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RE: I breathe disaster - Remi - 10-08-2019
Unlike Remi's to Loren, the summoner's words merely cut to the quick, brutalizing and tearing through the alchemist's emotions. To hear that everything the alchemist was, was the reason the Launceleyn was lost, that he was some sort of blackhole that would envelope and destroy those who dared to be near him, was a powerful blow. What was worse? Was feeling like Loren's care for him was an obligation. Sam had said the same to him, before forgetting him entirely. And in that moment, forgetting the alchemist felt exactly like that Loren was trying to do. Quests, finding himself, rejecting Remi's apologies; it all seemed to have the same end. Forget, move on, goodbye. But you see, I will always want to be there for you. Always. Remi thought in silent agony as Loren continued, clenching his teeth together so hard he thought one might crack.
But then, in typical Loren fashion after pushing Remi away, the summoner called him back again. And of course Remi came immediately.
The request was like a dagger, if only because Loren had no idea what it would cost the alchemist. What burned and froze at his core to hear the words. Closing his eyes so that his stare might be clear of tears, Remi stepped forward through the snow and knelt beside the summoner. For a moment his fingers hesitated and he had to hold his breath to keep from letting it escape in shivery echoes. But then he did let his hands slide up the summoner's arms as they were wrapped around his legs, enveloping Loren's thin frame easily. Wings pushed outwards too
RE: I breathe disaster - Loren - 10-08-2019
Although he knew this was a mistake, Loren allowed himself to be pulled into the other man’s chest. To be enveloped by the alchemist’s wings. To be held by Remi’s always gentle arms. The summoner knew that he didn’t deserve any of this, and that it would just make the inevitable goodbye so much harder. But in that moment, his need for human contact of any kind superseded his concern that he’d mangle everything between the two of them even further. If such a thing were possible. So, squeezing his eyes shut, the Launceleyn felt his own hands reach out to clasp Remi’s.
He was silent for a long time as tears threatened to fall from his eyes. They weren’t icy anymore, just sad. When he did spoke, it was in a whisper. [say]”I’m sorry. I’m...so sorry. I’m sorry I can’t just seem to...accept whatever you’re willing to offer. Whatever everyone is willing to offer. I want to. I want to have friends, and to be loved. But…”[/say] He trailed off, momentarily unsure what he might say, what further objection he might raise. Then he found one. After all, he was good at that. [say]”But I think my love just causes pain.”[/say] He saw it in the way Beatrix shied away from him. Heard it in the cruel laughter he’d shown to Ronin. Felt it in the way Remi trembled against him, knew it in the way the alchemist had come to Loren’s side, even when it hurt both of them.
RE: I breathe disaster - Remi - 10-08-2019
It hurt. It broke everything the alchemist had, only to reveal even more hidden depths waiting to be shattered. Only there was no strength here, not this far in the alchemist's soul. It was all thin-ice and dry leaves that gave such a satisfying crunch as they were forever crushed. What had he said to Phoebe? That he knew he would fall in love with Loren again, if given the chance? Wasn't that why they agreed he couldn't? Musn't? There was no part of Remi that wanted anyone but Ronin, but equally, there seemed to be other iterations of the alchemist that longed for lives unlived.
And the divide was excruciating.
Drawing in a breath that threatened to be more, Remi leaned his forehead against Loren's shoulder and listened to the words leaving the Launceleyn's lips and rumbling through his chest. His wings hugged the summoner closer, as, probably unnoticed, mosses and grasses began to sprout through the snow around them. Remi hadn't the heat to make it melt away, but it didn't always take fire to melt snow. Sometimes you could simply grow in the cracks that had formed until it all broke away.
[say]"I think many would say that love invites pain, in many cases."[/say] Remi said softly, not letting himself pull away, not even to look Loren in the eyes for fear of...well, so very many things. [say]"But none of this is.."[/say] He needed to pick his words carefully, but of course, he was so very, very bad at that sort of thing. [say]"..what I mean is...you can change it."[/say]
RE: I breathe disaster - Loren - 10-08-2019
Loren noticed the mosses, despite how subtle they were. It was the final touch that caused the tears to finally fall once more; while the other man’s wing was certainly a large part of it, the gentleness Remi showed, even now, was most of it, it was that softest of caresses that undid everything within the Launceleyn.
