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the edge of water - Loren - 11-22-2019
More and more often Loren found himself making treks out to the shrine in the Glade to leave tribute and make prayers to Frey. It was probably overkill, but better safe than sorry, and he was still basking in the blessing the god had given him. Today, once he’d given his offerings, he’d made his way to the Oasis. He was planning to see if he could rectify his egregious lack of swimming ability and also enjoy the gorgeous Flowerbirth weather.
However, four very familiar blonde heads were already there. The Launceleyn hesitated for just a moment when he saw
It slipped away when Loren turned back to the midwife and lowered his voice. [say]”I am sorry for your loss.”[/say] His eyes flicked to the triplets. [say]”How are they coping? How are you coping?”[/say]
RE: the edge of water - Phoebe - 11-24-2019
The four blondes in question, or rather three in particular, were having a very good time. The Oasis was a hotbed of memory mud, and the three shirtless boys ran around in the wriggling stuff. A mud fight had just ensued, resulting in a forced tie when they'd accidentally hit Auntie Phoebe with a wad of it. Now they were gathering the enchanted mud to make mudpies while Phoebe watched quietly while she read.
She glanced up when a familiar voice spoke, and she smiled softly as Loren approached from the general direction of the Glade Shrine. She tried to say hello back, but the boys were much quicker and louder to the draw. "Hello, Mr. Loren!" they said loudly, before continuing to try and coax the mud into the shapes of pies. Phoebe already had a few 'pastries' made of mud lined up in front of her.
The midwife simply nodded at his condolences, brown eyes glancing over the children as he asked about them all. Were it not for their blue eyes that were so distinctly Roana's, the three could have easily been mistaken as Phoebe's own children. [say]"They are...alright. Some emotional outbursts here and there but...each day is better than the last."[/say] she said of the boys before glancing at him again. Some of her usual vibrancy seemed dampened, and based on the circles under her eyes exhaustion was the culprit. [say]"It's a lot. I'm now raising triplets all on my own in addition to running the College, my practice, and overseeing the infirmary. But I'm managing."[/say] she said with a slight shrug.
RE: the edge of water - Loren - 11-29-2019
Loren’s eyes flicked down to the mud the triplet’s were shaping. [say]”What’re you making, boys?”[/say] Then the summoner’s gaze settled on Phoebe’s book. His eyes narrowed as he tried to make out the title. However, he met her gaze with his own when she spoke. Smiling a bit sadly, he clasped his arms behind his back. [say]”Sometimes that’s all we can hope for.”[/say]
As she continued to speak, the smile slipped away. [say]"I'm sorry. That's a lot to handle."[/say] His voice came out softly. [say]"If you ever need help with anything, let me know. I know I'm just a student, but I can help out at the college or infirmary. Or if you want me to take the boys for a day, just say the word."[/say] This time, the sad edge to the smile was much stronger. [say]"Since Zariah took Beatrix and Jace it's been...quieter, in the Manor."[/say] His voice came out quietly, barely more than a whisper.
RE: the edge of water - Phoebe - 12-01-2019
{i]\"Mudpies!\"{i} Jax said excitedly, as he over-enthusiastically patted the piles of mud in front of him, sending bits of the memory mud into the air. For the time being, it seemed to be playing along as well, retaining the shape of the pies in spite of the physics that should have turned them into muddy puddles once more. Phoebe nodded in agreement with his assessment, setting her book - which Loren would find was an anatomy text based on the title - aside. [say}"Sometimes it is. Though it can be hard to remember in the moment as well."[/say] she said softly. The nights when they were inconsolable, the days when no amount of timeouts or swats on the bottom or threats of bed without dinner would make them behave - that's when it was most difficult to remember to be patient. But she persisted, if only for their sakes, hiding her frustration from their eyes.
