Court of the Fallen
I breathe disaster - Printable Version

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I breathe disaster - Remi - 10-04-2019

Remi longed for simplicity. He lived now in hindsight as if Loren's restoration of his eyes had sent that particular ability into overdrive. All the things he wished he'd done and not done. Words said that he would take back, things he would explain more clearly.  The alchemist had never been depressed before, his soul far too golden and sunny for that sort of darkness. But to say that he wasn't on the verge of it, that he wasn't drowning in the shadows, would have been impossibly naive, even for him.

He was all the things he'd ever been accused of. Naive and reckless, Jigano had said. Thoughtless and unkind, from Loren. He wasn't brave, he was selfish. Not altruistic, but simply unable to take no for an answer. What was once golden and true had tarnished and faded to something murky and unclear. Remi lied now as he never has before, he'd committed a murder and hid the body. He manipulated. Ronin has said he was free to make rules for himself, only he hadn't. He'd just run recklessly through every barrier he came up against.

Once, he'd stood up for what he believed in. Now, he seemed to fight daily and for what? He'd hurt his husband, made his friends feel like his problems were so great he couldn't endure theirs, and positioned himself as some sort of champion despite having won nothing but heartbreak and pain. And yet here he was in the middle of a blizzard, seeking an audience with someone who had quite clearly told him to stay away and who had given absolutely no indication he was ready to talk to the alchemist.

But still he knocked.


RE: I breathe disaster - Loren - 10-04-2019

The knock was unexpected: those that dwelled there were free to enter, and few people outside the residents visited the Manor these days. In fact, Loren almost dismissed it as his imagination. He was in the library, door propped open, once more going over the volume Jigano had pointed out that went over all the legends and information they had gathered about LongNight. It never hurt to be prepared, and while the summoner had read it more than once by now, he figured refreshing his memory before the darkness fell would be prudent.

Of course, the darkness had already arrived in one sense. It had settled into the Launceleyn’s soul when the light within him had been extinguished; shadows lurked in his heart and his eyes, coiling around the icy fury that coursed through his veins. Despite all that, he felt more alive, more sure of himself than he had since his return. Maybe ever, considering that he’d been so obsessed with putting others above himself that he’d beaten himself down time and time again.

Well no more. At the intrusion into his home, he looked up and his nostrils flared. Whoever had disturbed him better have a good reason. Rising to his feet with a newfound confidence—and his new look, all sharp edges, black clothes, and cold eyes—he set the book aside. Then Loren stalked to the front of the Manor and threw the door open.

Revealing Remi.

Remi.

Remi, who seemed to keep conveniently finding his way back into the summoner’s life. Only this time, it couldn’t be a coincidence. His eyes narrowed at the alchemist. [say]”Is this how you plan to, how did you put it, ‘leave me alone, as I have asked’?”[/say] Yeah, the Launceleyn had read the note, but it seemed that maybe he had been the only one, given that the other man had the audacity to show up at Loren’s doorstep. Well, this should be interesting, to say the least.

He smirked, not moving from his spot in the doorway. [say]”Guess you couldn’t stay away. Were you looking for more smooches?”[/say] Sarcasm practically dripped from every word. With an almost lazy indolence, he blew Remi a kiss. Then the summoner let his hand drop. After all, he had a pretty good idea why the alchemist was here, now: Phoebe. The healer had probably gone to whine to her best friend as soon as the Launceleyn had left her. The thought caused a savage grin to spread across the his lips, though his eyes remained hard.


RE: I breathe disaster - Remi - 10-04-2019

Phoebe had a tendency to overreact and exagerate. And so Remi thought that there was still a chance his arrival might be met with a touch of respect, or at least professionalism. After he and Jigano had had their fight, or whatever it was, the two were at least civil with one another. Then again, his relationship with the bard, even at its worst, was still healthier than with the summoner. Still, contrition and guilt flashed across Remi's cheeks as an unhappy wash of colour, and he dropped his eyes immediately beneath the weight of Loren's snark.

