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+---- Thread: The Last Thing I Need (/showthread.php?tid=1654)
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The Last Thing I Need - Samuel - 08-21-2019
Sam sat in the temple, eyes ringed red, staring forward.
He didn't even really know why he was there - he had decided to go for an evening walk when his thoughts were so claustrophobic in his house he felt they might choke him; but he had not at all meant to come here. After all it was in the temple where he had been scorned long ago by the Old Gods, hurt so. They were the cause of everyone's amnosity towards his people.
He stared at the altar, wondering why it was he had to be where he was, how he was. Why the Gods let bad things happen and good people get hurt. Why he was such an idiot, saying something like that to Remi-- Pushing his head down into his hands, he stared down at his shoes and considered whether or not he regretted ever leaving his little house and stall and actually talking to people.
Perhaps he had lost Remi, but he had still made friends elsewhere. Jigano, Nate (the thought of the man, his body over Sam's and his strong arms...it was distracting, so he did not linger on it) and...he realised with a sad sigh a lot of the first friends he'd made were now dead or in Ronin's case, soon to be. With a sigh he looked back up, so focused on the altar before him he did not pay attention to any other goings-on within the temple.
RE: The Last Thing I Need - Evie - 09-01-2019
It pretty much goes unquestioned why Evie isn't particularly religious.
Or, it's unquestionable for her, Amalia, and well...nobody else left around to spill the beans on her particular secret. To live your years expected to be perfect, beloved by all including the Mighties On High and all that only to realize you had been born
But no matter how long or how desperately she had hidden in the manor, it was a risk she couldn't chance against the constant choking anxiety of being found out by her parents. So she had ventured out into the world once more, finding everything changed and wrong in her absence. Loved ones missing, the world crumbling in black-goo mess, Ascendeds rising left and right in a turn of events that turned everyone against each other.
To say Evie needed guidance was an understatement.
She finds herself in the Temple, the stifling silence as oppressive as it is comforting, eyes drifting away from everyone else inside and awarding her anonymity she desperately needs in this moment. Evie sinks onto one of the empty pews farther from the altar, silt-stained hands gripping tight to the back of the one in front of her to try and still the shaking of them. It feels like a slight against the Gods she was raised to revere, to be sitting here seeking guidance when they would sooner turn a blind eye to her entire existence. Still, she bows her head, fiery hair falling in a curtain to conceal her face as she squeezes her eyes shut and breathes shakily.
Please, I can only do so much. I can't heal this, I can't face this war brewing. How am I supposed to survive, to help others survive with this cursed magic, when I can't even hear your voices?
Of course nothing comes as she remains seated there for countless minutes, trying not to hope but failing. Someday she will stop feeling like a failure, like a broken girl, but today is not that day. Instead she stands with a wobble, pushes her hair back and fixes her face into something serene and far-away. And only then does she recognize the shock of matching hair on the man near the altar.
Evie isn't proud to say she hesitates. They are likely the worst twins in existence, and they both have bitter grudges and threads of malcontent that stain and entangle every interaction they have. But...she hasn't seen him in so long. Understandably, considering she'd been hiding in the one place Sam would never go. But as much as he infuriated her, as much as his clueless words stung, he was still her brother. Family.
Before she can consider it further her feet are pulling her forward towards the altar, towards her brother. Even from the side angle she gets as she nears down the aisle, he doesn't look good. Evie hesitates for just a moment, instincts still torn, before she smoothly sits beside him. Facade firmly in place but thinner than normal in her own moment of weakness, she slings her arms over the back of the pew and crosses her legs without taking her eyes off the altar.
[say]"You look like hell,"[/say] she comments idly, though the sharpness is almost entirely missing and it falls pretty flat on delivery. If he cared to look he would see her own freshly reddened eyes, the blotchiness of her cheeks, but Sam had always lived in his own little me-me-me world. Why would he care about his twin now? [say]"What are you here for?"[/say] It skirts around multiple unasked questions: what's wrong? Do you still hold faith in these Gods? Do you really think any of this, any of us, can be fixed?
