Court of the Fallen
wherever this leaves us - Printable Version

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wherever this leaves us - Ronin - 05-15-2020

Ronin didn't want to be here, and he had forced himself, step by step, to get to the top of the lighthouse. Something about it no longer felt right. Partly it was that he didn't think he deserved to be there, with how his heard roiled and battled in its feelings about Safrin. But partly he didn't think she deserved him there, either - and it was ego, and he knew it, but knowing it alone did not make it go away.

Still, the Dark Star knew his place and he knew his goddess, and so he came and placed his offering - a marvellous sketch of the goddess in her brilliance, made for Seren originally to remind her of her mother - at the foot of her altar. [say]"I don't expect you to want to see me,"[/say] he said softly. [say]"But before I go to the Hollowed Ground, for Longnight... please, keep them safe. Remi and Seren, while I'm gone. Even if the gods aren't able to do anything during Longnight. Even if the stars don't shine then. Please keep them safe."[/say]


RE: wherever this leaves us - Safrin - 05-15-2020

[say]"Is that what you think, Ronin? That I wouldn't want to see you?"[/say]

Her voice was soft and unremarkable. Appearing in one of the deep windowsills that opened onto the ocean, Safrin leaned against the frame with one leg drawn up to her chest and the other dangling below. In a plain white dress, her hair tumbling in waves down her back, Safrin looked...entirely human, but not in the way she'd once been with Ronin. Not in a sensual way, or a way which invited his touch. This was mortal in that she lacked her starbrite aura, in that she seemed small and wounded, and perhaps, for once, uncertain.

Glancing over her shoulder, her gaze dark and unreadable, her lips marginally moved into a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. Seeming as if she very much wanted to go to him as she normally would, to ruffle his hair and take his face in her palms, instead she merely let her gaze linger, before looking back out to the sea.

[say]"You know that during the darkness I cannot be here. But I will do what I can."[/say]


RE: wherever this leaves us - Ronin - 05-15-2020

[say]"Based on our previous conversation, I didn't think you would,"[/say] he said quietly, his gaze easily finding the goddess, breathtaking even in her melancholy as she gazed out at the ocean. Ronin was not so full of vitriol as he thought he would be, seeing her, but something in him still twisted painfully, some hurt that had not yet healed. [say]"Especially given that you can read my thoughts, and know what I think about everything that happened..."[/say] His brow furrowed and he looked away.

But however thorny and difficult their relationship at present, he still couldn't help the relief that coursed through him, knowing she would watch over those he loved most as best she could. [say]"Thank you,"[/say] he said.


RE: wherever this leaves us - Safrin - 05-15-2020

[say]"I do indeed know everything you think about it, that's true."[/say] Safrin acknowledged, the weight of that ability like a rock against her chest, crushing her and making difficult every breath. She did temper that against the words he chose to say on the subject of certain things, knowing that thoughts and feelings couldn't always be helped. It didn't make them any less hurtful, of course.  [say]"But the same cannot be said for you I suppose, so yes Ronin, I will always want to see you."[/say] Rather than looking at him as she would have liked to have done, with eyes sorrowful and lips parted with apology, instead she simply stared at the sea, feeling alone in his presence.

[say]"Seren is my daughter. No harm shall befall her during LongNight. As for Remi...well. We both know there is now another looking after him."[/say] She murmured softly.


RE: wherever this leaves us - Ronin - 05-15-2020

Her words surprised him, and it showed visibly in his expression as he continued to watch her watch the waves, Ronin swallowing hard. [say]"Why, though?"[/say] he asked. [say]"I mean... I wouldn't want to see me, with the thoughts going through my head."[/say] Rubbing at the back of his neck, he let out a heavy sigh and listened as she continued regarding his husband and his - their - daughter.

[say]"Someone else might be looking after him, but I do not serve them. I serve you,"[/say] he said, the words true enough even if they made him sad to say them. [say]"And I have no intention of going to Ludo to ask if it would keep Remi safe."[/say]


RE: wherever this leaves us - Safrin - 05-15-2020

She turned at that, not surprised exactly, but something close to it. Blinking slowly, her dark eyes moved softly from his eyes and then lower; not looking at anything exactly, but merely taking him in. [say]'Because I love you, Ronin."[/say] Safrin replied, her tone that of an after-thought as she turned back towards the sea. Not unlike what Ronin was about to feel, the words made Safrin sad, even though they were true.

