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+---- Thread: swimming in the murky water (/showthread.php?tid=3689)
swimming in the murky water - Sunjata - 06-17-2020
He’s fucked up. Coming home with a split lip and probably a black eye, though it could’ve been worse. He hadn’t wanted to tell Nate about what happened with Zeph, but as evidenced by the bruises forming on his body and the tinge of iron on his tongue and washing his mouth, he won’t be that lucky. He debates not going home for awhile, but even that seems too suspicious, especially when tonight’s the start of LongNight( when darkness reigns.
So he trudges home, faces the music so to speak. Haai’s inside, wherever Nate is, though as Sunjata enters the doorway he doesn’t see his lover, his moon. Perhaps that’s for the best. And so he doesn’t announce his presence, sure Nate will find out regardless. He makes his way to the kitchen, pulling a glass out and setting it on the table in the center, grabbing a bottle of whiskey and pouring a shot of it just to down immediately before filling it up again.
A hand reaches up to rub at his face, the space that’s not painful, and he tries to figure out where the fuck to even start.
RE: swimming in the murky water - Nate - 06-17-2020
The house, when he was alone, didn't feel right. There was an oppressiveness to it's empty rooms, a void that bogged down on Nate until it seeped into his head, the way the mist off the ocean invaded the house early in the morning. Sunjata's been gone a while now.
Too long, a little voice whisper's in Nate's head, as the bedroom begins to grow dark around him, deepening into the beginning of Longnight. It's that thought that spurs him to motion, rising up out of the bed, almost silent feet taking him downstairs. He doesn't want to disturb the quiet in the house, winces as Haai rises after him, far less careful about how loud she is.
Nate pauses, when he reaches the door of the kitchen, the griffin padding along ahead of him. He hadn't heard Sunjata come in. Hadn't known he was home. When becomes secondary to what almost immediately, the fading light of the kitchen not affecting his sight, keen enough to see the shapes of bruises even with the distance between them.
Not again.
There is no more concern for quiet as Nate steps forward, the table still between them. A keen, one eyed gaze moves over the attuned, looking for any more damage, anything more worrying than the initial marks. When he doesn't see anything obvious, the blue eye falls away from Sunjata, and a heavy sigh pulls out of the ascended, his shoulders slumping. [say]"What happened?"[/say] There is no emotion in his voice, nothing more than a tired resignation, the edges of his nerves too damaged to be frayed by this latest stumble.
RE: swimming in the murky water - Sunjata - 06-17-2020
The earring helps brace the fact that Nate’s approaching, on the heels of Haai who’s quietly given him a mental forewarning. And he rubs at his temple, lifts the now somewhat full glass to his lips as he tries to drown out the shit he has to say, has to explain.
Hey, remember when I promised I wouldn’t go looking for the bitch that attacked you? Well I did, got into more shit too…
He stays silent until Nate’s on the other side of the table, though his gaze doesn’t lift to meet his lover, unsure whether or not with his unsteady state of mind if this will be the last fuck up he gets to make. But he sets the glass down, hears the quiet and emotionless question as it reaches the air, and he clenches his jaw slightly with what feels like shame in a sense.
“[say]I fucked up.[/say]” He says quietly, his accent thicker. “[say]There… Was a crowd on the port and I got involved.[/say]” There’s a heavy sigh that leaves him as he debates what to say but ends up being honest about it regardless because it’s all he knows how to do in these situations. “[say]I pulled out the dagger and Zeph walked into me and fucked himself up. Jack took it as an attack and wanted to teach me a lesson about getting involved with his shit.[/say]” Only then does Sunjata look up to Nate. Only then, with a glimmer of frustration, shame, sorrow, and fear lingering in the depths of stormy grey eyes.