After all, it didn’t always take fire to melt ice, and roots had a nasty habit of breaking down even the most stubborn of exteriors. [say]”Can I?”[/say] The alchemist could say that the summoner could change what his love did to people. However, from where he was, it didn’t seem as simple as that. Even if he wanted to believe it—even if they both wanted to believe it—that didn’t make it true. Especially between the two of them, it seemed that their love just cut and burned.
RE: I breathe disaster - Remi - 10-08-2019
[say]"Have you ever really tried?"[/say] Remi wondered in response, relaxing into the greenery that helped to keep the frozen ground from making remaining with Loren in this way unbearable. Or at least, more unbearable. It already was. Every time the summoner moved the alchemist had to stop himself from feeling it, from inviting the shivers that wanted to ripple up and down his spine. Had to stop himself from leaning in and brushing his cheek against the summoners; just a gesture of sympathy and friendly affection. That and nothing more. But there were worlds others than this one and some part of him lingered in those places, darkly whispering.
RE: I breathe disaster - Loren - 10-08-2019
As the alchemist relaxed, the Launceleyn found himself responding in kind. Then tension drained out of him in a long, almost refreshing wave. However, at the other man’s words, it all came rushing back; Loren tensed and he felt his breath catch in his throat. Still, he forced himself to speak. [say]”Yes.”[/say]
Remi. The summoner had loved Remi. Or at least Loren had tried to love Remi unconditionally. However, they’d already covered that, and bringing it up would probably just be another cruelty. Besides, if ever there was an example of the Launceleyn’s love hurting the intended recipient, that was it. The evidence for that was clear, from the way they were both here, in the snow, instead of comfortable and warm with each other in some fantasy of a world that would probably have never worked out anyway.
RE: I breathe disaster - Remi - 10-08-2019
Remi felt Loren stiffen, not realizing that his arms were already wrapping further around him until it had already happened. [say]"Then you will try again."[/say] He whispered, wanting to implore Loren to try harder. To point out how many times since the Launceleyn's return he'd wavered back and fort h. He'd pushed and pulled. He'd gone from one extreme to the other instead of thinking and waiting and just letting himself feel.
[say]"No one gets it right the first time."[/say] He added softly. They certainly hadn't. They weren't now, for entirely different reasons.
RE: I breathe disaster - Loren - 10-08-2019
It all sounded so simple. Try again. If at first he didn’t succeed, try, try again. If the second, third, fourth, the countless times he failed, if time and time again he was met with rejection or suspicion or simply indifference, just keep going. Never give up, even when all seemed hopeless. [say]”I want to.”[/say] Loren knew Remi probably wouldn’t believe that. But all the Launceleyn had ever really wanted was uncomplicated, unconditional, undeniable love, and to love someone back in return.
Unfortunately, he always got in the way. Or else life, or the gods, or a whole new world did. [say]”But I don’t even know where to start.”[/say] There was hardly anyone left that he hadn’t alienated in some way, shape, or form, every time he’d loved someone it had ended in disaster, and every time someone had loved him, it had been even worse.
RE: I breathe disaster - Remi - 10-08-2019
[say]"Who does?"[/say] Remi said, his voice oddly light with a breath of laughter. Pulling away from Loren—his wings more than large enough to remain around the summoner's shoulders and back—but the alchemist couldn't meet the summoner's gaze. [say]"Not that I am telling you what to do..."[/say] He said carefully, looking distractedly at the clover now beneath them. [say]"..but it is alright to fail. I...suspect that was not part of the Launceleyn upbringing but, you are, you know. You do not need to be perfect. It is okay to get things wrong, and to not know."[/say]
Remi's cheeks flushed, expecting to be scolded at any moment for overstepping again, but he thought Loren needed to hear it even if Remi couldn't make him believe it.
RE: I breathe disaster - Loren - 10-09-2019
Alright, maybe Loren had been a little too firm about not telling the Launceleyn what to do thing. Remi’s heart at least was in the right place; the same could certainly not be said of the summoner. [say]”I used to get tortured for being anything less than perfect. And I was never perfect.”[/say] It had gone on for so long that he’d started doing it to himself, even after his family started fracturing and he himself had become one of the strongest among them. Maybe he’d never really stopped, even to this day. In fact, that seemed apparent, now that the alchemist had pointed it out.
[say]”But if I fail...if I fail in this I’m not the only one who gets hurt.”[/say] No, the summoner would take others down with him, and he’d never been comfortable with that. Dragging them down while he was enraged, maybe—and even then his recent actions didn’t really sit well with him—but not when he was trying to help or love. Never then. [say]"And it still doesn't change..."[/say] Anything really: he could change his outlook as many times as he wanted, more even, but that didn't mean he could love with hurting, either himself or others.
