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Heal what has been hurt - Maea - 04-08-2019
It felt like an age had passed since the last time she padded on silent feet across the aged stone of the guild, to knock softly on the Provost's office door. Last time she had been restless, eager to leap into danger and longing for adventure... but the past week or two felt more like years, and Maea had gotten her fill of danger for quite some time.
"Jigano? I need to talk to you, if you have some time."
Too much had happened. The mob, the breach of the Spire, a barrier coming down and an attempted government rising... and somewhere in all this, something had gone wrong. Maea didn't know what, didn't understand why, but Jigano had not supported her attempt to change the structure of the Hollow... and for all that they had smiled and laughed during the festival she couldn't shake the feeling that something was amiss.
It bothered her, and she hoped her friend and teacher would have enough time to spare to sort it out. Jigano meant a great deal to Maea, and the thought of there being a gift between them because of something she had done - it was, want it? - was painful.
RE: Heal what has been hurt - Jigano - 04-08-2019
"Come in," Jigano called from behind the mostly-closed door. It was usually open a crack unless he was sleeping or working with a book deemed dangerous for being either Sentient or gods-touched. Any would have been welcome, of course, but Maea's voice was instantly recognizable and he felt a momentary pang of anxiety. Fiat Lux had been a lovely interlude, but the world had continued to spin, the sun to rise - and there was no longer anything so immediately dangerous to life and limb that he could put this conversation off any longer.
He placed a feather in the book he had been annotating, gently closing the ancient volume and pushing it to the side as Maea entered. The Provost was looking better than he had since Maea had first met him, the weariness gone from his bearing and the shadows beneath his eyes filled in again with light. Blue eyes glinted with wry humor and his lips quirked in their usual wry smile as he gestured her towards the other chair, tilting his head at her curiously. "Time is something we never seem to have enough of anymore," he said, but his voice was light. "Careening from one emergency to the next. But that just means we have to make it for the important things. I'm sorry I didn't seek you out sooner... but I'm glad you're here now." His smile quirked a little sadder as he folded his hands decorously on the desk between them. "How have you been? I saw the boy carry you off from the Spire the night the barrier fell... and I've not seen your face within the Hall since. I wasn't sure you wanted to see me, in all honesty," he admitted, smile fading entirely at the last.
RE: Heal what has been hurt - Maea - 04-08-2019
Closing the door behind her, Maea sank down into the offered seat with a sigh, agreeing wholeheartedly with the sentiment. Time had become a precious commodity, to be stolen or bought with sleepless nights, and there was never enough of it to do what she wanted. Ever since the Long Night passed there had been one thing after the other, and between running the farm and her new projects...
"I would have come sooner, but Vai kept me at the infirmary until I stopped coughing, and then I had to look after the farm..." She shrugged and averted her gaze, knowing it was only half true. Peter had done a good job of keeping things afloat while she recovered. In all honesty, she had avoided the Guild. Avoided Jigano and this conversation, because... she wasn't sure where it would lead.
" And... I was scared. Didn't know what to say, why things turned out this way" she admitted. "I don't really want things to change. Never did... but as you say things keep happening and I couldn't just stand on the sidelines anymore, and watch without doing anything."
"The thing with the Spire, the mob... It felt like everything was spiralling out of control and all I could think of was how the conflict between Outlanders and Naturals would escalate, spread throughout the Hollow and destroy everything."
She held her hands tightly, gaze downcast as she spoke; looking at Jigano was difficult so she didnt. Just focused on speaking, on lancing the boil and bring them straight to the heart of the issue.
"I wanted to try and offer another solution... and I hoped that you would help."
Finally, Maea looked up at him. Pale lavender eyes seeking out the blue of his gaze, full of worry and questions. He had agreed to her proposal of forming a council at the meeting he called, had seemed ready to discuss it further back then... so why had he backed out when she tried to set things in motion? Because she had left? Because she hadn't discussed it properly with him first?
