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RE: the cycle ends right now - Elizabeth - 03-21-2025
[say]"Good."[/say] Her smile was warm and bright, pleased to heart that Maea had found the exercise successful. It was something she'd practiced with a few people before, something that she'd found was highly effective for those with overactive thoughts, a way to calm the body and mind.
Reclaiming her tea from the table, Elizabeth took a small sip. [say]"That was a combination of progressive muscle relaxation and grounding techniques. They can be used to help you push out unwanted emotions, to center yourself in the moment."[/say] Some might call it a form of meditation, although there wasn't so much of 'clearing the mind' as there was 'refocusing.' It helped people feel in control again, taking back each muscle from the anxiety that tried to take over.
Feet still flat on the floor, she considered Maea carefully. [say]"What would you say your anxiety is at now? Zero to ten."[/say]
RE: the cycle ends right now - Maea - 03-21-2025
It was most useful, and very similar to what she had unconsciously been attempting already. Simply breathing had not gotten her all the way though, and she had an inkling that this would be a good addition in case she found herself needing to face conflict again. And she would; no one could go through life without stepping on toes, and the only real way to settle differences was with confrontation.
Turning her attention inward again for a brief assessment, Maea was surprised by the difference the exercise had made. [say]"Barely even a two,"[/say] she reported, pale eyebrows rising in consternation. [say]"I would not even call this anxious.. it's more like a... an awareness that I could feel even calmer. Does this... always work? Even if I'm already beginning to freeze?"[/say]
RE: the cycle ends right now - Elizabeth - 03-21-2025
Smiling, she nodded her head encouragingly. [say]"That's perfect."[/say] For someone as practical and analytical as Maea, it was important to be able to trend such intangible reactions, to prove that the methods actually worked.
Elizabeth tucked her legs back under her, resuming the same position as before while she answered Maea's question. [say]"Not always. It takes practice, and it can't bring a ten (like being in full freeze mode) down to a one. It can maybe bring an eight to a more manageable five, to help keep the thoughts at bay."[/say] In other words, it wasn't a magical cure or solution, just a means to rein in the out-of-control emotions.
Not wanting the Ancient to misunderstand, she made sure to explain the downsides of the exercise. [say]"The other issue is that you can't always sit and take the time to do this in the middle of an argument or confrontation - but you can modify it to make it work for you."[/say] Holding out her hand, she demonstrated as she spoke. [say]"For example, if you notice that you hold most of your strain in your shoulders or hands, when you start to feel the panic building, take a moment to tense those muscles and release them a few times, letting go of the anxiety with each relaxation."[/say] Her hand balled into a tight fist, her skin blanching lightly with the pressure before she released it, repeating the process once more for emphasis.
Elizabeth replaced her hand on her mug as she focused more on the other half of the experience. [say]"You can also take a moment and ground yourself. Take a few deep breaths while focusing on five things you can sense around you. The smell of firewood, the warmth of the flames, the sound of wind against the wall, the taste of tea on your tongue, the feel of your feet anchoring you to the floor. All of this helps you to remain present and in your body."[/say] Especially for someone who dissociates, it could be particularly helpful to keep that mind-body connection intact.
RE: the cycle ends right now - Maea - 03-21-2025
What the woman said made perfect sense and Maea nodded, satisfied with both the possibilities and limitations of the technique. Especially as it echoed things she had been doing instinctively, if not entirely correctly or accurately. If it took practice then she would practice. The benefits of relocating and upending her entire life was that new habits were easier to form. Already she spent her morning hours with physical training; why not devote a few minutes before bedtime to some grounding and breathing exercises so that she could tame her mind, as well?
Sitting quiet while she absorbed the information, Maea drained her cup and leaned over to refill it, offering Elizabeth a top-up at the same time. Inadvertently her thoughts went back to her encounter with Zavien, and the state of mind she had been in during that time.
[say]"Back when I ran into that person... the last thing I wanted was to be in my body,"[/say] she recalled. [say]"On one hand I felt so trapped and beside myself that all I wanted was to lash out... but on the other hand, it was as if nothing ever really touched me. Like I'd gone completely numb and unfeeling. Was that... disassociation, too?"[/say]
RE: the cycle ends right now - Elizabeth - 03-21-2025
Accepting the refill of her tea, Elizabeth gave her another gentle smile. [say]"It can be a form of dissociation."[/say] As hard as it may be to hear the term 'dissociation,' she hoped the Ancient didn't see it as something negative, because like all things, it was a natural reaction.