The midwife smiled at him, a small, melancholic smile, but a genuine one nonetheless. [say]"I appreciate the offer, but you have a tendency of keeping yourself quite busy as well. I wouldn't burden you more than I have."[/say] she said softly, looking out at the boys as they continued to play, chasing bits of memory mud around the water's edge - though at a determined safe distance. [say]"It's a lot, yes, but...for the first time in nearly a year I think I'm fairly content."[/say] she admitted. She had nothing of what she wanted, not as she had wanted it anyways, but her life was very full. She had her work, she had her research, she had her nephews and her dragon, and she had her god-friend, Frey. That it was difficult to balance it all was just part of life. No one had ever said it would be easy after all. And as it stood, Loren had made enough additional problems for her as it was. [say]"Besides, helpful things like telling my ex that I have a crush on you really aren't. Just as a general note."[/say] she added, a bit pointedly. It was a small point of irritation she was trying to deal with and get over, but with him sitting there it was difficult not to air it a bit.
But the sadness that crept into his own tone gave her pause, glancing over at him. [say]"I see. So they did go with her then."[/say] she said quietly, recalling the conversation they'd had about this exact moment.
RE: the edge of water - Loren - 12-02-2019
Grinning at the Jax’s’ enthusiastic response, Loren knelt down, heedless of the mud, to take a closer look. Seeing one of the pies teetering, he reached out a gentle hand and patted it back into shape, before standing and wiping his palm on his pants. [say]”Keep up the good work.”[/say] Turning to Phoebe, the smile slipped away. [say]”I know.”[/say] His voice came out quietly enough that the boys couldn’t hear it.
As she spoke, the summoner shrugged. [say]”You haven’t been a burden. And I’m not really doing anything at the moment, to be perfectly honest. But I understand. If you change your mind, though, let me know.”[/say] He smiled at the midwife’s next statement, though there was a sad edge to this one. [say]”I’m glad you’re content.”[/say] His tone was gentle and genuine.
However, the smile disappeared in a heartbeat at her comment. Running a nervous hand through his hair, he gave her a sheepish look. [say]"I'm sorry about that, though I told him you had a very brief crush, not that you have one. I didn't expect him to tell you. Then again, I doubt you expected Remi to tell me either."[/say] The Launceleyn closed his eyes and took a deep breath. [say]"Sorry. Again. I shouldn't have done that."[/say] Opening his eyes, he bit his lip. [say]"And I'm...I'm sorry I didn't...recognize, uh, didn't know. Before, I mean."[/say] His voice was awkwardly stilted, but contained an honestly apologetic core.
He nodded. [say]”Of course.”[/say] Sighing, he crossed his arms. [say]”I suppose my offer to watch over the boys was a bit selfish. I miss the Beatrix and Jace.”[/say] The deep sadness in his voice indicated that it went a little beyond missing them, but his features remained neutral enough.
RE: the edge of water - Phoebe - 12-03-2019
The boys happily kept to their task, and Phoebe merely nodded at his acknowledgement of her words. What else was there to say really? [say]"If you are glad, then why do you look sad?"[/say] she asked, head tilting slighty as his eyes shone with the sadness his smile seemed to try to cover.
The smile dissipated quickly as she called him out on his words to Jata. The midwife remained quiet, honeyed eyes watching him fumble and stutter with a steady gaze. [say]"Brief crush, elongated crush, passing fancy - doesn't terribly matter how it was worded it just gave him something to antagonize me with. It's not a terribly big deal. Jata just recently used it in an arguement to try and make me feel badly is all. But I know how to deal with him."[/say] she said, shrugging a bit. He should know how revealing information like that to someone's ex caused problems though. As far as his other apologies though...[say]"Why are you apologizing for not noticing? You've nothing to apologize for unless you think you've missed an opportunity you would've like to explore - and from what I hear that does not seem to be the case. And that's fine. You're not obligated to care about my feelings."[/say] she said, glancing down at her hands, not quite frowning but not looking particularly happy either. [say]"I had only thought we wanted similar things. It seemed fitting given our past experiences but, I was clearly wrong as is often the case."[/say] she said, glancing up at the boys again, her usually calm expression troubled, masking what she was truly feeling in the moment.
But he hadn't cared how she felt or thought before, why start revealing that now?
[say]"Well, I doubt the boys can replace Beatrix and Jace, but if you ever want a good night's rest, you're more than welcome to come let them wear you out."[/say] she said with a hint of a smile. [say]"Though, if you enjoy having children around, I don't know why you don't just start your own family."[/say] she said.