RE: swimming in the murky water - Nate - 06-17-2020
Sunjata doesn't meet his gaze, while it roams over him. Doesn't look up. That has Nate's insides sinking even further, tells him that it's so much worse than what he's seeing. He falls utterly still, as the attuned begins explaining, every bit of his focus hanging onto the words being offered out to him, though Nate can't make sense out of what he's being told. There's just enough missing, enough left out, that he can't quite piece together the beginning, and it ruins the rest of it. For the first time since the attack, he feels something flicker in him that isn't numbed, isn't pressed through the fog. Frustration.
Nate doesn't respond right away, doesn't move at all. His gaze is still focused away, out the window behind the other man, staring blankly outside while he tries to choose his words carefully, tries to not feed this new, dangerous feeling flame inside of him. By the time he does move, his one good eye flicking back to Sunjata, looking without actually seeing, it's gotten darker in the kitchen, all of Nate except the stark white of the bandage thrown into shadow. [say]"I don't understand... what exactly did you do?"[/say] It's clear, if you know how to listen for it, that the calm in his voice now is a facade, a cover for something, though even Nate isn't completely sure what. He supposes it depends on what the actual answer is.
RE: swimming in the murky water - Sunjata - 06-17-2020
Yeah, it gets worse. It burns within him and he’s not sure where the burning of the alcohol begins and the burning of his frustration ends – perhaps they’re the same, taking turns in his gut of shame and worry. But he tries to get the point across, avoiding looking at Nate for as long as he can. Prolonging the look he fears he might see within that bright blue eye, beneath the bandage that sits tied to his head.
He reaches for the glass again and takes a deeper drink before setting it down and takes a step back to where his hip hits the counter-top behind him. Nate’s completely cast in shadow now, and he contemplates shifting into the panther sight in order to see better, but any attempt causes a sharp edge of pain when his face goes to shift. The dark is probably better, anyway. Probably where he doesn’t have to see Nate’s reaction.
The stone in his gut sinks lower when he hears Nate’s voice and he takes a deep breath, slow and steady as if it might calm him even though he knows it won’t. “[say]I tried to break up the fight.[/say]” He explains, voice low and quiet as he can. “[say]Zeph got hit with the blade.[/say]” Another pause as he tries to gather whether Nate’s understanding it. “[say]He wouldn’t let me help him, I think he’s with Sam now. I… He walked into me as I moved my arm down.[/say]” He shrinks away as he tries to stumble over his thoughts. “[say]...I cut his face.[/say]”
RE: swimming in the murky water - Nate - 06-17-2020
[say]"There was a fight?"[/say] There is no longer even an attempt to keep an edge out of his voice, Nate's words surprisingly clear, surprisingly concise. Anger is a focus like no other, is easy to grip onto. [say]"I thought it was just a crowd."[/say] It's a plus, to know Sunjata hadn't been simply brandishing his dagger in a crowd doing nothing, but the relief is mere drop in the bucket compared to what now almost consumes Nate, all that emptiness inside of him consumed, paper and dry wood for the little bit of flickering he'd let in.
It only grows, roars higher into a conflagration that Nate really has no control over. Every word out of Sunjata's mouth is another piece of kindling, a log, a cup of gasoline. [say]"What,"[/say] the first word comes out dangerously softly, though Nate's voice grows, a hiss, an accusation, [say]"were you thinking?"[/say] One of his hands comes up to push through his hair, heedless of the bandage, just so he has an excuse to not ball his hands into fists.
He shouldn't say anything more. He shouldn't do this. He should keep his mouth closed, should hold his tongue.
[say]"Have you listened to anything I've said? A single thing? Be safe. Be careful. Don't poke what happened."[/say] Every word grows louder, never quite dipping into the territory of yelling, but edging against it. [say]"Is this what you do every time you leave? Poke hornets nests, get into shit, because, what? I'm here to fix your shit every time you walk through that door? Because I put you back together, just so you can fucking go and rip yourself apart again?"[/say] He's glad for the darkness, glad for the shadows that shroud his face, because as steady as his voice is, he can't stop the tear that slips down his cheek, the undercurrent of pain, beneath his blow up.