She didn't understand.
"Why didn't you come?"
RE: Heal what has been hurt - Jigano - 04-09-2019
He nodded at her list of reasons, not doubting her sincerity. He knew how busy Rory's farm kept him, and didn't know that she had a tenant to help her out, as the blond hunter did not. He understood, too, the feeling of wanting to avoid a conversation that he had known would be uncomfortable. He didn't interrupt her, though. Every inch of her body language screamed tension and anxiety, and spoke to the courage it had taken her to bring her fears to him at last. He watched with gentle eyes, and waited for her to finish, though her final question prodded a tired sigh from him, and a nod of acknowledgment.
"Things change," he said quietly, echoing a sentiment a wise man had once shared with him in the dark of Long Night. "Whether we will it or no. I didn't agree with how fast they were changing, thanks to Roana," he didn't quite growl the name, but there was a dangerous glint of ice in his eyes at her name. "But... knowing what we do now, even if she hadn't tried to force the issue, the Ascended would have done so anyways. Though at least they were a coalition of Outlanders and Naturals, and not the wedge between our peoples that Roana has become."
He exhaled, letting the ice and steel subside beneath his more usual controlled mien, and the smile he gave Maea was a little sad, and more than a little tired. "As I said in that very meeting where it was brought up: I am not a good choice to lead here, even if it were a position I wanted. With Ronin gone, I don't get along with most of the top ranks of the Northhavener contingent - the largest group of Outlanders in the Hollowed Grounds. Nor, as it turns out, do Wessex and I have much to say to each other, and she... well. She at least thinks she leads the Ascended." He grimaced faintly, giving a slight shrug. "But either way, it means that my place in a government would immediately create opposition - as Roana's is doing, by chasing away Rory and those who supported him," he added, his frown deepening thoughtfully.
For a moment he sat in silence, pondering the complications that had arisen since that damned Notice went up and sparked something that was very nearly war. His hands stayed serenely folded on his desk, but his eyes were shadowed with frustrations that still felt recent - and a protectiveness that Roana and her group of marauders had instilled in the hearts of more than just him.
"I did not come," he said at last, quietly, "Because I was disguised, blending in with the mob at the Spire, with Rory and Amalia and those who objected to Outlanders making hasty and unilateral decisions for a people and a home that were not their own. Rory had called them together, Rory led them - and your missive called him away, leaving the group without a leader and ripe for violence without control if Roana had decided to show up early." He shook his head, eyes dark as he looked up to meet Maea's eyes, if she would look at him. "I didn't know that you had called Roana to your table as well, but that just meant that if her followers had showed up before noon, then there would have been two groups ready to tear into each other, without leaders to speak between them and try to diffuse the violence." He sighed again, tired and wishing that things had happened differently... and knowing that wishing made no difference. "So Rory and I discussed things between us, and he went to represent us both while I remained behind to try and keep the peace - or at least serve as a significant enough distraction to delay any violence that might have started in the power vacuum created by the timing of your call."
RE: Heal what has been hurt - Maea - 04-09-2019
The young woman sat quiet, listening and thinking even after Jigano went quiet again. It had been obvious from the beginning that Roana would be a source of dispute, and it wasn't as though Maea didn't understand why. The Northavener was a strong woman who acted based on personal conviction, didn't stop to ask permission when the believed she was in the right and did not apologize if it wasn't clear she had actually made a mistake. She was a solitary tiger loose amidst the pack of wild dogs that was the populace of the Hollow, and it was only too easy to make her out as the villain.
The truth was though, they had all been played. While they squabbled amongst one another the Ascended had been left with free reins to accomplish their task, and now thr Voice was free, thr barrier had fallen... and they were left to pick up the pieces best they could.