RE: the edge of water - Loren - 12-03-2019
Shrugging, Loren ran a hand through his hair. [say]”I can be happy for you and sad about other things.”[/say] He very carefully did not meet Phoebe’s eyes. Instead, he just sighed and looked away as she explained what happened with Sunjata. [say]”I’m sorry he used what I told him to try and hurt you. I was...hoping that telling him would get him to recognize that our actions had hurt you.”[/say] He bit his lip, his voice quiet.
It stayed quiet as she asked him why he was sorry. He crossed his arms, brow furrowed and tilted his head at her. [say]”I don’t know what you heard. But just because I’m not obligated to care doesn’t mean I don’t care.”[/say] Raising his head, he tried to catch her eyes. [say]”I don’t know what I want. But even if I did, that...doesn’t mean anything, really. Sometimes wanting things isn’t enough, and one day maybe I’ll even be okay with that.”[/say] His voice was still barely above a whisper, but it came out frankly enough.
Some of the cheer bled back into his eyes and his features. [say]”I was a boy once too. I think I’ll survive.”[/say] However, that statement caused him to falter again, the sad expression crossing his face once more. At her suggestion that he start a family, he barked out a short and unhappy sounding laugh. [say]”Because I’d be a terrible father. And I’m already under a death threat. Plus it kind of requires, well...let’s just say it’s unlikely.”[/say]
RE: the edge of water - Phoebe - 12-03-2019
[say]"What are you sad about?"[/say] she asked more directly, since he was dancing around the question. As it was, it seemed he had just about every reason to be happy, the exception of course being Beatrix and Jace's absence. But she didn't know everything about his day to day so there was of course room for her to be incorrect. At his apology though she shrugged. [say]"He was upset about Lusea and I was the closest target for him to take it out on, besides himself of course. But whether what you and him and Lusea did hurt me is beside the point. I clearly was not ever considered as part of the equation, so there is no reason for me to be upset."[/say] she said with a shrug, though the troubled look on her face hinted that her words might not match her emotions.
But that was what Frey would have told her. It hadn't been done to hurt her. She wasn't part of anything that had to do with that. There was no point being upset...even if she was, if only that it was so unfathomable that she might've been part of it in any way.
Phoebe didn't shy from his look, holding it with a quiet ease. A few months earlier she might've been in tears over such a conversation, but now...it was pointless. [say]"You only care because Remi told you I had considered us a complementary match. If he hadn't you wouldn't think to care about my thoughts or feelings on the matter. Caring because you know you should care is not the same as actually caring."[/say] she said simply, almost emotionless as if stating a boring fact.
[say]"What you feel is important. That includes wanting things."[/say] she said, parroting Frey in a way. [say]"If you want wild threesomes during LongNight, have them. If you want an exlusive relationship with someone, pursue it. If you want to teach, teach. Wanting only doesn't matter when you don't do anything about it."[/say] she said with a shrug.
That he thought he would be a terrible father though brought a wry smile to her lips and she shook her head slightly. [say]"The only bad fathers are absent or abusive."[/say] she said, glancing back up at him. [say]"But there you go making excuses again. Do you want children - that's the question. If you do, then find a way to make it happen. It's not like there aren't women around."[/say] she said, shrugging a bit.
RE: the edge of water - Loren - 12-03-2019
Loren gave Phoebe a flat stare. [say]”I was disowned from my family, was informed by my cousin that my days were numbered, and told my actions fundamentally didn’t matter by a close friend.”[/say] The words came out in an almost monotone. At her comment, however, he sighed. [say]”There is reason for you to be upset.”[/say] This time, his voice was gentle.
Running his hand through his hair, he gave her an apologetic look. [say]”It’s not the same, no. But I can’t care about things I don’t know about.”[/say] Unlike her, his tone was far from emotionless, though it mostly soothing at the moment. As she continued to speak, almost dispassionately, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. [say]”I said I didn’t know what I wanted.”[/say] He opened his eyes. [say]”But you’re wrong. If what I want is incompatible with what other people want, then I have to consider that.”[/say] His words were quiet, but firm.