However at the gesture, and the sarcasm that accompanied it, Remi looked up with a disappointed sort of frown. [say]" I did not want one before, and I do not now."[/say] He said, his voice shockingly gentle despite how tense his jaw and overall posture was. Clearly, Loren was in no mood, as Remi knew he wouldn't be. At least Phoebe's description of events helped him anticipate this amount of cruelty, not that it made it much easier to bear.

Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of amulets, before raising a brow at the summoner. [say]"I had given these to Phoebe to have filled for LongNight. But we both know that you did not make it that far in your conversation."[/say] He said, pale eyes like frozen seawater. Snow accumulated in his curls, but he refused to brush it away. [say]"If I thought you would not needlessly assault the next person I sent, I might have asked someone else to come visit you instead."[/say]


RE: I breathe disaster - Loren - 10-04-2019

Oh dear, Remi disapproved. How awful. Too bad for him, Loren didn’t really care about the alchemist’s opinion. That ship had sailed, and was already far out to sea. [say]”You didn’t?"[/say] The Launceleyn leaned forward and lowered his voice. [say]"Then you shouldn’t have asked for one.”[/say] Loren tutted and shook his head; if the other man was going to express his disapproval, then the summoner would as well.

As the alchemist pulled the amulets out of his pocket, Loren smirked. He’d been right—unsurprisingly, Phoebe had indeed gone crying to Remi right away—which just confirmed to the summoner that pretty much everything he’d said and thought about the healer was true. [say]”So you two talked about me? Again?”[/say] That’s right, he knew all about their conversations. [say]”You could’ve sent a messenger with these. Why come yourself? Did you miss me?”[/say] However, he held out his hand for them: just because he was done being nice to people didn’t mean he would stop protecting them. After all, if they died, they couldn’t feel pain anymore.

Well, Remi sort of answered the question about why he'd come himself. However, that's not what the Launceleyn focused on. Instead, he zeroed in on Phoebe’s description of what had happened. It was so completely off that Loren threw back his head and laughed, the sound low and as chilling and dark as the smile he flashed the alchemist was. [say]”An assault? Is that what she told you happened? Well, if she thought that was an assault I’d hate to think of her reaction if someone actually attacked her.”[/say]

Yes, the Launceleyn would admit he’d been cruel. He didn’t care about being seen as mean, or rude, or completely out of line. But an assault? Hardly. He hadn’t touched a hair on the healer’s head.


RE: I breathe disaster - Remi - 10-04-2019

As Loren leaned forward, the alchemist pulled back, regarding the summoner with an uncomfortable mixture of predatory rage and wariness. [say]"I told you why I did that. And I am sorry that I did. I did not mean to hurt you. I did not ... even think of it at the time. I only thought of myself, and wanting to be friends."[/say] Before Loren could interject, though he no doubt would, Remi merely closed his eyes and tried to keep his expression as neutral. [say]"I know how selfish that is, now. I am sorry it took hurting you to realize that. It was never my intention, though I know that does not make up for it."[/say] Gently said and genuinely meant, the alchemist didn't expect his words to hold water with his former friend. He didn't think anything would, anymore.

[say]"Am I not allowed to talk to my friends about things happening in my life? And me, theirs?"[/say] Remi asked with a raised brow. However as the summoner snarkily asked if the alchemist missed him, Remi merely regarded him with quiet green eyes. Yes those eyes sad, albeit sadly. So very much. Separating some from the rest, Remi held out three empty amulets, keeping two in his hand.

Though once Remi would have balked beneath the icy hardness of the Launceleyn's tone, he'd expected it. Deserved part of it, and naively, waved it away as Loren merely being hurt. [say]"I would call summoning a dragon a type of assault. As was saying all the things you did her. That sort of cruelty was not warranted. You know better than most not all attacks are physical."[/say]


RE: I breathe disaster - Loren - 10-04-2019

Apparently Remi didn’t like it when Loren leaned forward. Time to see how far he could push that: he took a step forward, either into the other man’s personal space or forcing him backwards. The Launceleyn didn’t care about the cold or the snow out there. It couldn’t compare to how he felt inside. [say]”Well you did hurt me. And the fact that you didn’t even give it any thought makes it worse, not better.”[/say] As for the thoughts the alchemist apparently had given to the request, well, the summoner had his own thoughts about those. [say]”You ask all your friends to kiss you?”[/say] As Remi kept talking, Loren just smirked. [say]”You’re right, it doesn’t.”[/say] The alchemist had a revelation about his behavior and his life, apparently.