Maea sighed, looking as tired as she felt. The timing of her 'coup' har been poorly chosen, but it had also only happened because of the surrounding circumstances. Nothing about it was ideal, from the time to the people... and certainly not the leader. Rory had been very correct in that she was a poor choice, but it spoke volumes of the Hollow overall that she was the only one who acted.
Colmplacency was a habit long ingrained into her people, and it was as hard to shake as it was dangerous, now that they had become exposed.
"I invited both Roana and Rory because I wanted to offer them a chance to talk without the eyes of their followers on them. And because I thought they would both be able to contribute. Just like I chose the others because of what they can bring to the table.
Roana, because she has a military background and is familiar among the Northaveners, and Rory because right now he has the ear of the more hot-headed Naturals. I chose Evie because she's a Wordsworth, they have sway among the rest; the farmers, the artisans... Sam was picked for the same reason and because I know he has a level head and doesn't speak as harshly as his sister... and he's an Ascended.
And I asked you, because you're the most intelligent person I know. You are well connected, experienced and you have a way with words I really lack..."
But Jigano had not come, Rory had not stayed, and in their place was Vai, who's priorities probably left the Council at third place, at best. After the baby, and probably after the infirmary too. Maea was now left with one of the most publicly hated figures in the Hollow, a stingey childhood friend who only helped Maea as long as there was something in it for her, a nervous wreck and a pregnant woman. Not exactly the solid foundation she had hoped for...
She pulled a hand through the hair, tugging loose silky white strand from the cord that held it back from her face.
"I don't know if I can pull this off" she admitted wearily. "Without you and Rory... even if we do manage to set up a system, it can't work if the council bicker amongst ourselves and are pressured from the outside at the same time. Is it just the attempt to enter the Spire that has you set against Roana? Or is there something else...?"
RE: Heal what has been hurt - Jigano - 04-09-2019
"For Roana, that made sense," Jigano said, nodding. "But for Rory... taking the leader from those gathered around the Spire could have gone very badly. He was the only thing keeping them leashed. We got very, very lucky that nothing happened while he was gone, that Amalia couldn't handle," he finished grimly. "I don't doubt that you had the best of intentions for it, but it was still a risky thing to do." And in the end, Rory had found the would-be government to be a fool's dream, and had left it behind.
"Roana is known to the Northhaveners, but I believe Zariah has more command of them," he said quietly. "And all of the Launcelyns are military as well, to my knowledge. Not that I think any of them would make better leaders," he qualified with a grimace. "But none of them have raised the enmity and outright hatred of so many naturals as Roana has. Nor has she done much to endear herself to other Outlanders not from Northhaven. Of all who you could have picked..." he sighed and shook his head. "I have no qualms with Evie. I don't know her well, but I trust you do. Sam, though... he has told me that the other Ascended hold him in some contempt. And that he spent most of his life avoiding contact with most people, hiding away in his house and behind his book stall. And he is prone to panicking and lashing out in fear and anger," the bard said soberly, meeting Maea's pale eyes with his solemn blue ones. "He is a good man, and I would trust him at my side in times of trouble, but he is also impulsive, and he does not always listen to what people have to say. He is quiet, yes, but that is not the same as level-headed. Giving him a place in a government... it will put a great deal of pressure on him, in a very short amount of time," he said, voice becoming even softer with worry for his friend. "I can only hope it is not too much." And he had no doubt that Sam would have accepted the position without thinking twice about it, because he wanted so badly to feel wanted and liked and recognized... and Maea had played directly on those insecurities to secure his loyalty. A troubling thought.
The lorekeeper nodded his head in acknowledgment of the kind words, but waited to hear what else she had to say, and at last the truth came out. "You won't know unless you try," he said simply. "I disagreed, strenuously, with your timing - timing that was forced by Roana, I know, but that just makes it look like you are appeasing her by letting her spark the conflict and then rewarding her with power... which may have contributed to her cockiness at the Spire and her little band of renegades making death threats against Rory," he added with a hardness to his jaw and the flash of steel in his eyes again. "Either with her blessing or because she could not - or chose not to - control them, I don't know... and in truth, I don't care. Our initial meeting, back in Deepfrost, painted her as a woman who was hostile against any who were non-Northhaveners, and selfishly stubborn enough to let a friend bleed out rather than accept aid from an 'outsider.' Which makes her actions at the Spire frankly hypocritical," he added, frown deepening. "It was that same situation with me, writ small, which she later turned around and attempted to force on others - only, without their consent."
