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+---- Thread: the blood you bleed is just the blood you owe (/showthread.php?tid=2892)
RE: the blood you bleed is just the blood you owe - Sunjata - 03-01-2020
He expects her to scream at him, to fight back against it, to list out all the reasons why he isn’t making a mistake. But she doesn’t, and he even braces himself for the possibility of her shout, of her no, of her ‘how can you even say that?’ But there’s none of that either. A sad, thickly painful ‘okay’ is what he gets. And he’s not sure what to do with it.
He’d prepared for the ‘no’, that the stones he’s built in the walls of his facade slowly crumble, and his gaze is dark and heavy as she pulls away — distracted only by an annoyed presence in the back of his mind, of his griffin spitting out a ball of light and remaining nearby to try and herd it into the house. And all Sunjata can do is stare at her now, at the way she tries to clean her face, at the way he doesn’t make a move to try and remove her tears already drying and sticking to him.
The shark bite scars along his back begin to pang with pain, but the buzz in his mind from the alcohol and the revelations of this night are too strong for him to do much of anything about it. And all he can do is the opposite of what he wants to, to let her clean herself up, gaze flitting to the bruises on her skin that match the same to his own.
He’s not sure what to say to break the silence that crushes him, and so he doesn’t. He simply withdraws into himself, a hand running up to run through his hair and rest along the side of his face, a sigh leaving him as he rubs at his tense jaw.
RE: the blood you bleed is just the blood you owe - Maea - 03-01-2020
Was she supposed to fight him? Did he say he wanted to leave so she would tell him how it wouldn't solve anything, how much she loved him and wanted him to stay? Maea had already done that. Had already told him exactly how much she loved him, and instead of bringing him reassurance, it drove him away.
He said he still loved Lusea. That the only future he saw was with her, a woman long dead. That he needed time and space to figure things out... that it wasn't goodbye, not really, just... just a break, right? Or was she misunderstanding something?
Thing was, Maea didn't know the game of keep away, of chase, of catch and release. She relied on his honesty, that he said what he meant and meant what he said, and if being away from her would help him? If letting him leave would make him happier? Then... she loved him enough to let him go. And besides... she was still terrified of becoming a cage to him. To hold him trapped where he did not want to be.
Maea didn't know what to say either. The silence was crushing, his eyes so terribly difficult to read, his sigh heavy. Closed off. Distant, like they weren't sitting close enough for his breath to ghost her skin. There was a mounting headache pounding between her ears, pounding at the temples. Reaching up, she rubbed trembling fingers against them, tried to ease the pressure.
[say]"Sunjata... I-I - "[/say]
A ball of light interrupted her as it came zooming in from the open door, into the dilapidated kitchen. It sped towards Maea and darted in under her hair, pulsating in agitated hues of blue and white.
RE: the blood you bleed is just the blood you owe - Sunjata - 03-01-2020
He half expects it because it’s what everyone’s done. They hadn’t entirely taken him into account, and with his thoughts on the matter now clearly before him – that he was chasing a ghost time and time again – he realizes why none of it has worked. Because it wouldn’t, it would only drive him away, blind him to the fact that everyone knew him better than he knew himself.
But she doesn’t say it, doesn’t say any of it. Not as he rubs at his jaw, gaze looking anywhere but her as she remains – doesn’t get up to leave – and then she says his name in such a way that has him stilling. His eyes slide toward her, dark and haunted and shadowed all the same, and he can’t help the clench of his jaw when Shii darts beneath her air, agitated just as Haai was who crawls in and settles at his side – emerald eyes glimmering as she looks to Maea and Shii.
“[say]Yes?[/say]” He asks quietly, nearly a whisper that's hoarse and accented thickly, a muscle feathering in his jaw again, and he exhales slowly through his nose – focusing on her despite the swim to his mind, the haze to his eyes, the way the conversation had drifted from where it had been heading with such a steady accuracy that it was almost as if it was the end result anyway. Whether it be here or somewhere else – it feels like it would have happened either way.
He’s not sure if that makes it hurt more or less.
RE: the blood you bleed is just the blood you owe - Maea - 03-01-2020
The appearance of the companions distracted her, and it was only Sunjata's voice that brought her eyes back to him. So quiet. He looked as awful as she felt... and her hands ached from the need to reach for him. Touch him, say everything was going to be alright.
But... she didn't know if that was true. And Maea wasn't sure what she really wanted to say either. With the alcohol still there to loosen her tongue, it just... slipped out, all at the same time. Jumbled, out of order. Just her heart on the sleeve, like always.
