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+---- Thread: the blood you bleed is just the blood you owe (/showthread.php?tid=2892)
RE: the blood you bleed is just the blood you owe - Sunjata - 02-29-2020
Her sulking and annoyed response is met with a bit of a knowing glance – and should she be attuned, she’d have likely felt the shift in the bond. But she isn’t and he’s not sure if that’s a good thing or not – not when she shifts her position and straddles him, downing what seems like the rest of the bottle before her hands find his hair with enough of a force that his head tilts up toward her where she perches.
He wonders if she recalls his comment of figuring out what she likes, if it would make sense with what’s just left her lips. But his hands find her hips then, shifting to glide along her back to settle there when her cheek brushes against his own. And she tells him of birds that form pairs, that mate for life – that she doesn’t know if she is like that when Sunjata knows that he isn’t. “[say]I’m… Not like that.[/say]” He manages, breath sweet with the tinge of fruity alcohol.
But she continues, about how she’d want to try, not sure if it’s love or obsession, if it’s real or if it’ll last, and his gaze focuses on her a bit more intently. Her knuckles brush his cheek, soft and gentle, and his thumbs stroke her hips a small amount as he nods in some part understanding. At least… Until she asks him what he wants. And he doesn’t know, has never truly known. “[say]I…[/say]” He trails off as she begins to gesture.
The mention of the jealousy, of possessiveness, of her doubts even if he assured her he hadn’t been… And he clamps his lips shut as her fingers stroke his cheeks, his gaze shadowing and his vulnerability showing through like the moonlight over a stormy sea. His hands glide up from her sides to her arms, to rub along her biceps as if it’s a good enough distraction. “[say]I’m afraid of it.[/say]” He utters quietly.
“[say]I don’t know what I want, because I don’t deserve any of the good things that happen to me. And the idea of permanence… It’s…[/say]” He sighs, lips flattening into a line as he considers her. “[say]Maybe we shouldn’t. Maybe…[/say]” He doesn’t know what he’s saying anymore, hands falling from her arms to land on her legs that rest on either side of him. “[say]I’m going to fuck it up Maea, I always do. Every. Time. And you don't deserve that.[/say]”
RE: the blood you bleed is just the blood you owe - Maea - 02-29-2020
She didn't make much sense to herself either. Maea was a tumble of emotions, of thoughts and concepts and ideals, and she turned them over in her head like pieces of a puzzle, trying to fit each and every one to this thing they had, this connection that they did share, just to see what kind of picture it might create. What were they? It was a question she had asked before, and not been given an answer two. And in a very painful, very roundabout way, they were both asking it again now.
What are we? What do we want to become?
Even drunk as she was, her eyes saw clearly the pain in him, the fear and frustration. And it pained her to see him so broken, knowing that she might not be able to heal him, not the way she wanted to. If she could, she would gather up all these pieces of him, body heart and soul and fit them back together, love him until the cracks faded and he became whole again.
But... he might not want that. And... and if he didn't, then nothing she said or did would be enough.
Swallowing, she drew in a deep breath and tried to calm her own surging emotions. Gods, this was hard. It was painful, to hear him say that maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. She had doubted it too though, so... so he was allowed to.
[say]"Let's... let's forget about who deserves what, for a moment."[/say] Hands fell down from his face, to rest gently on his shoulders. Over the compasses etched into his skin, hiding them away, so that for a moment, the arrows didn't point anywhere at all. [say]"Forget for a moment everything that could go wrong.
"If... if you close your eyes, and picture yourself anywhere at all. At the VlamVloed, at the Slagveld, on a road going off to nowhere... Then you imagine those places with me in the picture. And without.
"Is there a difference, at all? Would my presence, or absence change anything? That's where you start."[/say]
RE: the blood you bleed is just the blood you owe - Sunjata - 02-29-2020
He’s not sure there’s enough love in the world to fill his cracks and put him back together. Certainly nobody that would deal with it enough, in such a way that he might need it to. But he listens, uttering his fear, his worries in the open air because he’s too drunk to have a filter anymore, and when her hands rest along his shoulders and cover his tattoos, he focuses on her a bit more intently.