He leaned back, smoothing the frown from his face as he considered Maea's earnest sincerity and desire to help - and sighed, feeling far older than his years gave him any right to. "The Ascended are unlikely to be ruled now that they have pulled off such a coup," he warned her frankly. "And there will be plenty among the more pious naturals who will see Roana's presence as a deliberate insult now. There will be pressure from the outside, at some point. Possibly from two separate sources... worse by far if the two groups find common ground and unite against you. It is up to you and the friends you have placed in power to decide how you will handle it. With an Outlander's iron sword, or some other method... will be up to you, as the one who pulled them all together."
RE: Heal what has been hurt - Maea - 04-10-2019
That Jigano would think her capable of manipulating friends for personal gain, that he even considered the possibility that she might have tried to draw away Rory from the Spire to help Roana's idiotic quest would have hurt her beyond words. As it was, the implications that she was making things worse in her hasty attempt to help was bad enough, and the girl visibly shrank under the criticism.
"It's not forever" she said, gaze dropping to her own clenched hands; seeing the knuckles blush and pale under the tightness of the grip she tried to relax, but to little effect. "There will be an election... once there's a system in place to defend against any problems from the outside, the people decide who will lead. I doubt any of us will be chosen... and that's alright. I don't want to lead, and none of the people that stayed to help are ideal... But I don't know who would be better. Do you?"
It was basically a plea at this point; who would be have chosen? What alternatives did she have?
The criticism against Roana stung too, and though she felt an inclination to defend a person who vad shown her such staunch support, Maea couldn't. She didn't know enough about the woman's history or personality to judge, only had the events at the Spire and their conversation to base anything on. At the time it had seemed to weigh equally, but now that she looked back...
"I... don't know the others from that place" she said. "I just... Roana seemed sensible enough when I spoke to her, and she practically repeated your words from when we first met, about how this place is dying. I talked to her about how it felt to have people come in and start changing things, and she offered her own perspective, how they all come from a place where not acting is the same as death. It's... why I ended up going, when the Spire opened."
The girl swallowed, regret and shame cloying like the residue of poison on the tongue. She looked very much a child where the sat, in a chair that was too large and with slumped shoulders that were much too frail for the weights the tried to carry.
"It began to feel like breaking the barrier was the only option left. I know this place isn't great, but it's my home and if it really was dying, if the land would die and the people suffer when that could be prevented...
But I was wrong.
And now the Voice is free and the barrier down, and when I went to the shrine last she showed up and basically threatened me not to meddle or get in her way. I think anyone who tries to lock her up again is in for a world of pain..."
Recalling the disturbing vision made her shudder, a look of nausea and raw fear ghosting across her face, leaving shadows in her eyes. It was too big, too much to handle... how trivial her worries about a council seemed in comparison.