[say]"After LongNight...I will release you from me, if it's what you choose."[/say] She said eventually, turning slightly. Not towards him, but away from the sea, leaving her silhouette moon-carved in the candlelight of the lighthouse. [say]"I ask only that you hear my thoughts, as I have heard yours."[/say] Her voice seemed infinitely sad then, utterly defeated and lost. A mistake made perhaps, but in the grander scheme of that which Ronin couldn't possibly understand. She'd not apologize, her semi-omnipotent forethought prevented that, but such was the burden of the power she wielded.


RE: wherever this leaves us - Ronin - 05-15-2020

Ronin did not know what to say to that. His emotions were stormy at best, warring between guilt and sadness and disbelief, though he knew her words to be true. Or at least he wanted them to be, wanted it enough that it made the rest of what she had to say infinitely more difficult to hear. [say]"Safrin, I..."[/say] I shouldn't have said that? I didn't mean it? I never want to see you again? If only he knew what he wanted to articulate himself.

[say]"Of course,"[/say] he murmured eventually, nodding to his goddess. [say]"Of course I will. I... I have questions, now, that I couldn't say back then. But I imagine the answers lie in whatever you want to say to me."[/say]


RE: wherever this leaves us - Safrin - 05-15-2020

Softly she shook her head; her words hadn't been an invitation, just an explanation. He didn't love her, not the way he once had. Now his feelings were blurred by responsibility and the ineffable burden of being a mortal man in the presence of a goddess. Tear drops coated her long lashes, hung like stardew in the spiderweb darkness. Blinking, a single tear fell, splashing in crystal clarity, illuminated by the moonlight.

[say]"Perhaps."[/say] She agreed with soft indifference, her voice hardly more than a whisper.

Turning, both legs together now, her arms almost protectively against her sides making her appear as small as possible, Safrin merely regarded her Star for a long and silent moment. [say]"Remi and Seren are in no danger here."[/say] She confirmed again for him before her eyes flickered towards the door, knowing that now that he'd made his requests and had his answers, he was likely to want to leave her as quickly as possible.


RE: wherever this leaves us - Ronin - 05-15-2020

His feet did want to take him to the door, it was true. And no, he did not love her as he once had. In fact his feelings had strayed towards a dark and terrible end of that spectrum between love and hate recently, before slingshotting back and complicating things further. Because how could he not love Safrin, when he looked at Seren? How could he come close to hating the mother of a child he had never thought he would know?

But it didn't stop the hurt inside him from demanding answers. Ronin drew a deep, shaking breath and tried to keep his gaze on her lovely face, difficult as it was to see her small and broken. [say]"Why did you do it?"[/say] he asked softly. [say]"After Aoife... after losing her... You know me, Safrin. You know how much it hurt, so why...? To replace her?"[/say]


RE: wherever this leaves us - Safrin - 05-15-2020

Safrin tried to smile, but that only made her sheen of tears deepen. It took a few long moments for her to compose herself that she might speak, and when she did, her voice nonetheless crackled with sorrow and love.

[say]"There are certain things in this world that must be. A child of mine was...necessary, in some sense. It had nothing to do with Aoife."[/say] Rather than wiping her tears away or continuing to curl inwards, Safrin let herself slip from the ledge to stand on her own. If he wanted answers, he would have them, and she'd not hide from what she'd done or how.

[say]"But it didn't have to be you, Ronin. If there is anything for me to apologize for...it's picking you, despite that. Because yes, I knew it would hurt."[/say] She admitted. Despite the softness of her voice, the way her cheeks bloomed with coral roses, Safrin met his gaze as evenly as she could.

