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+---- Thread: you’re looking to disappear (/showthread.php?tid=2807)
RE: you’re looking to disappear - Sunjata - 02-12-2020
He can feel her tears as they hit his back, he can feel the way she clutches to him tighter as the words leave his lips, and it pangs deeper. A serrated knife to the heart, twisting and pushing further and further, until there’s nothing left but red. Blood. Only they hadn’t cut when they were murdered. Hadn’t been butchered, hadn’t been torn apart. Frozen solid, within each other’s arms, and he hurts so incredibly deeply for that.
’Save it for the bedroom, boys.’ He’d told them. He hadn’t meant it to be in Mort’s realm.
She tells him that he didn’t kill them. But hadn’t he? When he’d asked them to come along for this hunt? For Safrin, for the Shrine? Wasn’t it his fault that he’d dragged them along, an echo of the past when Lusea had died the first time. When it had been his fault, for her to get close to him when it would inevitably end in rivers of blood along a marble floor.
He shakes his head to her, the cracks in his soul growing wider, pieces falling around and yet somehow he’s not the same, not again. No cocky arrogance, no dark humor. Only… Hollow. A shell, a boy, soft and naïve. He can feel it grow, feel it take hold as he fights to show his emotions. That being soft got you killed, and well… Shouldn’t he have been killed then?
He doesn’t respond to her, unable to respond to the implications of just how he thinks it is his fault. “[say]Peter was my best friend, Maea.[/say]”
RE: you’re looking to disappear - Maea - 02-12-2020
His best friend. She hadn't know that. Knew so very little of him. Of Peter, and Adam. Only brief interactions, moments that meant something but were so short, so brief, so fleeting. [say]"I was the first person they met, when they came here,"[/say] she told him, still weeping hot tears onto his back. Barely able to speak, so helpless to do anything but hold him, hold on tight and keep them warm. Her dress was soaked, the shawl had slipped from her shoulders and lay on the floor beside the tub, but she didn't care, didn't care, didn't care about those trivial things. [say]"Both of them. Adam.. fell onto my table. Spilled soup all over me, and himself, and laughed at me when I explained everything. Thought it was a s-stupid jo-joke.
"An-and Peter... he was m-y friend too. H-he lived on the f-farm with me, and...H-he.."[/say]
She couldn't go on. Biting her jaws together so tightly the teeth creaked, Maea's chest heaved in a shuddering breath, losing the battle to keep the sobs at bay. But though she couldn't stop them, she did not give in to the grief either. Couldn't, when Sunjata was so numb, so gone, barely able to communicate.
The girl tried to slip around to his side, take his head and pull him into her chest. Coax him to lean on her, not close himself off like this.
[say]"Please. Talk to me."[/say] Anything. He could say anything, and it would be better than silence.
RE: you’re looking to disappear - Sunjata - 02-12-2020
He listens to her, because the other option is closing off further and he doesn’t know if he wants that – doesn’t know if he can deal with that. Instead, his hands shake, and he grips onto his arms, locked around his legs as if it might make it stop. It doesn’t, but he tries anyway. He hears her when she begins to stutter, as it hits her too, and he buries his face away, further into the shadows created. He’s too far past his emotions to partially shift like he usually would – too far past everything to feel anything other than the shattering of his person, of himself.
She slips around him, tries to pull him into her chest, into her to not be alone – and for a second he debates resisting, embracing this storm on his own as he had so many times before. But every time before had brought him closer to that edge, closer to the brink of where he wasn’t sure he could return. A rooftop once. A push against a knife to his throat once. A debate along the Bone Bridge.
All they’d have taken was one more step.
And he crumbles, releasing his hold from closing off, shutting down internally as he leans into her, taking a shattering inhale, feeling the tears as they burn against his closed eyes – but he can’t give into it. He doesn’t know if he can speak, his throat tight, hoarse, so sore. But he tries anyway, tries for her because that’s the only pillar he has now. The only thing.
“[say]I…[/say]” He begins, trailing off with a slight shake of his head. He can’t do this.
“[say]They were both part of the Advocates. Adam gave me the Guild. Later... He pierced my ears while Haai played with…[/say]” Trailing off again he swallows against the lump in his throat, refraining from giving in again. “[say]Coffee.[/say]” He finally manages, wondering if she’ll piece it together. They hadn’t killed the dragon for the heart.
But they had a dragon’s heart for it regardless.
But he breaks and shatters further, sure he can’t talk anymore, not with how tight his throat is, how torn up he feels inside, and he reaches for her then – arms slipping around her back to pull her close, burying his face along her shoulder, angling his face away from her to stare at the red water that laps against his quivering body. The same red that he’s sure clouds the hollow steel to his gaze.
