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+---- Thread: A sentimental noose (/showthread.php?tid=10112)
A sentimental noose - Jude - 09-09-2024
Jude has grown accustomed to slapping a note on his apartment door with his daily whereabouts and estimated return. Not that he has visitors - it’s entirely to ensure his beloved cat will be taken care of if he spontaneously vanishes or dies like people tend to do in Caido.
People like his dad apparently.
His dad who is dead.
Dead, dead, dead.
It’s news nobody is ever prepared to hear, and certainly not this young. Devastating, all-consuming news.
Except…it doesn’t feel devastating?
Jude had received the news at his doorstep with a wooden expression. He vaguely remembers thanking the courier before making dinner and going to bed. He hasn’t cried; isn’t sure he needs to - isn’t sure he wants to? Jude has lost each parent twice over, grief is a familiar friend. But there was mercy in uncertainty then - never this sort of finality. There is no search to start or hope to hold out. It simply is. It simply hurts.
So he runs, because it’s the only way to cope with pain that his family ever taught him. But he doesn’t run far, because Jude never inherited their ease of abandonment.
Currently struggling against a child-sized flytrap with teeth, Jude kicks at its stem as he scuffles and curses - both hands shoving the massive head away from him. The stem cracks and it jolts sideways, sending Jude to the ground with a yelp - harassed but alive. Skittering backward until he’s safely out of range, Jude stares blankly at the wilted plant.
The pounding of his heart won’t slow even after the danger has passed. Why? Why? He’s fine. He’s alive, and it’s just a stupid, mindless plant. He needs to stand up and move on.
Fisting the rocks and bony shards beneath his hands Jude hurls them and screams. [say] “Fuck you! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!”[/say] Flushed and wild-eyed, he turns and rips violently at the ferns beside him, hands scraping and bleeding immediately on their rough veins as he yanks them from the earth and throws them too. Lurching to his feet, half-blinded by curls stick to his damp, dirt-streaked forehead, Jude tears at anything within reach as sweat stings his eyes. [say]“Fuck you all! I hope you rot! I hope you -”[/say] the skeleton-shale beneath his feet crumbles and he slides down the embankment toward the water’s edge, bone dust and plant carnage sent flying in his wake and settling in his hair. On his back with the summer sun in his eyes, Jude lays where he lands and finally cries.
RE: A sentimental noose - Koa - 09-13-2024
There is no right way to grieve, Jude. Gods know you made your share of bad choices, in the aftermath of your mother's death. Even now it's a wound you cannot look at, a scab that never seems to heal no matter how much time fades.
The Metacarpal Island is a dismal place, one you wouldn't venture to normally. As you skirt around the ossified shore you find yourself both compelled and repulsed. It's a place of death and rot and decay, but also life and flourishing beauty; a place that can bring hope or fear, oscillating with the uncertainty of mortality itself. Lurid colors clash with bleached white bone, creating a contrast that has your teeth clenched, an edge of nervousness sparking down your spine.
Nerves which shift to shrieking paranoia as sound erupts through the eerie still. It comes from behind you, the loud shout of a broken thing followed closely by the crash of sliding shale. Spinning around with your heart in your throat, you see a harrowing plume of dust. It's too far to make out any detail, so you wait, fists ready and eyes alert as the ashen bone settles enough that you can see...
...a body.
For a second you oscillate, torn between the ingrained training to assist and a very real fear of traps and danger. The training wins; it always does; you're nothing if not stupidly drawn toward aiding those in need. [say]"Hey!"[/say] you call out, walking first before picking your pace into a jog. [say]"Hey, are you---"[/say] Okay? It dies upon your lips as realization rises. This isn't just a despondent stranger, spat out by the isle. This is an all too familiar figure, if one you haven't see for far too long.
This is Jude.
Oh, shit.
Memories of your last encounter swarm within your mind: Jude, drunk, longing, wanting; you, too beguiled to say no. An ending you shake out of your thoughts, because it isn't important to the here and now. Jude is crying and probably injured, and you are at the edge of a panic spiral, and standing like an idiot won't help anyone, so you better get your shit together and do what you do best.