But so had the Launceleyn.

The smirk turned into a cold grin as the other man complained about the summoner’s reaction to a supposedly private conversations. It wasn't his fault Phoebe had made it public. [say]”You’re allowed to talk to your friends about whatever you want. Because they’re your friends."[/say] Remi's friends, not Loren's: the alchemist had taken that away from the Launceleyn as well. [say]"And in turn I’m allowed to say whatever I want when I find out about the discussions you have with them.”[/say] Seemed like a fair trade to Loren. Everybody got to say exactly what they wanted.

That's how it was supposed to be; he tilted his head and gave Remi a look of feigned confusion. [say]”Besides, isn’t that what you wanted from me? Honesty? Complete honesty about my thoughts and feelings?”[/say] The mask dropped away, leaving a blank expression in its place. [say]”Unless that was a lie.”[/say] Of course the Launceleyn was twisting the alchemist’s words around. Better words than an already broken heart, though, like Remi had done to the summoner.

As he took the three amulets, Loren twirled them two of them around a finger as the other man continued to unload his complaints. Without even bothering to look down, the Launceleyn called upon a Spark Bird and shoved it into the third amulet, which he had grasped in his other hand. [say]”Fine. I assaulted her then, by saying some harsh truths and having my dragon roar at her.”[/say] Then he tilted his head in the other direction from before. [say]”But did she tell you that her dragon roared at me first? And hers shot lightning at me, mine didn't do that! It almost blew my head off."[/say] He placed a hand on his heart in mock horror, before dropping it and sneering at Remi. [say]"Guess that means she assaulted me too. You gonna admonish her for that? Or just me, because I hurt her feelings. Well, she hurt my feelings too, and she hurt mine before I hurt hers.”[/say] The Launceleyn would be willing to bet everything he owned that Phoebe failed to mention any of that, along with a whole lot of other parts.


RE: I breathe disaster - Remi - 10-05-2019

If the summoner was going for antagonizing or intimidating, he'd have to do better. Raising a hand and holding it palm out to stop the summoner from moving closer, Remi merely shot his once-friend a wary look of warning. [say]"I know it does."[/say] He admitted easily, lashes fluttering unsteadily over oh-so clear eyes. [say]"It makes it horribly selfish and unfair. I know that."[/say] To hear Loren speak so only reinforced Remi's naivety that all of the summoner's cruelty was merely misdirected anger. Meeting his gaze with one not meek, but certainly remorseful, the alchemist shook his head. [say]"Only when I need to make sure they would say no."[/say]

Letting his head fall slightly to the side, Remi gave the Launceleyn an imploring look. A look that, had he had the words for it, he might have instead said cut the bullshit Loren and say what you actually want to. Instead, he said, [say]"And why is that? Why be so needlessly cruel to her? Because she has had the misfortune of being my friend? And wanting to be yours?"[/say]

Tightening his jaw and doing his best to hide his shiver of cold with a cough, Remi merely returned Loren's blank stare with one of his own. Or near enough as he could, which was quite far. Remi's upset and love was writ clearly across his face for any who chose to read it. He wanted nothing more than to simply hug the summoner until his anger faded away. To beg him for a way to repent that didn't just include expulsion for his life. [say]"Of course it was not a lie."[/say] Remi replied in a voice scant of volume.

Flinching and shielding his eyes as electricity and light burst into being, Remi recoiled slightly as the bird was shoved into the amulet. Loren's sneer was near as devastating as his conjuration was, and the alchemist found the emotional armor he'd worn melting away beneath it. And it showed.

[say]"This is not about Phoebe."[/say] He said in a choked voice, jaw feathering slightly behind he weight of the words unsaid. Why are you doing this? and please, talk to me.

