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+---- Thread: Fill the spaces inside of my heart (/showthread.php?tid=9421)
Fill the spaces inside of my heart - Soleil - 04-24-2024
With Deepfrost fast approaching, Soleil strikes out to the Greenwing to revel in Halo's version of greenery before the late-blooming tundra flowers disappear for another season. Fighting with Talyson - and then Deimos - had worn out something inside her, something more than just muscles and ligaments. She is so tired. Luka has been tailing her like a vulture does an animal close to death, and she knows it's because she's so messed up in her head. Skyfall feels forever ago, but to her she's still stuck on that fateful night, far from home and with no way to get back any faster. Useless. Selfish.
She sits heavily on a downed log, burying her head in her hands. Diana bumps her nose up beneath her bicep, enough to lay her head on Soleil's lap in silent support. If Soleil hadn't left a note for her father asking him to meet her, she knows it's likely Diana would have traveled the hours it took to fetch him, because nobody can feel the last wall crumbling as clearly as her soul-sister. Whatever lies behind it is unknown to her. She just knows she can't keep this up much longer, and something has to give; forgiveness or condemnation. Her tears are bitter and quiet, but her shoulders shake as one hand drops to grip at Diana's scruff like it's a life preserver, holding on in the hopes it will bring her through this to the other side.
RE: Fill the spaces inside of my heart - Sah - 04-30-2024
Soleil's letter had been a surprise. Not that she'd sent one, but something indecipherable about it. The words, although benign, had made the hair on Sah's neck stand up, ice he was normally immune to filling his veins. Something was wrong. Very wrong.
That feeling persists as the Wild Thunder sprints to the Greenwing, Lilly and Pad close behind. Turning a bend, he spots his daughter, and the tears on her face. Letting out a wounded noise, Sah approaches and drops to his knees at her side. Being careful not to dislodge Diana, he reaches up and cups his daughter's face with his palms, [say]"Oh, my little sun. Talk to me."[/say] A thumb gently swipes a tear as he looks up at Soleil's face, [say]"I'm here, pup."[/say]
Lilly and Pad approach and sit on Soleil's other side, fully encasing her in the protected bubble of her pack.
RE: Fill the spaces inside of my heart - Soleil - 05-03-2024
Diana alerts her of her dad's arrival with a gentle touch through their bond, refusing to move her head from where Soleil is embracing it. As he drops down at her side she is already blindly turning for him, closest arm releasing her companion to cling to his shirt as her tearstreaked face presses into his gentle hands.
She's never felt judged for wearing her heart on her sleeve before, and even if those rare people hated it it had never mattered, because she had never felt any measure of shame or embarrassment for anything; laughing, crying, goofing off. For the first time her chest aches with the weight of the disparaging thought that she's being a burden, that she doesn't deserve this kind of gentle handling, even from her dad.
[say]"I-I don't know what to do,"[/say] she stutters out, trying to catch her breath enough to speak clearly enough to make sense. Her tears catch against his palms, but she leans in closer despite that. [say]"I'm so angry. At myself, at - at nothing -"[/say] she stresses, voice thin and reedy, [say]"because I don't have anyone to be mad at for a freaking meteor destroying our home except myself. I wasn't here, dad."[/say] Her throat burns and the tightness of her throat is painful. This is the crux of it all, isn't it?
[say]"I was off pretending to be an adventurer, doing nothing useful, and I was so far away I couldn't get home for days. Everyone helped fix things except me! And nobody is mad at me for it!"[/say] It bursts out louder than the rest, outraged by her own lack of consequences and punishment. Why? Why? Why? Her hand fists in his shirt and she sobs harshly, eyes scrunching tightly so she can't see the disappointment she's sure will surface on his face.