RE: Heal what has been hurt - Jigano - 04-10-2019
"An election," he repeated curiously. "An interesting thought. But no one cared about starting a government before... what makes you think the people of the Hollow can be bothered to participate in such a thing now? Yes, the barrier is down, but so far little has changed. What incentive will people who have gone their own way for centuries have to put themselves under someone else's yoke - and willingly?" He held up a hand to forestall protest, giving a slight shake of his head. "These aren't necessarily criticisms, but they are problems you'll need to think about, Maea. They were the same ones I ran into, when trying to feel out if a government was needed - or even wanted - here. I had too many other problems to work on to pursue answers, but you have now put yourself in the position where you will need to make the time to do so." He sighed, considering her own question with a thoughtful tilt of his head. "If I had moved ahead, though... Amalia and Rory have the admiration of many. Rory is a natural leader, though it's not a mantle he would seek on his own. Amalia... from what I have heard in rumor and gossip around town, she comes from a well-respected family. Not as wealthy as the Wordsworths, perhaps, but more admired for having a common touch and kindness. She, too, would avoid authority, but she is well-versed on the gods and offers a cautionary voice. She and Evie together would make a potent combination for representing Natural interests." He hummed tapping his fingers on the table as he ran through a list of other names. "The Northhaveners might have united under Ronin... but they are a militant bunch. Used to violence and desperation, and from a place where it sounded as though hierarchy mattered more than merit or morality. As individuals they may be more flexible or forgiving, but of them all... Vervain is the best choice, with Isla unable to step forward," he decided at last. "But I would also consider Rexanna, who was trained to rulership, or Caiside, who was a leader in his own world," he finished with a short nod to himself at the list. "And since they are not from Northhaven, they can more readily represent the interests of other Outlanders, as well."
He listened as Maea spoke about Roana, though his expression closed down and there was a tension about his eyes at her words. "So," he said softly when she was done. "She explained why she acts the way she does... but refused to consider changing her actions, in spite of being uninvited guests in your homes? Even after you tried to show her why so many protested to their heavy-handed actions?" He was very much biased against Roana, and he did not hide it from Maea, though he kept his tone civil and controlled.
He sighed, relenting and softening his stiff posture a little as the young woman seemed to shrink down on herself. "It was too soon," he murmured gently, feeling himself being manipulated... and deciding to allow it, for one of his Loreseekers. "We hadn't had time to train yet, no time for you to learn the skills you needed to survive in there... That is why Rory and I wanted to delay her attack. Though, yes, Safrin warned us that what we were doing would result in ruin and the anger of the Old Gods." Warned, even as she played favorites and gave Ronin the means to defeat the Spire's Guardian, sending very mixed signals to them all.
His eyes narrowed as the woman across from him shivered and looked ill, and he frowned again - though not at her. "Would you like tea?" he offered, a trace of his old kindness back in his voice. "And when you are ready, I would dearly like to know the details of your interaction with her. Though that will wait, as long as you need to," he reassured her gently.
RE: Heal what has been hurt - Maea - 04-10-2019
He had a point, and one that Maea still didn't have an answer to. She knew the reasons and Jigano knew them too, but to explain them to people who would never set foot outside the barrier even now that it only existed in their minds? Short of any actual threats from the outside it would be a hard thing to do.
"For now I want the dissent between Outlander and Natural be the main reason, and the Council a means to work out some of the differences... But you're right, I need to give it more thought.
Could... I ask you to help me with something to that end? I need to know what people complain about, what doesn't sit well with them. From both sides. I know some farmers crumble about extra work to feed everyone, and there was an issue raised about 'taking' the ruins in the Settlement for housing, with the counter argument being that there was no other alternatives...
But if there are other points of contention I really need to know. Not immediately, mind you, unless you know of something for certain...?"
The girl tucked away the names he offered for consideration. She had not known anything about Rexanna's or Caiside's past stints as rulers as her encounter with both had been brief, but Maea liked them both... and there was still spaces open if they would consider helping her. As for Amalia... their relation was complicated, but if Maea could work with Evie she could probably set aside her personal issues and work with the Chandrakant as well. After all, leaving ego outside the door was what she asked of everyone else, and she should be setting examples, shouldn't she?
"Vervain is already helping.. She volunteered, and I think she'll be a good help... But she's also very pregnant, so I will ask some of the others you mentioned if they would be interested. And your spot is always open, if you change your mind. Same with Rory."