To forget about who deserves what, to forget everything could go wrong. He’s not sure what it’s like, but he tries. And the muscle feathers in his jaw, but he obliges her. Eyes closing and revealing long dark lashes as he thinks for the answer. And his muscles feather more in his jaw.
“[say]I can’t.[/say]” He whispers, eyes squeezing shut tighter. He can’t see her there, not permanently. Because something would take her away – the Loreseekers, the Magic Academy, him one way or another. His breath hitches, and he fumbles with his words, his tongue feeling like lead as they begin to drop from his lips.
And she’s not going to like it. “[say]I went so long thinking it would be her. Until it wasn’t.[/say]” She’d know who it was he spoke of. “[say]The day… The day we were captured we were planning on leaving Korofi. We were going to go to Dorobo and just start over, pretend none of it happened.[/say]” He opens his dark, haunted gaze to look at Maea then, pain flashing through his gaze. “[say]We were trapped on the roof and then… We were going to jump to avoid it because we knew what my father was capable of. They got us before we could. And they made me listen for weeks down in the cells while they tortured her.[/say]” His voice shakes, he searches her gaze.
“[say]And she still loved me, despite it all.[/say]” The muscles feather in his jaw with the tension, trying to refrain from grinding them. Feathers begin to sprout beneath her hands. “[say]And it’s not fair for you. It’s not fair for me to keep trying to find her in you – in anyone I’m with, because I won’t. I never will.[/say]” His shoulders tremble a small amount beneath her hands. “[say]But when I close my eyes and try to think of a future, I still see her.[/say]”
RE: the blood you bleed is just the blood you owe - Maea - 02-29-2020
She could probably have found an answer for pretty much anything he said. Words to reason with him, coax him away from fear, from guilt, from pain. But there was one thing Maea was powerless against. Had been, from the very start.
And that... was love.
A love, not for her.
It... had haunted her a long time. Lusea's name. From the very first day, actually. The first name he'd spoken had been hers. Lusea's lantern. Lusea's bar. The Flood and the Flame, whether she was still there or not. He spoke of her, dreamed of her... and why shouldn't he? Sunjata had loved Lusea for four years and more, and you didn't just end that in a few seasons.
You never ended that. Love never died.
Maea closed her eyes. There was a dull ache spreading from her chest, through her body. It pooled in the jaws, like heat and pressure, burning in the eyes. Grief, pain, hurt, rage, it was all there... but oh, the love. That's what killed her.
Because... he didn't see her. And all she saw was him.
Very slowly, Maea leaned in and pressed her lips to his forehead. Held them there, as if to memorize what it felt like. To burn this moment, this instant, into her mind forever. Then, she slowly eased herself away from him. Climbed down from the table, and stood. Shaking. Trembling, from the effort it took to contain herself. To keep the tears back, to keep to her feet when the whole room was spinning.
[say]"I need to go find Shii."[/say] Her voice was very soft. Barely even there. But... she knew he would hear her.
He always did.
RE: the blood you bleed is just the blood you owe - Sunjata - 02-29-2020
Lusea was as much a part of him as anyone. Had changed him, had shown him the world. Perhaps it was much like he had been to Maea – that person that could show that there were better things out there, harder… But better, if the work was to go into it. And she hadn’t trusted him at first, hadn’t trusted him because of what he was and it had been an effort to prove it to her that he was different from the Senzaoks that preceded him.
Here? Here his reputation was shit but for a different reason, a different one that he wasn’t sure was as bad as being a murderer. He had been the golden one, brought down to the shadows of the slums, only to find that the shadows had been his upbringing, and the shadowy slums bathed in sunlight. And he missed it. He missed her. He wishes he’d never messed up, that perhaps she’d still be here.