[say]"Jude. Hey."[/say] Dropping down onto your knees, you extend a hand toward the boy, though whether to push the hair from his face or to haul him up you couldn't say. [say]"It's okay. I'm here. What happened? Are you hurt?"[/say] Copper eyes dart back up to the tree line, combing quickly for any sign of pursuit. But the living jungle remains eerily silent, the only sound their quickened breath and the waves that lap against the shore.
RE: A sentimental noose - Jude - 09-17-2024
A voice is nice to hear as wind slowly and painfully crawls back into his lungs, a comforting sign he won’t somehow die here if his diaphragm doesn’t get with the program soon, but it’s not exactly nice to hear in any other way. Namely because he can’t seem to stop blinking thick waves of tears out of his eyes while his chest spasms in a way that doesn’t feel like sobbing.
Koa is a shadowed blur until he leans in far enough to block out the oppressive sunlight, and the halo it casts around him is comedically cruel. So much so that Jude’s next exhale is a laughing hiccup of a thing that’s too guttural to be grief or humor. Is he hurt? What a joke.
[say]“It’s not okay and now you’re here,”[/say] comes garbled out of his clenched teeth in petty correction. Sitting up swiftly (and wincing immediately) Jude scrapes roughly at his eyes, dirt and bone dust gritty and painful on his cheeks as they leave more redness that will linger longer than the hue of emotion he currently wears. [say]“Why - why is it you?”[/say] Always you?
Jude bares his teeth in a furious clench when the tears won’t stop no matter how he scrubs, forcing his shoulders to shake when he’s just trying to fucking speak. [say] "Why do you care? This isn't Stormbreak, you're not on duty and you sure as shit don't need more brownie points with the local Queen."[/say] It's unfairly viperous in the face of concern, but shame and embarrassment burn hot in his chest, smoking the words up and out of his throat in an attempt to scare Koa off swiftly so nobody can witness whatever breakdown this is becoming.
RE: A sentimental noose - Koa - 09-17-2024
Crouched down onto his toes, Koa lets his eyes rove over the singer, searching for any telltale signs trauma - pooling blood, perhaps, or a bone jutting out of torn pants. The assurance that Jude is alive and breathing and capable of contradicting his rescuer eases some of the panic from a pounding heartbeat; at least it seems unlikely that some mortal danger lurks nearby. [say]"That's fair,"[/say] Koa replies with reserved levity, an almost-smile glancing across his face. It's a smile that fades quickly as Jude tears at his face, leaving raw marks and fresh dirt which is swiftly cut by tears.
As to why it's always him? Damn if Koa knows the answer, or feels even remotely like he should be the one here, dealing with whatever crisis is happening in his errant friend's(?) heart.
Before he can come up with a witty answer Jude is charging on, his words flung fast like slings and arrows, designed to cut and hurt. The thing is, though, Koa's had worse, and while he has to clench his jaw against the stinging barbs, ultimately they do very little to phase him.
Lest you forget, he has a younger sister, and nobody knows how to cut a man down like a grieving twelve-year-old girl.
[say]"Doesn't matter where we are."[/say] Settling back onto his heels, Koa reaches into his bag. [say]"I care about you."[/say] It's a simple answer but an honest one, and there's nothing on his face but calm concern as he turns back to Jude, a water bottle in hand. [say]"Here- I filled this at the fountain. Drink some, and then we can use the rest to wash your face."[/say] He's doing his best to affect the same air of calm authority that he's often seen on the field, to channel his inner Anju or even his mom, to be unflappable as Jude flails.
It doesn't stop his hands from shaking, but still. It's what he's got.
RE: A sentimental noose - Jude - 09-17-2024
It’s really not fair, but Jude’s only experience with using someone as a punching bag was his dad, and it had felt awful but cathartic then, so why stop now? Why does Koa get to be self-assured and unflinching even in the face of Jude's vitriol when Jude can't even stop crying? It's an agonizing reminder of all the ways Jude can't measure up to this man he can't seem to figure out how he feels about.