[say]"I... just.. don't disappear, please? I'm not sure I could stand that. Not knowing where you are, if you're okay. I... will miss you. So much, but - "[/say] the tears were rolling down her cheeks again, but quieter now [say]" - but if you're sure this is what you need then... But I'll still care. And I'll still be there if - if you n-need anything, or just want to talk, so.. "[/say]
So please don't become a stranger again.
RE: the blood you bleed is just the blood you owe - Sunjata - 03-01-2020
Thank gods she’s the one that says it. Because he’s not sure that if he utters the words of still wanting to be around, to train her, to talk to her, if she might turn around and laugh at him for the audacity. Because he was here breaking her heart and claiming to want to be there to push the arrows in deeper. It’s not his intention, but deep down… deep down it’s what he wants.
Her voice picks up, spilling words out jumped and rushed as if she needs to get them out now because if she doesn’t, then she never will — and his gaze lingers on hers, hand slipping from his jaw to rest along his neck, covering one compass tattoo.
“[say]I won’t.[/say]” He promises her quietly, shifting along the floor to draw his knees up to his bare chest and give her his full attention. “[say]I’m still… moving to Torchline. I’ll be here. I’d…[/say]” He trails off somewhat uncertainly, jaw feathering with tension as he sighs quietly. “[say]If you still want to train… Or talk. I’m not far.[/say]” A quiet rumble, a vow. ’I’m there for you even if I’m not.’
And it’s true, he’d never be too far from her, even if it hurts them both. He doesn’t want to disappear, but also doesn’t want her hurt somewhere, one terrible decision away that she could have been prepared for.
RE: the blood you bleed is just the blood you owe - Maea - 03-01-2020
Oh gods, this was really happening. He turned to her, looked at her the way only he could. Like there was something worth seeing. But the words that spilled from his lips just drove the reality of this nightmare further home.
She was losing him. Like so much water slipping through her fingers, and no magic in the world could keep it from disappearing.
[say]"I'll... be in Halo,"[/say] she forced herself to say, before this liquid courage lost effect and the pain set in again. Shii was quiet and still on her shoulder, listening. Watching, for once very free of selfishness. [say]"Without you... If-if you're not in the Grounds, there's... nothing left for me there. I... I do want to train... and.. and all the rest..."[/say] Her voice grew softer, seemed about to disappear entirely. Their plans were so very vivid in her mind, and it was so hard not to beg him to stay.
But that was the thing, wasn't it. [say]"If you're not with me.. because you want to be... there's no point."[/say]
She realized she'd said it aloud, and clapped her hand over the mouth. That... wasn't meant to be said. But too late.
At least he would know why she wouldn't beg.
RE: the blood you bleed is just the blood you owe - Sunjata - 03-01-2020
He should have expected she’d stay in Halo. That the warmth and sunshine of Torchline might be too much after this, but still a part of it surprises him and hurts somewhere deep down. That she won’t wander around here, that he won’t find her back at the VlamVloed for whenever he deigns to visit. He supposes it’s a good thing he’s still making that bar in Halo, isn’t it? A reason to visit, aside from her, especially if he’s the one asking for the space, for the time to figure things out.
“[say]I can visit.[/say]” He tells her quietly, even if it pangs in his chest to go there – that so many terrible, stupid things had happened in that ice cold wasteland. But when she speaks next, his gaze lingers on her face with all the same tension, the same sorrow, the same… Well, everything. She covers her mouth, trying to keep her words inside, and he just quietly stares at her.
It’s not that he doesn’t want it, he does. It’s just… That the problem is that he can’t quite figure it out for himself that Lusea’s not coming back, and at this point it’s like beating an already dead thing. Perhaps she’s right, that there is no point. But that’s not how he meant it.
He tears his gaze away from her, dark and shadowed and quiet for a long while, enough that Haai starts to whine softly in the quiet. “[say]I do want to be with you, Maea.[/say]” His voice is gravelly and hoarse and gods it hurts. “[say]I do. But I just…[/say]” He shakes his head, breaking him out of the spell, and he unfolds his legs to stand – his scarred and tattooed back facing her as he stands to reach for the rest of his bottle on the table – to down the rest.
“[say]There’s a point for it to me even if there isn't for you.[/say]” He offers quietly – wanting her to have every option and every ability at her disposal, to not be caught unaware, to not get killed like everyone else he knew did. "[say]It's fine though, if you don't want that. I get it. I do.[/say]"
RE: the blood you bleed is just the blood you owe - Maea - 03-01-2020
Wrong thing to say, fishboy. Maea's gaze snapped up, wide and startled, because he clearly interpreted her words the entirely wrong way.
