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my heart stumbles on things I don't know - Remi - 07-08-2019
With cheeks made slightly pink from drinking a bottle of wine with Ronin over lunch, Remi made his way to the infirmary. He carried his shirt in his hands, having shucked it off earlier to show Ronin his wound, and now that he was in a place where the wound might be appropriately taken care of, it itched and scattered an array of painful warbles throughout his chest.
The star-pattern of electrical burns caused by Zariah was obvious, but given how many scars now covered Remi's body, it looked strangely at home on his scar-silvered-skin.
[say]"Phoebe?"[/say] Remi called out, his pale eyes narrowed to try and peer through the darkness, despite the fact that infirmary was well-lit. For the alchemist, some places still remained firmly cast in shadow.
RE: my heart stumbles on things I don't know - Phoebe - 07-08-2019
Phoebe didn’t spend a lot of time in the infirmary, but as of late it had become habit to spend a bit more than usual. In her effort to expand her skillset, it seemed the best place to be, where she would encounter a wider array of health concerns. It had been quiet though, and with the infirmary scrubbed clean and organized, sheets changed and pillows fluffed, she found herself with little to do. So she found a seat near the back and began to read a basic medical text, studying in the down time.
But the young blonde popped her head up at the familiar voice. [say]”Remi?”[/say] she called, back, setting aside her studying and standing to go find him. When she did her eyes widened and she gasped. Even with her limited knowledge it was quite clear he had suffered some sort of electrical shock. [say]”Oh my goodness, how did this happen?”[/say] she said worriedly. She rushed to his side, giving him a small verbal warning that she was going to touch him before placing a hand on his shoulder and the other on his arm to guide him to a bed.
First she pulled out her mortar and pestle she had inherited from Isla, mixing up a batch of the numbing cream to apply to his chest.
RE: my heart stumbles on things I don't know - Remi - 07-08-2019
[say]"I can see you.."[/say] Remi said gently. [say]"...well...sort of."[/say] He could explain later. For now, the tightness across his skin was growing increasingly more aggravating to bear. Wrapping an arm around her as she guided him towards the bed, the alchemist thankfully flopped down onto the cool sheets, as he gazed up at the mid-wife. [say]"It was Zariah."[/say] He said in a low tone, his voice uncharacteristically hard and lacking most of its normal warmth.
Hearing the sound of the mortar and pestle, Remi heaved a small sigh of relief. Placing his arms behind his head to give her better access, Remi glanced up into Phoebe's face, which was awash in soft pastel hues. [say]"You look beautiful. Not that you did not always, but now you are..."[/say] Reaching up a hand softly as if to caress her cheek, Remi stopped and hummed a sad note in the back of his throat.
[say]"I saw Emmett a day or two ago.."[/say] He said, brows raising softly to see if his friend wanted to discuss what had happened.
RE: my heart stumbles on things I don't know - Phoebe - 07-08-2019
[say]"Really? How?"[/say] she said in surprise. Though, now that she looked at his eyes, he did seem to be tracking movement better than before. Once the pestle was filled she carefully applied the numbing cream to the wound. But the revelation of who this came from made her freeze, and she looked up at him with wide-eyed concern. [say]"Why?"[/say] she said in almost a whisper, as if the Queen herself might hear them.
She tilted her head to the side and smiled a little. [say]"Well, thank you. What do I look like that is so different?"[/say] she asked. Her expression fell through as he mentioned Emmett. Her eyes dropped to his chest, focusing on her work. [say]"I see. So he hasn't managed to get himself hung for treason yet."[/say] she said voice tight with emotion. [say]"I am sure he told you how cowardly I am and how I cannot be trusted with children?"[/say] she said, lips pursing.
RE: my heart stumbles on things I don't know - Remi - 07-09-2019
[say]"Honestly, I am not quite sure."[/say] Remi said with a small smile and shrug. How did anything happen in this strange world? He'd all but stopped questioning it, especially when the effects were good for once.
Hissing in a breath as Phoebe began to apply the cream, the alchemist bit down on the whine of pain that bubbled in the back of his throat. Quickly though the ointment took effect and Remi couldn't even feel Phoebe's fingers against his skin anymore. [say]"She wanted something from me and I..."[/say] Closing his eyes and running his fingertips across his closed lids, he shook his head slightly. [say]...I suppose I was not fast enough for her liking."[/say]
Tilting his head to look up at the midwife, Remi smiled with a radiant sort of affection. [say]"Everything else in this room is just black and grey, except for you. It is almost as if you were painted, smudged at the edges perhaps, but.."[/say] Trailing off, Remi beamed up at Phoebe, at least until the conversation shifted and her unhappiness was more than evident.