RE: Fill the spaces inside of my heart - Sah - 05-06-2024
Sah instantly begins making cooing noises, [say]"No, no, no my love, my little sun. You're not to blame. How could you possibly be?"[/say] It aches to see Soleil this way and the Wild Thunder doesn't know how to fix it. He presses a kiss to her forehead, [say]"You're allowed to be angry about what happened, sad about the loss, afraid of the future, and grieve for the changes. You're allowed to feel however you do."[/say] Sah takes a breath and wipes another tear, [say]"But do not blame yourself for something outside of your control, please." [/say]
Much to his despair, Soleil breaks down further. Sah wraps one arm around his daughter, pulling her close so that she can hide in the crook of his neck if she wishes. His other arm cradles her other side as well as the loyal wolf present. Diana is such a good companion, and the Wild Thunder is so grateful that she's Soleil's. [say]"You weren't pretending. You are an adventurer."[/say]
A soothing rumble builds in his chest, one he hasn't had to use in a while, and he can only hope that it works the same as it did when his pups were young. [say]"You're the warmest and kindest soul that I've ever met. Your love and desire to help others is a gift. I know you feel guilty, but you were stuck. Short of growing wings and flying, there was nothing you could have done. That's why no one is mad at you. They know, we know, that you did everything that you could."[/say]
Her face scrunches and Sah can't help the affection that rises in him. Tilting his head, he pecks her temple, [say]"Don't hide from me, little sun."[/say] The Wild Thunder lets out a sigh, his eyes slanting in thought, [say]"You know, I think you're even more like me than I ever realized. I blamed myself when Ru and Tal left Halo. I kept asking myself, 'Why? Was Halo not enough for them? Was I not enough of a reason to stay?' I felt like there was something that I must have done wrong or failed to do to keep them here."[/say]
RE: Fill the spaces inside of my heart - Soleil - 05-24-2024
Her dad has always been so strong. So much stronger than she could ever hope to be. Maybe there will come a day when Soleil realizes her dad is not infallible, but today there's not even a moment of hesitation or doubt as to whether he can withstand her weight be it physical or emotional. She turns her face into his neck as he pulls her closer and lets her body sag into his as her eyes burn and her shoulders shake. The newness of her doubts that she might not deserve this can't withstand the unshakeable faith that he'll catch her no matter what.
The rumbling in his chest isn't exactly the same, but if she closes her eyes it's close enough that it still works to quiet her crying enough to really hear him. The thrum of each word in his chest and throat is encompassing, driving home every point. [say]"What does adventuring matter? What am I achieving calling myself that except being selfish?"[/say] Her tears are hot and messy against his throat, smearing pitifully on her cheeks as she shakes her head slightly. [say]"My adventuring didn't help us rebuild. It didn't keep us safe. Luka stays here, why couldn't I?"[/say] Why is her heart so wild and always yearning? Why can't she control it? Why doesn't she want to? Doesn't that make her a bad person?
Her dad's confession is shocking enough that it snaps her to attention and out of her own misery, pulling away enough to open her eyes and find his, stunned. [say]"What? No! Of course it wasn't your fault!"[/say] She leaps to his defense with immediate ferocity. It had hurt when the two had left, and she can't imagine how much worse it was for her dad, but there was no way it could have been his fault. [say]"They just followed their hearts somewhere else. That doesn't mean you didn't do enough. They know you love them, and we know they love us."[/say] Right? Surely there hadn't been more to it that she doesn't know about? And if she's blind to her own hypocrisy it's inevitable, certain she deserves the blame when others don't for the same sins.
RE: Fill the spaces inside of my heart - Sah - 06-17-2024
Sah easily holds Soleil's weight, settling his arms tightly around her waist. [say]"It matters to you, so it matters to me. There's nothing wrong with wanting to explore the world and learn about yourself in the process. Despite having a permanent residence in Halo, I wandered all over Caido when I first arrived." [/say]His new world had been so vast, and there was so much to learn. There were cultural norms to understand, paths to explore, names of flora and fauna to memorize, and so much more. The Wild Thunder had read dozens of books in his first few seasons in Caido as soon as he'd learned how to do so. But nothing beats true experience.
Soleil clings and hides herself from the world, and Sah's heart aches at her cries. [say]"You and your brother have different personalities and priorities."[/say] Sah pauses for a heartbeat. [say]"To put it in terms of roles that you might have had in our original world, Luka seems to have been built to guard and defend while you were built to scout and learn."[/say] He gives his daughter a gentle squeeze. [say]"There's no need to compare. Both contribute and are equally important."[/say] In just the same way that there wasn't a logical reason to compare the twins. They were both perfect in their own ways to him.
Sah smiles widely as Soleil rushes to defend him, some of the sharp edges in his heart smoothing over. [say]"I know that now."[/say] It had taken time and a conversation with Deimos to sort out the misplaced emotions, but the Wild Thunder finally got the truth through his head. [say]"Them leaving had nothing to do with me and was out of my control. I did my best with the situation and adapted."[/say]
The Wild Thunder raises a brow and gives his daughter a pointed look, [say]"Do you understand?"[/say] His lips twitch, wondering if his roundabout lesson would work on his straightforward pup.
RE: Fill the spaces inside of my heart - Soleil - 07-04-2024
It's unfairly effective to use himself as a comparison not once but twice. Soleil doesn't just love her dad, she idolizes him. If he'd explored all around Caido as a Halovian then...well, she can't really argue that, can she? The guilt is so personal and painful that she worries she can't swallow it, but maybe it's not really guilt. Maybe it's remorse. She didn't do anything wrong by not arriving faster after Skyfall - but she can regret that she didn't.