She had been the one for him, to challenge him, unafraid to fight back when he got into his ways. Phoebe had said that it wasn’t love, that because she made him into the man he was rather than the soft boy of his childhood, that he’d been used. But it’d never felt like that with her. He is who he is because of what she’d done to him, for him.
And it was all unfair, for Maea and everyone else. And perhaps that’s why he was always dissatisfied with what he found here – because he always tried to find her, that flame of confidence and fury that singed against his waters, but still roared high enough that he couldn’t drown her. Perhaps that’s what he needs.
He shudders when Maea leans in and presses her lips to his forehead, eyes shuttering closed and he holds her there, hurting again and again, fucking up over and over again. But at least it had been honest, that it had been this confession and not the fact that he’d tried to find the flame in someone else. But he lets her go when she steps down from the table, away from him, and he leans forward to brace his elbows on his thighs, hands reaching up to cover his eyes and rub at them.
She tells him she needs to go find Shii, and he’s half tempted to let her and let it end like this – but something in him burns and rages, as if this wasn’t enough of a goodbye. Not like Hotaru and him had, with their rules and thoughts laid out. “[say]Maea… Wait.[/say]” He rumbles, lowering his hands from his face, making a motion to push himself off the table, swaying on his feet.
He can’t tell if this is a goodbye, but it hurts all the same.
RE: the blood you bleed is just the blood you owe - Maea - 02-29-2020
She was hurting too. Aching, burning, but not with the kind of fire he craved. Maea had no flames, not that kind he missed. She was winter, and ice, and dark nights without starlight or a moon to guide the way. She was Deepfrost and Longnight and the monsters that lurked in the dark, and that was how she could love him. Because his waters ran deep enough. Raged hard enough, that even she had to take notice.
And... perhaps it was all because of these Longheat days, and the bright sunlight, that she'd been mistaken for some moon. Some lightbringer to guide anyone out of the shadows.
Didn't her companion speak plenty of her nature? Just a wisp of a girl, weaving an errant path through life. As capable of leading people over the edge off a cliff as she was of letting them find a path back home. There was no plan, no hand guiding the reins. She didn't know what she was doing.
But he asked her to wait, and though she hurt, Maea couldn't deny him anything. Not even now, when she was this close to falling apart. She stopped, a hand braced on the table to keep her balance.
Waiting. For what... she didn't know.
Was this where she woke up, at last?
RE: the blood you bleed is just the blood you owe - Sunjata - 02-29-2020
Perhaps she had been an escape all this time, a distraction to ignore the pain and hurt that burrowed deep within. But that didn’t mean he didn’t love her. It was just… A different way than she loved him – and it showed in this drunken confession, the way she had obsessed over him and he had done that too – just not for her, for his flame. So he understood, that deep set feeling of wanting to be everything you could to keep it together.
But he wasn’t like Lusea, who didn’t have a predecessor lover that was everything he could ever need or want. It was the equivalent of having the best thing in your life only to have it ripped away, to spend the rest of your life searching for that high, only to be disappointed over and over again. And he hates himself for it, for hurting her this way – for not being the type of person she needs right now, perhaps he never would be… Perhaps he would one day.
Everything is just too fresh. And he had slapped a bandaid over the problem rather than dealing with it. Had left it to fester and become wounding, ignoring it until the pain of it grew too much.
She stops, and Sunjata’s gaze lands on her – full of regret and apology and that very same fear. “[say]I’m sorry.[/say]” He says quietly, words for only her. “[say]I… It’s just… It has happened fast, and at first I was fine with that because I could ignore the real problem.[/say]” He clenches his jaw taking a long inhale. “[say]But I do love you… And maybe, maybe one day I’ll be less fucked up…[/say]” ‘Maybe one day it can work, when I figure this shit out.’ “[say]I shouldn’t have done this to you. You deserve so much more.[/say]” And he regrets everything about it, about not being able to love her the way she deserves to be loved.
