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+---- Thread: things i wish i didn’t know (/showthread.php?tid=3845)
RE: things i wish i didn’t know - Ronin - 07-23-2020
[say]”You say that now, but I’m trouble’s best friend and Aoife used to run rings around me,”[/say] Ronin remarked with a laugh; the pain was still fresh and bright, even nearly a year on, but he found he was able to talk about his daughter’s fun moments rather than simply dwell on the agony of losing her.
His smile softening somewhat as Bastien spoke, he nodded his agreement with the Ascended. [say]”Grab every piece of happiness you can,”[/say] he advised, knowing what it was like to build a life around sadness. He wouldn’t recommend it.
The question about Vanya was a surprising one, Ronin smiling sadly across at his friend. [say]”She is alone up there. Aoife is alone in Mort’s realm. I would reunite them if I could, so they could be together,”[/say] he explained. Not that it was an easy task, and he still wasn’t sure if it would be successful.
RE: things i wish i didn’t know - Bastien - 07-24-2020
Bastien smiled, never having known Ronin's daughter too well but seeing it clear on his face that he had been a fond father. [say]"Well, she had a role model to live up to."[/say] He remarked, looking the adventurer and monster-slayer up and down.
He was certainly trying his best to take happiness where he could find it, though it was sometimes hard. With a sigh, he shook his head. [say]"It is just...sometimes...yesterday I saw them smile truly for the first time. It was a wonderful moment and I felt my heart soar.."[/say] Bastien gestured his hand going out from his chest into the air; [say]"..Then come back down as I realised Rexanna was not there to see it."[/say] His hand became a fist, which fell down to his knee.
Bastien had been so caught up in the romance of being a star he had not considered that it might be lonely. [say]"You say 'would'...were you not successful in your efforts over Longnight?"[/say]
RE: things i wish i didn’t know - Ronin - 07-25-2020
[say]”And so does Azrael. I know you’ll be a good one.”[/say] Ronin smiled lightly to Bastien. For a second, if he wasn’t looking, he could imagine the weight of the baby in his arms as Aoife when she had been much younger. It was a comforting thing, and something he found himself unconsciously relaxing into as they spoke. Which was probably a good state of mind to be in, given the nature of the conversation, and Ronin nodded sadly.
[say]”I’ve been there,”[/say] he murmured. [say]”I found it helpful to make things that I could tell Aoife about later. Paintings of Vanya, things that belonged to her. That way she’d be able to grow up knowing about her mother, sharing pieces of her, even if she couldn’t really meet her.”[/say] Then of course the guildhall had burned and those memories along with it. Then he’d lost his daughter, too.
Swallowing down the tightness in his throat, Ronin raised his eyes to Bastien. [say]”I was tasked to stay out all night and protect everyone I could. I... couldn’t protect everyone. The things that happened... things I saw...”[/say] He shuddered. [say]”Safrin is doing what she can. But I don’t know if she will be successful in convincing Ludo.”[/say]
RE: things i wish i didn’t know - Bastien - 07-27-2020
There were few people Bastien would entrust his child to for so long right now; Ronin was one of them. While they had not known each other for many years, he'd always felt an odd kind of kinship with the other man (and, though not right now, an admittedly not insignificant crush) and there was something nice in having a break, watching Azrael slightly shift and wiggle in his arms happily, occasionally reaching to play with or pick at some part of Ronin's outfit.
[say]"Well, I have plenty of paintings."[/say] He laughed, but it was a humourless sound. [say]"Dresses, perfumes...I've had to begin packing some of it, because it was making me insane. I wonder if doing that so soon makes me a cruel man, but.."[/say] Bastien trailed off, helplessly shaking his head as he looked down at the ground. [say]"I already think of her every moment. It was too much."[/say]
Ronin's failure to fulfill his task was certainly a more pressing, heavy issue: Bastien watched quietly, carefully, unsure of what to say at first. [say]"...It is..Rexanna and Clem, you failed to protect, or...others? I am not sure if Safrin would care about them."[/say] There was perhaps a bitter edge to his voice, but he tried not to let his own personal biases get too involved.