The slight change in wording feels like blinking sunlight out of her eyes and finally seeing more than an endless, painful white haze. It still hurts, but it hurts so much less.
[say]"I'm not...disappointing you, right?"[/say] It's a tiny string of sounds, hardly a whisper. Her and Luka may be equally important in their different roles and desires as he says, but - [say]"Did you - do you - want me to do something different? Something...more?"[/say] He can justify her usefulness, but her adventuring is more personal than helpful to Halo. She needs to know if he can tell a stranger about her and be truly, sincerely proud. That she's not falling short somehow by not moving out, or dating, or trying to rule a region like Sohalia or Flora did at her age.
Nodding meekly at his pointed stare, she feels the guilt ease into what will firmly become regret and nothing more, leaving only the growing pains of life and the accompanying uncertainties to contend with. [say]"I get it. I'd forgive Luka if it happened to him - maybe Halo feels that way too."[/say] They're a tight-knit community. Maybe she just needs to accept that her people are as capable and willing to forgive as Soleil would be if the situations were reversed. Maybe she doesn't need forgiveness anyway, just understanding and compassion. Damn her dad for making such a good point.
RE: Fill the spaces inside of my heart - Sah - 07-08-2024
Sah very nearly chokes on his next breath. He's clearly failed his daughter if she even feels the need to ask such a question. He somehow pulls her closer and his wide eyes meet equally gold ones. [say]"Soleil, my little sun? What..ho..how could I ever be disappointed in you?"[/say] The thought has never crossed his mind.
One hand reaches up from where it held her to cup her cheek. [say]"I am so proud of you. Every day. I brag about you nonstop. You are my brave, kind, free-spirited, and beautiful daughter. You're an incredible person, and I couldn't possibly love you more than I do."[/say] He loves that she was still living at home where he was within easy reach should she need him. He trusts that she'll leave if and when she's ready. He's constantly blown away by her brilliant mind and loving soul. He adores that she challenges herself to try new things and see new places, always exploring and gaining more experience. Sah is so so so damn proud. How could he not be? [say]"I want you to be you. In whatever form it takes at whatever time. Be true to you and never regret it."[/say]
Her nod proves that she at least seems to get his point about not blaming herself but Sah is still completely stuck on his own failure as a father. [say]"Yes, Halo does."[/say] The Wild Thunder presses a quick kiss to her forehead, [say]"You do know that I love you, right?"[/say] Because that went hand in hand with being proud of her, and if she didn't believe one, gods, he hoped she knew the other.
RE: Fill the spaces inside of my heart - Soleil - 07-09-2024
Soleil doesn't mean to hurt him the way she clearly does, and her teeth pluck and worry at her bottom lip in clear regret and self-consciousness. Their grip on each other never wavers, and it's the only thing that gives her the courage to explain herself. That, and his vehement reminder of his love and pride - because she has never doubted that, never, but -
[say]"Because everyone in Halo is given some sort of expectation to live up to,"[/say] her voice wobbles unfairly as she leans her cheek into his hand pitifully. [say]"The Seawrights, the Olsons, the Hales. And some of the kids used to complain about that because they didn't want to do what their family had always done but..."[/say] Soleil's face wrinkles, half-dried tears sticky and uncomfortable as she tries to search for why this worry lingers in her head when half the Natural Halovians in her graduating class would have killed for the freedom her dad provides her.
[say]"I don't care what anyone else thinks about me. I care what you think. I mean - I care if you had - have? - dreams for me, or goals, and I'm not meeting them."[/say] It's a weight that her peers had dreaded, raised with it already chained to their necks, but Soleil can't help but seek to understand. Would she even want it if she felt it? If he says he really did have a life in mind for her will her wondering become dread? Is she just craving some sort of tangible history and familial torch to carry? Something that the destruction of their home world and the loss of her mothers had taken from her?
Laying her hand over his, she gives him a sad smile. [say]"I know you love me dad,"[/say] she whispers, certain as the sun. Diana whines softly, head still in her lap. [say]"I love that you let me be me. It's just so different from everyone else that it's hard not to feel like we're the ones doing things wrong."[/say] Her gold eyes - his eyes - fall away toward Diana, face crumpling with a rare touch of grief. [say]"It feels like all of us are just floating in space without a family tradition, or role, or history here. Is it normal to not be bothered by that?"[/say] To be okay with having never led a region, or been part of a council, or been uplifted as a demigod or a war hero? Her father has never seemed unhappy or unfulfilled without the sort of recognition every other Caido native seems to hunger for, and to see herself following in his footsteps makes her wonder if they're the anomalies.
