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+---- Thread: Flickering Memories (/showthread.php?tid=1651)
Flickering Memories - Phoebe - 08-21-2019
Phoebe had stood in front of the lantern for her lost child for a long time. Even after Sunjata had come and held her. Even after others stepped up to place lanterns around it. She had told herself when she met Ludo after she miscarried that she would set her grief aside and move forward. And she had moved forward, she had done a great many things since then, but she had never stopped grieving. She would have been but a few months away from being fully at term now. Her belly would have been large and round, her back would have ached, her nursery would have been nearly perfect, and she would have been so happy and excited to hold her child.
Instead, all she held was herself as silent tears rolled down her cheeks.
But eventually she pulled herself away, Pim carrying their small basket in his jaws, her hand seeking out Jata’s. There was an empty spot near a fire where she laid out the blanket she had brought for them to sit on. In the basket were a number of treats – lemon bars for Jata of course and some apple cider donuts and pumpkin hand pies…as well as a bottle or two of wine. She sat on the blanket in silence, grabbing a donut, honeyed eyes flickering with gold as she stared blankly into the fire, cheeks stained with tears and sunny countenance marred with a frown.
RE: Flickering Memories - Sunjata - 08-21-2019
He had held her for however long she needed, the both of them still grieving the untimely loss of perhaps the most important parts of them. And he had remained silent the entirety of it, letting her do what she needed, like how she had done for him. And when she finally begins to move, hand slipping to grab his own, he follows her and Pim to the place she has laid out, a place to watch and survey, to reminisce and think, and she had grabbed a donut after sitting onto the blanket.
He sits too, nearby her as he folds his legs beneath him and leans forward, perusing the basket for the lemon bars as he decides whether or not he wants one. Steel eyes flick up toward her and he notices the tears that have streaked her face. Frowning to himself, he reaches for her hand gently, not sure if she wants to talk about it but thinking it might help. So he squeezes her hand and lets his gaze soften on her face. “[say]Do you want to talk about the happy memories?[/say]” He asks her, not knowing much about what happened other than it has. But surely there’s some happiness within it, and for all the amount of times he’s not good with words, he’s decided today he can try.
RE: Flickering Memories - Phoebe - 08-21-2019
Pim and curled up on the corner of the blanket closest to the fire, watching the people around them warily, very much on guard. But Phoebe had told him not to growl at people today so he didn’t, just glared as menacingly as a pink dragon can.
The hand in hers brought her out of her blank reverie, and Phoebe glanced over at Jata in surprise. She smiled a little, realizing the effort her was making. Quietly she scooted closer to him so she could lean against his side as she looked into the bonfire. [say]”It happened very early on so there weren’t many. I would still be pregnant now actually.”[/say] she said quietly, shrugging lightly. [say]”If I wasn’t a midwife, I am not sure I would have even noticed the signs but…I was so happy.”[/say] she said whispering the last bit.
She paused, trying to collect herself as she watched the fire. The blonde stuffed a bite of donut in her mouth to keep the tears at bay. [say]”It’s stupid and boring I suppose but…I’ve always wanted to be a wife and mom…to have a family of my own to take care of. Ever since I was a little girl it’s all I really wanted. And for a moment I had it. I don’t think I have ever been so happy as when I realized I was going to have a baby.”[/say] she said, a small smile curving her lips. [say]”I should’ve known better. Miscarriages are most common at that stage.”[/say]
RE: Flickering Memories - Sunjata - 08-21-2019
She begins to speak, to tell him of it, and he listens diligently, squeezing her hand softly as she tells him she would still be pregnant now. And even if she shrugged it off, he understood the feeling, that elation that glimmers in the idea of something you want so much before it’s ripped away. And he squeezes her hand again when she tells him how happy she was, offering a soft smile to her.
She stuffs her face with a piece of donut and he can tell that it’s difficult for her, and so he waits as long as it takes for her to decide to tell him — if she even does at all. But she claims her wants and dreams and he nods along, despite even knowing that those were things that terrified him, that he didn’t want to even try and think about. He had always gone by the live fast and die young kind of story, having not planned much on settling — until that changed.
He gives her a soft smile in response, a brow lifted toward her as he peruses through the basket for a lemon tart again. “[say]It’s not stupid if it’s your dream.[/say]” He answers roughly, trying to word it the best he can. “[say]It’s hard when your dreams get taken from you, harder when you could nearly touch it.[/say]” His eyes drop to the basket between them, grabbing a lemon tart and sitting back to take a bite out of it.
“[say]Hurts worse, too, but it gets better with time — and knowing the dreams can come true again.[/say]” He glances to her from the side.