RE: swimming in the murky water - Sunjata - 06-17-2020
Technically, there was the end of a fight, because of Zephyr but Sunjata’s not about to get into the technicalities of it when the edge of Nate’s voice reaches him. “[say]A crowd around a fight.[/say]” He explains, working at his jaw despite the feeling of it swelling slowly. But of course, he continues, his honesty getting the best of him in this situation when he should’ve let Nate know ahead of time, shouldn’t have gotten involved – but…
It was his job to, wasn’t it? To keep Torchline safe?
His gaze drops from Nate’s shadowed figure to stare at the wall, to the entrance to the living room behind him, anywhere but him. “[say]I wasn’t.[/say]” He says quietly – and he hadn’t been. He was tired, saw a crowd, and it just… It just happened. But that’s how all of these things happened, wasn’t it? All the shit that he’d gotten into? Everyone he’s gotten killed because of stupid choices he has made?
He’s half tempted to drown himself in this own self misery, but he doesn’t. Because Nate’s own fire sparks and ignites against the alcohol and the accusations within him and his gaze shoots back to Nate with an intensity that’s lost in the darkness as LongNight sets in. “[say]I have listened, Nate. I wasn’t intentionally poking around. What was I supposed to do? Ignore it?[/say]” He bites his tongue as soon as Nate’s continuing – a completely irrational anger overtaking him as his hands clench against the countertop that he braces them against.
And he shakes his head, a mirthless laugh leaving him. “[say]Really?[/say]” He asks, though it’s more in disbelief. “[say]Really?[/say]” And that’s where the frustration and anger sparks further, a wildfire within him sparking and branching from Nate’s dry timber and Sunjata’s fuel. “[say]I’ve never asked for you to fix my shit. I’ve never asked for you to put me together. You wanted to. You wanted this.[/say]” You wanted me, with the shit and pieces and all of that. It should have been expected, even Sunjata knows that much.
RE: swimming in the murky water - Nate - 06-17-2020
[say]"You didn't say anything about a fight at first."[/say] Nate points out, wanting to burn and rage at everything now, wanting to let go of the control he so carefully maintained. It's just enough to keep from pressing at the small, stupid things, just enough to hold his tongue. It doesn't last, it can't, but even Nate doesn't expect how quickly he'll drop the reins. I wasn't. No fucking shit. [say]"I am well aware that you didn't think."[/say] He spits, the hand in his hair moving to rub across his face, before falling away completely.
In moments like this, everything is a challenge, everything is something to rage against, and with the way Sunjata ignites, it's a war of attrition. Who will burn out first. Who will crumble first? Or will they burn each other out completely, leaving behind a ruined husk, the shell of whatever they were.
Sunjata's eyes have a weight to them, a pressure that Nate would feel even if he couldn't see clearly. [say]"You're the fucking Pied Piper of shitty situations, you know that? Cause I fucking believe you, I want to be able to trust you, but fucking..."[/say] He slams his hands onto the table in front of him, bending over just a little to to put his weight into it. [say]"You could have not taken your fucking knife out. I know you can take someone down without it. You could have tried to fucking talk to them first. Something that isn't you maiming someone, that isn't you getting beat up by some pirate prick!"[/say]
He has a moment, a breath to try to collect himself, and it's ruined, utterly, by the bark of laughter leaving the other man. And it's Nate's turn to sneer in disbelief, so angry now he's almost shaking with it.