RE: The Last Thing I Need - Samuel - 09-01-2019
If he heard the footsteps approaching, Sam did not look up - hoping that whoever it was would pass by unspoken, leave him be to be miserable and alone with his thoughts. But she didn't; the second he heard Evie's voice he jerked and looked up, staring at her (and flicking his eyes about to look for his parents, who were thankfully absent).
[say]"...I feel like it."[/say] He said slowly, guardedly, unsure if the statement had been one born of sympathy or mockery. [say]"...I don't know, really. It's just somewhere to be by myself -- that is...if you think we are alone."[/say] Nervously, he glanced to the altar, wondering if they were being watched. Of course, Evie being Accepted, he was sure they would be happy to see her here.
Looking at his sister a bit closer (and she was clearly his sister. They had the same eyes, the same way of holding their hands, knuckles just bent, when they stood) he noticed that she had a face to match his. After a moment of hesitation where he would have taken a breath had he still breathed, he shuffled to the side so he could see her better and speak.
[say]"...Why are you here? You look...upset, too."[/say] Did she know? What he had done?
RE: The Last Thing I Need - Evie - 09-04-2019
Evie only holds back her snort at Sam's jumpiness with the strength of years of repeated mantras about propriety. As if it mattered in this day and age. Still, she does roll her eyes slightly, even if it's more listless than mocking. Of the three in Sam's life, Evie had always been a cruel viper, but she had never gone as far as their parents had. Nobody could, she personally believed. They tried so hard to force their children into molds, only for both to helplessly break them despite all their best efforts. Bitter irony.
The question he poses is a trick question. One that clogs her throat and freezes her tongue. Evie stares forward, her gaze hard and strained as her mind frantically flits through the different answers she could give. Some more revealing and suspicious than others. This was why she avoided Sam most days. His ignorance was a source of constant anxiety for Evie. Dancing around the topic of her Abandoned state was more exhausting than anything she'd ever experienced in the Wordsworth household.
[say]"Of course we're alone,"[/say] she states tersely. [say]"If they were here, I'm sure we would know pretty immediately."[/say] It's dismissive, wanting to move on quickly from the topic of the Gods and their questionable presence in the temple. Evie had spent so many years of her life lying. In time she found that less was more, and fewer details meant fewer things that could trip her up in the future or reveal her hand.
Sam shuffles to look at her better, and Evie clenches the hand furthers from him to keep herself still and unreactive. She's aware of how she must look even without a mirror, and while part of her is surprised he's brave enough to ask her when he knows the lash of her tongue so well, the other part - lonely, lost, yearning for a bridge to cross this gap between them - is grateful.
[say]"Not too gentlemanly, asking about a lady's hysteria Sam,"[/say] she points out with her familiar teasing sharpness. This, at least, she can always fall back on. More of a defensive maneuver, a shield, than anything else. A moment goes by where her heart pounds against her breast, her breaths a little too short, before she concedes. [say]"You're not the only one who needs a place to hide."[/say] The wretchedness of her tone is a little too bare, too blatant. But what does it matter? She has lost so much already. Sam's esteem is the last on her list to care about losing now.
RE: The Last Thing I Need - Samuel - 09-04-2019
[say]"Mmm."[/say] Sam noncommitally replied, knowing better than to die on inconsequential hills with his family. Because really, he believed they were never alone. The Voice always seemed to know where he had been and what had happened, and from what others had said their experiences with Old Gods were similar.
They were always there, watching, judging. It was not at all a comforting image for his paranoid mind. At least Evie moved on quickly. Probably didn't want to discuss the Old Gods with a cursed Ascended, he supposed.
[say]"I don't know if I'd say you were hysteric, and as for the rather formal term 'lady'..."[/say] He smiled faintly, with just a glimmer of what they could be; sibling teasing, a joke designed to make her feel better even if he didn't know that was what he was doing. There had always been a part of him that had wanted deeply to be her brother.