Some of the worst tension was easing, in tune with Jigano's softening tone. If she was manipulating him it was done unintentionally, and if she had been seeking pity that too was not done on purpose. If he would forgive her for acting rashly it was already too much to hope for... and the girl wasn't foolish enough to think her actions would be forgotten. Didn't expect it. A fool she might be, naive and a hopelessly optimistic dreamer... but not stupid. She grimaced when he leveled criticism at Roana and even at Safrin - that was some nerves! - but only nodded in quiet acceptance; it had been a disaster, and no excuses could absolve her of responsibility.
"I wish..." she began, then faltered at the not-so-hidden steel in Jigano's eyes as he spoke of Roana. But now she had started and it was pointless to pretend she didn't like Roana - she did, as controversial as it might be right now - so Maea forged ahead anyway.
"I wish you and her could meet, and talk, and work out all these things. If you continue to mistrust each other like this, I don't think it will end well. For anyone." Another foolish hope; that two of get friends might stop arguing. Oh, it was a sweet dream, but was it possible?
Eventually the topic fell towards the Voice however, and with paling lips Maea nodded, accepting the offer of tea. It would not be easy to talk about that, nor pleasant. Alas, she recognized the necessity, and steeled herself as best she could before the inevitable questions would come.
RE: Heal what has been hurt - Jigano - 04-11-2019
He listened to her request, but even as she asked it he gave a careful shake of his head. "With the barrier gone, I will be spending less time here," he explained. "That was always my intention, once I suspected it could be brought down. I hadn't expected it to happen so soon... but now that it has, I will be expanding the interests of the Loreseekers out into the wider world. I already have requests from clients for information they wish pursued out there, and for me the Guild will always take precedence... as you said, Vai's motherhood will take precedence for her, and your new government will take precedence for you, over your work for the Guild." He shrugged in acceptance of the way the world worked, admitting gracious defeat to changed priorities. "You'd do better to try and coax Edrei into that position for you. As the Rathskeller's new mistress she's well-placed to hear complaints and gossip of the kind you seek," he added helpfully.
He nodded again at her invitation, but it was noncommittal this time. He had not exactly sworn off positions of leadership, but he was far more hesitant to take them on than he had been in the past. That was a chapter of his life he had no desire to reopen, no more might Rexanna, though she would still have good advice. A small group, a handful or so of people, yes. When he knew individual faces and stories and strengths and weaknesses... yes. But to lead a force large enough that he didn't know them all by name? Gods least fortunate, he was not ready to do that again any time soon!
He had spoken respectfully of Safrin's warning, careful not to malign the powerful goddess out loud, and so was surprised when Maea grimaced at the name. Perhaps she had a grudge against the Star-Eyed One? If so, it was something he wanted no part in. He had trouble enough walking his own tightrope between respect for the power of the local deities and frustration with the secrets that had been kept for so long, and the aid that had been given in drips and drabs at the end.
"We have met," the bard reminded Maea drily. "That is how I formed this opinion of her. And perhaps if her insult was to me alone I might have considered letting it pass. But she threatened more than just me, Ms. Valair. She threatened those who are under my protection, and she meant every word. For that, and for the conflict she tried to spark in her selfish quest for glory, she is not welcome here - not in my presence, and not in my Hall." He regarded the pale mage with ice in his eyes and an unyielding steel beneath his more usual calm humor. "Am. I. Clear?"
It was the last thing he had wanted to say, and part of him ached at the violation of the tenet he had intended the guild to be built upon... but Maea had gone behind his back once already, and he could no longer trust her not to do the same again, attempting to force some fairy-tale reconciliation on non-consenting adults. His hand had been forced, and though the decision was his alone he would not soon forgot who had created the situation that put him in such a position.
He prepared the tea in silence, allowing Maea to marshal her resources, and giving himself time to cage his temper and thaw the ice from his blood. He settled the steaming mugs in front of them both after awhile - one of Sam's blends, fruity and tasting of apples - before arching a brow at his colleague. "We do not have to do this today," he reminded her gently. "If you need more time to put distance between yourself and what happened. But if you want to get it over with, why don't you start at the beginning? Which shrine did you go to, and when?"