She took a sip of her tea, figuring out how best to describe it. [say]"What it boils down to is a defensive mechanism, whether that's protecting you from something external like a physical threat or emotional confrontation, or something internal like an overwhelming idea, thought, or feeling that you don't have the mental capacity to handle at that moment."[/say] It then created a separation from those emotions, protecting the heart from what it may find there.
Elizabeth hummed softly to consider Maea's situation, the piling of thoughts that made her lose control so easily. [say]"It's a little harder to recognize than external triggers, but it's just as important to be able to recognize when you start spiraling, and what thoughts or actions help you break that cycle. Progressive muscle relaxation and grounding can help slow things down to make them more manageable and less daunting."[/say]
RE: the cycle ends right now - Maea - 03-21-2025
[say]"Hmm."[/say] It may be natural, but that didn't mean Maea enjoyed the reaction. It smacked of inability to control herself, a vice she couldn't forgive in herself or others. [say]"Say that I don't know what's causing the spiraling in the first place? Sometimes I react so long after something's happened that it gets hard to find the real cause. Then I just feel, without knowing the why or what to do with it."[/say]
Introspective though she was, she lacked the understanding of the mental processes. While it worked to analyze herself in conversations like these, when she was out in the world, on her own, there were times when she simply didn't have a name for what she felt, or why - because so often the root cause had become muddled along the way, confused over time and twisted out of context or proportion.
RE: the cycle ends right now - Elizabeth - 03-21-2025
She could see the skepticism and doubt spreading across Maea's face, the fear of that lack of control. It wasn't something easy or simple to overcome, and Elizabeth sadly didn't have the answers at the moment, only the path that might help them find those answers together. Smiling softly, she cradled her mug. [say]"That's why we talk and process and self-assess. It's a never-ending process."[/say] It probably wasn't what the Ancient wanted to hear, but it was the only way to move forward.
Her eyes looked to the flames for a second, contemplative as she added, [say]"And there's always a cause behind our emotions, even if we can't see them at the time."[/say] Which brought her to her next line of explorative questions. Elizabeth let her eyes return to Maea as she asked, [say]"What preceded your most recent interaction? What were thinking? Feeling?"[/say]
RE: the cycle ends right now - Maea - 03-22-2025
Somewhere, Maea had hoped that these talks would result in one and done solutions. But she supposed that would have been too easy. It wasn't so much that she disliked picking her brain with Elizabeth as a guide, but a desire for confidence in her own ability to navigate life and its pitfalls that brought on the disappointed sigh. A constant work in progress, then; if that was how she had to see herself, then she would try to adjust. [say]"I might as well invite you to stay here, then,"[/say] she drawled, allowing for a little smile to show through. [say]"I've a feeling I alone could supply you with enough work for a lifetime - let alone some other people I've met around here."[/say] Liam came to mind, in his grief, and among travel weary and desperate adventurers she could imagine a few who would benefit from talking about their worries for the future.
As for her own worries, this particular scenario required some serious thinking. What happened before she blew up all over Zavien? [say]"Well... there was the move away from Hollowed Grounds. I sent a letter of farewell to Danta, that he hasn't responded to... which was disappointing, but not unexpected. Then the row with Flora, my relocating to this region... I tried to reach out to my goddess, but was accosted by a spirit instead so I never got the chance to speak with her. I nearly fell off a cliff while looking for flowers - I was hauled up by a guy I met recently, Liam, though it was a close thing."[/say] Tapping a finger against her mug, she thought through the events of the last few weeks. It had been rather a lot, in retrospect.
[say]"I talked to Alys about her recently deceased companion - apparently she received a quest from Mort himself to revive it! That was a difficult talk, I admit, for all that it gave me hope for my own companion. I haven't had time to think too much about it though, because my camp was wrecked in a recent storm, and I had to replace so many things.. Luckily, Remi let me take over this place. So now I have a roof over my head, and no need to rush back to Torchline. And Liam has been offering to help me get settled, so... that's been nice."[/say] A smile ghosted across her lips, something soft whisking by as she dropped his name a second time.