RE: things i wish i didn’t know - Ronin - 07-29-2020
In the short time with his daughter Ronin had long learned to surrender whatever part of his shirt cuff or buttons to Aoife that she desired; the same was true for Azrael, though he did occasionally flick his eyes down to check that they weren’t trying to eat part of his outfit. [say]”It doesn’t make you a cruel man,”[/say] he assured him, shaking his head. [say]”I cleared our whole bedroom, soon as I got back after Longnight. I put everything in a trunk where it was close by, but where I didn’t have to look at it.”[/say]
A normal part of grief, Ronin thought, and Bastien would likely want to go through her things again in time. He chewed at the inside of his cheek at the Ascended’s question, shaking his head gently. [say]”There were others,”[/say] he muttered. [say]”But whether they counted to Safrin or not... they definitely counted to me. And I do feel like I failed them.”[/say]
RE: things i wish i didn’t know - Bastien - 07-30-2020
[say]"..It is good to know it is not just my own failing, then."[/say] Bastien mused, absentmindedly reaching to stroke Azrael's cheek, grinning just a little as the baby looked over and seemed to recognise him, a smile spreading over their cherubic lips. [say]"I have a question for you...I fear you may think me trying to move on too quickly for asking it, so I assure you it is only a philosophical curiosity..I also hope you will not mind the intrusion."[/say]
With that build-up, Bastien was sure Ronin would be waiting anxiously to hear it, so he asked: [say]"How is it that you fell in love again? Do you still love Vanya, or have you put that aside for Remi? I cannot...now, this is all so fresh, I cannot imagine ever wanting another."[/say]
Longnight always seemed to take more than expected. Bastien sighed and shook his head, holding his arms. [say]"...I hope you find a way to save her soul then, friend. If I could help...If I can help, you need only ask."[/say]
RE: things i wish i didn’t know - Ronin - 08-02-2020
[say]”Hardly. I don’t think there’s such thing as failing with something like this. There’s no... right way to grieve, especially for someone as close to you as the mother of your child.”[/say] Ronin smiled too, as Bastien reached down for the baby; the smile on Azrael’s lips, he knew, would probably be the thing to carry the Ascended through this. Still, the other man was right and his musing did pique Ronin’s interest; the Star waited with curiosity to hear what Bastien had to say.
And when the question did tumble out, his smile warmed and lit up his face. [say]”Well, I don’t think I had the most traditional experience of moving forward in that regard,”[/say] he said. [say]”If you remember, I was with Vanya for a time, in the stars. She pushed me off the edge of the sky and back down to Caido.”[/say] He laughed as he remembered it. [say]”So I was all but told to live, to love, to... do all the things she couldn’t do with me.”[/say] That wasn’t particularly helpful for Bastien, though.
[say]”I do still love her - of course I do. And I always will. But... I couldn’t keep looking for something I didn’t have any more, with her. And Remi... it crept up on me, I think. We fell in love slowly, as friends.”[/say]
RE: things i wish i didn’t know - Bastien - 08-03-2020
To see Ronin smile in response to his question was a surprise, but a welcome one: Bastien was genuinely curious with no desire to see Ronin upset. [say]"Pushed you off the edge of the sky?"[/say] He repeated, laughing as well at the thought of it. [say]"Was it nice, up there in the sky? Before Vanya decided you'd had enough?"[/say]
In an odd way it was comforting to hear Ronin say he still loved Vanya; it made Bastien feel that he could still love Rexanna, that people would believe him when he said it the way he believed Ronin in the moment, even if his life moved onwards with time. "I must tell you I never saw you and Remi being romantically involved coming. And...speaking of Remi..."
Azrael began to wiggle in Ronin's arms, making soft noises of discontent; Bastien reached to gently take them from him and place them down in their makeshift crib of blankets on a nearby table. "...He has seemed so sad, lately, when I have seen him. Is he alright?"
RE: things i wish i didn’t know - Ronin - 08-08-2020
[say]”Oh yes,”[/say] Ronin said, a laugh bubbling up in his chest at the memory. [say]”I was sent back here with her blessing. She did push me, though.”[/say] Eyes narrowing playfully, his expression cleared into something wistful at the memory of his time living in the cosmos. [say]”It was beautiful... but it was also very sad.”[/say] He sighed. [say]”Paradise, certainly, to sail the sky with her. But to watch the grief down here... that was difficult.”[/say]
Still, it wasn’t that way any more, and Ronin was remarkably content with how his life had turned out - even if he had to agree that he hadn’t seen he and Remi becoming a thing until it was already right in front of him. Speaking of his husband, though, Ronin lowered his eyes, carefully pausing Azrael back to Bastien. [say]”He is struggling,”[/say] he confirmed. [say]”With all that’s happened. With Aoife, with Ludo, with the way he is now...”[/say] He shrugged. [say]”Sometimes all we can do is be there for the people we love.”[/say]
RE: things i wish i didn’t know - Bastien - 08-08-2020
[say]"So...that makes you literally like an angel from heaven, hm? If we were at a bar and younger, less complicated men, I could make a comment."[/say] Bastien smiled, a hint of the usual twinkle in his eye for just a moment at the thought. Interesting, Ronin's talk of paradise: Bastien had spent a long time considering the idea of Heaven, but he had never considered being able to see down to the world below and how that might sour the experience. [say]"Did you have the choice to simply not look?"[/say]
It was true that Remi was struggling, then; Bastien nodded. He had noticed a difference from the bright young Alchemist he'd once knew, the first person he'd met in Caido... [say]"With...Ludo? I must admit it has been some time since I have spoken to Remi; what happened with Ludo? If it is my place to ask, of course."[/say] Bastien wouldn't want to divulge all the details of his shrine visits, so he wouldn't demand that from someone else, but he was admittedly curious.