Shaking his head, he crossed his hands behind his back. [say]”That’s not true.”[/say] However, he fell silent, brow furrowed. [say]”I want children, eventually. But I’m still young. There’s time, and it would be irresponsible to raise children when I’m barely capable of taking care of myself.”[/say]
RE: the edge of water - Phoebe - 12-03-2019
Phoebe blinked, a bit taken off guard by that whole list. [say]”I’m sorry.”[/say] she said softly, but in earnest. [say]”They say tragedy comes in threes though, perhaps things will begin to look up for you soon.”[/say] she added with a small smile, hoping it might cheer him up, even if only slightly. She sighed at his own comment though and shrugged. [say]”Even if there is a reason it doesn’t matter. If I was upset, would you take a chance being with me to make me feel better?”[/say] she said rhetorically to prove a point. She knew the answer, and the answer was what made her upset pointless. She wasn’t part of his equation, nor was she part of anyone else’s. She just needed to remember that, if only to make it seem less personal.
[say]”We have a difference of opinion then.”[/say] she said softly. [say]”When you truly care about someone, you care about all the things you don’t know. You did it with Beatrix and Jace without even thinking about it – you considered what might happen, what might cause troubles because you cared about them genuinely, even though you didn’t know if it did, was, or would happen. That’s what makes caring different from guilt or remorse, I think.”[/say] She sighed and shrugged, shaking her head slightly. [say]”Not that it matters. It’s all things that are said and done and the outcome is still the same – you are pursuing other people and I am not one of them because you didn’t see what I did.”[/say] she said, looking down at her hands. [say]”Do you have to consider it? Are the things you want so flimsy that other’s opinions matter so much?”[/say] she asked softly. No one wanted her, but it didn’t stop her from wanting someone in her life, nor stop her from pursuing it when she thought there might be a chance.
When he claimed her words about fatherhood weren’t true, she glanced at him with a smirk. [say]”Telling a midwife what does and doesn’t constitute a good parent now? My, aren’t you cheeky.”[/say] she said, a hint of a tease in her tone. [say]”You are capable of taking care of yourself. You’ve just not had the proper motivation to do so.”[/say] she said, looking over at the boys. [say]”I didn’t either before. Now I’ve three other little lives to take care of, and I can’t do that if I don’t take care of me, too. It’s the greatest motivator nature has to offer.”[/say]
RE: the edge of water - Loren - 12-03-2019
Frowning, Loren gave Phoebe a pointed look. [say]”When have things ever looked up in Caido?”[/say] He crossed his arms. [say]”Even if the rest of the world was calmer, my family is back, and as much as I or others might want to leave things be, I doubt it’ll be that simple.”[/say] Then he tilted his head at her. [say]”It does matter. But…”[/say] His voice trailed off and he bit his lip. [say]”I’m confused why you think the only way to make things better is for me to be with you? I’m assuming you mean romantically.”[/say] His words came out hesitantly, given that he truly was unclear on the logic here.
Shaking his head, he sighed. [say]”We do. Or maybe I’m just bad at caring or thinking about others. But, again, it’s impossible to care when you don’t something is happening.”[/say] Dropping his hands, he shrugged. [say]”You’re right, I didn’t see what you did. Still don’t.”[/say] He held up a hand to forestall her response. [say]”That’s because I don’t think I’d be very good for you, and I don’t view you in that way, which is on me, not on you.”[/say]
Shrugging again, he crossed his arms once more. [say]”Or maybe I care more about what others want than what I do.”[/say] He remained silent for a long while before continuing, his voice soft. [say]”And I have to consider it when the things I want either hurt people, or when the things I want are things like peace and quiet, which is something I seriously doubt I will ever have.”[/say] He glanced away, staring at the ground.
However, he looked back at her teasing comment. [say]”I sure am.”[/say] At least this time his tone had the ghost of cheerfulness in it. [say]”I’m not so sure about that. The taking care of myself thing. And not everyone is capable of what you are.”[/say] It came out simply and matter of factly.
RE: the edge of water - Phoebe - 12-03-2019
Phoebe shrugged a little at his question. [say]”About when you stop focusing on everything all at once and focus on the moment.”[/say] she said. [say]”And from what I know of you, you are terrible at focusing on the moment.”[/say] she added, a bare hint of a tease in her voice. But his confusion at her somewhat rhetorical question confused her. [say]”It was a bit rhetorical, Loren. The premise was I would have been upset, because I liked you and you did not return those feelings. To rectify those specific hurt feelings, the most straightforward way would be to be with me romantically. The point being made was that any hurt feelings in the matter weren’t anything to feel sorry over because you couldn’t rectify the situation, because you wouldn’t be willing to do what it took to do so. See what I am getting at?”[/say] she said, trying to explain what she had thought had been a rather clear point. Maybe he was just taking things too literally.