[say]"Oh, and the person who shot me twice had some people around here playing hide and seek. She too declined to talk about what happened in the desert - so that's been weird."[/say]
RE: the cycle ends right now - Elizabeth - 03-23-2025
Smiling at the joke, Elizabeth shook her head softly. [say]"I appreciate the offer, and I might have considered it if I hadn't just moved to Halo last year."[/say] She still enjoyed the area too much to leave quite so soon, although recent events had shown that her opinion might not be quite as valued as she'd hoped. But her resilience had grown in her months amongst the stubborn Halovians, and she wasn't ready to give up yet. Her smile warmed as she added, [say]"I'm more than happy to make frequent visits though."[/say] Like with all of her clients, Elizabeth was willing to travel anywhere in Caido that they wished to meet, no matter how far or secluded.
She took another sip of her tea as she listened to Maea list her extensive experiences over the past few weeks. It was no surprise that she'd needed to release some energy. Elizabeth wasn't sure she could have handled so much in such a short time, even with her abundance of coping skills. Despite that, she nodded her head, contemplating what might have helped prevent the outburst of emotion. [say]"That sounds like a lot. Did you take any time in between to process each event? To talk them out with anyone? Maybe this Liam person, or Remi?"[/say]
RE: the cycle ends right now - Maea - 03-23-2025
Maea understood, and despite it being mostly in jest she was quietly disappointed. She liked Elizabeth, not only because she helped the ancient make sense of a tangled mess in her head but for the warmth of her being and the steady, rational approach she took to problem solving. That she would visit often was heartening at least, and Maea would have to settle for that. [say]"You'll always be welcome here, however long the stay,"[/say] she assured with a warm little smile. That much she could promise, and what a good feeling it was to have a roof to offer to whomever she wanted!
As for the goings on in Maea's life, even she was appalled at the sheer number of notable events she had gone through in such a short time. Thinking back, she had been on traveling foot more or less constantly since the sun rose after Longnight, with only brief respite found between searching for roses and speaking to friends, not-friends, spirits and random strangers...
[say]"Some, though apparently not enough time,"[/say] she replied with a rueful smile. [say]"Remi has had it rough lately - a family member of his passed away - so I don't want to bother him too much just now. Liam... we've been talking some, but he's so fresh an acquaintance; we're still getting to know one another, so it feels a bit much to come dragging with all of this..."[/say] Gesturing to herself, her chuckle was a breathy sound, humorous in recognition that she most certainly was a renovation project still underway.
RE: the cycle ends right now - Elizabeth - 03-23-2025
Although she noticed the disappointment, Elizabeth didn't comment on it, momentarily wearing her 'therapist' had to draw a boundary. She wasn't against moving to the Greatwood, but it wasn't something she could agree to do so flippantly in the middle of a session. Regardless, she gave an appreciative smile of the offer. [say]"Thank you."[/say]
She took another sip of her tea as she processed Maea's next words. Her head nodded in understanding, but she lifted a finger, wanting to stop a negative line of thought before it progressed too far. Despite the soft, calm expression on her face, there was an element of seriousness, not unlike a loving, scolding mother. [say]"One, you are never 'too much' for anyone, although it would be polite to ask if they are in the right frame of mind to have such a deep conversation, don't ever mistaken that for being a 'burden' or an 'inconvenience.' Everyone has their struggles, but we're all working through this life together, okay? You deserve to be heard."[/say] Even if Maea meant it as a joke, there was often some kernel of belief in the self-deprecation, and she would never encourage such disparaging comments. So, although gentle, her words were firm with an unwavering purpose for all people to feel comfortable enough with who they were - including Maea.