[say]"Would it have been like this back home? With my moms? To be expected to be happy and nothing else?"[/say] Grief is a rare shadow in her eyes as she whispers this question like a confession, wondering if maybe her heart's desires would have felt more natural in the land it had originated from. Maybe Sah raised her just as he should have, and it is Caido that can't fit the Lovi family perfectly; maybe they'll never truly overcome their status as Outlanders, for better or worse.
RE: Fill the spaces inside of my heart - Sah - 09-01-2024
Sah stays silent as he listens to his daughter vent her insecurities and pain. It breaks his heart to hear, but he absorbs each statement as he tries to find the words to explain why he'd taken the path he did in raising them. It's a relief that she knows he loves her, and a weight falls off of his chest as he gives her hand a squeeze, [say]"Good. Don't ever doubt that."[/say]
When it's clear that Soleil is done, the Wild Thunder sighs as he finally puts his thoughts into words, [say]"You're right. We are outliers. Perhaps even more so than other Outlanders. We have our small traditions that have been transferred over, but the big ones? The ones that you speak of, they're not applicable. I felt like I was aimless when I first came here, and at times, I still wonder about my choices. Emotions are tricky. It's normal to feel that way and it'd be equally normal not to."[/say] The fact that they all lived together still and that they tended to sleep in blanket piles was the most noticeable. But more importantly, despite not being the only Outlanders new to humanity, they alone seemed to be heavily influenced by their past forms. The Lovi's were still wolves inside and that likely would never change. Especially if two of the members ended up changing their races.
Sah's eyes narrow, [say]"But I don't regret my choices. I spent time advising Halo because I craved that power, but I finally found my place in Caido with my family. Protecting and supporting you all is my goal. Leadership was too restrictive of a role to do that in, so I've chosen to remain a simple hunter."[/say] Those very expectations would have limited him despite the power. A Warden or leader couldn't fly off the rails to defend their family because it would put their region under fire. But a simple hunter? They absolutely could. He could destroy anyone who threatened those he loved without worrying about it backlashing too drastically on Halo itself. Sah wasn't as powerful as a Demi-god but he was certainly powerful enough now to make anyone regret crossing his loved ones.
Soleil's final question is valid, and the answer isn't easy. The Wild Thunder tilts his head up with a hum before answering, [say]"If we were back home. I'd be leading and protecting our pack, negotiating with allies, and keeping our enemies at bay. I'd have the final say in all manners of our family and friends. And you and Luka. Well, you two would have been groomed for leadership, and one of you would have been expected to take over after me."[/say] If they both had wanted, he would have had the difficult choice of testing them both and choosing, but he leaves that out. It doesn't matter anymore.
Sah meets her eyes resolutely because this is the part that matters, [say]"But if neither of you wanted to, I would have broken tradition without hesitation. I would have ensured that you had the knowledge if you changed your mind, but I wouldn't have forced you into that position. Despite all the power, it's restrictive and heavy with expectations. If you wanted a different life, I would have allowed it and fought anyone who said otherwise. The advisors and elders likely would have demanded that I have more pups so that one would succeed me instead. And I would have because that would have been an expectation that I wouldn't have been able to escape as Alpha."[/say]
Soleil and Luka likely wouldn't have minded younger siblings, but he feels that they would have felt guilty about the necessity of their birth if they had known. Truth be told, if they were back home, Sah would never have even told them that their hypothetical younger siblings were born for such a thing.
With all of Solei's worries, the Abandoned wonders if he's failed his pups by trying to give them such freedom. Maybe he'll have to talk with Luka after this as well. Sah rests a hand on Soleil's' cheek, [say]"If you need direction and a specific expectation from me, I'll give you one. Soleil, my daughter. I challenge you to find what sets your soul ablaze. Find what puts air in your lungs and light in your eyes. Whatever it is may change and likely will as you grow. But feed your soul, and the rest will fall in place. I will always be here to help you up if you stumble, but this is something that you have to do for yourself.'[/say]
He'll be here to catch her if she falls and celebrate her victories. Maybe this challenge isn't what she asked for, but it's all he can give. The Wild Thunder will never tell his pups how to live their lives.
Sah tilts his head like the wolf that will forever be within him, [say]"Do you accept?"[/say]
With the challenge set, the duo made their way home, where the Wild Thunder could bundle his daughter up in the softest blankets while he made her favorite meal.
-[FIN]