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+---- Thread: I'm not a kid but I'm still young (/showthread.php?tid=1031)
I'm not a kid but I'm still young - Remi - 04-23-2019
Shockingly after Remi and Ronin had their fumbled encounter in the kitchen, everything was just sort of fixed between the two. The awkwardness was gone, their easy and brotherly camaraderie back, and the strange sexual tension between them abated (whether temporarily or forever, Remi couldn't say). But it did make one thing terribly clear to the alchemist: he didn't want to have his heart broken again.
Which meant he needed to have a talk with Sam. From what little he remembered of the bookmaker and all that he'd been told, he was fairly certain that Sam was not the take things casual type. And, given that he was the one who had caused Remi so much pain, the alchemist was unsure if the two of them could ever be casual anyways. There was simply too much there, to much lurking beneath a surface that neither of them could reach. They could skate along merrily enough for a time perhaps, but it would always be there, one fall away.
Remi could never again hear an I love you from the bookmaker and not remember what it was he had done with that love the last time.
But still he couldn't quite let things go just like that, and so, feeling strangely nervous, he knocked on Sam's door.
RE: I'm not a kid but I'm still young - Samuel - 04-23-2019
Sam had had an eventful but not unpleasant few days. Nate had tumbled suddenly into his life in the midst of his situation with Remi, distracting him from it effectively. But as the odd man from 'Jersey' settled in and life returned somewhat to normal, Sam continuing his routine of research, bookmaking and minding his store, his mind did turn back to Remi.
He wasn't really sure how to feel. He didn't know Remi, not really. Only through the lens of his past words, which bore holes he must have once held filled in his mind. But what was written spoke so closely to his desires to be known, understood, loved...that Remi had once done it played with his hopes. The idea it was possible for him to be wanted in an way was something so delicious he could not easily let it go.
It was evening and for the moment his mind was occupied with a book he was reading, something on language changes within the last fifty years. He wasn't a linguist but wondered if it would help him make his books more readable for the older generation among them, who knew things by different names. He wasn't sure where Nate was but Mia was curled up by his feet, the fire on low and a cup of tea in his hand.
At the knock, he assumed it was Nate come home. Sam stood and walked to the door, pausing when he opened it to see Remi for just a moment. [say]"Oh! Hello Remi. I wasn't sure when to expect you."[/say] He marvelled at the steadiness of his own voice given the way his stomach had flipped as soon as they had met eyes. [say]"Please, come in. Are you alright?"[/say]
RE: I'm not a kid but I'm still young - Remi - 04-23-2019
As the door opened, Remi's stomach too lurched unsteadily and he found himself blinking at the butterflies suddenly aflutter. [say]"Sorry, I suppose I might have mentioned. I can come back if it is not a good time?"[/say]
But Sam was already ushering him inside. Stepping in, Remi glanced around as if looking for some sort of distraction he might latch onto. But what he saw was not exactly what he thought he would. Indications of someone else?
[say]"Do..you have company? I can come back."[/say] Remi asked a touch uncertainly, turning and offering Sam a hesitant and skeptical look.
RE: I'm not a kid but I'm still young - Samuel - 04-23-2019
[say]"Oh, no, it is fine. I was just doing some reading...as always, I suppose."[/say] Sam laughed to himself quietly and shut the door behind Remi, watching the other man glance about. This probably wasn't the first time he'd been to his house...in fact he knew it wasn't. But he still felt nerves as if it was the first time, as if Remi would be judging everything he saw.
The question caught him off guard. He had been trying to keep things tidy; was it so obvious Nate had been here? [say]"No, no. He's out. I...have acquired an Outlander. He had nowhere to stay, so..."[/say] He shrugged. [say]"But we seem quite different people, for he enjoys going out and drinking until the early hours of the morning. I suspect we shall not see him for a while. So please, sit. I will make you some tea."[/say]
Sam took one of the chairs by the fireplace and smiling as Mia immediately jumped up onto his knee, leaned forward to pour a second cup of tea for Remi. [say]"How is Ronin?"[/say] He asked, trying his best to avoid the elephant in the room. [say]"I did look for books to do with his situation, but I struggled to find anything truly relevant for you."[/say]
RE: I'm not a kid but I'm still young - Remi - 04-23-2019
Turning, Remi regarded Sam with a softly interrogative expression. His eyebrows moved together ever so slightly as he tried not to read too much into the words he was hearing. Outlander. He. [say]"That is very kind of you."[/say] Remi said after a moment, biting the inside of his cheek. Sam seemed to be the sort who liked to be alone, or at the very least, who would not like the shack-up with the sort of man he was describing.