Elizabeth lowered her hand, letting the tension of the moment ease to something softer as her smile warmed. [say]"Two, if you don't have someone to talk to - or you don't feel comfortable talking to - I recommend keeping a journal. Sometimes, it can help just to get the emotions out in a healthy way, to help you cope with any unrecognized or unhealed feelings. It can also be beneficial for sessions like these to refer back to your fresh reactions of the time."[/say] Reaching for her bag, she pulled out a soft leatherbound journal, a loose piece tying it closed. She offered it to the Ancient, encouraging in the heat of her brown gaze. [say]"You can write whenever it strikes you, or write daily to make it a habit, but I think it would be really helpful in guiding your thoughts and keeping them from reaching that breaking point again so quickly."[/say] It wouldn't completely erase the probability, but it might make the episodes less likely; and when combined with the other techniques, it might give her the ability to control her emotions better.
RE: the cycle ends right now - Maea - 03-25-2025
The lifted finger and sudden intensity of the therapist took Maea aback. Snapping her mouth shut around an excuse about to drop - she only meant to say that there hadn't been any good opportunities to talk to anyone - she dropped her gaze to hands that clenched nervously around her cup. She wasn't sure what to do with the coiling unease in her stomach at the rebuke, however mildly delivered. Rebellion warred with shame and something raw, something tender und unsure. If Elizabeth was right about her deserving to be heard, why was it that any time she tried, something bad happened? Either people left her or ignored her or called her a martyr and a fool – surely if there was anything valuable about her story and opinion, they would have stayed, or been willing to at least consider it before discarding it. Discarding her.
Elizabeth went on, but for the first time Maea struggled to hear what she was saying. Looking up only when the bottom edge of a journal was brought into view, she blinked between it and Liz, casting about for what the was suggesting. [say]"Oh. Uh... thank you. Journaling... don't think I've tried it before."[/say] Accepting the book somewhat tentatively, she hastily flipped it through and found creamy paper within, conveniently lined already and waiting for ink to fill its pages.
RE: the cycle ends right now - Elizabeth - 03-26-2025
Elizabeth didn't miss a single thing. She saw the way Maea shrunk in her chair, suddenly losing the gentle easiness that had carried through their conversation. There was no doubt that she'd read into the chosen words and subtle meanings, but she was confident in her assessment, and if they were going to continue this relationship, they'd need to respect each other enough to be open.
As the Ancient accepted the journal, the therapist let out a soft sigh, its warmth like a comforting breeze to soothe any ruffled emotions. [say]"Maea. That wasn't meant to reprimand you. I only mean to say that negative self-talk - no matter how humorously delivered - isn't something I tolerate."[/say] Her eyes searched Maea's face, looking for any indication of what may have triggered the avoidant reaction, but she always found it was better to just ask. [say]"What about my words bothered you? Or perhaps it wasn't the words. Was it something in my tone that struck a nerve?"[/say] She'd certainly been firm, although not harsh by any means.
RE: the cycle ends right now - Maea - 03-26-2025
Being caught in her reaction only increased the discomfort. Unused to being put on the spot or seen through by her behavior wasn't something Maea was accustomed to, and when her silence failed to cover up what she didn't have the words to convey, all that was left was to sit there feeling vulnerable. Like she'd been stripped bare, with no shelter in sight.
Swallowing thickly, the pale little woman shrugged, barely a twitch of her shoulders. Digging her fingers into the soft leather wrapping around the journal, she opened and closed her mouth several times - seeking and failing to find a way to explain that didn't seem so... petulant. Childish.
But there was no other way, and the tense silence left her with no peace. [Say]"I – that's... I just... don't... feel like that's true,"[/say] she got out eventually, stuttered and stumbling where she'd previously been so fluent. Scowling towards a tangled bit of fringe on the carpet, she avoided the other woman's gaze. [Say]"That you can talk about anything with anyone and having it be okay. Or that it matters what I say. If it did, then why do I... end up alone everytime I open my mouth? If it's worth so much - if I'm not a burden, or inconveniencing anyone - then why...?"[/say] was Astaroth still a cannibal, Danta still indifferent, Evie still silent and Harper still dead? Why was she a martyr wannabe for speaking up to a bully, why was her apologies never enough, why was nothing she did ever good enough to make a single iota of difference when it counted?
The protest clogged in her throat until she gagged on them. Hasting to moisten her mouth with more tea she found the mug empty. Reaching for the kettle, her hand shook again, all the calm of the exercise thrown out the window by a deep, heavy pit of self-doubt that Elizabeth just stumbled over unawares.