[say]"There is a point for me, Sunjata. You're the point, the whole point! But you just said you want space to think, and if I beg you to stay with me because of things we promised yesterday, I'll just become a shackle. A cage, something to keep you from doing what you want."[/say]
Pushing herself up from the floor, Maea followed him to the table - because she needed the support to remain standing - and tried to catch his gaze. Her face was streaked with tears, eyes red and puffy, but there was still that persistent determination in her... come to think of it, it was mostly Loren that had brought on that side of her. The one refusing to back down. Shii drifted off her, floating down to hover beside Haai. Seeking comfort from all this strange unknown in the little griffin.
[say]"That's what I don't want. To become another Phoebe you have to run from, another rope around your neck. I love you, and I want to be with you, but if you're thinking of someone else when you're with me, then it's not really me you're with. And you won't be happy, because I am not Lusea. I never will be. I'm me, and... and I'm willing to wait for however long if you need time. But I won't ask you to stay if it hurts you. I never want to hurt you."[/say]
But clearly she was, somehow. She could see it on his face, hear it in the way he spoke... And she didn't know why. Except... for not being someone else?
RE: the blood you bleed is just the blood you owe - Sunjata - 03-01-2020
Oh, and he had misinterpreted them. It’s not surprising, considering how hazy his mind is, how personal he’s taking everything when it was him that had started it. It was him that wasn’t entirely right in the head. So he listens to her words, even if it feels like a punch for each and everything he’d promised, a retraction, that he didn’t think they were moving too fast when they had been. How freely he had offered his feelings, his love, without realizing what the implications of that would be.
His head hangs a bit lower between his shoulders – sighing heavily. “[say]It took me two years last time before I got over her, before I came over here.[/say]” He says softly – because it’s also not what she wants to hear. “[say]And then one day she was back. It's like... I think if I try to settle again she'll be there again. She'll come back, tell me how stupid I've been, remind me of how things were and who I used to be, the things I came from and got over.[/say]” Obviously, it was confusing and hurtful and a part of him still wanted to know where it was fair for Caido to dangle it in front of him. Here’s the best part of your life, the best part you’ll ever have, and watch me take it away again.
Perhaps part of him is afraid she’ll return for a third time, see what he’s done here and be thoroughly disappointed, that hidden ghost haunting his thoughts. Perhaps… Perhaps she’d be right to berate him for it. Or perhaps she’s simply watching from Mort’s realm thinking that very same thing, and the moment he dies will be the moment he’s reunited with her. But even that thought hurts deep within.
Haai curls up on the floor, offering a space beneath her wing for the will-o-wisp, keeping the other companion near and sheltered, a gesture rarely given to anyone. And all that time Sunjata focuses on her, physically wincing when she mentions Phoebe’s name. “[say]You’re not.[/say]” He says quietly. “[say]You’re not another Phoebe, Maea. You’ve never made me feel like I had to give up everything to make you happy.[/say]” Because at the end of the day that’s all he wanted, that’s all he knew how to do. To make others happy at the expense of him.
And now with the alcohol in his system, it’s clear that his happiness does mean something to him. And when uttered, causes hurt. He finally finds her gaze, his own that very same shadowed steel, brick by brick of a mask hidden away as much as he doesn’t want to for her. “[say]I want you to be safe and if… If you’re with me, you won’t be. Not if I can’t figure my shit out, not if I can’t be better for you.[/say]” A quiet admission, the honesty lingering with every accented word.
He tears his gaze from her to look at the grains within the dusty table, fingers curling and shifting to claws that poke through the wood. “[say]Gods ek is 'n gemors.[/say]”
Gods ek is 'n gemors. - Gods i'm a mess
RE: the blood you bleed is just the blood you owe - Maea - 03-01-2020
There were many things Maea didn't want to hear, or see, or do. But her will wasn't the end all, be all in this world, was it? She wasn't a god, couldn't shape it to her liking, nor could she remain the child that covered her ears with hands and screamed to make hateful things go away.
[say]"It might,"[/say] she agreed, very plainly through her tears. [say]"Or you might never stop looking for her, thinking of her, loving her. Gods know, I won't be able to forget you, and we've only had a season. If I think of losing you... I wouldn't want anyone else either. But then, what do we do? You love her, and you love me, and I love you... Where does that leave us?"[/say]
Tired, head pounding, the pushed herself up to sit on the table. Feet dangling, too short to reach the floor. Her heart was not made for this. Was he staying, leaving, did he want her or be free from her, or...?