And with so many empty houses in the domiciles what reason could there be for him to have acquired such a man? Remi wasn't the jealous type, but still his mind did begin to wonder, until he forcefully redirected it to other thoughts.
[say]"Thank you."[/say] Remi said, sitting down and accepting the cup. Though he couldn't purr, for a moment his eyes flashed a feline golden as he looked at Mia, smiling fondly down at her. [say]"Oh he is...well. Back to his old tricks, I suppose."[/say] Remi replied with a laugh. Nodding appreciatively, Remi leaned back in his chair and shrugged. [say]"No...Safrin said as much, that it was not the sort of thing that normally occurred..."[/say] Taking another sip of his tea, Remi smiled down into the mixture and ran a hand thoughtfully through his curls. [say]"Thank you for checking for me. I appreciate it."[/say] He added, glancing up, a touch of hesitation and nervousness in his boyish and pale gaze.
RE: I'm not a kid but I'm still young - Samuel - 04-23-2019
[say]"Well. If I'm being honest, he wouldn't really leave me alone."[/say] Sam sighed in a way that was vaguely irritated, but he didn't really mind too much. While he was resistant to company, and he found Nate...grating, to say the least, it was nice to have some simple conversation. Something where there was no hidden past or secrets between them, just two strangers (one of them very flirtatious) and a world to explain and explore.
He watched with interest the way Remi's eyes changed as he looked down to Mia. Could he speak to her, Sam wondered. What would she have to say? He suddenly found himself hoping that his cat told Remi she was well cared for (which she was). He would not want his cat to be giving him a bad reputation with those he wanted to impress.
[say]"It's alright. It is my job as a loreseeker, after all. I just wish I could have been more use."[/say] Sam smiled, then for a moment an awkward silence fell over them both. To break it, not considering that it might lead them right into the conversation he was trying to avoid (for he suspected it would not be good news) Sam looked up to the fireplace, where a golden feather sat above it, held upwards in a piece of wood. [say]"That is the feather I was speaking of before. It's beautiful."[/say]
RE: I'm not a kid but I'm still young - Remi - 04-23-2019
It is my job.
Oh, Remi's heart hummed as he gazed down into his tea. He knew he was reading into things he shouldn't, that he was making mountains out of mole hills but with everything stretched so thin between he and Sam, the unwritten words between the lines seemed to be all there was to them anymore.
Looking up as Sam mentioned the feather, Remi stood and moved to gaze up at it. A small smile pulled at the corner of his lip, and he nodded more to himself than to Sam. Yes. It was definitely one of his, and though Remi had more feathers than he'd ever need, he did not give them out willingly. Not to just anyone. [say]"Yes, it is certainly one of mine."[/say] He said with a small smile. [say]"The type of hawk I am...I have not seen one since coming here."[/say] Remi added, as if to clear up any suggestion that it had been found or come from some other local bird.
Hands folded behind his back, his eyes continued to stare at the feather as his mind began to wander. He knew he needed to start this conversation, but part of him wanted to just find an excuse to leave. To fly out of the window, to leave Sam with more feathers, to press him up against the wall and—
[say]"—Sam."[/say] He said gently, turning to look down at the bookmaker, hands still clasped gently behind his back. [say]"I don't think I can do this.."[/say]
RE: I'm not a kid but I'm still young - Samuel - 04-23-2019
Sam had not meant his words the way Remi took them, but that could sum up their whole relationship, couldn't it? It was his job, yes, but he wouldn't do this for just anybody.
[say]"Oh, I see. Then I am honoured to have it."[/say] He smiled, looking the feather up and down with a renewed appreciation. Not only was it from Remi but it was a rarity, something not of this world; that in of itself was fascinating. There were few gifts he could imagine being better. He was about to mention that, ask if Remi had any other items from his last world he could record--
"I don't think I can do this.."
His gaze snapped back to Remi, tears immediately filling his eyes. But it was bad to cry, probably manipulative or too much. Sam blinked them back desperately, a hand going to his mouth. None of his careful thinking had prepared him for actually hearing Remi say something like that. [say]"I...I see."[/say] He finally mumbled out, looking down at Mia, who stared up at him with the innocent eyes of an animal.
[say]"...That..I mean, that's fine, of course. I understand. I know I am...not...I know I'm..."[/say] He trailed off, his mouth moving but nothing coming out until he tried again: [say]"...Can...I ask why?"[/say] It was a question he was only asking so he could beat himself with the answer later, but he asked it anyway.
