Court of the Fallen
things i wish i didn’t know - Printable Version

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things i wish i didn’t know - Ronin - 07-08-2020

Some days baby steps. Others - giant leaps. Ronin had felt the pull to visit his friend since he had been able to get himself around without falling apart at random. He hadn’t been able to face it straight after LongNight, unsure whether the sight of wreckage would trigger unwanted memories, but one morning he’d had enough of himself and... well. One portal trip later found him here, outside the Artist’s Sanctuary, gaunt and tired and still healing, but here.

Taking a long breath in through his nose and out through his mouth, Ronin reached out to knock at the door. [say]”Bastien,”[/say] he called, his voice more gruff than he would like. [say]”It’s Ronin. Are you here?”[/say] Because the Dark Star knew the pain of something like this; knew about what came after, what edges Bastien might be standing on.


RE: things i wish i didn’t know - Bastien - 07-08-2020

After the funeral, Bastien had done something he had not in a long time: he had shut the doors of the Sanctuary to the public. Usually he allowed anyone that wanted to to come in and use the materials, create to their hearts content, but he couldn't face having anyone else in the building right now. It was just him and Azrael, Pittore pattering around them (the gremlin seemed to understand Rexanna was gone and was very sad about it, but didn't seem to understand it was a permanent change), and he could spend most of his time staring at the ceiling blankly.

Hearing the knock from where he was laid in bed upstairs, he considered not going down. He certainly didn't want to handle socialising with any random off the street and if someone was here to ask him for supplies, they could fuck off...then he heard Ronin's voice.

While it had become somewhat of a joke in recent months, he really did admire Ronin very much and considered the man the closest thing to a best friend he had (sad really, that even his 'best friend' was someone he didn't see that often...maybe he ought to let more people close) - he had been hurt when the Dark Star had not arrived at the funeral, though he supposed it was irrational to expect him to come from Torchline. With all that had happened, he was unaware of any of Ronin's circumstances during Longnight.

Eventually, he put on some pants, threw a wrap around his shoulders and went down the stairs, checking in on Azrael as he went past then going to open the door. At first he stared at Ronin like he had forgotten how to speak (maybe he had, just a little), then finally: [say]"...Ah, hello. It's...I mean..."[/say] No idea what he was trying to say, Bastien shook his head: he knew he had to look a mess, hair all over and stains on his pants from wine: if he could get tired, he'd have bags under his eyes. [say]"...Do come in."[/say] He stepped back to let Ronin into the room.


RE: things i wish i didn’t know - Ronin - 07-08-2020

[say]”It’s...”[/say] It’s fine, Ronin tried to begin as Bastien stumbled over his words, the Star considering telling the man that he hardly needed to offer a chipper greeting. But nothing was fine under these circumstances; a reality that Ronin knew all too well. There were no expectations on what his friend might look like, or how he might act - and in all honesty, they both looked like shit. It was just the truth of it.

Bastien invited him in and Ronin stepped over the threshold of the Sanctuary only to turn and pull him into a tight hug, if the other man would allow it. [say]”You don’t need to put on a show for me,”[/say] he muttered. [say]”It’s like a nightmare you’re waiting to wake up from. I get it. Probably worse for you though, since you can’t even fall asleep to get away from it.”[/say]


RE: things i wish i didn’t know - Bastien - 07-10-2020

Ronin certainly wasn't looking tip-top either, though Bastien hardly noticed; he'd not even paid attention to the layout of his studio this morning or the colour harmony of the rooms, something he usually was consistently aware of. He was so lost in his grief he'd paired maroon with olive green in the bedroom when clearing out some of Rexanna's things (to go in a box - he couldn't handle looking at them, but would not throw them away either).

He practically melted into the hug, appreciating any physical comfort anyone wanted to give him; Bastien struggled not to burst into tears anew on Ronin's shoulder, but somehow he resisted, fingers gripping hard onto his shoulders. [say]"...Thank you. I do wish I could."[/say] The numbness of dreams was incredibly appealing at the moment, as was the call of alcohol; the constant glass of wine in his hand was a wish to go back to a time where it could do anything.

Finally he detached himself from Ronin and stood back, motioning into the dim studio. [say]"Do you have time to come sit for a while...? I fear I am driving myself insane with my own company; I am sure you are busy though, so I would understand..."[/say] He trailed off, giving Ronin an out.


RE: things i wish i didn’t know - Ronin - 07-11-2020

[say]”Perhaps you could ask your goddess...?”[/say] It wasn’t likely, given the proclivities of their respective deities, but it might be worth an ask to give Bastien some relief from his grief. Hugging him hard in return, Ronin gave a sad smile as he finally stepped away, following his gaze into the studio. [say]”Of course I have time,”[/say] he said with a nod, heading inside. [say]”I came through the portal to visit you - so I’d hope we could spend more than a couple of minutes on your doorstep.”[/say]

Ruffling a hand through his dark hair, Ronin let out a long sigh and gazed around at the sanctuary, shaking his head. [say]”You know, I remember when you were just opening this place up.”[/say] Vanya and Rexanna had both been there, back then. And both were gone now. [say]”How are you holding up? I heard you had a baby...?”[/say] All the more reason for Ronin’s visit. He knew exactly what that was like.