Pushing his hair back with a sigh, he fixed her with a sideways look. [say]"I...understand you likely do not want to speak to me about it, whatever it is. But I would listen."[/say]
RE: The Last Thing I Need - Evie - 09-06-2019
Evie can smell acquiescence from a mile away with Sam. He so often bows to her strong will and her bitter outbursts that she has developed a hawklike focus for when he evades such confrontations. Instead of calling him out this time, she lets it slip by. Oh, she knows exactly how Sam's anxiety-ridden mind operates. Of course he would think the Gods would have nothing better to do than keep a sharp, judging eye upon him.
Evie? Evie has no such delusions. Even just by sitting next to him, she has surely shrouded him in the vicinity of her void. The Gods don't care, at least not about her.
Sam's teasing is a shock, and Evie can't quite conceal it as she turns her astounded smile his way. It's a little sharp at the edges, still clinging to age-old mockery, but even the sly narrowing of her eyes can't conceal her amusement. He's finally growing a bit of a backbone. Maybe distance didn't make the heart grow fonder, maybe it just made it stronger.
[say]"Hold your tongue, Samuel Wordsworth,"[/say] she declares a tad too loudly for the Temple, one hand thrown dramatically at her heart. [say]"I know you're the real lady of the two of us, but don't think I'll let such insults go unpunished,"[/say] she jests, shoving her shoulder over at Sam's. It's not nearly as rude as she is used to being with him, but her heart is tired and the rift between them seems...smaller, here. Perhaps if she lets her shoulder linger against his for a moment, well...hopefully he won't notice.
His more serious words drop the small smile lingering at her lips. It had always been a tightrope walk between hating and loving Sam. Hating him for his naivety, his blindness, his self-centered woe-is-me ways. Loving him for his soft soul, his forgiveness, the fact that he would offer her this despite their history.
A small hiccup is the forewarning to the tears that prickle at her eyes, and she fiercely looks up at the ceiling to keep them contained. [say]"You idiot, as if you could understand my problems,"[/say] she mumbles, scarcely even bothering to dictate the words with how empty they feel. Once she has taken a few deep breaths and contained her sudden tears, she turns and brushes her hair behind her ear to better gaze upon him with her red-rimmed eyes. [say]"Thank you,"[/say] she says softly instead as if the volume would somehow erase the gravity of the words. [say]"I...I'm not ready to talk about it. I don't think I ever can. But y'know...right back at you and all that,"[/say] Evie mutters, losing her confidence halfway through and falling victim to her own awkward feelings. But the offer is there - whatever is on his mind, she would listen as well.
Even if just being at his side is enough for now.
RE: The Last Thing I Need - Samuel - 09-06-2019
Sam merely raised his eyebrows at Evie promising his insult would not go 'unpunished'. Usually, words about punishments on his sisters lips would terrify him, but right now he actually found himself lightly amused over his initial depression and fear. For the first time in a long time, he kept decent eye contact with a family member and it was not an effort.
Of course, not everything could be mended in a day. She insisted he wouldn't understand her problems; did she not know he'd had every problem in the book by now? Or at least, he thought he had. Far more than she ever had, anyway. When they were getting along he tried not to let the resentment seep in, but it was always hard to feel pity for Evie when he had seen her be so praised growing up, so loved, so adored. The good twin.
[say]"Oh, my issues are..."[/say] Awful? World-destroying? What did you call discovering you were responsible for the illness and likely death of many people? [say]"...Too much to talk about openly here. ...So...why don't you..."[/say]
He paused for a just a moment. He had never had a conversation this long with Evie for years, it felt strange. Should he let her leave...? No, it was going well. They had to make an effort for this to work. [say]"Why don't you tell me something good that's happening for you?"[/say]
RE: The Last Thing I Need - Evie - 09-08-2019
They are certainly an odd pair, seated there together in the Temple. Perhaps they were not so strange a sight, in another life. They were twins after all. And while Evie found it ridiculous to expect twins to love and complete each other wholly just for exiting the same womb at the same time, a part of her longed for a different life. One where their parents hadn't effectively killed their chances at reconciliation, at being siblings. They are both so fucked up, so broken from life in their own ways, and they hadn't even tried to merge those shattered pieces until now. So many years later.