Pulling in a breath that was far too cold and nearly choking on it, Remi tilted his chin up slightly to keep both his rising tears and tongue in check. [say]"Not....everyone will remain inside the guildhouse."[/say] The alchemist said, a touch distantly. [say]"But..Amalia died last year. I thought perhaps I could bring two amulets back with me. One with a spark bird, and one with your healing magic."[/say] The remaining amulets he'd give to Loren, of course. Though perhaps that wasn't clear yet. And, because he expected nothing from the summoner out of the goodness of his heart, Remi held up the two amulets he'd held back. [say]"These have my creation magic in them."[/say] He trusted Loren knew the extents of Remi's abilities, the the amulets had within them unparalleled possibilities when used. Holding them out with a weak smile, Remi looked down, trying to compose his breathing.


RE: I breathe disaster - Loren - 10-05-2019

At the raised hand, the Launceleyn stopped, and gave the other man a cold smile. Seemed that he didn’t want to be too close to the summoner, not anymore. Good. Remi and Loren had both found clarity, it seemed. Too bad it had just shown them they were on opposite ends of a flipping coin, and no one, not even the gods, knew which way it would land. [say]”So, if you know so much, if you’re suddenly so wise, can you tell me why I’d want to be around someone selfish? Someone who treated me unfairly? A reason that’s not selfish?”[/say] Just because the alchemist knew himself didn’t mean he knew the Launceleyn. Remi couldn’t—and not just because of his missing memories—because if he did, he would never have treated Loren so callously. [say]”Are you so convinced that you’re so irresistibly charming that people will just throw themselves at you?”[/say] The summoner’s voice came out with an idle curiosity, but his eyes told the truth: he didn’t buy anything the alchemist was selling.

Loren chuckled again as the other man begged. [say]”No, it was because I think she’s a fake. I think her pure and perfect Phoebe act is just that, an act.”[/say] The Launceleyn stepped aside to lean against the doorway, a languid and disrespectful slouch coming over him. [say]”You know she said she cared about us equally? Some best friend you got there.”[/say] However, the summoner had one more reason to give Remi. [say]”Maybe it has something to do with the fact that when I asked her if she had a crush on me, she didn’t deny it. And she was quick to tell me that I was wrong about pretty much everything else.”[/say] Indeed, the omission had been quite, quite glaring, and quite, quite pathetic. [say]”So I thought to myself, anyone who would betray their best friend like that can’t be a very good person. Which is what I told her.”[/say]

The alchemist wore his heart on his sleeve. For once, the Launceleyn was doing the same. [say]”Then I guess I have to go with that age old adage: be careful what you wish for.”[/say] Because Remi had gotten it, and then some. The summoner would be lying if he said that the sight of the other man flinching away from a few sparks wasn’t satisfying. And Loren didn’t lie anymore.

At Remi’s next comment, the summoner just smiled chillingly and pushed off the doorframe. [say]”Then what’s it about then? LongNight? You?”[/say] The smile deepened and grew darker. [say]”Oh wait, you don’t mean me, do you? I’m fine, Remi. Better than ever.”[/say] That was true, too: as soon as the Launceleyn had given in to his training, his instincts, and his inclinations, all his troubles and cares had slid away.

Yeah, based on how incompetent Wessex had seemed lately and how absent Ronin was, Loren wasn’t surprised to hear the alchemist say people wouldn’t stay indoors. [say]”I know. She told me that she still feels like she wants to die most days.”[/say] There wasn’t any sympathy or sadness in the Launceleyn’s voice, just a sort of coldly clinical analytic tone. As if the baker was a puzzle to be dissected. The conversation came back to amulets, so maybe the visit was about LongNight after all. Funnily enough, the summoner could count to three, and two was not three. Without saying a word, he lifted the full amulet with his telekinesis, then put one in each hand; in his left hand, he summoned another Spark Bird, causing more electricity, heat, and light to crackle, while his right hand glowed sky-blue as he poured his healing into the last amulet. Then he gathered all three in his hands, and held them out to the other man.