RE: things i wish i didn’t know - Bastien - 07-11-2020

Bastien laughed and shook his head, the sound empty and sad; perhaps Ronin genuinely didn't know, but the idea of the Voice allowing one of her children to willingly shut off entirely for any amount of time seemed bizarre. [say]"Our Goddess is not very likely to let people do anything inefficient. It's one of the places where we disagree."[/say] Still, Bastien considered eternal life, the ability to constantly observe the world around him (unless he met an early end like Rexanna, he supposed).

[say]"I see; thank you. You're too kind."[/say] Touched that Ronin was making an effort for him, Bastien went to get him some wine and gestured for him to sit, the tendencies of a practised host still innate in him. He was just placing down the glass as Ronin looked about the Sanctuary and he smiled, a huff of nostalgic laughter leaving him. [say]"There was a lot we didn't know then."[/say]

Hearing Ronin mention Azrael, he nodded. [say]"Ah, yes - I'll go get them. An introduction will be nice; wait here."[/say] He turned to go up the stairs and fetch his child, leaving Ronin sat for the moment in the studio. If he looked around, he'd see a pile of paintings of Rexanna stacked against one wall and the rest of the Sanctuary's carefully curated art dusty and in some places fallen over or wonky in a way it usually never was. Pittore peeked out at Ronin from behind one of the shelves, seemingly scared of the Safrin-touched man.


RE: things i wish i didn’t know - Ronin - 07-14-2020

[say]”Perhaps you could make a case for being more inefficient without rest, in your present state,”[/say] Ronin mused, gingerly sitting himself down and sinking back into the comfort of the pillows and silks. Honestly though, from the little he had heard of the Voice (and the thoroughly unpleasant conversations he’d had with her), he was inclined to agree with Bastien. Giving his friend a sad smile, he accepted the wine and shook his head. [say]”I don’t feel kind,”[/say] he said. [say]”I’m sorry, that I missed the funeral. I was in no fit state to travel.”[/say] Still wasn’t truthfully, but unfortunately that was just the way of things.

Talk of the baby was a little more cheerful, at least, and Ronin nodded to the Ascended and let him take his leave. The time gave him a chance to relax, to gather himself; there was something about the untidy guildhall that called back to Ronin’s immediate days after Vanya, and it pricked at parts of him that were buried deep down.

Something moved out of the corner of his eye, though, and the hunter’s blue eyes zoned in on Pittore - not that he had any idea what he was looking at. [say]”What an ugly cat,”[/say] he remarked.


RE: things i wish i didn’t know - Bastien - 07-15-2020

[say]"Perhaps, but what sounds reasonable to humans does not always to Gods."[/say] Bastien remarked, sure that Ronin, who lived between those two worlds, had to know that better than most other people. He watched Ronin settle and noticed that the couch was unorganised, that there was dust on the wooden arms: something that would have never passed before Longnight, but now it was barely more than an aside. [say]"Do not worry, my friend. That you are here at all is a balm on my heart."[/say]

He would ask Ronin more about what he meant by 'no fit state to travel' later, but first there were introductions to be made. Thankfully not hearing Ronin's comment on his companion (though the gremlin would surely complain about it later) Bastien entered the studio with Azrael in his arms, the child a bundle wrapped in beautiful cloth, perfect face with wide eyes staring up out at the world. [say]"This is Azrael."[/say] Bastien said, coming closer and moving the child towards Ronin, offering to let him hold them if he wished to. [say]"They have a very good temperament, so don't worry about upsetting them."[/say]


RE: things i wish i didn’t know - Ronin - 07-16-2020

Ronin did know that better than most; it was precisely that sort of thing that had gotten him into such trouble this past LongNight. Still, he offered a warm smile to Bastien as he left the studio, glad at least to have been able to do some good with his presence. He didn’t notice the state of the place - probably wouldn’t have even had it been in a much worse way, in truth - and he did his best not to look again at what he assumed was the cat behind one of the shelves.

Luckily his friend returned soon enough, a child bundled in his arms that stole Ronin’s attention entirely. [say]”They are perfect,”[/say] he remarked, a smile flickering across his face, and he reached up to carefully take the bundle and peer down at Azrael properly. [say]”I had the pleasure of raising a daughter who didn’t always have a good temperament,”[/say] he said with a chuckle. [say]”So this is a pleasure. But... how are you coping, Bastien?”[/say]


RE: things i wish i didn’t know - Bastien - 07-17-2020

Bastien was happy to see Ronin take his child willingly and compliment them: with Azrael's origin as a Voice-child, something he knew made some uncomfortable, he had worried Ronin might find them repulsive. Azrael reached tiny hands up towards Ronin's face, the brilliant electric blue in their eyes shining bright as they saw a new potential friend. [say]"I hope...that as they grow older, they will not find prejudice due to the circumstances of their birth."[/say] Bastien said sadly, smiling faintly at his child's innocence of the world.

