [say]"Don't worry about it. The hot tea and cozy atmosphere don't help."[/say] She looked around at the warm lighting and quiet conversations. Time had certainly passed, although she couldn't tell how much. [say]"Did you want to get going soon?"[/say]
RE: how do I mourn what never lived - Maea - 03-03-2025
Hadama's face fluttered past, then Remi's, and Ronin too. She had friends, but perhaps not the chance to crash on their couches. [say]"Maybe. I may just stay at an inn until I find something more permanent, though. Gives me incentive to work quickly."[/say] Another lopsided smile was interrupted by a second yawn. There was no stifling that one.
[say]"Mh, in a moment. I'm enjoying this a bit too much to break it up too soon. Just saying, if I yawn in your face it isn't personal."[/say] Boredom would never be an issue, Maea liked dissecting logic almost as much as Liz. [say]"Can I ask what got you into this line of work? It seems a weighty one... is it difficult to maintain distance with your clients?"[/say] Deeply personal confidences would be shared in conversation like this. Maea knew from experience that she would struggle with getting too invested, trying to do too much without being asked.
RE: how do I mourn what never lived - Elizabeth - 03-03-2025
Inns and temporary housing weren't ideal, but it was a start. Elizabeth nodded her head with a low hum. [say]"Hmm. Well, I hope you find someplace more permanent."[/say] If only to start laying more roots, a foundation for the change she hoped to achieve.
Laughing at the joke, she smiled. It was nice to just enjoy a conversation with someone, without feeling like it needed to be cut short. Everyone was in such a hurry. Elizabeth relaxed, taking a sip of her cold tea as she explained, [say]"I traveled all over Caido while growing up with my parents. They were both academics, studying history and botany. I found relationships more interesting; it was fascinating to see how people interacted with each other and the world. I got my education by meeting an abundance of different peoples and observing their reactions to understand them better. Then, I found out that I had a knack for helping people with their emotions and relationships."[/say] Her shoulders came up in another shrug and a proud smile. It hadn't been a hard decision to continue doing what she already enjoyed.
The difficulties of her work were obvious though, and she didn't shy from the truth. [say]"It can be hard to separate friendships from sessions, but I treat it like wearing a hat. If I notice it on my head, I take it off."[/say] She let out a soft chuckle, tucking a strand of brown hair behind her ear. Elizabeth tilted her head as she asked, [say]"How did you get into your line of work?"[/say]
RE: how do I mourn what never lived - Maea - 03-03-2025
[say]"Sounds like a very organic way to find what you're good at,"[/say] Maea reflected. [say]"I do wish I'd had something similar... Unfortunately my choices have often been driven by need."[/say] Gathering up crumbs with a fibger, she deposited them on the empty plate. [say]"My family were farmers, like I said earlier. After they passed away, I tried to keep it going on my own, but it's very rough work with several pairs of hands. Only one set wasn't enough."[/say] It had been a difficult time; between processing grief, the turmoil of outlanders pouring in and old order being upturned, she had tried to make it by on her own only to find it impossible.
[say]"When it didn't work anymore I joined the Loreseeker Guild instead. This was before the barrier around the Grounds fell; so much information had been lost over the centuries that no one really knew what lay outside anymore. The Heralds were beginning to influence events again, The Voice gathered followers ‐ and the Guildmaster was very kind to me, even though I wasn't strong or even very good at reading."[/say] Expression softening with remembered affection, her smile was wistful. [say]"I guess I've tried to recreate what he had built. It never quite work though; now that the world is open to us, there's no real need for loreseekers anymore."[/say]