To be looked at like the sun, that fit all of her boxes, that showed her the world without making her worry if he stayed out too late.
Gods he was a mess.
RE: the blood you bleed is just the blood you owe - Maea - 02-29-2020
Ah. So that's how you wake up. When the dream ends. When the song fades, when the bottle runs empty. When the sweet bliss that left you breathless kept crushing the chest until your ribs broke and the fragments pierced the lungs, and your heart kept beating so fast... because it didn't know you were actually bleeding out.
He spoke. Apologized. Said he loved her, but that he was sorry, and maybe one day...
But not today?
He said she deserved more. Maea huffed a quiet laugh, and something finally broke in her. The tears started to roll down her cheeks. Hot. Painful. [say]"Do I? Really? I'm not so sure... It's not like I'm the good, sweet, innocent girl in some love story. I'm plenty fucked up too... What if you're exactly what I deserve?"[/say]
Gritting her teeth to hold back a sob, that wrecked through her thin frame, Maea turned. Looked up at him, even though it broke her heart even further.
[say]"I-I love you too,"[/say] she said, pushing the words out through locked jaws. His face was blurring and she blinked, letting the tears fall unhindered... for once, she didn't try to hide them. He had seen them before. He had already seen everything. What was left to hide? [say]"A-and... I want to stay. With you. But... but i-if you don't w-want that then..."[/say]
But that's where her strength broke. Sucking in a shuddering gasp, she clasped a hand over her mouth and sobbed, face contorting in pain. Her legs no longer held, too weak from the drink; they buckled, bringing her towards the floor.
RE: the blood you bleed is just the blood you owe - Sunjata - 02-29-2020
She laughs, and then she cries — hot tears running down her cheeks like rivers, and he wonders if maybe it was better this way — better to stop pretending that he could get over it so quickly when he couldn’t. When he knew things were wrong within him, broken jagged pieces that she was bound to cut herself on. But she tells him that she’s just as broken, just as fucked up, and he can’t see that in her. And perhaps that’s part of the problem.
But she turns and looks at him, and he’s covered in feathers along those shoulders, filling out tattoos from another life. There’s shadows in his eyes that are so dark, so deserted and haunted that it’s almost like it’s not him. He’s never wanted to make her cry, never wanted to break hearts, and yet here he was. Again.
She tells him she loves him too — that she wants to stay through the shadows, and he knows she can’t handle them. Deep down, he knows that she'll hate it, turn into everyone else and hate him for it too. Was it better to make her stay for the journey until she learns to resent him? Or was it better to take time for space for him to figure it out? He doesn’t know.
That’s where the problem lies though, isn’t it? That he never knows? As indecisive, impulsive as it comes. And it has gotten people killed, people hurt.
She sinks down now, fully breaking, and it hurts. But he’s moving now, reaching for her to pull her in, to let her cry and do whatever she wants to do to him because he probably deserves it. “[say]I’m sorry.[/say]” He says, hushed and swelling with emotions that swim behind that stone exterior. “[say]I just… I think I need time. To realize she’s not coming back.[/say]” It had taken him three years the first time. And then she’d come back, all that progress thrown out the window.
Perhaps part of him hopes she’ll come back again, though gods knew she would probably kill him for the things he’s done, the decisions he’s made, the people he’s hurt. “[say]I… Want you to stay, I do, but I think…[/say]” He trails off clenching his jaw, muscles feathering therein with tension. “[say]It’s better if I figure it out… I’m sorry Maea. I really am.[/say]”
Perhaps he’s already broken what Lusea last said to him. To never grow soft. And here he was, that shell shocked, broken boy of seventeen, piercing through the exterior of a man who wore a mask so well — so well — he’d hoped he had suffocated him.