The tension that fills the space between them - the most negligible amount in Evie's recent memory - is thankfully temporary at best. Evie is not blind to her own cowardice, her cruelty, her habitually sharp tongue. Though her heart is not in it, there are still so many buried landmines in their relationship that attempting to navigate it with the intention of connection instead of war is a nearly godlike feat. Ah, the irony.
Evie can't help but roll her eyes at Sam's reticence to speak on his own issues, but she can't convince him otherwise without revealing that just by sitting beside her, the Gods have effectively turned a blind eye to him. Guilt by association and all that garbage. But when he asks her to tell him something positive, she almost chokes on the lump in her throat, because after moments of consideration she doesn't...have anything.
Her friends have all disappeared. The world has changed so much since her self-imposed exile to their family home. The Blight has appeared, and she cannot heal it even with her accursed magic. LongNight approaches. She stares down at her hands clenched tightly together in her lap, russet locks falling against her cheek. [say]"I reopened the apothecary,"[/say] she says softly instead, though perhaps it lilts a little too high at the end in a sort of question, as if wondering if this is enough to appease Sam. [say]"That's...that's really it,"[/say] she laughs sharply, disparagingly, and grips the fabric of her skirt until her knuckles go white. It makes her angry, that she is twenty-seven and unhappy, untrue to herself. But it's the Wordsworth curse, and she doesn't see an end in sight from how low she feels she has fallen. [say]"Except...this, I guess."[/say] It's barely a whisper, tentative, for once the insecure little sister she could have been to Sam once upon a time. Refuses to lift her baby blues to gaze upon him as she confesses it. Because it's imperfect, it's awkward, it's stilted, but it's nice. To try to connect with him in a way they never have before.
Sucking in a steadying breath she forces her hands to unclench, leaving wrinkles in the fabric that she will agonize over later, and turns to Sam with a cocksure expression on her face that falls flat. [say]"What about you? Come on, spill the good stuff."[/say]
RE: The Last Thing I Need - Samuel - 09-08-2019
Evie's hesitation surprised him. He had expected her to go into a long speech; she had never been one slow to brag before. About anything, really. Her superior intelligence, things, boyfriends. Perhaps it was because both their guards were down, walls once broken now revealing something much more truthful, which could not stand up to the usual kind of interrogations they gave each other.
[say]"I...did not know it was closed."[/say] He replied honestly. When he could, he avoided any reminder of his family (he had even considered not putting his name on his book store, but Cornelius had once told him to try and make the name his own, to take it for himself, and he had not been able to paint it over) and had been out of Sanctuary for a while anyway. [say]"Perhaps I could come over some time."[/say]
When she referred to this, it took him a second to realise what she meant. When he did, he smiled weakly, looked to her with a guarded hope. [say]"Yes. This...this is good."[/say]
He almost laughed when she asked him to give his own answer. With the great tragedy that had taken over his life, he could not see the positives of his world. But he had asked her, so he had to try. Sighing, he thought then replied: [say]"Well...I am seeing a man. I do not know quite where we are yet, but he is very sweet and handsome. An Outlander, and...strange, but he treats me well."[/say] He also was very skilled in the bedroom (honestly so far, the majority of their relationship) but he refrained from saying so to his sister.
RE: The Last Thing I Need - Evie - 09-12-2019
It doesn't surprise her that Sam is unaware of the apothecary's state. Unless she called on him or they found their way together through happenstance like today, he wasn't the type to visit her. Not that it bothered her tremendously. Evie certainly hadn't helped to foster the kind of relationship that would warrant those kinds of spontaneous check-ins. She shrugs a shoulder sharply, staring forward so that she doesn't have to worry about giving herself away too much. [say]"Yeah,"[/say] she says offhandedly, not wanting to say she had exiled herself to their family home. Not when it didn't feel like home in the first place, and not when mentioning it would likely hurt Sam.
It's weird to worry about that for once. Not that she had ever necessarily felt good about striking him down, more that she was always so consumed with bitterness and frustration with his blindness that it seemed as if no other options were available to her. But they're both making an effort here, in their weaker moments, and so she smiles slightly at him and forces herself to meet his eyes. [say]"I'd like that. Make you write labels and stick 'em on jars all over again,"[/say] Evie laughs, remembering that day when Sam had helped her open the apothecary. It had been a better day between them, just like today.