RE: I'm not a kid but I'm still young - Remi - 04-23-2019
[say]"Hey—"[/say] He whispered softly, moving to stand nearer to Sam, one arm awkwardly outstretched as if he meant to wipe the tears he'd seen forming. But then Sam was looking down and all Remi could see was the coppery crown of hair and his hand fell silently back to his side.
[say]"I just...I am not sure I can be with anyone."[/say] Remi said in a low, almost repentant voice. Looking over his shoulder at the feather above the mantel, the alchemist bit the inside of his lip, shoulders slumping slightly. [say]"I wanted to be with you, Sam. And I do not mean to keep bringing up what happened...I know that you are not that man...but..."[/say] Turning back towards the bookmaker, a sheen of tears had glazed over his eyes as well, the pressure uncomfortably building behind his nose and between his eyes.
[say]"I can't stop thinking about it."[/say] He continued, voice no more than a whisper, boyishly optimistic face now crumpled. [say]"I have lost so much in my life, but that..."[/say] Remi's face twitched like he was trying not to clench his teeth and failing slightly. Running a hand up his arm (feathers subsequently bloomed in the wake of his fingers), Remi let out a hopeless sort of sigh. [say]"...that hurt more than almost anything I can remember."[/say]
RE: I'm not a kid but I'm still young - Samuel - 04-23-2019
The gentle way Remi spoke, reached forward...it pained Sam's heart. He wanted least of all to be pitied. Especially not by Remi and especially not for this, not for his failures from the past.
Remi said he did not want to be with anyone, but Sam thought that was likely a kindness manufactored for his benefit. Remi was handsome and had a lot of friends. It was clear to Sam he had suitors lined up out of the door, ones without neuroticises and complicated pasts, ones who didn't pause when they came to hard sentences or hide behinds books. [say]"I only wish I could....fix it. If I could find a way to reverse it. ..If I ever do, I will. For me and for you."[/say] Not to hope to be with Remi again but to patch up the holes in his own experience.
He sighed and pulled his knees upward, unsure of what to do with his guilt. [say]"...So...would you like to see me at...at all? I...I think I would like to still-"[/say] Sam steadied his voice, which threatening to dip into tears again. [say]"--Be friends, see each other. Maybe...maybe we could um.."[/say] Suddenly he shook his head. [say]"No, never mind."[/say]
RE: I'm not a kid but I'm still young - Remi - 04-23-2019
Remi smiled sadly, though there was not any hope in it. [say]"From...what I recall of the Voice and that meeting...I would say that your memories are not so much taken as deleted."[/say] There had been a time Remi had toyed with trying to get his memories back from Ludo. Something in his gut told him that the cloaked-god probably had them secreted away somewhere where they could be dangled before the alchemist should the god ever want to try and provoke him into action. But the Voice? No...Remi was almost certain those times were forever lost now.
And part of him truly hated Sam for that. For taking all of their firsts and just willfully throwing them away. Closing his eyes against the rising sea of anger, Remi took a deep breath and exhaled it slowly, nodding gently.
[say]"To see you?"[/say] Remi asked, head tilted softly in Sam's direction. [say]"Of course we can still be friends, but if you mean date..."[/say] Taking a sip of air, Remi's pale eyes roamed momentarily towards the ceiling as if the answers he was searching for might be hung there.
RE: I'm not a kid but I'm still young - Samuel - 04-24-2019
Deleted. What a word. But he couldn't argue with it; Sam knew the Voice as well and was sure she would have viewed his romantic memories as something in inefficient, useless. She did not seem the kind to store them away anywhere precious....still he held a small scrap of hope that there might be some way to capture them again. Perhaps using another Gods powers..it was a lot of hypotheticals he didn't have time for right now, but he did not let go of the idea just yet.
[say]"No, no! I mean friends. Don't...don't worry."[/say] He had, for a moment, been about to suggest a purely physical arrangement. But he knew himself well enough to know he would not be able to seperate touch from feeling, would quickly fall into something that would pull them both further down into chaos.
Sam was quiet for a moment, chewing at his lip. Looking at the fire he recalled something he had practiced saying to Remi a few times when he was by himself, something he felt he needed to say. [say]"There...is something I would like to say to you. And it's not...meant to be an excuse, or to make you feel guilty. I just want to explain and...I suppose just...tell anyone about this."[/say]
[say]"When I...was young. My father.."[/say] He looked up to the portrait above the fireplace, the pale face of the man with a hand clutched on the children's shoulders. [say]"He would always have a problem with something I did. No matter what it was. Sometimes I would wake up to him hitting me and he wouldn't tell me why. I could not do anything to please him. I was often left outside for nights, or left without food, or..."[/say] He hugged himself and shook his head.