RE: the blood you bleed is just the blood you owe - Maea - 02-29-2020
She faltered and crumbled, and he caught her, held her, like he wasn't saying goodbye. Like he wasn't about to leave and walk away from her, from them, from this dream that had only just begun to take form. There was a part of Maea that really wanted to shove him away, hit him, take out all this horrible, god-awful pain on him.
But how could she? He was the most precious thing she'd ever had, and she did not want to hurt him. Not even now. Not in any way.
Her arms just wrapped around his waist and she leaned into him, sobbing helplessly. And her tears were different from before. Not the restrained, pent up, silent shudders... Here, in the dusty, broken kitchen that could have been theirs, she cried like a child, raw and reckless, screaming her pain out against his chest. Convulsing with the sobs that wrecked through her, clutching him so hard, but so desperate not to hurt him.
Didn't care that he was the one who hurt her, because... he never meant to. How could she blame him for anything? Sunjata was still the only one who could bring this out in her. All this love, all this pain, all this life.
Had she been wrong? Had she been dreaming all that time, about a gray existence without hope or future? Could it be, that she'd only really woken up early one sunlit morning, when she stepped into a bar she was determined to hate, and came face to face with a man she was determined not to like?
It did read like a love story, didn't it... And now? Was it ending like this?
Maea didn't want it to. Couldn't let it go like this. Couldn't bring herself to let him go, either. Not even when he kept saying that it would be for the best, that he wanted her to stay but that he needed time, and space.
And Gods, how could she deny him? But how could she let go enough to give him what he needed? How, if it meant she might never get to hold him again?
It felt like the tears would never stop coming, and every time she thought the sobs were settling... it just came back, starting all over again.
RE: the blood you bleed is just the blood you owe - Sunjata - 02-29-2020
He stacks up the marble exterior more and more as she wraps her arms around his waist, weeping into his chest to where the tears felt cold against his skin. He fucked up, immensely, but was it better to have it happen now? Before the room was full of things that were theirs and he realized it would never work until he figured himself out?
He was only delaying the inevitable the longer it went on; and Maea had unfortunately been stuck in the crosshairs, screaming her hurt and he builds the walls further with each single brick. His arms wrap around her, hold her tight, strong while the world falls apart for her — when he hopes, somehow deep down, that he’s opened it for her. That she might try to be more daring, try to do new things, while he gets his shit together. “[say]I’m sorry.[/say]” He says again, soft and quiet, keeping his words to the minimum to keep his deep tones from shaking.
He had flooded her, and now where did that leave her? Like this, pouring him out of her, calming only to stir again. He does nothing else other than hold her close, fitting her into his lap on the floor, letting her cry and shake and scream and tremble. Because what else can he do? He can’t make it better, can’t take it all back with the way his head swims, fuzzy and full of alcohol and conversations that had gotten too deep too quickly.
He needs a break. She needs a break. She needs to find out that there are ways you can love people differently, that there’s so much potential for her if she simply went out to get it. As for him? He needed to drown in the shadows further and further until maybe, eventually, there might be a light. But he’s always been pegged as the villain in the story, and perhaps now he realizes it. The Devil’s Advocate, the monster he told her he was, with blood coating his hands and shadows and storms too deep to trudge through.
And so he holds her, giving her his warmth while he remains still, even, a pillar. A storm raging within.
RE: the blood you bleed is just the blood you owe - Maea - 02-29-2020
It felt like everything was coming apart around her. Images kept flashing before her, of the things they had done. Things they said they would do. Train together. Explore the ocean. Wander the Halo tundra and watch the stars, and come home together to a house by the sea. Laughing together around a table filled with their friends. There was an amphora waiting for him in a potter's store, filled to the brim with summer. It had ocean waves painted around it, surging and swaying, like the ocean in his eyes.
It was such a beautiful vision. A future, bright and full of color... and she kept stumbling over the way he said sorry, because it sounded too much like never. Would any of it happen now? Was this a forever goodbye? Was he leaving to never come back?
Would there ever be a someday for them?