[say]"No you fucking don't,"[/say] Jude hiccup-laughs, wanting to shove dirt in Koa's face like a schoolyard bully to wipe that collected look off his face. [say]"You don't even know me. You just wanna feel good. Seems to be a real theme for you."[/say] If Koa's care is as shallow as that, it's no surprise he cares about Jude, and Sohalia, and Flora, and whoever else he's come across who didn't know better than to fall for puppy eyes and sunlit smiles.
Jude's knees come up to his ribs like they'll protect him somehow from the hurt. He isn't sure which pain is strongest right now - all he knows is it hurts so bad he reaches for the bottle without further complaint, praying to more gods than live in Caido's skies that it will ease this pain as it has so many wounds of the flesh. He drinks from it in a few graceless gulps, then lets his mouth go lax so the water can pour over his lips and face, trickling off his chin and down his temples into his hair.
The water is warm from sitting in Koa's backpack, and for a moment Jude's not crying - it's just summer, and they didn't bring enough ice to keep their drinks cold. Didn't think to pack it at all. They're just ill-prepared adventurers, maybe even friends, the kind of friend he'd had in Sohalia once. And Koa is visiting because someone actually remembers Jude, and they brought extra water with him in mind and -
Jude straightens the bottle back out and buries his head in his knees, finally sobbing. How pathetic is he that he has to pretend like this just to find comfort? How can he reconcile his hatred for his dad with the fact he'd been the last person to visit Jude's sad little apartment the way he was just longing for someone to do? [say]"M-My dad's de-e-ad,"[/say] he sobs, forehead rolling against a new split in his jeans from falling down the cliff. The bottle in his hand crinkles, white knuckles soon coated in waters that heal the abrasions there and leave only streaks of mud. Like the hurt had never existed.
RE: A sentimental noose - Koa - 09-23-2024
Ouch, that one does leave a mark, a bruise of insecurity blooming across the unflappable façade Koa is working to maintain. It's a glancing blow, though, a tiny nick in constructed armor, the Dragoon's lips curling in a rueful half-smile as he shrugs off the verbal attack. [say]"You got me. I've been faking the whole time. This is actually just part of my compulsive need to seek out cute boys at their lowest and bully them into feeling better."[/say] An eyebrow lifts above those puppy-dog eyes; he extends the bottle toward Jude again. [say]"Now drink, before my lack of caring makes me pour it on your head."[/say]
Look, it's how he's learned to handle Noe, and Koa's points of reference for people actively breaking down are slim.
For whatever reason, it seems to work. Koa's shoulders relax visibly as Jude takes the bottle from him, his eyes staying on the younger man until he's sure there's water being drunk. Settling down into a seated position, he lets his vision slip back to the horizon, prepared to give Jude the time he needs to dictate their next step. With no context for what has happened and no tools to allow him to dig deeper, Koa can only wait for the revelation.
And what a revelation it is.
My dad is dead. It squeezes the breath out of Koa in one hoarse woosh, leaving him feeling tight and hollow, his throat constricted by a grasping fist. [say]"Oh... Jude, shit. I'm sorry."[/say] Not eloquent, but what's he meant to say? Making sure someone isn't actively dying and getting them to take medicine is about the end of his training in healthcare management; now that a real crisis is upon him, Koa feels suddenly too large and too awkward, woefully out of place.
Unsure what else he can possibly offer, the Dragoon lays a broad hand on Jude's back, ready to pull the boy against his chest - or to back off, should that be what Jude needs. He remembers that freefall, the overwhelming dread, the realization that the very foundations of his world have been altered in a fundamental, irreparable way. He remembers not knowing what he wanted or needed. All he can offer from the other side is an anchor, a solid, steady support to keep Jude grounded, to make him feel safe enough that he can feel a little of everything else.
RE: A sentimental noose - Jude - 09-23-2024
Whether it's the water physically occupying his mouth or the way it douses the proverbial fire in his throat, Jude doesn't dignify that with an answer. It stings to be called cute when he knows he looks like shit. It stings more because it feels like the hollow compliment only proves him right. Koa doesn't care about people in distress any deeper than the shallow need to be everyone's knight in shining armor, and damsels are only as compelling as they are aesthetically pleasing in the storybook Koa lives in.