[say]"Do you really think I would be safer away from you?"[/say] she asked. [say]"Out of your sight, where you can't see me, hear me, even try to help, if I wound up needing it? Caido is a dangerous place, yes, you're right. But you're not making it more so, love. You're not the one who killed Lusea. Halo did, all on its own. You did not murder Peter or Adam. The dragon did. It was a mistake to underestimste the danger, yes, but.. did anyone try to stop you? Tell you it was a foolish idea? As I recall, Amalia wasn't the only one asking you to spare the dragon's life. I did too. If you'd gone in there prepared to fight... Don't you think things would have turned out very differently?"[/say]
She reached out a hand, to try and put ut over one of his clawed ones, tentative. Like she was reaching across some terrible expanse, and might not be welcome.
[say]"If I'd been with anyone else when the sharks attacked, I would probably have died. If you hadn't taught me how to use the bow, I would have gone after the Cloud Manta with a pocket knife and some magic, and probably not even bothered with backup. I would have gone to Halo on my own with no Advocates at my back to help if things go wrong... and I'm learning to master my magic because you assured me it was not a flaw in my nature, but a strength. You've only made me stronger since I met you, Sunjata Senzaok... do you want me to continue telling you in what other ways?"[/say]
Maea kept her tone quiet and consistent, lining up the facts like so many notes. Clear, consistent, with dry realism, not trying to sugarcoat anything. Or glorify him, because she didn't need to. He wasn't half as terrible as he thought. Just a broken boy forced to wear the mask of a man, pushed off a cliff to face a flood before taught how to swim.
RE: the blood you bleed is just the blood you owe - Sunjata - 03-01-2020
Oh it isn’t entirely the right thing to say, and his muscle feathers when he finally looks to her. “[say]I can stop looking for her. I did before. But to stop loving her Maea? That I can’t do.[/say]” Truth lingering in the steel of his eyes. “[say]But that doesn’t mean I won’t get to love you the same, either.[/say]” Because he could… it was just that his love for Lusea would never leave. And that was something that Maea would have to get used to, have to realize.
She pushes herself up onto the table and his head lifts enough to look at her again, to follow her line of sight. So many of his tears already shed that all that’s left is the stone exterior, a dam dried up. But her reasons are sound, and he understands that it wasn’t him that dealt the killing blows — but what if he’d driven her away to Halo? What if he hadn’t asked Adam and Peter to come? What if? What if?
Her hand reaches out to clasp his clawed ones, and he digs the points into the wood to not harm her, muscles in his hands twitching with the touch as he looks back down to the table, breaking her gaze, crumbling further internally.
He doesn’t take praise well, doesn’t take the good attributes of himself well. For so long he’d only heard the bad, only heard the things Korofi and his father wanted him to hear. Wanted him to embrace. They were pegs even used in the resistance, of how they could change him to suit their agenda when their agenda had been his life years before he’d even met them.
He reaches up with a free hand to run through his hair, biting down on his lower lip for a distraction, hard enough that the points to his fangs prick the skin and a small amount of blood bubbles to the surface. “[say]I don’t want to keep living in that fear. I don’t want to keep sitting there thinking what if. And if I’m there with you? I’ll smother you. I’ll take it all on me and you can’t learn like that.[/say]” He lifts his gaze to meet hers again.
“[say]I’m controlling and when things get out of hand, I take it on me because I orchestrated it. Either purposefully or not. What if she’d gone to Halo because of what I did with Phoebe? What if I hadn’t gone for a dragon, would they still be alive?[/say]” What if? “[say]Of course I want you safe. But you’re there with Zariah, and if she doesn’t already know about Peter yet then she will, and she’ll come for me. And you, Maea, are a perfect way to get to me. So I can’t, I can’t be there.[/say]” Even if he wants to be, because it puts her in danger.
RE: the blood you bleed is just the blood you owe - Maea - 03-01-2020
[say]"I know that,"[/say] she whispered hoarsely. [say]"I never expected you to... The ones we love never really leave us, as long as we remember them. They're part of us, who we are."[/say] She ran her free hand over her face, pawing away tears. Her eyes looked hollow, gaunt... haunted by her own dead. It was easy to forget that she had lost everything too. Maea rarely talked about them.
He let her take his hand, but didn't reciprocate the gesture, and it hurt her. As much as hearing how he reasoned his way closer and closer to an ending so permanent it could not be undone.