Maybe eventually those days would culminate into a better relationship.
His agreement takes her by surprise, but Evie doesn't comment on it. Not yet. Her mouth i as venomous as a cobra and as wild as a feral horse. Often her defenses shove words across her tongue before she can clamp her teeth down upon them, especially with Sam. The proposition of closeness is enticing, relieving, but also terrifying. No point in ruining things early with her fear of building this bridge.
It's easier to put Sam on the spot, and she grins eagerly, crossing one leg over the other and leaning over her thigh to listen closer dramatically. What she is told instead is sweet, and hopeful, and...and she hurts with the force of her own jealousy. But she physically bites down on her tongue until the pain clears her mind, and tries to focus instead on the trickles of happiness she feels on her twin's behalf. [say]"I'm glad, that sounds...really nice, Sam. Have you defined what you are?"[/say] Keep him talking, pull every detail from him, so she may keep herself company with the story of her brother's life when she returns to her dark apothecary and the firm cot that she will sleep on tonight. And if she feels a small bubble of concern for him, that he seems unsure of the state of his relationship with this man, well it's not like Sam suddenly has x-ray vision as an Ascended. That little mushy piece of fact would remain well-hidden.
RE: The Last Thing I Need - Samuel - 09-12-2019
Evie did not elaborate on the shop's closure. Sam found himself hoping that it had not been closed because of anything too bad; perhaps, he thought, she had simply taken a break or had been upgrading the store. Now that Evie was suddenly so much more human after only a few words of conversation, it was much harder to take any joy in her hardships, which he had occasionally before.
[say]"You should really be able to write your own labels by now, shouldn't you?"[/say] He asked, voice still teasing. [say]"Or...is it just that my handwriting is legible?"[/say]
His news of Nate was not met with mockery or derision and he was clearly surprised. Shaking his head he looked down, an embarrassed smile on his lips. [say]"No. He um...he needed somewhere to stay when he arrived, so I let him lodge in my house. Then I needed to feed one day, and.."[/say] Sam looked up at Evie, not sure if she knew the significance of that. If she knew of the pleasure that came along with the pain of the bite. If she didn't he sure as anything wasn't going to be one to tell her.
[say]"I bit him, and then after that we started...something. We haven't really spoken about it yet."[/say] He shrugged. [say]"Are..you seeing anyone? Growing up I seem to remember you having plenty of admirers."[/say]
RE: The Last Thing I Need - Evie - 09-18-2019
Evie tosses her hair over her shoulder in dramatic arrogance at the implication that she needs to do any kind of work of her own. An aggrieved sigh and she tilts her chin imperiously, though her eyes are still crinkled with a hidden smile. [say]"Sam, Sam, Sam...when will you learn the art of delegating? I can't ruin these bad boys,"[/say] she exclaims with a wiggle of her fingers towards Sam's cheek. [say]"They're my money makers! I can't believe you'd accuse me of terrible handwriting,"[/say] Evie scoffs, slapping her hand loosely back down on the back of the pew.
It's easier to be dramatic than admit that once upon a time, Evie had hidden behind roughshod knowledge, throwing together random ingredients and relying on her magic to bridge the gap. Her days sequestered away in the manor had fixed that. But perhaps he would take her up on it nonetheless. They were getting too old, these days. Or rather, Evie was. Her own grievances seemed so pale in comparison to the horrors they had to face every season.
Evie tunes back in to Sam talking about his unnamed beau, a teasing smirk on her lips at the implication of the bite. Oh, she's no fool regarding that little bit of information. She knew Wessex well enough, had even met Rexanna recently. Such exploits were not hard to catch news of. The gossip stream wasn't always trustworthy but it was certainly sordid. [say]"Naughty, Sam,"[/say] she purrs, reaching her fingers in an attempt to poke and prod at him, perhaps tug gently on a copper curl. Only retreating at the reminder of her own loneliness, the solitude in which she has lived her life, bridged only by a forgotten summer with a now-wed man.