Jude meanwhile is far from aesthetically pleasing as he sits coated in dirt, bone dust, and - abruptly - tears.
So much for cute.
It's the first of what will be many apologies Jude will come to hear, but this one doesn't feel so empty. And damn Koa for this allowance, because Noe is Jude's best (and sometimes he fears only) friend and that's why he knows Koa gets it. Hates that he knows it too, as if it could somehow be an intimate revelation one sibling could share without involving the other. Jude doesn't want to see Koa as someone whose heart is capable of breaking. He doesn't want this understanding that dawns immediately between them. If Koa is more caricature than comrade then he can't hurt Jude; storybook knives only leave papercuts, but real people always take their pound of flesh when they go.
Gods, but he misses Noe like an amputated limb. He knows she went back after Starfall because it had been too similar to the event that had taken their mom away, but selfishly Jude wishes people would just stay.
Koa's hand lands on his back, warm and heavy and real. Of all the people who've left, Koa hasn't - even if he's been a painful thorn buried between Jude's ribs in lieu of constancy. Jude falls sideways into him, starving to be touched. If Koa is touching him then Jude isn't invisible, and even if only for a moment he isn't as alone as his dad's death has just finalized. His face aches with the rictus each muscle forms, heaving sobs into Koa's shirt as his damp curls and wet cheeks leave wide splotches on the Dragoon's clothes. [say]"Don't go,"[/say] he begs between hyperventilating breaths that leave just as fast in another sputtered sob, [say]"please, I don't -"[/say] know what to do, [say]"- he left me alone."[/say]
RE: A sentimental noose - Koa - 09-26-2024
It's surprisingly natural for Koa, wrapping his arms around Jude like this. Maybe there is something selfish to it, a shallowness in the way he seeks to comfort, to protect the boy from his own broken heart. Maybe Koa needs this as much as Jude does: to feel purpose, to feel like he matters, to do something that helps, even if it's more band-aid than balm. He'd held Noe like this, in the nights after their mother's passing, running his hand over her back and promising it would be okay. It'd had been the only thing keeping him from unraveling, really, because as long as he was keeping someone else together, he couldn't afford to fall apart himself.
[say]"I'm not going anywhere,"[/say] Koa promises gently, holding Jude despite the shoulder now digging painfully into his ribs. The boy in his arm is all angles and edges, even moreso than before. Too thin, too fragile, a bird-like creature; where has he been, all these months? Who had been there to care. [say]"I know if feels like it now, but you're not alone, okay?"[/say] Jude's friends with Noe, Koa knows that, and Sohalia must still care about her one-time lover, and there's the brother Koa doesn't trust, and somewhere a motherly demigod, and...
...and, well. Him.
[say]"I'm not going anywhere,"[/say] Koa repeats, turning his eyes to the sea. There are better words, probably, but he can't find them. He's always been better with actions, anyway. [say]"Take as long as you need."[/say]
RE: A sentimental noose - Jude - 09-30-2024
Jude gave up on promises years ago. A light in him dimmed and went out on a night so nondescript he couldn't put a finger on it if he tried. People lie, deceive, and swear with their hands on their hearts that they're telling the truth before breaking every vow they ever made and disappearing out of your life. Jude doesn't believe in promises anymore. He doesn't trust. But it's not trust if he's just taking comfort in the empty words, right?
He cries for what must be close to an hour, or at least it feels that way. Enough that his throat is raspy and his eyes ache, so sensitive he has to hide in Koa's shadow just to look up at him - embarrassed and ashamed - when he finally emerges. Cheeks ruddy, Jude worsens the rouge there with another rough swipe of his hand, jaw clenching briefly like poisonous words might strike a second time - only to deflate and crumple, forehead thunking heavily onto Koa's shoulder so he can stare balefully at his own stand still gripping the Dragoon's shirt. It hadn't wavered even once while Jude had considered cursing the soldier out a second time. Pathetic. [say]"They're all gone. There's nothing - what did you do?"[/say] Jude can't bear to meet his eyes, so he just continues staring unblinking at the too-bright highlights on Koa's clothes, retinas stinging from the abuse of his own tears. [say]"Why didn't you just...walk off the edge of Stormbreak?"[/say] And maybe that's a glimpse into the heart of Jude's agony that he shouldn't have allowed, but Jude can't conceive of finding a way forward when Koa is so painfully wrong about the amount of people in Jude's life. Those he should have counted on to catch him had never proven themselves constant enough in the first place, and so Jude had never learned to fall in their direction anyway. Their absence changes little about that.