RE: you’re looking to disappear - Maea - 02-12-2020
Oh, she understood. The girl was ever fond of puzzles. But this one was far too terrible to really look at quite yet. Maybe later, maybe in the quiet, deep darkness of the night when the edge of these emotions had dulled to something less sharp and cutting. When the crass, realistic part of her could piece together what was never said, and understand. They had set out for the heart of a rare creature, and oh, they had one. But it had claimed the lives of three others alongside it, and... and it was Coffee, not some nameless beast. It was a sweet, loving little dragon, to be loved and protected and cherished, not... not butchered for parts.
But Maea didn't permit herself to think too deeply on it just yet, because she wasn't sure if she could contain the emotions if she did. Grief and shock and horror, yes, but also anger. At Safrin, for setting them this stupid task, at Sunjata for picking the worst possible target and completely underestimating it, at herself for being unworthy, unable to join them - as if her presence could have done any kind of difference.
But no. She wasn't thinking any of these things. Just held her lover close when he finally gave in and leaned into her, shuddering and so close to weeping. More broken than she had ever seen him, so torn apart that it scared her half to death because there was no trace of the Sunjata she knew here. Not her smiling rogue, her fishtailed playmate from the river, or the storm-eyed young god of the sea that ravaged her on the beach. Just a boy, too young for the things he had seen, and too scarred to ever be the same. This was some stranger that had fallen into her arms, and Maea held him tight. Held him close as he spoke, and she nodded and stroked his hair, so relieved just to hear his voice even if it was not the same either.
Was she awful, for loving him even more now that she saw him like this? Was she a terrible, cold monster to be relishing the way he trusted her, when all she should be doing was weep for those lost lives?
His voice faded, and he reached for her then. Pulled her into his arms and buried himself into her shoulder; and her dreadful woes melted away, because it didn't matter, she didn't care. If loving him in this moment made her a monster - despite the blood on his hands, the scars on his heart, the terrible, horribly stupid mistakes - then by the gods, she'd be a monster. For him, she would be anything. Whatever he needed.
[say]"Thank you for coming back,"[/say] she whispered, draping her arms about him, holding him close. Pressing her lips into his hair, Maea rocked him slowly. [say]"Thank you for being alive."[/say]
Maybe it did make her a monster... for being so selfishly happy to have him here, now, alive in her arms and still in one piece (save his broken heart) when she'd come so close to losing him too.
RE: you’re looking to disappear - Sunjata - 02-12-2020
It’s a never ending cycle, from one tragedy to the next. This fucking place, adding more salt to the wounds that had already been there, the scars and blood on his hands from earlier battles won and lost all the same. But what was the cost? What was the cost of this one? For so many to perish because he didn’t understand the size and brutality of a dragon? Because the only dragons he’d met had been Jigano and Coffee and Sugar?
Because he thought that talking to it would be easier, when his hello had woken the beast and blasted them to ice?
He was just like everyone had said, too many stupid and terrible decisions that lead to more death and destruction. He doesn’t deserve the kindness that Maea gives him, the love that she so freely gives. Perhaps the blood of Adam and Peter weren’t directly on his hands, but he had far too many there already. What’s a drop or two more to the hands that are already coated, covered, unrecognizable beneath the sheen of scarlet?
She holds him close, rocks him, and he stares at the edge of the tub though he doesn’t quite see it. He remains quiet, he doesn’t know how long he does. But eventually, soon enough, Sunjata shifts to rest his forehead along her shoulder, hiding his face away again – a shelter, an encasing way to close off again. He chews on the inside of his cheek when his jaw is slightly less tense, but he can feel the tightness of his throat easier now and it hurts to breathe.
“[say]I should have done something.[/say]” It should have been me. “[say]I should have…[/say]” I should have tried to get them out. He should have done many things. I shouldn't have let them come.
RE: you’re looking to disappear - Maea - 02-12-2020
If only she knew what went on inside his head. If she had been attuned, perhaps that wordless bond might have helped her understand, let her close him against her heart the way only her body could convey in this moment. Show him how much she cared, how much she wanted to understand and support and be there, even in the midst of her own grief. Because of it. But his silence left her clueless, and with only his arms around her and his shuddering breaths against her skin to tell her that he was there at all, Maea was left to guess. Left to her own maelstrom of thoughts, where emotions came and went unchecked and the only real thing she could do was hold him, keep the water around them warm and wait.
If she had known what kind of darkness he was staring into, it would have terrified her. She, who never feared the deep shadows before.