Frowning up at her, Remi reached out to catch one of her hands, softly folding his own into it. [say]"No, nothing of the sort. He loves you Phoebe, and for as hurt as I think he is, he would not speak so ill of you. He only said that..."[/say] Swallowing with a sad frown, Remi sighed. [say]"..that your differences were too much."[/say]
RE: my heart stumbles on things I don't know - Phoebe - 07-09-2019
[say]”A miracle then.”[/say] Phoebe said with a smile, regarding his eyes. Frey probably would have given her a more technical answer, after rolling their eyes at the absurdity of miracles given their perspective as a god, but for now it was a suitable explanation.
Phoebe ignored the hiss of pain, knowing it would only last a moment before the cream took effect, and it was unavoidable. But she did feel a bit bad for him. His answer to her question made her sigh, a frown curving her lips. [say]”Nobility are the same everywhere. Selfish and impatient.”[/say] she mumbled, irritated on his behalf, which showed in the slight puff of her cheeks. [say]”I’m sorry, Remi. I’ll make sure you get all good and patched up.”[/say]
She put away the mortar and pestle once the burn was fully covered in the cream. Then she pulled out a second ointment from a nearby supply closet. This contained various herbs used to prevent infection and soothe pain and swelling. [say]”Like I am painted? Well, you get the privilege of seeing my one and only portrait then!”[/say] she said with a bright grin, applying the second salve to his wound.
But the conversation turned sour once more, and despite Remi’s attempts to not speak terribly ill of Emmett, she couldn’t bring any levity to the situation. [say]”Well good to know he only says such ill things of me directly to my face and not behind my back. Because he did say those things you know.”[/say] she said, her tone clipped and hurt. She let Remi hold her hand, frowning as she stared at the ground. [say]”If he loved me, he would have tried to work it out. But he didn’t.”[/say] she said quietly, looking over at her…brother. Remi was her brother. Plain and simple. [say]”I would have sat there all night hashing it out, trying to find some common ground. But because I didn’t agree with him right away, he chose to walk away.”[/say] she said voice steady, but her eyes conveying what she felt: hurt, sadness, heartbreak, betrayal. [say]”You don’t just walk away like that if you love someone. You fight to the bitter end. He didn’t even try. He never loved me.”[/say] she said, just above a whisper, eyes welling with tears.
RE: my heart stumbles on things I don't know - Remi - 07-09-2019
Chuckling happily as Phoebe continued to work, especially now that he mercifully couldn't feel anything, Remi relaxed back onto the bed. His fingers laced through his curls to continue to give the midwife easy access, he watched her expression change; first subtly, and then quite clearly.
[say]"I think...as far as first loves go, what one feels and how they should act do not always align."[/say] This he said, without any real conviction. With his feelings and memory of Loren now only second-hand information in his mind, he could study his past decisions through a much more objective lens. He'd been a fool with Loren, had made mistakes, done things wrong...but the first blush of love was intoxicating. An addiction that quite literally took a god lobotomizing part of his brain to eradicate.
[say]"Hey."[/say] Remi cooed softly, squeezing Phoebe's hand gently. It was all he could do, as sitting up would cause the cream she'd so carefully applied to drip uselessly down his chest. [say]"You two have had problems before that you have worked out...while I do not agree with him walking away, perhaps he just needs time."[/say] Could this have all been handled better? Definitely it could.
Did that mean it had to be over?
RE: my heart stumbles on things I don't know - Phoebe - 07-09-2019
Phoebe wiped her hands on a rag once the salve was applied, sighing at Remi’s words. For a time she fell silent, sitting there next to him as the salved soaked in a little so she could more easily apply a bandage to his chest. Eventually she rose from the bed and rummaged around for some bandages, returning to Remi’s side once she found them. But she didn’t move to place them on yet, clearly lost in her own mind. But at length, she looked back up at him again, lips still curved in an uncharacteristic frown.
[say]”Last time we spoke of Emmett, you said I had not thought things through, that I was being short-sighted and idiotic.”[/say] she said, to frame what she was about to say. [say]”So this time, I am trying to be rational and…mature about it.”[/say] she said, looking down at her hands again for a moment. Her eyes welled with tears briefly, indicating that whatever was to come next was very difficult for her to admit.