She could have cried forever. Until exhaustion took her and unconsciousness set in. Until darkness fell and the moon rose to paint the end in the same silver hues as the beginning. Why was it that they met and parted under the same lighthouse? Was there some meaning in that? Some poetic reasoning, a prophetic foretelling?
But in the midst of her pain and surging emotions, she was touched by some other vision. Of a black nose and shimmering magpie wings reaching into a dark hollow, lit up by a blue glow that was not sunlight. Something petulant, sulky and selfish came with the image... like a child whining to take the monster away so the game of hide and seek could continue.
And somehow, that small contact with her mind broke through Maea's grief. Reached her, somehow, gave her something to focus on beyond the pain. Beyond Sunjata's arms around her and how damp his chest had become, stained with her tears. He held her so gently, seemed so calm, even though she could feel how his pulse raced under her hands.
She hiccuped softly, breath shuddering... but this time she could bite back the next swell of crying.
RE: the blood you bleed is just the blood you owe - Sunjata - 03-01-2020
It wouldn’t entirely be over, no. Not as far as Sunjata was concerned. Because he does love her, in his own way — not the way she loved him back. It was different, but all portrayed under the same guise, the same term. Perhaps that’s where the confusion lay. Perhaps he’s not looking for something so permanent, maybe he’s looking for something to bide the time before he inevitably gets too caught up, pisses too many people off, and then his end arrives.
Perhaps he just doesn’t want to be the way Lusea was to him, to someone else, to have the same thing happen.
It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want to see her again, even if it’s hard or it hurts. He just needs time to figure himself out, to move on in that portion of his life, to realize that Lusea’s not coming back. And somehow… then, if Maea has found someone better, someone that suits her more, then it would just be another reason why he hadn’t been a good fit. At least he’s helped open her eyes, even if it hurts now.
Haai manages to find Shii, aiming to pull the ball of light toward the house again — while Sunjata focuses on the girl in his arms, falling apart as he tries to patch her back up again. “[say]I think… Maybe we should start again. Take it slow.[/say]” Where he can’t take advantage of her feelings for him, where lines can be drawn and he can try his hardest to stick to them. To start as friends first and nothing more. Perhaps accepting her offer during the festival was foolish of him, maybe it was foolish of her to offer. “[say]And once I figure it out, then…[/say]” He trails off, a deeper rattling breath within him.
Then maybe it’ll be better, he’ll be less messed up and she’ll not have to worry about him. Maybe.
RE: the blood you bleed is just the blood you owe - Maea - 03-01-2020
How did you go back to not knowing someone? How do you unlove a person, unsing a song? There were some things you couldn't go back from, and love... must be the ultimate one.
The thing was, he was already her friend. He already had her love. He could have her whole life too, if he wanted. She wasn't just ready to die for him, she had been prepared to live with him too. Come fire, flood or high tide.
And what he offered now, what he asked her to do... was wait. For a maybe. To go back to watching him destroy himself slowly with drink and smoke and fighting, to see his skin bruised and bitten from the casual passion of others. To let him come and go through her life as he pleased, trampling mud and blood all across her heart, until it became as blackened and broken as his.
And the only thing she could say to that?
[say]"Okay."[/say] Her voice was faint. Thick with pain, with tears, with the desperate hope he offered.
She would wait. Bleed quietly her broken heart as long as he needed it. There were some things you couldn't go back from, and he was one of them too. And... there wasn't really anything else she wanted. So if this was the only way... Then...
Go ahead and break me.
There was another flash in her mind, of snapping teeth and the outrage of being trapped behind a cage of drooly teeth. Again the petulant whine to call the griffin off, followed by a sulky silence when she didn't comply. Then... as if finally sensing her own distress... A tentative concern.
It almost made her start crying all over again. But Maea bit it back and swallowed thickly. Leaned back, away from him, and wiped her face on the sleeves. Sniffling. Face a terrible mess.
Not the kind of pain you could hide.