As for how he was coping...Bastien sighed and stared at the wall ahead, trying to consider the question without letting his eyes fill with tears. [say]"Ah...not well. I cannot believe she is gone. Every day I wait to hear her coming home and when she doesn't I have to remember where I am...and...I always liked to swear this would not happen, but...I don't know who I am, without her."[/say] He laughed, a little helpless, and shook his head. [say]"Can there be a moon without a sun? I built all I have here with her."[/say]


RE: things i wish i didn’t know - Ronin - 07-18-2020

[say]”If they are anything like you and Rexanna, they will charm the world and light up any room they walk into,”[/say] Ronin assured his friend, though his gaze didn’t leave Azrael. He offered a warm smile to the baby, reaching out a hand to let them grasp hold of his finger. Ronin held no prejudice for infants, regardless of their origin; especially given is experiences this past LongNight, he would give nothing but his protection and kindness to Bastien’s child.

He let the other man speak without interruption, without looking at him or scrutinising him, figuring he would prefer to just have the space to express himself. [say]”It takes time,”[/say] he said slowly after a period of silence, letting out a long sigh. [say]”There’s no right way to go about it. I think I ignored the guild for weeks afterwards. I just concentrated on Aoife. Just... don’t go out and fight a Spire demon and die like I did, yeah?”[/say] He smiled weakly.


RE: things i wish i didn’t know - Bastien - 07-19-2020

Bastien laughed softly, the smile remaining on his lips; he had found in Rexanna a partner in not just life but his artistic and aesthetic ambition. Whether or not Azrael would follow in that path was to be seen, but he hoped he could share with them his love for the world of the visual. [say]"I have, unfortunately, been too distracted to craft any particularly stunning infant clothing. Soon, though."[/say] He reassured Ronin, determined his child was going to be dazzling in the coming weeks when he had the energy for it.

There was probably no one who could understand his plight as well as Ronin, so Bastien listened closely to what he had to say. [say]"I think I may try and do some work for the guild I have been meaning to...when I am able. It will help me to concentrate on something else, perhaps."[/say] Rexanna had always encouraged him to work on his passions and Sanctuary, so in a way it would be like doing what he hoped she might want.

[say]"I am hardly an adventurer like you, my friend. Do not worry."[/say] He said with a sad smile, thinking back to that odd time just after the Spire Demon had been killed. [say]"I have found myself quite happy to stay in and work on my paintings and hear others tales of bravery, in these last years. You have been, I'm sure, continuing your derring do in Torchline?"[/say]


RE: things i wish i didn’t know - Ronin - 07-20-2020

[say]”Soon,”[/say] Ronin agreed, smiling down at Azrael. [say]”I would expect no less.”[/say] He could see the child now in all manner of elaborate fashions, as elegant and eclectic as both Bastien and Rexanna combined. [say]”Just... be practical, when they start to walk. You will be endlessly surprised, my friend, at the trouble your child will be able to get into.”[/say] The smile he shot across to the other man was mischievous but still solemn in its own way. Nothing took away from the gravity of what had happened.

Nodding in agreement at the guild work Bastien spoke of, Ronin rested back in his seat, absently rocking the child in his arms. [say]”Don’t be discouraged, if you have a setback,”[/say] he cautioned. [say]”It’s always good, to concentrate on the future. But grief is sneaky.”[/say] It was sad, but true.

But then the conversation turned to him, and Ronin felt all joviality drop away from his expression. [say]”Derring do, not so much,”[/say] he said. [say]”I was here in fact, for Longnight. Outside all night. I was on a task for Safrin, to help get Vanya from the stars and to Mort’s realm.”[/say]


RE: things i wish i didn’t know - Bastien - 07-21-2020

Bastien grinned, the thought of Azrael growing up into a mischievous toddler a surprisingly nice one; he found though that he had instant doubt his child would get to be that age, thinking that the Voice might well choose to have them grow up in an instant. As much as the father in him hated that, wanted to hold onto the precious moments when they were small, he knew he could not deny Azrael their fate. [say]"Oh, if they are anything like me, there will be a lot of trouble; luckily I am adept at handling it."[/say]

Grief was indeed sneaky; Bastien had found it hiding in a glass Rexanna often chose, the shape his sheets took on the bed in the morning, in their wardrobe when her dresses were visible through the crack in the door. [say]"I know. If it were not for Azrael and Pittore, I would likely wallow in it for much longer...but I cannot raise my child in a house defined by sadness."[/say] It was no way for a child to grow up.

Hearing that Ronin had been in the Grounds for Longnight was a surprise, Bastien immediately wondering if he had been somehow so beside himself in grief he hadn't noticed. When he heard why Ronin had been there though, that line of questioning fell through in favour of another. [say]"Why would you take her from the stars? Is that not an honour Safrin bestowed upon her?"[/say]