RE: Flickering Memories - Phoebe - 08-21-2019
[say]”Maybe not stupid, but definitely boring.”[/say] she said with a small smile at him. Most people dreamed of accomplishing great things, dreams of valor and glory, wealth and immortality. By comparison, her dreams were hardly worth noting, little blips in the scenery of the dreams of others. She nodded in agreement with his other statement though, her eyes looking down at her lap. [say]”The worst part is knowing it was my fault…not on purpose but…my body failed in some way and that is why they aren’t here.”[/say] she said softly, lifting a hand to her eyes to wipe at the tears building up.
She glanced back at him, quiet and considering for a moment. [say]”Maybe it will. Maybe it won’t. I can’t exactly get pregnant on my own.”[/say] she said with a small smile, before stuffing more donut in her mouth, as if the sweet, cinnamony pastry would ease the pain in her heart. Once she swallowed the bite she looked at him again. [say]”Do you want to talk about the happy memories?”[/say] she asked gently.
RE: Flickering Memories - Sunjata - 08-21-2019
While it might have seemed boring to him, he makes no comment on it. He wasn’t in a place to judge people’s dreams, to claim his were better or grander or far more exciting. As far as he knew, he didn’t really have any anymore. But he still listens to her as she speaks, nodding along, figuring out just how she meant it. And he gives her a small nod of consolation when she mentions it was her body. He didn’t know what to say to it, to tell her, because he didn’t know either.
Her next statement makes him snort slightly and he nods with a shrug of his shoulders, biting into the lemon tart. “[say]I suppose that’s a fair point.[/say]” He hums to her after he’s swallowed it, before she rounds the question to him and he turns to focus on her further. “[say]Sure.[/say]” He tells her, willing to try, if only so someone else knew what it had been like.
He finishes his lemon tart and let’s his steel gaze look out over the lanterns people are hanging before he inhales. “[say]I got involved in the underground boxing matches, and Lusea’s father was the one that ran them.[/say]” He tells her, thinking back on it. “[say]I didn’t end up meeting her until I had left a match, barely won, bruised and bleeding and she had tended to me.[/say]” He snorts, a smile crossing his face. “[say]She told me I was a fucking idiot.[/say]” He hums a bit of laughter at the memory before he shakes his head and looks over toward Phoebe. “[say]She worked above in the bar, and so I frequented it to prove to her how much of an idiotic noble I was, and eventually it turned into me stealing her away from her work to go for walks or… Dancing along the rooftops.[/say]” He pauses with another small quiet smile. “[say]We used to curse my fathers name into the ground day after day.[/say]”
RE: Flickering Memories - Phoebe - 08-21-2019
Phoebe listened to him quietly, resting her head on his shoulder as she ate her donut, trying to picture what he was saying. A small smile curved her lips as he discussed how they met, managing a small laugh even. [say]"Most men are fucking idiots."[/say] she said, whispering the swear word because even when repeating she didn't like swearing.
But she continued to listen, eating her donut in contented silence. He spoke so fondly of her, and in a way she could understand. It hadn't ended in fire and brimstone like her and Emmett with tragedy following. The tragedy had caused the end. But it did make her wonder why he would ever want to be with someone like her. Lusea sounded so different, so bold, so strong...she wasn't like that at all. [say]"It sounds like she was a lot of fun."[/say] she said quietly, a small smile on her lips but melancholy on her voice.
RE: Flickering Memories - Sunjata - 08-21-2019
He hears her comment and swings his head to land on her with raised brows and a wider smile. “[say]Phoebe Steadman… Did you just swear?[/say]” He softens his expression before chuckling to himself, a brow raised before he begins to tell her of his happier memories with her, listening while he pauses for Phoebe’s own comment. And perhaps this is why he didn’t want to tell her before, the melancholy that comes over her with it. But she had asked, and he was trying to be more open, and so he continues despite it — pulling his legs up to his chest and looking out over the festival again.
“[say]I have never been a man with a dream, Phoebe. But with her I had a plan. I never wanted to get married, to have children, to do anything in old age.[/say]” His tone is somber when he says it. “[say]I just figured I’d die young, so what’s the point?[/say]” He’s completely honest with the way he says it. “[say]But I had a plan with her. I told her we could run away to Dorobi or somewhere else, get married.[/say]” He tells her before turning his head to her. “[say]She was my plan, my dream. And like yours, it died too.[/say]” He says softly, the combination of the two of them having lost the only dream they had.
RE: Flickering Memories - Phoebe - 08-21-2019
Her cheeks flared red at his reaction and she huffed, shoving the last bite of donut in her mouth. [say]"Yea, I ooh 'at uhm-imz."[/say] she said through the chunk of donut in her mouth to add one more impolite thing to her docket. Then she giggled, covering her mouth with her hands to finish chewing her treat.