[say]”If his solution to every disagreement or argument we have is to walk away, it will never work.”[/say] she said, looking up at Remi with glassy eyes. [say]”So say I wait a few weeks and in that time we manage to work things out and make-up. Then we have another argument over something and the same thing happens and this just repeats itself forever; what if we had children? He gets mad and so he leaves for a few weeks?”[/say] she pressed her lips together and took a deep breath in through her nose, trying to calm herself down. An errant tear started to roll down her cheek and she quickly wiped it away. [say]”He doesn’t love me. He loves the idea of me…the idea of who I was. I don’t want to just blindly accept whatever a man tells me is truth anymore. I should be respected enough to find my own and have differences and that be fine – or at least enough respect to be worth taking the time to talk it all through. Emmett wants who I used to be, the quiet girl, ready to be the perfect moldable wife, unquestioning, without thought. That is what this proved, didn’t it?”[/say] she said, looking back up at Remi, eyes hazy with tears.
[say]”It isn’t right for him to hold the security of our relationship over my head so that I will agree with him, and that is exactly what that all is.”[/say] she whispered.
RE: my heart stumbles on things I don't know - Remi - 07-09-2019
As Phoebe returned, the alchemist slipped an arm around her to encourage her back to where she'd been seated. The salve was working better than he could have expected, and so whatever jostling she might have caused was hardly noticed. Even if it had been though, Remi would have ignored it. Some temporary pain was a more than fair trade so that he could comfort his friend.
Raising a brow Remi listened, wondering what potentially getting pregnant had to do with ideological differences about rulers was. He was glad that they had at least talked about things, which had been the problem with the pregnancy situation before, though.
Looping an arm around Phoebe as the tears glistened in earnest in her eyes, Remi sighed as if wounded, feeling regret and shame on behalf of all men at that moment. [say]"Men are...slow. And stupid. That Emmett walked away..it might have more to do with how he was raised, or not wanting to hurt you more, or just being...you know, young. And unsure."[/say] Pausing as she continued, Remi nodded, understanding colouring his too-pale stare. [say]"True...but perhaps not in the heat of the moment you two could talk about a better way to handle your problems? In the midst of a fight...that is not really the best time to also add in communication issues."[/say] He added, offering her a crooked and apologetic sort of wince.
Hearing her talk about not being able to make choices for herself, of not wanting to be told what to do struck a chord of concern in Remi, who sat up, gazing at Phoebe in earnest now. [say]"No, you are right. You should never be made to feel that way..."[/say] He said, cheeks flushing with an unhappy sort of pulse from low within his belly.
[say]"Is that really what he did?"[/say]
RE: my heart stumbles on things I don't know - Phoebe - 07-09-2019
She made no effort to move away, in fact she scooted closer, letting her head lightly rest on his shoulder as he tried to reason with her. Phoebe would not argue with his points. She agreed men were slow. He was young. Communication issues didn’t help. But did any of it make-up for what he did? Moreover what he didn’t do? Her heart was hurting, and his words and actions had cut her deeply enough to have her questioning everything.
”Is that really what he did?”
[say]”It feels like it.”[/say] she said, falling back on what Frey had once told her. It didn’t matter so much if it technically was or was not, but that she felt he had that was important. She closed her eyes, trying to think back to the conversation. [say]”I disagreed with him. I said I didn’t think the things Zariah laid out were that terrible, and that I didn’t think it mattered much anyways because someone like me or him trying to do anything will just get us killed.”[/say] she said, still feeling like the pragmatic nature of her statements made some sense. Clearly Zariah was willing to viciously attack those who did not follow her letter to the nth degree.
[say]”Then he said that meant I was cowardly and that I couldn’t be trusted to watch his siblings because I would just hand them over to her and he felt like he just needed to leave until the whole Queen thing blowed over and to come find him if I needed him. I told him that I didn’t want him holding the relationship over my head like that so either end it or talk it out. I thought he was going to but as soon as I disagreed with him he just left. He didn’t even try to work it out.”[/say] she said swallowing a lump in her throat. [say]”The same thing happened the last time we fought. I was mad because he said awful things about Outlanders, and he just kept saying I didn’t understand until I relented and forgave him.”[/say]
RE: my heart stumbles on things I don't know - Remi - 07-10-2019
Raising his arm slightly to allow her to cuddle closer, Remi's fingers softly whispered through her hair. [say]"That is certainly the worst thing about Zariah."[/say] The alchemist agreed with a gentle hum. [say]"A good deal of what she is doing and what she wants does make sense. It is the rest of it...the violence, the threats..."[/say] He shook his head slightly. It was likely what made her such a polarizing figure. Her leadership highlighted fundamental differences in what people believed: was the bad worth the good?