[say]"It shouldn't have happened the way it did...without your full understanding. But in all the possible ways in which you might have replied had I asked you...in too many of those worlds you said no, and I..."[/say] Taking a step forward with the poise of a dancer, her feet silent on the stone, she looked as if she might hold out a hand towards him, before falling still again. [say]"..it had to be you, Ronin. So I made sure it was."[/say]

There simply was no sympathetic way of telling someone that you'd grown so attached to them, that you'd take away their ability to do anything but comply with your need. No retelling that might make Safrin out to be anything other than a controlling manipulator. [say]'I am not a mortal, Ronin. I do not...love, the way you do. Do not face consequences the way you do, and sometimes I ... I forget.."[/say]


RE: wherever this leaves us - Ronin - 05-15-2020

It was strange, in some ways, to find it relieving to hear her say it was nothing to do with Aoife. To know that Seren's existence was in no way linked to his firstborn, to a budding life that had not been given a chance to properly bloom... it meant that he could - at last - relax in the knowledge that his second daughter had no boots to fill, no legacy to uphold. Ronin watched as Safrin slid down from her window sill, moving with all the grace of something fae or celestial, and he had to stop himself from staring even now.

His lips parted to speak, to ask further questions - It didn't have to be me, and yet it did? How do you know I would have said no? Why didn't I get a choice? - but the words caught behind his tongue, and he found himself turning away from the door to face her properly, his cheeks colouring. [say]"I have never been so angry,"[/say] he confessed. [say]"Or so low. I wanted to die,"[/say] he said, knowing she already knew as much, but needing to hear the words himself.

But for all of her love and forgetfulness, for all of his despair and grief... there was still Seren. [say]"She is brilliant, you know,"[/say] he said quietly.


RE: wherever this leaves us - Safrin - 05-15-2020

[say]"There are few in the world like you, Ronin. I have lived through enough seasons of men to know well the truth of that."[/say] Moonlight captured the bits of dust that softly settled through the air, swirling before them both as they spoke and breathed. [say]"You've had said no because of your husband...because of the recent loss of Seren. Said no for fear of what it would mean or be like, of whether or not you might go mad having had me once for real."[/say] She sighed. [say]"Having it retain the qualities of a dream was meant to be...as much of a kindness, as it was a trick."[/say] She flinched at her own words, eyelashes fluttering.

His words coaxed a beautiful smile from her, and Safrin had to bite down on the laughter that wanted to leave her lips. [say]"Of course she is."[/say] She agreed, taking another small step forward. [say]"Because she is a part of you."[/say]


RE: wherever this leaves us - Ronin - 05-15-2020

There were men who would have preened for this, Ronin had no doubt. Men who would have loved to be deemed like no other, given such a status by the goddess of the stars herself. But Ronin felt little more than uncomfortable under the scrutiny, a bashful smile making its way across his lips as he glanced away from her at last, unable to look her in the eye and hear all of this. Similarly, he imagined there were those who would feel righteous anger at hearing Safrin admit that what they had done together and why had been a trick. A manipulation. A means to an end.

But he only felt relief, as if someone was showing him reality and he could start to live with it, finally. The truth of her words brought them closer than all of the silken threats she had delivered previously, and as she stepped forward again Ronin gazed upon her once more. [say]"Well, I didn't go mad,"[/say] he said, like it was a small victory. [say]"Only almost mad."[/say] And not for having her, exactly, but for everything that came afterwards.

[say]"That isn't what makes her brilliant,"[/say] he said, wrinkling his nose. [say]"She does that all on her own. But then perhaps I am biased."[/say]


RE: wherever this leaves us - Safrin - 05-15-2020

He looked away and so was unable to see how the blossoms of colour on her cheeks turned from coral to crimson. As with most things, it was words unsaid and gazes removed that could hurt more than screams or glares.

[say]"Mmm. Almost mad."[/say] She repeated. [say]"But you didn't think it was real, in the moment."[/say] Safrin interjected. In another time and place, she might have pressed herself against him offering the chance to test his strength and see if he would go fully mad, if he had all of her properly. She didn't of course, for the embers of such a future had long gone cold.

[say]"She does much of it on her own, yes. Seren isn't reducible down to just you or I, nor will she ever be. But...and it is on this basis alone that I would release you, in full recognition of what I did, but Ronin there are things you don't understand, and perhaps if you did, you'd see the need for Seren. Perhaps you'd know why it needed to be you. You'd know why I couldn't take the chance of asking you, only to be turned down."[/say]

Because then I would have had to force you, rather than just mislead you. Her dark eyes said as a chilled sea-breeze rushed through the room.