But she fell silent again as she continued on. For once she wasn't scandalized to hear someone had never considered having children. First, he was a man. Second, he had quite a good reason not to - the stakes were pretty high against him in the world he came from. For a moment she just sat there, mullinf over his words. At length she took his hand in hers, squeezing it a little. [say]"But like you told me, you can have that again. It won't ever be exactly the same but... just as good certainly."[/say] she said with a small smile.
RE: Flickering Memories - Sunjata - 08-21-2019
He snorts at her before he tells her his tale, a smirk lingering on his face at the reaction he receives before he tells her his tale. It’s somber and all things sad, but he doesn’t expect it when she takes his hand and his head tilts to her with soft steel eyes as she reiterates the very thing he had told her just before, and he nods to her with a soft smile to match her own.
Only problem was that he wasn’t sure he wanted it. He still didn’t have a plan, didn’t know what he was supposed to be doing in a world like this. Perhaps when he figured it out, he might have a better idea of what he wanted to do, but things up until then felt so out in the open. He didn’t know where that left him. But he smiles and nods to her. “[say]Yeah, I suppose that’s true.[/say]” He squeezes her hand with a nod.
RE: Flickering Memories - Phoebe - 08-22-2019
She smiled back at him and nodded. [say]"It is true. My mother always said to me that the first flame of love always burns the hottest, but the second is more stable."[/say] she said, giving him the sage advice before grabbing a pumpkin handpie. Phoebe leaned her head on his shoulder again, looking at the lanterns, taking little bites of her pie as she continued to mull over his words and his story.
Perhaps it was the somber mood, or that he seemed so willing to talk, but it bubbled up her insecurities. [say]"Do you wish I was fun like her?"[/say] she asked quietly at great length, a light frown curving her lips.
RE: Flickering Memories - Sunjata - 08-22-2019
He looks away from her as she speaks, listening to the words and mulling them over as she leans her head onto his shoulder. His eyes drift from lantern to lantern with a small sigh before he nods. “[say]I was never under the guise that a flame was even possible.[/say]” He tells her, looking toward her briefly – perhaps she might connect the dots, nobles rarely married for love. It wasn’t a thing that happened, and Sunjata certainly didn’t think it was something that he would have been so fortunate (unfortunate?) to experience.
Her next question does give him pause, however, and his gaze snaps down to look at her as she rests her head on his shoulder. A fine, tight line that could go wrong so quickly, but he had promised honesty too. He inhales deeply, turning his head away from her again, tightening his arms around his knees as he leans back slightly. “[say]You are your own person, Phoebe.[/say]” He tells her quietly. “[say]She didn’t have all the things you do, the stability. The fun for me was in the instability.[/say]” He admits. “[say]I had lived such a structured life that any attempt to stray from it was the best, and with her there wasn’t any stability, and I liked that. But I am also older now and not in danger of losing my life.[/say]”
RE: Flickering Memories - Phoebe - 08-22-2019
[say]"The flame is always possible. In Caido, the ability to love is a gift from Mort actually."[/say] she said softly, a playful lilt in her tone. [say]"And you can't say nobles didn't love. They just don't marry for it. That's what mistresses are for."[/say] she added with a light laugh.
But he leaned back and so she straightened, looking back at him. Her head tilted slightly as he spoke, and she recalled that he said about words not being his strong suit. [say]"Things can change with age and circumstances, including tastes."[/say] she said with a light shrug, smiling a bit. [say]"But you didn't answer the question. Do you wish I was more like her or...is it okay that I'm not?"[/say]
RE: Flickering Memories - Sunjata - 08-22-2019
He listens to the playful tone she gives him, and he chuckles to her when she mentions mistresses, and for all the things Jata has done and continues to do, that’s never been something he’d wanted. He chews on the inside of his lip, snorting softly. “[say]Never really cared for the idea of mistresses, but I suppose that’s true.[/say]” He replies, shrugging his shoulder lightly to not adjust her too much. Everything that he’d done had been to avoid following the status quo, and again it was the same, he thought.
She straightens and looks to him when he speaks, her head tilting and he puffs out a small sigh, seeing the smile she gives him but it doesn’t make him feel any better. And he leans back further, until his back is touching the blanket in the grass, eyes staring into the sky that’s surrounded by golds and glimmers of lights. “[say]You’re fun in a different way.[/say]” He tells her, trying to figure it out. He did wish she was a bit more like Lusea, but he also knew that beggars couldn’t be choosers, and so he leaves it out. “[say]There are some things that make me wish you were more like her, but I wouldn’t change any of them. I like you as you are and I don’t have any expectations or want to make you into someone you’re not.[/say]” He sits up a bit on his elbows to look at her. “[say]Like I said, you’re your own person, and like you said, people change.[/say]”