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Therapy - Maea - 04-27-2025
I argued with a friend a few days ago. She had discovered that I withheld some details on a matter, and came charging into my house to demand answers. The more I explained, however, the worse it got. Apparently I am intolerant, I have too many morals and I can't read subtext... and the honesty she asked for drove her out the door again. The funny thing is, I could have accepted that I was at fault if the core issue wasn't cannibalism. Is it... am I really intolerant for not wanting that in my life? Am I going insane here - because it feels like it. All the rules I ever understood seem to have been upended and I don't understand anything anymore.
I tried to look at nature, to see where I was getting it wrong... but it didn't help. It only seems to underline how I'm somehow in the wrong even though I don't how to be any different or see anything differently... how am I to look at cruel, horrible things and just carry on with my day without falling apart?
/Maea
RE: Therapy - Elizabeth - 04-27-2025
Maea,
I'm sorry to hear of your recent struggles. Sometimes words from a friend can be the most hurtful, but you have a right to choose who and what you tolerate in your life. If cannibalism is something that you find morally inexcusable, then there is no reason you have to associate yourself with such people; however, you must also accept that other people may feel the same about your attachment to your ethical boundaries.
Building relationships with people is about finding common ground and deciding what you are and aren't willing to compromise while being considerate of the other person's emotions. No one is perfect, and it often takes lots of time and open communication to reach an understanding of each other. Stand strong in what you believe, but be receptive to others opinions, and you will find your true friends.
Remember, there will always be cruelties in life that you cannot change - that it is not your responsibility to change. If you have time, write some of your observations of the animals and their relationships to each other. You may find interest in how the predators are treated outside of their hunting states.
I hope to hear more from you soon.
Sincerely,
Elizabeth
RE: Therapy - Maea - 04-28-2025
Thank you for your letter, and for responding so quickly to my rant. I have been doing what you suggested and read up on a variety of animals, and on human behaviour and civilisations as well. It was eye opening, if not always pleasant reading. As it turns out, what I've considered to be a rare and uncommon sign of insanity is not only very common in the natural world but surprisingly prevalent in the human race as well. Across continents, in times of war and famine but also during times of peace, out of starvation, rage, as vengeance and torment but also for no apparent reason other than pleasure.
I... don't know what to make of it. How to feel about it. If cannibalism is as natural in humans as it is in frogs or fish, then what is the point of empathy? It seems counterintuitive to have the capacity to feel for something you are designed to hunt. Certainly it's not helping me stay close to my 'pack', if ancients were to be equated with wolves, because very few of my values align with theirs, from what I've seen so far. I'm not promiscuous. I don't drink when I'm on my own. I... even if I do occasionally take pleasure in a hunt, the feelings of satisfaction are short lived and I dwell on them long after another Ancient have forgotten about it. I hate the thought of killing, or inflicting undue pain, and all of these things... they're so unlike any of the others that I feel like there's something wrong with me.
In the midst of our argument, my friend said that my values are from a past life that don't fit anymore. Like they're a set of clothes I can just strip away and exchange if I try hard enough. Is she... right? The truth is, I really am a different being now than I was born as. Maybe different rules really do apply. Am I a fool to still think of myself as a sheep even with these wolf's teeth in my mouth?
It is beyond frightening, to even think that the person I was doesn't exist anymore. That I might not belong among the people I care about. That embracing this... this 'new' Maea might place me on the other side of a line that can't be crossed. I know how the people of Whitebrim were treated. I know how the Ascended were dealt with. I know how I have treated the person who is so different from myself. And I'm terrified... so damned afraid of being lumped in with 'them' that I'm doing exactly what I'm afraid of myself. Creating a rift, taking sides, judging and drawing lines just to make it plain that I'm not 'one of them'. Make that make sense!
The thing is... even if I realize all these things, even if I say out loud that I am wrong, and I'm sorry, I don't... know how to stop. How to change. How to stop pushing others away because I'm afraid they'll die or disappear, like so many others have. I don't know... how to let people in, anymore. How to trust. Especially not when it will really hurt to get it wrong.
I keep doing that exercise you taught me, and I meditate every day, and it still feels like I am drowning. Is there anything else I could do? Being in my own skin has rarely felt so uncomfortable.