RE: A sentimental noose - Koa - 10-08-2024
As much as Koa is impulsive and enthused, there's a well of patience in the young man, too, and it's that he channels now. No words of haste are spoken to Jude, no indication given that the Dragoon's back is aching or his ribs are screaming or the sun is scalding his bronze skin. He simply sits, his hand running gentle circles on Jude's back, giving the boy space to let it out while trying to keep his own mind still.
When Jude finally speaks again, it's in a tone so young and hopeless that it breaks Koa's heart. What did he do? Threw himself into dangerous situations, mostly: underground boxing, experimenting with drugs, anything to numb the constant, aching pain. Things he isn't going to tell Jude to do, because Koa is older and (marginally) wiser and knows that self-destruction is no solution.
But Jude's pain, his dark thoughts... those are incomprehensible to Koa who, for all his struggles, has always clung to life. Maybe he doesn't take it seriously enough as a result, the depths of Jude's unfathomable struggles. At least he does his best with what he has, closing his eyes and letting his head fall back, a wry, crooked smile tugging at his face. [say]"Well, for one thing I still had Noe and our dad to look after."[/say] The thought of leaving his sister behind had never crossed his mind.
[say]"And two, I know my ma's up in Mort's Halls, and if I show up there too early she'll kick my ass."[/say] He has a legacy to fulfil, after all. Shoes to stand in and perhaps, someday, fit.
Finally his body needs to move, the stiffness having transformed into outright pain. Gingerly so as to disturb Jude as little as possible, Koa shifts his body position, dislodging the elbow from his ribs. Turning to the singer, he furrows his dark brows. [say]"Where have you been living, anyway? Is anyone looking out for you?"[/say] The slender figure, the hollow cheeks - they speak to a much larger pattern of sadness than would be brought by this latest loss.
RE: A sentimental noose - Jude - 10-17-2024
Well, Jude has tried bar fights, drugs, and drinking - it ended up with him in Koa's arms, then alone again, and then the recipient of worried looks from Hadama. So it's a good thing Koa doesn't recommend it, but what he does offer only leads to slumped shoulders and honey eyes that slide lower still.
[say]"Sounds like she loves you a lot,"[/say] he murmurs, the hoarseness of his voice dulling the sharp edge of aching envy to something that better conveys the sincerity hiding behind it. The present tense is habit given years of parents disappearing without dying, but does that kind of love ever really stop even when they're with Mort? The convoluted, abstract spin of his thoughts on the topic - and how Harper and Koa's mom can't possibly compare - keeps him docile and distracted as Koa readjusts.
[say]"My dad moved all my stuff into an apartment when he quit being King. I came back from Stormbreak to all my boxes in it - didn't pick it, but it's fine."[/say] Fine in the sense of quality, because Jude arrived freshly broken up with to find the Court of Stars - the only home he'd known, the one he'd been raised in from birth - suddenly empty. Just a note with a key at the front desk to guide him, like a polite dog sitter excusing themself in the morning instead of a dad abandoning his child. That certainly hadn't been fine. [say]"I have a cat? Her name is Winnie."[/say] Without consent his voice chokes up halfway, eyes burning from grit and abuse as they pitifully attempt to fill again. To try and dissuade that he finally looks up and into Koa's face again. Pale fingers clench anew in the wrinkled fabric still in their grip; like it might erase the bleeding hurt of the admission that Jude is utterly alone in the world now, and forcibly tether Koa to him in a panicked effort to change that.
RE: A sentimental noose - Koa - 10-22-2024
Sounds like she loves you. Onyx smoke sparkles in Koa's chest, the familiar plume of grief and gratitude and love and rage clawing in his throat. It's not as rough as it once was, less cloying and choking, more a stirring of the constant coat of soot. Like the inside of a chimney or the carpet in a smoker's home, Koa's grief is always there: clinging to the edges of his awareness, occasionally caught in a rush of air. He no longer thinks about it daily, but that doesn't mean it's gone.