However, the alchemist was holding out amulets of his own. Always the bleeding heart. [say]”That’s nice. But I don’t need you, and I don’t need your magic.”[/say] Loren smirked. [say]”You need me, though, don’t you?”[/say] That was obvious, given that Remi had shown up at the Manor despite everything between them, after the other man had promised to leave the summoner alone. Guess that was another lie. [say]”Don’t worry. I don’t mind being useful.”[/say] Loren dropped his voice to a conspiratorial whisper. [say]”I just don’t like being used, like you used me.”[/say]


RE: I breathe disaster - Remi - 10-05-2019

With the boyish sort of genuineness and honesty he'd once could be counted on as having, Remi simply shook his head. He didn't lower his eyes though, no matter how the chill in the air and in Loren's gaze stung his face. [say]"No. I want.."[/say] But that was the thing, wasn't it? Smiling painfully, he let the words go. [say]"What I want does not matter. What I thought you needed...I was wrong."[/say] It hurt to say, to think, to believe. Even in the moment the alchemist wasn't sure he did. He wanted to fight for the man before him, to pester and demand and annoy him until the walls were once again lowered. He still thought that was what Loren wanted. Stupidly, naively, selfishly, he thought Loren was simply playing some absurd game of cat and mouse. Everything the two had done up until this point reinforced it: the back and forth, the go and stay. [say]"It is selfish, to want you in my life."[/say] He concluded, his voice a mere husk.

Flinching slightly if struck, Remi's lashes half-fluttered shut as he shook his head. Charming? No. Not that. [say]"I'm so sorry, Loren. I was so wrong."[/say] He whispered, eyes lowering somewhere around the summoners knees before he closed them against the weight of his tears and the friendship that was now sparkling out of existence forever.

Keeping his eyes closed, Remi bit the inside of his lip hard. That Loren wanted to isolate him, to lash out and hurt Remi the way Remi had hurt him, was understandable. But the alchemist was used to being used, to be abandoned. His experiences were honed by the best after all: the man before him. Even so, he felt himself flinch, eyes moving behind closed lashes as he pulled in shaky breath. [say]"But you did not need to."[/say] Remi said finally in a hushed breath.

[say]"Glad to hear it."[/say] The alchemist replied, and though his voice was strained, he did mean it, even if he didn't believe it. [say]"It is about LongNight. Protecting those who will stay at the guildhouse. That is why I came here, even when I said I would not."[/say] He explained, though the words sounded hollow even to him. No doubt Loren would twist them, would call him some sort of pathetic martyr or hero as Jigano once had.

However at Loren's mention of Amalia, Remi's gaze snapped sharply upwards, looking for truth of merely more cruelty in the summoner's frosty stare. Clenching his teeth together Remi forced himself to look away as predatory gold bled into his pale stare. It was lucky he did, as more sparks and light flashed into existence.

Instead of picking them up, Remi too used telekinesis to lift the amulets, though only two. [say]"Only two."[/say] He said, swallowing hard and finding it harder and harder to meet Loren's gaze, much as he wanted to. [say]"You might not, but you will not be alone this LongNight. You do not know what it is like."[/say] The alchemist replied, his voice breaking slightly for oh so many reasons. However at the mention of being used, Remi's eyes once again flashed upwards, the hand holding Loren away falling to clap against his coat as he fixed the summoner with a stare. Arguments broiled in the back of his throat as his brows furrowed over chilled green eyes. He hadn't. He hadn't used Loren, but...how often had he been wrong? No doubt the Launceleyn would be more than pleased to elaborate, but instead of arguing, Remi merely looked down as the tears he'd been holding back fell. Well, at least Loren wouldn't see.

[say]"Then I am sorry for that, too."[/say] He whispered in a voice and thickly accented.


RE: I breathe disaster - Loren - 10-05-2019

What I want does not matter.

It was a sick and twisted echo of what Loren had said when he first returned. To hear Remi say it reaffirmed that the Launceleyn had been right all along. [say]”And it’s smart for me to not want to be in your life.”[/say] The words came out matter-of-factly rather than cruelly: the summoner had no need to twist that one around at all, because it was so patently true. And as the alchemist repeated himself, saying he was wrong for a second time, Loren nodded. [say]”You were. But you’ll have to forgive me if I don’t accept your apology.”[/say] The other man couldn’t offer anything the Launceleyn wanted or needed.

