{se} feels like I'm sleepwalking when you're gone

Hotaru

Somewhere my lifeline still hums and sings
In the mess of all I have thrown away

The ebb and flow of emotions - with him, at least - is still so precious and new, and his reassurances sink into the holes of her shame and pull it apart until it has nowhere left to hide, dissolving into nothingness. Hotaru has always been the one to take control, either out of a need to hold all the cards or some misplaced belief that it was necessary. Even with Sunjata, she had longed to take the weight from his shoulders, to take even the burden of thinking and choosing away from him regardless of how and where they were entangled. It's hard not to feel guilty for not trying to do it again, but she can't. She wants to open this door, bare this vulnerable part of herself, and trust that he will take care of her. Of everything. A trust she's never placed in anyone, not even in Sunjata, in those halcyon days of their past.

It's why the easy reminder of his love for her has her warring with tears, no matter how happy they are. At least with his lips against her neck he can't see them or misunderstand why they're present. She's incandescently happy, but there will always be that brief moment of fear when you freefall, no matter how secure you are in the knowledge you'll be caught. I love you too, is all she can manage, because surely he will feel the rest, but these words are ones that are better heard.

His fingers at her clit make her thighs jolt and clench uselessly, barred by the presence of his hips between them. She gasps straight into his ear, hand tightening around the base of his horn and around his shoulder. You can mark. I don't mind. A reassurance that comes almost shyly as she feels the touch of his teeth scrape without real pressure against her shoulder. Hotaru doesn't intend to hide this, hide him, no matter what the future holds. A sweet contrast to the way her lower back arches off the bed in mindless desire for more, craving the electric touch of his fingers.

Hungry now,
I am gathering new seeds to throw wide