Though based on what Jude is now saying, his grieving process may wind up being far different from Koa's. [say]"That's fucked up."[/say] Pulling away far enough to look down at Jude, Koa fixes the younger man with an incredulous look. [say]"He just left you? No warning? And moved your shit?"[/say] Having not had the highest opinion of Harper to begin with, Koa can feel his estimation of the Stalwart sinking by degrees. Shaking his head in an attempt to regain composure, the Dragoon tightens his grip on Jude, subconsciously protective. [say]"I'm sorry, I know he's your dad and all but he's also your dad."[/say] Even in the depths of his grief, Kimo had never flat out abandoned his children.
Maybe this is a sign, Koa. Be nicer to your dad.
A cat and an involuntary apartment. Koa feels his heart clenching, aching for this abandoned child. And so he speaks before really thinking, which is his specialty, after all. [say]"Come stay with me, Jude."[/say] He's still looking down at the waif tucked to his side, even as the realization of what he's offered begins to hit. He charges on decisively before he can change his mind, swallowing the lump of uncertainty that bubbles in his throat. [say]"With us, I mean. Noe's always wanted a cat, and since I started spending more time at the Nest she's been wanting company. So it'd make me feel better to know someone was looking after her."[/say] They could look after each other, and Koa after them. [say]"We have plenty of room, and you need a change of pace. And it doesn't have to be forever,"[/say] he adds, cracking a reassuring smile. [say]"Just until you're ready to be on your own. What do you say?"[/say]
RE: A sentimental noose - Jude - 11-01-2024
Jude laughs something like a cough, the smoke in his lungs bitter and sour compared to the grief in Koa's. It's easier to be angry, to hate and hurt, because what-ifs and whys cut deeper and he doesn't want to look behind their looming shadows to see the bleeding arteries of childhood hopes that had never grown up. [say]"Yeah, and didn't come back until one of your soldiers pulled me outta the wreckage of Starfall. All he cared about was his guilt."[/say] And for better or worse Jude had known too much about those feelings, his dad an open book who'd tried to teach emotional honesty from a place too fragile for success. But Jude doesn't want to empathize, because when does his hurt start mattering? [say]"Always said he wouldn't disappear like my moms. What a joke,"[/say] he croaks, the huffed exhale of dark humor not managing to conceal the thickness of his voice. He may have abandoned Jude, but Jude would prefer that over him being dead.
For all his hands are painfully cramping with how tightly he clings to Koa, Jude doesn't expect an invitation to move in. Koa soldiers on - hah - drowning Jude in explanation and options that still can't distract from the startling shine of the initial offer. His jaw is slack but not quite so improper as hanging loose, or his maman would be horrified.
Gods, will he ever escape the desire to be good for parents that stopped wanting him? To do as they say to the letter so that maybe they'll love him enough to stay? He'd stayed in Torchline to bitterly display that at least someone in their family knew the meaning of loyalty. Secretly, he'd hoped that if they ever came back, Jude would have somewhere to welcome them home to. A foundation to build upon.
But they aren't coming back. Jude's loyalty doesn't mean anything, to his family or to Torchline.
[say]"Um. If - if your dad will be okay with it."[/say] It's a weak backdoor failsafe, but Jude wouldn't be able to bear being told to leave for different reasons if it comes down to it. A perfect, heart-preserving lie to keep in Koa's back pocket. Jude slowly leans forward until his forehead comes down on Koa's shoulder. His fingers ache as he unclenches them from the other man's shirt one by one. [say]"If you're sure."[/say] It's a tiny whisper. Noe, Kimo - their opinions don't matter as much as Koa's. To offer this to Jude despite their history is a kindness Jude doesn't feel he deserves, but Koa's storybook princely traits are his only lifeline. Jude will just have to harden his heart against...everything he feels about the Dragoon, so that if Koa comes to regret his decision, it won't finish Jude off for good.
He can definitely manage to do that.
- Fin!