[say]"No,"[/say] she says simply, perhaps stiffly. Evie can't help her defensiveness even here, in this little pocket of joy between them. [say]"It's fine. I'm happy for you."[/say] It's not fine. Evie shouldn't place so much worth on a romantic companion, but she finds herself doing so anyway. She already felt unloved by the Gods, knew she'd lose the love of their parents if they ever knew she was born Abandoned, was only just cresting the potential of a new bridge with Sam. Was it a sin to want someone to love her? But in the end, at least she's happy for her brother.
RE: The Last Thing I Need - Samuel - 09-18-2019
[say]"You must use your hands to work with the plants, surely?"[/say] Sam asked, a smile still on his lips but now a genuinely questioning quirk to his brow. Had he wildly misunderstood what went on in her shop..? Perhaps, he thought, if this good streak between them continued, he could spend some time in there, learning the ways of her trade. Could make a good book. [say]"I am also accusing you of poor handwriting, though."[/say]
Being a bookmaker, who had to write neatly and legibly day-in day-out, Sam had better handwriting than most people in Caido, and it was the one skill that he had always let himself had undampened pride in.
It appeared Evie did know what the bite meant, and he closed his eyes, wrinkled his nose as she prodded at him. [say]"I really did have to feed. It wasn't meant to be like that."[/say] Mostly. Sort of. He could have probably lasted another day, given himself time to have gotten to a shrine. But Nate had been right there and willing, with such lovely hands and bright eyes. Even Sam who had had a lifetime of repressing his desires hadn't been able to pass up the chance.
The curt way she said 'no' made his heart freeze for a second, Sam wondering if he'd just ruined all the progress they'd built in the last ten minutes. But she did not leave or bite back with cruel comments, so he tried to gingerly reach across the divide once again. [say]"Well, I'm sure soon..."[/say] He opened his mouth, then realised he had nothing in mind to say. What actually came out surprised him, a question he had not known he had: [say]"How are mother and father?"[/say]
RE: The Last Thing I Need - Evie - 09-20-2019
[say]"Shhhh shushush hush. Don't sass me, Samuel. I'm older, I know best."[/say] Ah, the age-old defense against younger siblings. She can't resist it here and now, in this hesitantly playful setting. Even when he has the nerve to tease her, the habitual flare of sourness is easier to swallow, to see through. If it had any effect on him she would flick him, but instead she settles for a pouty glare. [say]"You're getting far too bold in your old age."[/say] What did it matter if she had terrible hand writing? Evie knows what everything is, it's not her problem.
Except sometimes.
His protestations do little to dim her cheshire-cat grin, leaning into his personal space with a smug smirk. [say]"That's what they all say Sammy dear. 'Oh I couldn't help it! I tripped right onto his crotch and then we were suddenly having sex!'"[/say] She affects a pitchy wail of despair, tossing her head in woe, though she keeps her voice quiet lest she taint any other innocent ears in the temple. It's just as fun to tease him now without the sharpness, and she wonders if perhaps they can figure this out for once. Hide behind their sarcasm and sass for a while longer until they can cross the bridge and meet in the middle at last.
His soft, unsure words only upset her further, but it's not his fault that she's lonely. Evie may have taken it out on him joyously in the past, but she doesn't have the heart to do so now. [say]"We'll see,"[/say] she allows solemnly, avoiding his gaze. [say]"Is it so bad to live and die alone though?'[/say] A darker musing than normal, but one she has been considering as of late. Her secret was still so locked down. If she couldn't bear to tell anyone, to trust, how could she have a healthy relationship anyway?
Speaking of those...
[say]"I haven't seen much of them,"[/say] Evie admits uncomfortably, afraid of what Sam might read in her words. [say]"I stayed home for a long time, but I...I was mostly studying. Reading."[/say] Here she tries to redirect the conversation, unwilling to admit that their parents had been badgering her as of late, that it was partially why she finally showed her face once more. Too much time around them only ensured they would find out her secret all the sooner.