[say]"You never asked?"[/say] There's a moment of mocking thought spared to that, Nate rolling his eyes so hard his entire body moves with it. [say]"I guess you didn't, Sunny. You're right. Fuck me for giving a shit about you. Fuck me for trying to keep you in one piece."[/say] Nate spreads his arms wide, staring at the attuned. [say]"Fuck me for loving you, right? For wanting."[/say] It feels thankless in the moment, feels like a kick in the gut. [say]"Fuck me for being tired of you coming home beaten to shit."[/say]
RE: swimming in the murky water - Sunjata - 06-17-2020
He recalls his words, realizing the mistake, and his jaw clenches with the barrage after. He admitted he didn’t think – too stubborn and headstrong to backtrack now. And he burns, brimming and glimmering with frustration and exhaustion and pain beneath the surface. Burns with the fact he’s tried to be so fucking careful since Nate’s attack, but it had weighed on him. It still does, the fact that nothing has come from it, that she could go out there and try it again and it was all done for protection before it backfired.
But it backfires, because of course it does. It’s him. And Nate does a fantastic job of pointing that out. His hands tighten around the countertop as Nate leans forward against the table that separates them, hissing internally at the implicates because yes it could have been done better. He knows this, he admits it in whatever roundabout way Sunjata has to in order to cope. He’d never wanted anyone to get hurt. But he’s too riled up to thing reasonably now, with the alcohol swirling in his gut – when was the last time he’d eaten?
“[say]Someone. Sure.[/say]” He begins, tearing his hands away from the countertop for fear of claws poking out and stabbing through the wood. And all he can do is just clench his hands into fists now, working his jaw, staring at Nate. He can’t defend himself against it, knows it’s a moot point, and then suddenly, suddenly he’s shocked.
And he doesn’t know what to do, doesn’t know whether that fighting urge of the Korofian within him rears its head whether to let it or try to swallow it down. The arms spread by Nate, the exasperation in the words that are shot back at him. “[say]No, no.[/say]” He begins, a shake of his head that tosses curls as feathers sprout in his anger along his shoulders, filling in tattoos. “[say]I have tried to keep from getting involved. What am I supposed to do, Nate?[/say]" He asks suddenly, voice thicker with the accent now due to the alcohol and bitterness growing within him.
“[say]Am I just to let it happen? Let some other person get attacked? Which – by the way, might I fucking add, isn’t as much of a secret as we thought it was.[/say]” He snaps suddenly, jaw clacking shut with an audible click as his heart thunders in his chest. “[say]I guess we didn’t take into consideration the crowd, huh?[/say]”
RE: swimming in the murky water - Nate - 06-17-2020
This is anger just for the sake of it, just to feel the burn. Every little push Sunjata tries to make only flares him up worse, makes him want to scream twice as long, twice as loud. [say]"Don't act like you only had one option."[/say] Nate snarls. Even stopping one might've been enough, but did Sunjata know that? No! Hadn't they talked about this, on the beach of some wandering island? Wasn't this an old conversation? And yet, here they were.
Nate can see that he's struck a nerve, somewhere in his yelling, even if he can't pinpoint exactly what it is. He can see the feathers growing in at Sunjata's shoulders though, and presses harder, moving to take a step around the table, a step closer. Playing the predator. [say]"No what? Huh?"[/say] If he were closer, this is where he'd shove a hand out, starting something he didn't want to, something he couldn't come back from. The last shred of sense he had kept him still, kept him from moving closer, though he shoved all the frustration, all the hurt and the anger and everything he could muster into his voice. [say]"You're supposed to come home to me!"[/say]
He'd said, when this had started, that he was greedy, and he was. Self serving, selfish. And right now, if he had to make the choice, the whole city could burn if it meant the other man came back to him. Of course, Nate can't say that, can't voice it in anyway that matters, and he's stuck on his rage, on the cutting tones in his voice.
[say]"I don't know. I don't know. But I don't give a fuck about-"[/say] The words stop suddenly, Nate's mouth closing with a snap, the realization washing over him. Humiliation floods over him, first and foremost, but it's followed by a kind of hollow acceptance. He hadn't managed to keep any other fuck up quiet, why would this be any different?