[say]"You did everything you could,"[/say] she responded softly with tear-choked voice, lips still pressed to his hair when his voice came back. Showed her his regrets, a glimpse of what he struggled with; and she refused to balk at it, or let him linger there for too long. [say]"What could you have done differently, with the information you had? What would any of you have done differently? They all chose to come with you, love. They followed you because they believed in the task Safrin set you, and because they wished to help.
"They knew it would be dangerous and they followed you anyway. Because they believed that you deserved it. Their love and loyalty. And you do. You do deserve it. All of it. Even this pain, because... because it means you are alive, and learning, and some day you will be in that place again and not make the same decisions you did now."[/say]
She wasn't sure her words made sense, if they would help or hinder or just make him reject her. But they felt true. A little high-and-mighty, plenty pointless and empty because they wouldn't change anything, not really. Their friends were still gone and they would be placing a dead little dragon on an altar to restore a shrine someone else had destroyed in their own grief caused by another failure brought on by a natural disaster no one could have predicted. It was all... just a slippery slope, and it was so easy to look back now and say what should have been done differently, but had Sunjata not done all that was in his power in those moments?
And if that was not enough - it wasn't, it really wasn't - then... that really only meant there was still more for him to learn. And for her too.
Because next time, she would not let him go alone.
And none of this made her heart break any less.
RE: you’re looking to disappear - Sunjata - 02-12-2020
You did everything you could.
He did not. And he’s struggling with that as he breaks in her arms, listening to her despite not wanting to listen, trying to shut it out. He’d made a mistake, a giant mistake, one that there was no coming back from. There was no round two, no way to get back to the dragon to retrieve their frozen bodies, no way to set things right. And with it, nothing goes right. He trembles in her arms, shaking his head against her shoulder.
He didn’t deserve their love and loyalty. He doesn’t now. He never has – mistake after mistake, made and made once more. There’s a shuddering exhale that leaves him, clutching her to him tighter. He knows about a thousand ways they could have done it better, knows just how reckless they had been. And that recklessness had gotten the two of them killed.
What was worth that in the end?
So he does what he always does, as he had with Lusea’s death not once, but twice. A shaky inhale, knowing she doesn’t want to hear it, but unable to keep it to himself any longer, the same thoughts trailing further and further into the dark. “[say]It should’ve been me.[/say]” He should have been at the front, guiding them all, not trailing behind like he had been, not staying near the entrance while others dove near it.
He should’ve stopped Adam before firing the gun and maybe then they’d have stood a chance. But love, love made you do stupid and terrible things. And he understands, because he had tried to go too when his father had killed Lusea, had tried to push against the blade at his throat – the scar was still there, trailing long and deep along the side of his neck along the main artery. And he hadn’t gone like he’d wanted to, far too much blood covering the marble floor.
RE: you’re looking to disappear - Maea - 02-12-2020
No. No, she wanted to say, to yell at him while shaking him. No, how could he even say that? How dared he think thoughts of leaving her, even for a second, no matter what the circumstance? He held her tighter and Maea did the same, a hand coming up to tangle in his hair and hold him close, hold him hard - and if it hurt a little then good. Wonderful. Because he wasn't dead and he was not about to die either.
[say]"And would that change anything?"[/say] she asked him, an edge to her voice now despite all the tears that ran uncontrollably down her face. [say]"You think your life equal to both of theirs? You think there would be no one to grieve for you if you'd gone instead? You'd leave everything and go to rest easy with Mort, and let the others wipe up your mess?"[/say]
Oh, she shouldn't be saying this. It wasn't the right way, not the right words, but they spilled out anyway, because in the midst of her grief Maea was suddenly angry too. Furious. Taking hold of his head between both of her hands, she pulled his head up, would drag it by the hair if she had to, so that she could stare into his eyes. Hers were equally red and swollen, face twisted in agony as she stared at him, forced him to look back at her.
[say]"Don't you ever say that again. Don't you even think it. You don't get to leave. You don't get to escape now. So you fucked up. So what? Are you some god who never makes mistakes? Are you some hero to sweep in and save the day? You're human, Sunjata, and not always the most clever one at that.
"Maybe it really should have been you but it is not, and I'll be damned if I let you think that your life would have been any less of a cost to pay. They're dead, you're not, and now you better fucking live for their sakes too!"[/say]
She shook him a little, glaring with red-rimmed eyes and daring him to contradict her.
RE: you’re looking to disappear - Sunjata - 02-12-2020
What is one life in comparison to two? Hell, even four if we count the companions? She doesn’t get it, she doesn’t understand that it would be easier if that were the case. If he had been the one to go instead of those so precious to so many around him. Who did he have, in the end? Her. Hotaru. Nate... The rest would likely not care, a passing note of ‘oh that’s terrible’. But Peter had a family, Adam had Amalia and his own makeshift family.