RE: Heal what has been hurt - Maea - 04-11-2019
The rejection stung, and the telling off over Roana was sharp enough to make her wince. She recognized burned bridges when she saw them, and hated everything that had caused such a rift to open between them. Her own poor judgement, the strong-headed stubbornness in Roana, Jigano's own unwillingness to compromise.... But most of all she hated the Voice, who was the ultimate reason why any of this happened at all. If not for her there would have been no barrier, no Abandoned ones, no Ascended and no Outlanders. Maybe she would never have met Jigano or any of the others, but she also would've had her family...
It was too much, and it all stemmed from one persons mad desire to fix something that wasn't broken. How ironic, that Maea could see parallells to her own actions there... Maybe it would have been better to leave the Hollow to adapt on it's own, when events called for it? But then, how many people would die in that process? If she could make it happen before anyone died...
Oh, Ludo. It was harder to be modest than she had thought.
"I... it's clear" Maea said very quietly, not even attempting to conceal how much it saddened her. "But Jigano, even if it's how things are right now... it's not how I want it to be. I don't want to lead, or even to farm. I don't want that to be my priority. I want to be here, as a Loreseeker, and I want to make it so that it becomes a reality.
If... you would still have me?"
It was up to him to decide. Could he trust her enough? Had she ruined too much between them that he wouldn't teach her again, or have her in the Guild? She was terrified that he would exclude her too, that she had used up all her goodwill on thoughtlessness.
But that was also the last thing she had to say about the council for now, and as she didn't know he had misinterpreted her shock over Safrin, Maea couldn't defend herself over that. She did not have anything against the Lady of stars, on the contrary. Maea wished for nothing more than to have the blessing of the goddess, and her only grudge was against herself, for being abandoned and thus unwelcome.
Against the Voice however... now there was a grudge worth harboring.
"I would rather get it over with" Maea said and reached for the tea, to cradle the hot cup between fingers made cold from the tension. But she would wait to start speaking until there was nothing else left to say; it wasn't a matter that should be mixed in with other topics, she felt.
RE: Heal what has been hurt - Jigano - 04-11-2019
"It is the choice you made," he said, gently but firmly. "The world does not always hinge on what we want, as you well know. You could yet choose to set aside this experiment - if you think you can give up that power. Nothing has yet been officially announced or done, beyond a little dabbling most will quickly forget, if you choose to walk away." He watched her for a moment, considering the pale, quiet girl who had come to him so timidly during Long Night. She had blossomed since then, strengthening at a rapid pace that almost defied belief. He had known Sam for much longer, and the bookmaker was only beginning to come out of his shell... with no few missteps and backslides along the way. The difference in their changes could not be more stark, and he gave a slow shake of his head. "I do not think you will, though. Power, authority... it can be a heady brew, and once taken up it is far harder to give away then you might have intended when you set these gears in motion. And it is a lesson that never really sinks in from being simply told about... it can only be experienced." He arched a brow. "But could you do it? Could you step back, right now, hand the reins to Evie or Vai, and let that power slip through your fingers? Or do you feel like no one else could do this right except you? That you need to be the one to control the course of how the Hollowed Grounds' first government is formed and run? And if you do not think you can let it go now... what makes you think that it will be any easier to step away later? There will be new problems, later. Things that need a strong, steady hand with experience at the wheel of governing. There will be problems you are in the middle of dealing with that you feel like you can't step away from, so just a little delay in changing power will be fine... and so it will go." He shrugged, lips twisting into a smile that was as much bitter as wry. "Or... perhaps not. Perhaps everything will go as smoothly as you hope and some unknown hero will arise from the ranks of your neighbors that you never realized before. But if such a natural leader existed to be elected... wouldn't they have stepped forward by now? Wouldn't they already be a part of your government?" He sighed, glancing down with a faint grimace. "Ah, don't mind my pessimism, Maea. Speaking of Roana has me on edge, especially knowing that she is now in a position of power over those who defied her will before."