[say]"Great."[/say] He croaks out, nodding. [say]"I mean, what'd I expect? That no one had seen it? That people wouldn't talk about it? Idiot."[/say] This is as much spiral as it is wildfire, and Nate knows, with a certainty, and unwavering foreboding, that he'll be nothing by the end of this, he'll be back in that numb, quiet place he'd started in. The only thing he's not sure of is if he'll be truly alone or not.
RE: swimming in the murky water - Sunjata - 06-17-2020
He had plenty of options, but only one comes to mind. The one he’d done – trained from a young age to do. And old habits died really fucking hard. So he burns with his choices, feathers sprouting on his shoulders as he knows just how much he’s fucked up, unable to keep most of the sharp thoughts aimed to hurt from crossing the forefront of his mind. And he’s half tempted to shout them all out, but all he can do is watch Nate – caught as prey to his predatory approach, feathers ruffling and flexing until they coat his arms now.
And that’s when it hurts, so sharply and so deeply, that the curl of his lip is feline in nature and cutting sharply across the panes of his face. “[say]I do come home to you.[/say]” He snaps. Sure, he’d thought about not coming home tonight if only to avoid this, but in the end he’d always come back – had always come home.
But he struggles with trying to figure out just where home is anymore. None of those roguish, fleeting smirks and easy jests between them. Just Sunjata, doing his best to try and keep the peace, doing his best to try and keep from shoving Nate into that hollow shell he’d taken over with an iron fist, unable to let even him fully try to pull him out of. And it grates, like a sharp knife against his skin again and again until he can’t help but to let the words slip from his throat of the not-so-secret secret.
He takes a sharp inhale as he debates between softening, of catering to the shutting down. Maybe… Maybe if he were stronger, weren’t so fired up and in pain and tired and so exhausted and wanting nothing more than for things to go back to how they once had been, he would keep the sharpness of his tone. But his father rears his ugly head in him. “[say]We both had that oversight.[/say]” He adds sharply, shifting his weight but keeping the distance between them.
“[say]And I don’t know what to do, Nate. I don’t know. I can’t talk to you like I used to. I don’t know whether what I say will spark you to go quiet for hours on end again. I am on eggshells everywhere now. I don’t know if you’ll be more yourself when I get home, I don’t know if the girl that attacked you is coming for you while I’m gone. I don’t know if she’s out terrorizing anyone else? Fuck. I –[/say]” He closes his jaw with another clack of teeth, steps back to where his hip presses against the counter again as he shakes his head.
RE: swimming in the murky water - Nate - 06-17-2020
[say]"How many times have you come home bleeding out? Or like this?"[/say] Both arms come up to gesture towards Sunjata, getting dangerously close to too close, to that point of contact, the point of no return.
There's one last sneer, one last burst of defensive, jabbing anger, purely in response to the clipped words, the sharp tone, reminding Nate of the single slip he'd seen, of Sunjata's past, bleeding through who he was now. Vitriol sits on the tip of his tongue, words to hurt, but the other man opens his mouth first, and Nate stops, listens. There's no point in shouting over each other, when he knows he doesn't need to, but he doesn't expect to be hit so hard by the tirade.
Nate is silent, completely, the clack of the other mans teeth almost echoing now, no words rising to swallow up the sound immediately. He can't argue this, can't deflect any of it, not without very deliberately and intentionally severing what's between them. He can't bring himself to do that. But he's used to facing his mistakes on his own terms, to dealing with things on his own terms. He doesn't even know how to explain himself, not really, how to turn everything into words, into an explanation.
[say]"I don't want you to talk any differently."[/say] It feels like an easy place to start, a solid base to build off, except he can't build anything, can't stop it all from spewing out of him after the first words. [say]"I want things normal again. I want to be normal again. I miss you, all the time, and I know that I'm the one who changed, and I'm the one who fucked everything up, I just..."[/say] Nate closes his eye hard, so the force of Sunjata's eyes feels softer, so he doesn't have to know he's being looked at. He hates this, hates that he's spiralling again, hates that it's taken so long to break through his numb haze and rip out this. [say]"You're... you're all I have. All I care about. And I can't do a fucking thing to keep you safe, I couldn't keep myself safe, I can't..."[/say] Should this feel like backtracking? Like a failure? He's trying to be open, but it feels like far too little, far too late.