And what did he have?
The edge to her voice is heard but disregarded within his own sorrow, not finding it in him to put words through the tightness of his throat, the terrible dread. And what she tells him should ignite some sort of anger, some fury, some part of him that wants to scream that she doesn’t understand. But he can’t.
He gives no fight when she takes his head into her hands, forces him to look at her – and within those red rimmed eyes there’s nothing but a shattering grey hue of shadows, dark and so very much like he had been in Korofi after his trial, shut down, reserved, broken and fracturing apart at the seams. But she shakes him, tells him that he shouldn’t say it again, shouldn’t think it even.
But the thoughts are there, they’re always there. They will not go, no matter how hard he tries for it. Because this wasn’t the first time. So many times before had he regretted his very existence. His jaw clenches in her hands, keeping his mouth shut, but his gaze on her – looking, but not seeing her. He doesn’t find the words within him to argue with her.
He’s not sure how everything can go on the same as it always had been. He’d felt that way with Lusea once before and things had fit into place, but there were only so many times a person could break, piece themselves together with glue and tape, before the glue doesn’t work and the tape doesn’t stick anymore.
“[say]Okay.[/say]”
RE: you’re looking to disappear - Maea - 02-12-2020
Respond. React. Rise up, be riled, reply, damn you! Maea searched and searched in him for some response, for a spark of anything at all within his eyes, but there was nothing. Nothing for her harsh words to riccochet against, nothing to ignite... and the weak response, the simple acceptance of her demands hit her like a slap in the face that made the anger drain away as quickly as it had flared up.
She pulled him back into her shoulder, let him hide away again so she could bury her own face into his shoulder and cry. Never before had she felt so utterly helpless as she did here, now, dress soaked in a tub of bloodied water with a broken man in her arms. He was shattering before her very eyes and Maea did not know what to do to stop it. Wasn't sure she could.
So she did the only thing that made sense, and just held him. Hugged him so tight, hoping that some of those breaking, shattering pieces of him might be kept together, just for a little bit. But it probably wasn't enough. She loved him so much but their bonds were so weak yet, so fragile; he was a stranger and she was too, and in this kind of nightmare, how far did a few weeks and a night by the sea get them? Maea didn't know.
[say]"Please..just-just don't leave. Don't leave me,"[/say] she breathed into his shoulder, face screwed up with the effort to not cry. Not cry more, at any rate. [say]"Not you too, I don't... I don't want to do this without you. I'm here, I've got you, so just... just stay."[/say]
Stay alive, stay with me. The rest didn't matter.
RE: you’re looking to disappear - Sunjata - 02-12-2020
He won’t respond, won’t ignite that flame within him, because there’s nothing there. Shattered as he is, he lets her pull him into her shoulder again, his forehead resting against it as he hides himself away once more, closing off, shutting down, as if he’s trying to become as small as possible. But she doesn’t argue with his okay, his half answer, an answer he knows he won’t keep or do. How could she? She wouldn’t change his mind, nobody had.
It’s been there from the start, since he was six years old to sneak a peak at the trial, to see the horror and bloodshed and destruction that he was meant to partake in. That was the day he’d fallen out of the tree, and he’d thought the pain of breaking his leg was the worst it could get. But it got worse, it always did.
Her tears are felt, but he’s numb to them now. Numb to nearly everything, despite the warmth of the bath he still feels frigid inside. An icy core of nothingness that he can’t get past. So when she asks him to not leave her, all he can do is take another shuddering breath, arms locking behind her as he closes his eyes against her shoulder.
“[say]Okay.[/say]” Another reiteration, unable to make promises, unable to find it in him to try. She is his pillar right now, the constant in a storm of inconsistencies. Like Lusea had been when his mother had died, like he had shoved the burden on so many others. Hotaru comes to mind, briefly, fleetingly, another to share the burden that was him.
And how he regrets dragging all of them into the mess that he is.
RE: you’re looking to disappear - Maea - 02-12-2020
Again the weak response. The hollow word, the empty promise that was no promise at all. But Maea could only cling to it, because at least it was some kind of response, some kind of sign that he heard her, that he knew she was there.
What more could she say? What more could she do? If he was drowning in real water she could have saved him. Pulled him to the surface, drawn the liquid from his lungs and breathed him back to life. But how did you save someone who drowned in their own mind? She had no healing touch, could not soothe the black despair in him. No magic could fix this. She could hold him and listen to him breathe, listen to the crack as his heart kept breaking, and that was it, it was all.