RE: I breathe disaster - Remi - 10-09-2019
[say]"Let them try and torture you now."[/say] Remi said gently, glancing up towards the Spark Bird in all its glory as evidence of the wealth of strength the Launceleyn now possessed. At the mention of pain the alchemist could only sigh gently and shrug against the summoner. [say]"You have always said how much you wanted to protect others from pain...but it is a part of life."[/say] Some types more than others. The avoid the sort of pain the Launceleyn's normally caused was one thing, but it was impossible to avoid it full stop.
[say]"I...know this is not just about you and I."[/say] The alchemist said, flushing bashfully. But it also wasn't not about them either. [say]"If you will hear it, I would like...to tell you how I feel. Not just in pieces, but the whole thing."[/say] Loren thought that a friendship between them would always end in ruin or cause them both pain...but maybe Remi now had the words to explain why it wouldn't. [say]"But..inside, please? I am freezing, and I can feel you are too."[/say]
RE: I breathe disaster - Loren - 10-09-2019
They were all dead and gone. But that didn’t really change anything. [say]”They’re in my head.”[/say] Indeed, his relatives had no need to torture him, when he was doing an excellent job of that himself. At the mention of life being pain, the Launceleyn closed his eyes, unable to look at the other man in that moment. [say]”I know. I know that pain is always there. But...”[/say] He was about to say that he didn’t want to be the cause of it, but recent actions had betrayed that. Besides, he’d failed so often in that. Growing up he’d only experienced pain and sorrow. And he didn’t wish that on anyone else, didn’t want to bring all that out into the world, not when it was all he’d ever really known. But what he wanted didn't matter. It never did.
At the alchemist’s request, Loren sighed, and opened his eyes. He wasn’t so sure another conversation between the two of them was a good idea, given how they tended to go. Still, he nodded. [say]”Okay.”[/say] His eyes strayed upwards to his Spark Bird, and he felt his heart clench. After everything Remi had said, all the summoner could think about was how once again he was proving inadequate. His creatures, his magic, everything he was, wasn’t enough.
So, though he banished the Spark Bird, he sent out a prayer to gods who weren’t likely weren’t listening to him asking for more than he deserved. Again. More strength. More fortitude. More wisdom. The strength to protect those who relied on him, the fortitude to stand firm against the darkness, the wisdom to know how to keep himself sane and those under his aegis safe.
The bird disappeared. However, a single feather remained. It floated down slowly to the ground below, crackling with light and heat and electricity. Loren’s eyes were wide as he watched it, and his jaw dropped, though no sound came out.
Please add the following to Loren's inventory:
Feather of the Spark Bird | Provides a constant source of light, and can be used to start fires from even the most inflammable of objects and even in terrible conditions (rain, wind, etc).
RE: I breathe disaster - Remi - 10-09-2019
[say]"Well. You said before you did not know where to start. Maybe start there."[/say] For perhaps the first time though, the alchemist didn't push. He merely let Loren feel whatever it was on his own. There was only so much the alchemist could do, and based on everything the summoner had said, perhaps a good deal of what he needed was just to muddle through it himself.
Watching as the Spark Bird feather flit to the ground, where it touched the bits of grasses Remi had created, it immediately burst into flame. Only the memory snow provided any sort of barrier. With an ungraceful yelp, Remi shot to his feet trying to tug Loren with him as the fire raced towards the path of greenery upon which they had been kneeling.
RE: I breathe disaster - Loren - 10-09-2019
Remi seemed to think that unless and until Loren stopped beating himself up for being anything less than perfect, he’d never be able to find happiness. Well, maybe that was true. And he could definitely start there. [say]”I will try.”[/say] However, he didn’t know if he’d succeed. After all, he’d never really succeeded in getting rid of the ghosts of his past; they haunted him more and more every day.
Well. The feather was very pretty. However, it was also apparently very much on fire: as soon as it touched down near the grasses the alchemist had created, flames shot towards them. The other man wouldn’t have to pull the Launceleyn that hard. He stumbled to his feet, willingly allowing Remi to grab him and pull him away from the blaze. However, they’d been right next to the door. The wooden door. [say]”The Manor!”[/say] None of Loren’s skills or magic would be able to put out this blaze. But if the mansion caught fire, people might die, and he found himself gripped with terror.