[say]"Did you ever wonder, how all my family could pass away, while I was spared? It's because I wasn't with them, that LongNight. I was at the Rathskeller. Safe, with a full belly. Meeting friends and seeing the Spark Bird... while they fought for their lives, and ran, and died."[/say] Maea turned her head to look at him. Guilt black in her eyes. [say]"If I had been there... I could have done something. I could have helped them. At least, I could have died with them. Like I should. And yet... I'm sitting here, and I can't help but wonder if I would have met you if they were still alive. If I would still be here today. And... and I can't feel sorry about it. I can't. If I could go back, knowing what would come... I wouldn't change a thing.
"Terrible, aren't I? You shouldn't be worrying about protecting someone like me. There's probably nothing I wouldn't do. Nothing I wouldn't say, or promise... Ludo save me, it scares me to think of the things I would do for you."[/say]
Abandon pride, abandon hope, turn her back on the light and walk straight into the black abyss, eyes wide open. Stain her hands red, her heart black, cry until her eyes bled... and still she would love him. And maybe that should terrify him.
[say]"All I'm saying is... that if you have to leave for your sake, to be truly happy... then I will let you go. Because I want that for you. Even if it's not with me. But... if you're going because you're trying to protect me from yourself... then.. please stop. I don't need that. I might not have chosen to fall in love with you, but I did choose to stay with you. You gave me every chance to leave, and I still chose you. And I'll keep choosing you. Because I don't care if it's dangerous or if it might hurt.... to me, you're worth every risk."[/say]
She shrugged. A helpless little twitch of the shoulders, that dislodged her hand from his, unless he held on to it.
[say]"I guess... this is your time to choose. If you think what we have is worth the fight. I might die tomorrow. Or I could wake up fifty years from now, to see that you've gone before me. Death... is the only certain thing. Only question is what to do with life until it ends."[/say]
And maybe that was why she loved death's herold, why she was not afraid of the dark. It was the only constant in a changing world.
RE: the blood you bleed is just the blood you owe - Sunjata - 03-01-2020
He supposes it’s different, to have a family you love and that loved you in return — aside from her father. For him? He had Saar and his mother, and the family that was the resistance. He didn’t have a bigger family… Not biologically. Even the man Saar was to marry had been the one that had revealed the location for Lusea and his capture precisely to get to his sister. So he doesn’t really understand the deeper feelings, the deeper meanings. And when she tells him that she wouldn’t change a thing about what happened, his gaze slips up to her.
Because he would have changed everything if it had meant a different outcome. And when he meets her guilt ridden gaze, he can’t help but to yearn for her, to understand that it was a choice they had made to not join her there — perhaps a revelation, if not still quite a bit painful. So when she continues, his hand shifts back to his fingers, turning to clutch her hand.
She tells him he’s worth every risk, and his gaze shudders slightly, body moving to stand before her and try to pull her close because he’s needy and touchy, and even if this isn’t how they should be doing it, he wants to hold her near as much as he can for as long as he can. A hand reaches up to wipe away her tears, to drag his fingers through her pale hair, a weak and small smile crossing his face of his lips smeared with a small amount of blood. “[say]I’d say it makes us foolish.[/say]” Perhaps her more than him, to stay and embrace the monsters they’d both become, to fall into the darkness again and again.
But now? Now he has to make a choice — and he never feels like he makes the correct ones. He seeks her gaze out, his own dark and shadowed, searching the greys and lavender. He knows she’s not going to like what he has to say, but he still needs time. “[say]Stay with me… The rest of the day. And then give me the time I need to get myself together.[/say]” There’s a look that crosses his face, a question — please?
RE: the blood you bleed is just the blood you owe - Maea - 03-01-2020
He took her hand before it could fall, and it gave her impossible hope. That hope swelled when he reached for her, touched her, pulled her in close; and she couldn't resist him. Never could, didn't know how, and didn't want to.
[say]"You're probably right,"[/say] Maea agreed. She was a fool, and he was too, and that was okay. Love made fools of everyone, it was just the price to pay.
Maea's arms came up and wrapped tightly around his neck, her eyes terribly sad and soft and relieved at the same time, when she looked back at him. Because he was still leaving her... but there was a door left open. A chance, a sliver of hope, a maybe that she clung to, as desperately as she clung to him.
He asked her to stay, if only a little longer... and she only had one reply to that, as he brushed tears from her cheeks and touched her hair, the way she loved so much.
[say]"Always."[/say] And she leaned in, to kiss his bloodstained lips. Fingers threading into his hair. Accepting the bargain, one sided as it was. Painful as it was... because she didn't know if this was the last time. Maybe he would come back to her, maybe this was the end of them.
Only time would tell. But.. at least he wasn't running. This didn't feel like a man running for the hills, more... a tactical retreat, to regroup and get the bearings straight. A technical timeout, if you will.
Maea thought she could live with that.