It felt so hopelessly inadequate.
After a while, she fumbled for the soap again. For the washcloth. Lathering it, she resumed the work of cleaning him up. Sniffling occasionally, feeling all kinds of numb, she brought the temperature up as high as she could one final time, so hot it was a bit painful. Then she rinsed the blood from his skin. Scrubbed it gently from his jaw, from the stubbled cheeks, the chest. One by one, she found his hands and cleaned off his hands, pressing her lips to the bloody knuckles before rinsing them clean too, even picking his nails clean. If her mouth tasted of blood and soap after a while, she didn't notice. Didn't think about it.
And somewhere in the midst of all these ministrations, the slow, almost ritual cleansing, she began to sing. An old song, a fragmented lullaby she had sang to him once before. Only, she recalled some of the words now. Not all of them, but a few.
[say]".... and what shall I do when the LongDark has passed,
when in memory only I glean you?
And what shall I give for to twirl you again,
When darkness has hidden my true love?
Make a lantern for Ludo, for Ludo, my love
Bring it yonder when leaves are a'falling
and perchance you'll see me to dance one last time
Make a lantern and light it for Ludo... "[/say]
Her voice was breaking and trembling, and so very quiet... but Maea did not care about that either.
Did not care about anything other than him.
RE: you’re looking to disappear - Sunjata - 02-12-2020
She continues to scrub away the blood and dirt, and he doesn’t stop her – moving when she needs him to, adjusting when she does, something quiet, hollow, tired echoing through to bone. And he watches her as she does it, cold and empty within as he focuses on the water becoming redder. The cannibal means nothing to him now, the argument over it meaning nothing. And yet somehow, with all the blood, knowing who it was from, can’t keep him from thinking of those already on his hands.
She begins to sing a lullaby, and he half listens to it, half hears her voice break and trembling. He doesn’t know what else to do, what he can do. He wants to try and prevent the inevitable sinking further and further below, to be swept away – no longer an anchor but a sailor lost at sea. Lost, not wanting to be found again. But Maea is there, spotlight in hand despite how much he wants to shy away from it.
And she doesn’t even know the half of him.
He waits until she’s finished before he lets her go and creates more space between them as he rests an elbow on his knee, resting his head within his hand, rubbing at his eyes once more. His throat remains tight, sharp, like needles any time he takes a breath. But he tries to, for her, to say something, even if it’s not the right thing to say.
His shadows stretch far beyond, encapsulating her with him and he sits in further silence, unable to find it in him to say anything at all. To shallow, too withdrawn, to hidden away from everything, even her, to say anything else.
RE: you’re looking to disappear - Maea - 02-12-2020
She couldn't tell if he listened or not. If it meant anything. Likely not. Maea was singing as much to comfort herself, to remind herself that she had done this before. Loved and lost, and moved through the grief to come out again on the other side. She was a child of the Hollowed Ground, after all. Death and tragedy was fed them all by the spoonful, and only those who learned how to cope made it very far. Everyone had some way to push through. Some drowned in alcohol, others in love, while most did as she and lost themselves in work, to keep from feeling too deeply. Keep it hidden, keep it safe and leave the tears for a moment by a shrine, whispering fervent prayers to the gods. Then the mask was on again, back straight and head held high, because there was work to be done.
But when his skin was clean and the water dark with blood and gore, when she finally set the soap aside and could rinse the lather from his hair, there was nothing more left for her to do. No task to focus on, nothing for her hands to occupy themselves with. And Sunjata... was withdrawing again. For a moment she thought he was about to say something, speak, and she waited, listening to his breath. To the silence that settled when her song died and her throat could not stand to keep it up anymore.
She sighed, and wiped her tears away. Feeling drained. Reached for the collar and began to unbutton her dress. It was already soaked and stained, and clammy against her skin. Peeling it off in the crowded space of the tub was not an easy feat, but she did not want to get out. Couldn't stand to leave him there alone. One by one, drenched garments was dropped to the floor beside the shawl, and when there was nothing left on her to cause discomfort, Maea eased herself up against Sunjata again. Closed the distance he was trying to make, tried to steal her way into his arms. He didn't have to say anything else, if he couldn't bring himself to. She wouldn't either. What was there to say that could make a difference?
Maea just wanted to be close. Needed to feel him there under her hands, to prove that he was real. To remind him that she was real too, and not going anywhere.
She would keep the bathwater warm for as long as she was able. Let them sit there, soaking in the crimson bath until her magic drained and fingers and toes were crumpled and tender from too much water.