Phoebe really must have the alchemist wrapped around her finger. Then again, maybe that was for the best. They both professed to be pure of heart and that all they wanted was for others to be happy, but in the end their need to feel loved and validated trumped all other concerns. Unlike them, the summoner would be honest with both himself and others. [say]”You’re right. I didn’t need to.”[/say] Pausing so he could smirk again, Loren felt his voice drop in pitch and volume. [say]”But I wanted to. And, in addition to telling me to be honest, you told me to do what I wanted. Oh, by the way, while we’re on the subject, everything I’ve told you today has been true. You can check, if you truly believe others will be completely honest with you.”[/say] They wouldn’t, and it would be their word against his, and Remi would believe them. The Launceleyn was under no illusion about that. However, he had no reason to lie to the other man.

[say]”Let’s get the LongNight preparations done then.”[/say] If that was really what this was all about, then the alchemist didn’t need to talk about anyone or anything else. But it wasn’t, and they both knew it. Still, if Remi wanted to keep lying to Loren, that was the other man’s choice. Sometimes the truth hurt to hear—like when the Launceleyn revealed what Amalia had said to the alchemist—but lies usually did more harm in the end. The summoner’s certainly had, which was why he didn’t do it anymore.

However, Remi chose that moment to dig his heels in. As the alchemist took only two of the amulets the summoner had prepared, he let the third drop to the ground and took a step back, reentering the Manor. [say]”I’ll be with others physically, true. Give it to one of them.”[/say] He was entirely impassive as the other man’s voice broke. And the Launceleyn stayed motionless and expressionless as the next apology from the alchemist's lips. [say]”I said I didn’t need anything from you. That includes apologies.”[/say]


RE: I breathe disaster - Remi - 10-05-2019

Smart. Well that was true. But didn't it also leave the door open for things un-smart? Remi tried not to hear the door as it opened—or as he thought it opened—for a world where the pair weren't enemies such as they seemed to be now. But the wind that blew from that opening seemed to be just as cold, but at least it was something. Someone else might have pointed out how readily the alchemist had forgiven the summoner his trespasses, and that it hadn't taken him a year to make them. Instead though, Remi merely bowed his head and nodded slightly, wanting to crumble beneath the weight of the words. He didn't his best not to, and not out of pride or some desire not to give Loren the satisfaction of seeing him break, but simply because he didn't want the summoner to have to endure...well, anything else on his part. Strained as things were.

Closing his eyes as Loren continued, silent tears streaking down his face until frozen by the blustery winds, Remi bit the inside of his cheek in an effort to keep silent. Even as Loren let the final amulet fall into the snow, careless and uncaring, Remi just pulled in a breath. There was nothing to say anymore. No argument to be had. Loren wasn't wrong in so many ways, but he was in so many others. Strangely, Remi thought that his once-friend knew it; knew exactly what he was doing. If Remi apologized more, he'd be shot down as pathetic as Phoebe had. If he didn't? Loren might just say it was more evidence of Remi's callousness and selfishness. He could leave the amulet with his creation magic in the snow, but he was sure that Loren would simply leave it to spite him. He could argue that surely Loren could put his feelings aside to accept the alchemist's help, but then the summoner would simply toss it back in Remi's face as him needing to be the hero. That Remi wanted Loren to have the amulets was selfishness of a kind. He wanted Loren to be safe, and did think the summoner one of the best people to decide how magic should be used. But it wasn't an argument he felt he could articulate properly, much less win.

He was trapped, just as he'd always been by Loren. Only the wires and blades were visible this time as they'd never been before; hatred cutting Remi rather than love. He found the pain just as excruciating. Just as similar.

Kneeling down he picked up the amulet now snow-covered, and put it in his pocket. Words buzzed in his mind, his heart thudding unhappily in his chest as his body slowly froze in the winter winds. [say]"I broke my word by coming here...I will do my best to see that it does not happen again."[/say] Remi's normally fluid accent was now staccato and terse as he desperately tried to skate the line between what he felt he so desperately needed to communicate, and what would keep the summoner from growing more angry. [say]"Is...there anything else you wanted to say, while I am?"[/say] Forcing himself to look up, however pathetic he looked with his red-rimmed eyes, wilted expression, and naively boyish features, he made himself do it. No doubt the answer would be no, and the door would close in his face, but as always, Remi would try. For Loren, he always would.