He recovered his hands, tucking them into his wide sleeves as he considered the woman in front of him again, trying to force his mind from the ruts of a previous life he had little wish to revisit, and mistakes that had shaped him but left hidden scars behind in the process. "You are a Loreseeker, as much as Sam and Amalia and Caiside are. Everyone has their tasks they must do to feed themselves and find shelter and clothing. The Guild does not begrudge that - it expects it. This government does not change that, so long as you continue to help out with your guild work as and when you can."
Conversation break until we can get back to the Voice
RE: Heal what has been hurt - Maea - 04-11-2019
That was a difficult question, and Maea looked up at Jigano, even as she looked into herself. A part of her wondered what he would prefer, tried to read it from his face and his tone so that the could pick the right answer. The one that would make him pleased with her, happy and proud... Caiside had once pondered if they were siblings, because of the white hair they shared and had she known about it Maea would have been delighted. Somewhere, without really meaning to she had begun to slip Jigano into the void left behind by her brother. Even though she didn't actually know him, even though she would never admit to it or try to force hon to fill such a role. It just... happened, because of blue eyes and reassuring smiles and a penchant for always moving straight to the heart of the matter. This side was hungry for approval, craving acknowledgement and encouragement like a needy child, and would yield anything just to make others happy.
There was another part of her that refused to do things just to please others. The one that rebelled against Evie's bossing around as they grew up, who stayed in Noah's house even when gossipers called her a freeloader and didn't ask Jigano for permission before doing what she thought was right. A quiet, sleeping dragon nesting in her soul, that reared it's head every once in a while to roar before going back to sleep. Lately it had awakened more and more, ever since the buffers around her fell away and she was forced to tend for herself. It wasn't that Maea was stronger than Sam, or that the changes Jigano saw came any easier for her than for him. She just had no choice but to change or drown in despair. So she pushed herself as hard as she could, worked until her bones cracked in the single minded hope that they would grow back stronger. They had to, or she would break.
Could she let go of power, now that it was within her reach? Yes, she could. Because she meant it when she said that leadership wasn't what she wanted. Would she?
... No. For what she wanted came second to what was needed, and right now that meant a government. Her government, until such a time as someone else came along that were equally as or more suited for the task. Or took the power from her by force.
She sighed, and realized herself just how committed she was to the idea. When had that happened?
"I can't give up now" she said quietly. "Not without even trying. I couldn't live with myself if I did... But I am sorry that it comes at such a high cost. I never intended to undermine you, or jeapordize our friendship."
Or disappoint you...
RE: Heal what has been hurt - Jigano - 04-12-2019
An addict would also insist that they could quit whenever they wanted, Jigano knew. The test was if they 'would' follow through with it... and Maea's answer revealed that whatever she told herself, she was already as addicted to the authority she had taken upon herself as to any chemical drug. He bowed his head in acknowledgment of her decision, though there was a sadness in his chest as he did so. In the less than a season that he had known her she had already changed so much from the bright, earnest young woman he had invited to join the guild. He did not, exactly regret his decision, but if he had known then what he knew now...
Ah, but that was always the way of things, wasn't it?
"This is a fairly small price to pay to play the games of power," he said as he raised his head again, wearing the neutral smile of bard and Guildmaster with his old facility, though he let a little of his sadness through. "I have paid far worse, in truth, when I meddled with similar intentions. And so will you, I suspect, before you are through, but I recognize and respect your determination. I will not stand in your way." He exhaled slowly, reaching out to smooth a piece of paper on his desk, filled with his neat, tiny shorthand of notes, and when he looked up again it was with keener curiosity and and intent.
"Now, about that threat from the Voice you mentioned..."