[say]"My mother didn't help either, and Evie was always heaped with praise. I tried to kill myself once by running into the barrier. But I got scared, just before I got to it. I stayed out in the Outskirts all night and...when I came back, no one had notice I was gone."[/say] Sam laughed, the sound sharp and not at all funny, tears making his cheeks shine.
[say]"The reason I'm telling you this is...I think...I wasn't...ready for any of this. I'm not ready for a lot of things. I'm still...doing a lot of growing up most people did before. Because I...I spent my childhood running and hiding, not learning."[/say] This was more than he'd ever told anyone about his past, and perhaps it was awkward to tell Remi, whom in their memories he did not know all that well. But he felt a need to justify himself (though he knew it was impossible), lay himself out for Remi to see and know and maybe understand that well..it wasn't him. It was Sam and his dysfunction.
[say]"Throughout all of my diaries, I never believed I was good enough for you. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop, if you know that phrase. I just...I think...I clearly handled it poorly. But I could not bear to let you deal with my horrible, worthless--"[/say] Sam spit out the word as if bitterly yelling at himself. [say]"...Parts of me. I don't know if all of that...helps you to know. But it's...it's what I felt I should tell you. No one else knows the details, so...please don't tell anyone."[/say]
RE: I'm not a kid but I'm still young - Remi - 04-24-2019
For a moment Remi's brows narrowed thinking that was not what Sam had meant at all. Though for as much as he didn't think the bookmaker was capable of a purely physical relationship....well, Remi wasn't sure he was either. What had happened with Ronin seemed the exception that proved the rule.
The words something I would like to say to you filled with alchemist with a cold sense of dread at first, the plethora of things the bookmaker might say next populating in Remi's mind in a way which made him feel slightly dizzy. Gently though he nodded, sitting down in his chair and pulling it slightly forward. Whatever Sam needed to say it sounded...weighty, and though physical space was something he thought the pair needed, at least for now, Remi was happy to let it dwindle.
It didn't take long for Sam to say something that made the alchemist wince sympathetically, his brows drawn together and his pale stare wide with anguish and concern. Still, he thought this was something that Sam might not be able to finish should he be stopped, and so the alchemist let him continue.
However as he neared the ending, spitting out the word worthless, Remi's hand instinctively reached forward for Sam's knee, drawn up and curled against him as it was. Softly his thumb stroked back and forth as he leaned further forward. [say]Hey—"[/say] He whispered with a sharp and knowing sort of confidence. [say]"—you are not worthless."[/say] Remi corrected in a low, but firm voice, his pale stare trying to see past the fence of knees and copper hair that barred Sam's eyes from view.
As the bookmaker mentioned that Remi should keep the story to himself, the alchemist nodded distantly as if it hadn't needed to be said. [say]"I am so sorry for how your family has treated you...even more so that you ever felt like you were not good enough for me."[/say] Remi found these words hard, if not impossible to say. Remi who could recall having been with no one (other than Ronin now, but that was different), who had been so taken with the bookmaker for reasons he couldn't really understand...gently the alchemist shook his head, giving Sam's knee a squeeze, before pulling his hand back and letting it dangle with the other between his own knees.
[say]"If anything it was I who was not good enough for you. You always saw me as far more than I was, needed me to be so much more than I could be..."[/say] Sadly he shook his head.
RE: I'm not a kid but I'm still young - Samuel - 04-24-2019
Sam flinched as Remi reached forward to touch him, not expecting it at all. If anything he expected Remi to be disgusted or embarrassed, to want to run away and leave right away. It was how he felt about himself, after all. When he'd tried to tell Cornelius of this the old man had smiled, told him it wasn't something to talk of; no one else had ever been trusted to listen.
When he finally looked up he smiled at Remi, wondering why it was people apologised for things when they had nothing to do with them. It was automatic, wasn't it? I'm sorry. And yet even though he didn't understand it he found himself swallowing down a wave of emotion from just hearing the words, the acknowledge of his pain. [say]"..For the most part, they leave me alone now."[/say] He said, as if he was trying to reassure the both of them.
Remi insisting that in fact he wasn't good enough was frankly bizarre to Sam. Staring, he shook his head. [say]"No. No that's...ridiculous. If that is anyone's fault it is mine for putting too much pressure upon you. Maybe.."[/say] He sighed and laughed a small, quiet sound. [say]"Perhaps we should...stop insisting we are not good enough, since neither of us wants the other to believe it. Maybe we are...both good, but...not...together. At least not now."[/say] He felt odd as he said these words, as if he were saying something both very positive and awfully dreadful.