He's thoroughly broken open now though, and as much as he wants to sink back into that anger, into the satisfying burn, he can't bring himself to. Can't sink fully into despair either, so he tries for something different, tries to cling to something that gives them time. [say]"We have the week, right?"[/say] His voice sounds too quiet in his own ears now, too soft. [say]"We can... figure this out. We can talk. Properly."[/say]
There is nothing but fear in Nate, when you dig deep enough. It is the core of him, and right now, the only thing that saves him, that spurs this change, is the fact that he's more afraid of losing Sunjata than he is of anything else. He'd go through hell, lose both his eyes, if it meant he still got to cling to the other man.
RE: swimming in the murky water - Sunjata - 06-17-2020
A lot. That’s what he wants to say, but he doesn’t because now Nate’s unleashed the floodgate once again, and Sunjata can’t stop. Finding those insecurities, of knowing Nate’s trying and yet poking at them anyway to rip them open again. And he watches the shadow of Nate, still unable to see him in the dark, unable to partially shift his gaze to better see – maybe there’s a part of him that regrets it, that regrets saying and doing everything he has. But again, that little part of him nags with the idea that he didn’t have a choice.
He’s always had a choice, though hasn’t he?
Perhaps not for what comes next, not as Nate starts again and Sunjata can still feel his heartbeat thundering within him, feels it pulsing and beating against the scar on his neck. His steel gaze is narrowed on Nate, trying his damnedest to keep the anger swallowed down as Nate shuts down, but it doesn’t work and he hates this part of himself, so incredibly much. “[say]I get it.[/say]” He replies gruffly, almost unwillingly – understanding more than he should what it’s like to get attacked and having to deal with the consequences of that. At least his scars and things could be hidden beneath clothes, but gods his body was a walking chapter of pain and mistakes.
“[say]You didn’t know, Nate.[/say]” There’s that glimmering frustration. “[say]Everything was fine, until then. And all it takes is that one time. I’m terrified to lose you too, but I feel like I already am.[/say]” His voice shakes, and he tears his gaze away, moving to the counter to down the rest of the liquor in the glass before setting it down perhaps a bit too hard where he almost flinches. But he can’t entirely see the table, that’s a good enough excuse right?
As for the week? That’s when his jaw clenches hard again and he braces his hands along the table, body half turned away from Nate now, head hanging between his shoulders. “[say]No. We don’t.[/say]” He begins, and it fucking hurts. “[say]Jack’s making me go into the Fingers in place of him.[/say]”
RE: swimming in the murky water - Nate - 06-17-2020
[say]"I should have."[/say] And therein lies the crux of his struggle, the fulcrum that he's poised upon. He should have known better, shouldn't have trusted so easily, shouldn't have thought he was untouchable, no matter how it felt. Shouldn't be putting Sunjata through this, shouldn't be like this. Nate lived his whole life without coming to this point, without being hurt like this, and in one action, one stupid, risky decision, everything he knows has come crashing down.
He could go on, he wants to, for what has to be the first time, he wants to talk until he has nothing left to say, wants to explain, in detail, every thought, every decision that's led to this point. He can't, won't talk to Sunjata's back though, so he has to hold his tongue, has to wait, and hope he gets the chance, hope things don't slip even further into shit.
Why would he get the chance?
Sunjata still isn't looking at him, even when he turns back. There must be something wrong, because all Nate can feel now is ice, a chip in his chest that blooms into something that overtakes his whole body. What is he supposed to say, how is he supposed to respond? Can't shut down, can't tap back into the anger, can't break down anymore. There's nothing left to fall. Even the deep well of automatic, meaningless words is gone. He has to say something though, doesn't he?
[say]"Oh. I see."[/say]