RE: things i wish i didn’t know - Ronin - 08-09-2020
Ronin flashed a grin at Bastien for his remark, shrugging his shoulders. [say]”If we were younger, less complicated men, I could let you,”[/say] he shot back, before sagging into the couch and frowning up at the ceiling. [say]”We didn’t have to look, no,”[/say] he said. [say]”But if you could watch Azrael, even if it hurt you to do it, even if it meant not being able to help if they felt sad or scared... wouldn’t you?”[/say] The choice had been remarkably easy to make, for Ronin.
[say]”You might not recognise him even if you do speak to him,”[/say] he murmured about Remi, rubbing at his eye for a moment before seeming to collect himself. It’s was true that the Alchemist was as much himself as he could be around Ronin, but other people? They didn’t get that sort of privilege.
[say]”He has become to Ludo, in a fashion, what I am to Safrin. As complicated as his relationship with that god has been since we came to Caido... I do believe it has managed to save him from himself.”[/say]
RE: things i wish i didn’t know - Bastien - 08-09-2020
When Ronin phrased it like that, Bastien supposed he could see that there was no other choice; he looked down to the child in his arms, knew that no matter where he was, if he had a chance to watch them grow, he would. [say]"...You're right. Though I am sure there will be times in my life I will have to watch them be scared or sad and not be able to do anything still...which is an unsettling thought."[/say] Still a new father, Bastien was surprised by the overwhelming protectiveness he felt towards his child, the need to keep them from any pain, no matter how unrealistic he knew it was.
[say]"That changed? I see...has that been hard for you? To have the one you love change so drastically?"[/say] He felt he and Ronin were close enough nowadays for such a question, but Bastien trusted that if he was going too far, he would be told politely to back off.
Hearing that Remi, who had always seemed a little too happy and simple for the Gods, was a worker of Ludo certainly came as a jarring realisation. [say]"Hm. I have never met Ludo myself, I do not know what it is like to speak to...I did not think it had much in common with Remi, though."[/say]
RE: things i wish i didn’t know - Ronin - 08-14-2020
Ronin relaxed into his seat further as they spoke, smiling as he glanced across at Bastien and Azrael. It was touching to see the way the Ascended looked down at his child, the Star nodding in agreement. [say]”Even had Aoife grown to be an adult, I don’t think I would have ever stopped feeling like I wanted to save her from the world,”[/say] he admitted. But talk had turned to Remi, and whilst he was surprised by his friend’s question, he wasn’t afraid to answer.
[say]”Yes and no?”[/say] he said slowly. [say]”Remi went through so much with me... He saw me die. He went through me coming back, he had to watch me become a completely different person with the blight...”[/say] Ronin’s expression became hopelessly in awe of his husband, and he shrugged his shoulders. [say]”The only thing that’s been hard is seeing him hurting”[/say] he told Bastien.
As for Ludo? [say]”It took a shine to him when we first arrived, before Remi made a misstep and fell into its bad books. Since Aoife... I think Remi went to it looking for peace that he couldn’t find in himself. It is a god that works with memories, after all.”[/say]
RE: things i wish i didn’t know - Bastien - 08-16-2020
[say]"I suppose that's just fatherhood."[/say] Bastien had never seen himself as a family man, yet he'd found given the chance of a wife and child he'd slipped into the role with surprising ease, not even having to consider the move. [say]"Do you feel the same way about Seren?"[/say] He'd never really heard Ronin speak too much of his second child.
Ronin graciously did answer his question so he sat back to listen to the answer. Sometimes, he forgot that Ronin had 'died' (after all, usually people didn't come back) and let out a almost silent breath of amusement at the casual inclusion of the phrase in his words. [say]"Ah, so you have changed as well, you think?"[/say] He asked, personally not having seen too much of a change from the Blight in Ronin, but he had admittedly not been too close to the man until after it's effects.
[say]"With memories, yes, though I've heard it can be cruel with them. Pretending to be people from one's past and so on...I am sometimes grateful that the Voice does not indulge in much trickery. If I had to see a 'ghost' of Rexanna..."[/say] He shivered and shook his head, the thought repulsive. [say]"...I was thinking of putting a lantern out for her at this Leafchange, but I'm not sure there is any point, with her not being in Mort's Realm."[/say]