For Emmett it seemed, the answer was no.
Groaning slightly, Remi ran a hand across his eyes. In the back of his mind he thought he'd very like to shake a bit of sense into Emmett—perhaps Phoebe too—but knew it was not a situation he could simply reach into and fix. Such was the role of being a brother, apparently. [say]"That just sounds like the sort of thing someone says when they want to lash out."[/say] Remi observed with a sigh.
Hugging Phoebe closer, Remi bit his lip and considered. [say]"I do think you are wrong about one thing."[/say] He said slowly. [say]"I think you can truly love someone and...be an idiot about it. You can love them and be selfish and not want to work things out. Or want to try. It takes more than love to make a relationship work."[/say]
RE: my heart stumbles on things I don't know - Phoebe - 07-10-2019
Phoebe didn’t know the extent of Zariah’s wrong doings, though it was especially clear now that she was far from a benevolent monarch. Her eyes fell to the wound on Remi’s chest, soaking in the ointment she had placed on it. [say]”The violence, the threats, and yet what tools have I to change any of it?”[/say] she said quietly. It wasn’t necessarily about liking the Queen or the situation for the midwife, it was about making the best of a situation she had no power to alter. There was nothing she could do. [say]”I can do more good if I quietly obey than if I fight the injustices. It is where I am most useful.”[/say] She wasn’t strong. She wasn’t a fighter. She was a healer – and if she could just get by undetected, she just might be able to assist those who had the strength to fight back.
Perhaps Emmett’s words had simply been a moment of anger, and she could forgive that. It was the walking away, knowing what it meant, she wasn’t sure she could forgive.
Her frown deepened as Remi spoke, a few tears rolling down her cheeks. [say]”I don’t want that to be true.”[/say] she said quietly. [say]”I don’t…why am I not worth fighting for then? Why am I not enough?”[/say] she said, just above a whisper, pulling her lower lip between her teeth.
RE: my heart stumbles on things I don't know - Remi - 07-10-2019
Remi hummed softly, leaning his cheek against the top of Phoebe's head as his fingers continued to lovingly play with her hair. [say]"Two decades of being a commoner does not a revolutionary make. Not even after a year of being here."[/say] The alchemist agreed with a half-hearted shrug. That didn't necessarily get them off the hook, not really, but it was comforting to know that Remi wasn't the only one who felt entirely unprepared to simply take on Zariah.
Encircling the midwife with both arms now, cream be damned, Remi made soft shhhhing motions into her hair, pressing a kiss against her temple. [say]"Not you. Him. The worst part is, he will probably realize it too, and then it will be too late. These sorts of things...while we might understand why people do them, it does not change that they have been done."[/say] He murmured, thinking of Sam deciding to erase his memories of Remi. Did the alchemist understand? Sure. Could he forgive Sam? He certainly was trying. Would it ever be okay?
Never.
[say]"I am so sorry Phoebe."[/say] He whispered against her, his fingers gently stroking one of her arms as he hummed softly.
RE: my heart stumbles on things I don't know - Phoebe - 07-10-2019
Phoebe shook her head against his shoulder, in agreement oddly enough. She was no revolutionary. She was no combatant. And even as the signs grew increasingly impossible to ignore, she questioned whether it mattered or not. [say]”Maybe we should just both find some mountains to move to and live as hermits.”[/say] she mumbled, feeling it easier to run from this problem than fight it.
She did not care about the medicinal cream smudging onto her dress. The blonde turned into Remi, hiding in his arms, face pressed into the crook of his neck. Not you. Him. Not knowing fully why the knowledge tugged so strongly on a raw nerve, the tears in her eyes welled up and spilled over, running down her face. A sob caught in her throat, muffled by his shoulder. It would be so much easier if it were her. It was so much easier to hate herself, to be disappointed in her own inabilities, than it was to know that it wasn’t her fault. It meant there was nothing she could change, nothing she could do, no apologies that would fix what was wrong. The power to do so sat in Emmett’s hands, and he cast it aside.
For a few painful moments she simply cried, as she had when Emmett first left, feeling broken and shattered. But this time she was not alone, and soon enough she stifled her tears, only the slightest tremble in her shoulders indicating how precarious this peace was. [say]”Don’t be sorry. It isn’t your fault or anything that can be fixed.”[/say] she whispered, pulling back her head so she could wiped her cheeks dry. [say]”I’m sorry…You’re hurt and I’m a blubbering mess.”[/say] she said with a mirthless giggle.