”You’re right, I didn’t see what you did. Still don’t”
She knew it was true but it still stung to hear. Her lips pressed in a thin line as she focused on the waters of the Oasis. [say]”You’re empathy skills could use a little work.”[/say] she said dryly, confirming in part about his difficulty with thinking of others. And his explanation? A bit pathetic, which only added salt to the wound. [say]”It’s not you, it’s me. Classic. But when you’ve heard it as often as I have it starts to lose its poignancy. I’ve accepted that I am, in fact, my own worst enemy here.”[/say] She wasn’t what men wanted, plain and simple. It had played out enough times for it to become clear to her, and she was simply done banging her head against the wall trying to prove herself wrong. It wasn’t Loren. It wasn’t Sunjata. It wasn’t Emmett. It was her.
[say]”You nobles always think you know better than everyone.”[/say] she teased right back at his confirmation. [say]”But I’m nothing special. If I can do something, anyone can.”[/say] she said softly. She wasn’t terribly powerful or strong or influential. She was normal. Average. The bar she set completely attainable.
RE: the edge of water - Loren - 12-03-2019
[say]”I am.”[/say] Loren agreed with that assessment easily enough. [say]”Then again, nothing in life ever came easily to me. Well. I was a duke, so that’s not strictly true. But nothing I cared about ever came easily to me.”[/say] Glancing at Phoebe, he found his foot tapping before he stilled it. [say]”So worrying about the future, for myself and others, simply feels more natural to me. Because if I don't, then my future will be bleak.”[/say] He shrugged, a slightly sheepish expression on his face.
The chagrin grew, but he forced a cheerful smile onto his lips. [say]”The most straightforward way, maybe, but not the only way.”[/say] The smile stayed, but it had lost even the veneer of joy he’d tried to put on it. [say]”They do. And you might be right, but I also don’t think you would’ve been at all happy with me. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not exactly an easy person to get along with.”[/say] However, he made himself shut his mouth before he made another dumb comment.
He flashed a grin at her, brief but genuine. [say]”Guilty.”[/say] When she made her next statement, though, he frowned, and shook his head sharply. [say]”What the fuck are you talking about?”[/say] His words came out entirely incredulous. Fixing her with his most pointed stare, he crossed his arms, then raised one hand to tick off his fingers. [say]”Befriending a god. Founding and leading a medical college. Raising three boys.”[/say] He tilted his head at her. [say]”I would hardly say you’re nothing special.”[/say] Indeed, his tone indicated just how much he disagreed with that sentiment.
RE: the edge of water - Phoebe - 12-04-2019
Phoebe considered what he had to say quietly for a moment. [say]"Worrying about your future and that of others got you here though, and as you've said it isn't exactly the most pleasant. So perhaps you ought to try a different approach to see if you get different results."[/say] she suggested. It was what she was struggling to do after all. It wasn't easy but...each day made it a little easier. Eventually, she might even emulate the healthy detachment of Frey...if in a slightly altered for a human reality sort of way.
[say]"Oh? What other way do you think there is?"[/say] she said, genuinely curious how he thought he had a different viable solution to the problem she presented about her own potential emotions. Whatever it was was bound to be entertaining since she knew herself better than anyone. Except Frey maybe. [say]"I've also noticed you are your own worst critic. I think you ought let me decide for myself what I consider tolerable or difficult in another person."[/say] she said, a slightly playful tone in her voice. He was awfully presumptuous about her emotions.
But his sudden change and curse made her eyes widen. [say]"Watch your mouth, there are children here!"[/say] she snipped at him, a motherly, chiding tone in her voice. But aa he ticked off her various accomplishments, her expression fell a bit. [say]"Yes. I've done and do all those things. It doesn't mean I'm special. Not to anyone but you apparently."[/say] she said with a melancholic smile. But that was fine by her. She didn't need to be special. She was just a common girl making her way in the world, looking for love where there was none as she went.