RE: I breathe disaster - Loren - 10-05-2019

The frozen tears on Remi’s cheeks would’ve moved Loren, once upon a time. Now, though, they were just a reflection of his soul, an outward expression of what the Launceleyn felt like. Except instead of sorrow, his heart was just cold. As the alchemist stooped down to pick up the amulet the summoner had dropped, Loren placed one hand on the door, figuring they were done here. However, he’d moved too soon, as the other man still had words left to say, apparently.

Considering that the alchemist had already broken his promise to stay away once before, the Launceleyn obviously wasn’t going to trust in that. The final question from Remi was surprising, though perhaps it shouldn’t have been, given who it was.

Loren didn’t answer for a long time, expression unreadable, icy blue eyes staring straight ahead, almost unblinking. When he finally spoke, his voice was dark and low. [say]”Yes. But I’m not sure I can trust that what you want won’t get in the way again.”[/say] That was the truth as well, because ever since his return, the alchemist had let his own desires influence their interactions as much, if not more, than the Launceleyn’s had. All Loren had wanted was for Remi to be happy, and even though the summoner had made mistakes and blunders and failed in that, his intentions had been pure.

He wasn't so sure the same could be said of the other man's.


RE: I breathe disaster - Remi - 10-05-2019

Loren it seemed, had a strange notion of what happiness for Remi looked like. [say]"I want you to be in my life."[/say] The alchemist said, ever boyish and genuine as he'd once been. [say]"But I do see how selfish that is, now. I thought...you wanted, or perhaps even needed me to push. That walls raised were meant to be broken."[/say] Honestly, he still thought that. He still truly believed Loren wanted to be pursued, wanted to be wanted and valued and cherished if only because everything in his life had told him he wasn't, or was undeserving of such things. It wasn't fair that he'd left, that he'd thrown away their life together and that Remi was now the one paying the price for moving on, after agonizing over the summoner. Loren's callousness and coldness wasn't fair either, but perhaps it was deserved. Remi didn't know anymore.

[say]"But if you let me, I would like to hear it."[/say] He managed after a moment, clear eyes softly alighting on the summoner's cool features. [say]"I...will not even say anything in response."[/say] Remi added. [say]"If you do not want me to."[/say]


RE: I breathe disaster - Loren - 10-05-2019

As the summoner had suspected, the other man could hardly be impartial or unbiased here. No matter what, it seemed, Remi would never stop trying to be in the Launceleyn’s life. Loren could keep trying to push the alchemist away, keep fighting that fact. Or the summoner could just accept it and allow the other man to lead them where he willed, trust that Remi knew enough about happiness and joy and love that it would be enough for both of them.

Or, perhaps, just perhaps Loren could chart a third course, even if he didn’t know what that road might be or where it would take him. But he wanted to find out.

He didn’t respond to the other man, at least not right away. The Launceleyn knew he’d probably only have one chance to say these words to the alchemist in a way that someday, somehow, eventually, maybe could let them both find peace with one another. Friendship. Maybe even love, of a sort. However, Loren knew he was an imperfect communicator at the best of times, and this was certainly not one of them.

He didn’t know how long he stood there, in the threshold of his home, on the threshold of something much larger and completely unknown. His face remained mostly expressionless. And his voice, when he finally spoke, had almost no inflection.

But it was his voice. For once, it was his voice, and no one else's. [say]”My whole life, I’ve tried to be what others wanted me to be, or at least who I thought others wanted and needed me to be. Always tried to shape myself so I could put others before myself. My family. The few friends I made. The even fewer people I loved."[/say] He paused, but knew he had something else to add to the list. Someone else. [say]"You.”[/say] He stood there, one hand on the door, and he couldn’t say if he was preparing to open or close it. [say]”I just want to find out who I am.”[/say] Without anyone pushing him or pulling him or expecting anything more than he was able to give. Without everyone constantly offering help he didn't need. With space and time to reflect. Maybe not on his own, not entirely, but certainly finding his own path to follow.

A fresh start, perhaps, to finish this metamorphosis he’d begun, because even he knew he wouldn’t remain this angry bitter thing forever. This time, though, he’d decide when he was ready to emerge, and what shape he’d take when he did.

Maybe he'd be a moth, maybe he'd a butterfly, maybe he'd be something no one had ever seen before, but no one else could make that decision for him.