So here's to everything coming down to nothing
Here's to silence that cuts me to the core
Here's to silence that cuts me to the core
For a moment - just a moment - everything was right with her world. It was so easy to close her eyes and pretend that this was just another minute in their lives, that she'd never hurt him, that he'd never left, that this was their first Deepfrost together and they'd just come in from decorating for Longnight, or some such thing -
But then reality came crashing down, and she reluctantly let him go, and she was back to watching him silently, unsure what to say or where to start. When he asked if they could sit, a momentary flash of hurt crossed her face - that he would ask to do something so simple, something that she had once taken so much for granted... well, it stung, and there was no denying that. But she schooled her expression, trying to stay calm, nonjudgmental.
"Of course," she said smoothly, feeling rather more like herself as the Heart than like herself as Sohalia. "Can I get you anything? I have chamomile tea, or some cranberry juice, or...?" She trailed off. What did it say that she kept his favorites even now, after all this time, on the off chance that he came home? Never mind that she poured the cranberry juice down the drain every time it went bad, since she didn't drink it herself.
When she'd gotten him whatever he wanted - or, if he preferred, nothing at all - she settled with him on the couch, sitting close to him but not touching him, twisted sideways to face him on the couch. She longed to reach out, to hold his hand, to toss her legs over his, to cuddle up close and never let him go, but the part of her that had once found all of that so easy balked now at the thought. Because now things were different, and it wasn't easy, and she wasn't sure that it ever would be. Not now.
And then she just listened.
There was so much to take in, and Soh fidgeted with a ring that she wore on the first finger of her right hand, twirling it around and around to keep herself from reaching for Jude's hand, or his cheek, or to pull him into a hug. He'd been through so much in the time they'd been apart, and a part of her was almost relieved - not that he'd had to experience such terrible things, of course, but that there had been a reason for his disappearance. She'd spent so long thinking that it must have been her, never imagining what he had gone through. And who would?
Strangely enough, she understood. She'd been in Jude's brother's shoes, and although she hadn't killed anyone, it had been a very near thing. She was pale as she considered how close she had come to doing just that - if it hadn't been for Mateo... But this wasn't about her. It was about Jude.
And then he said he'd gone to Koa.
A strange buzzing filled her ears. Once upon a time, he would have come to her, not as the Heart or as anyone official, but as his friend. As his most trusted confidante. And she could have gone with him to report the crime, to help him, to do whatever it was that he needed. But he'd chosen Koa over her.
He'd chosen Koa over her.
And there it was: the anger that she'd fought so hard to ignore, rearing its ugly head at possibly the most inopportune time. She shoved it aside, focused on Jude's tears, clenching her hands in to fists in her lap in order to keep herself from wiping them away. Jude's pain was what was important here. Not hers.
Just like Jude's pain had come first, how Koa's pain had come first.
But what about Soh? What about her pain?
She swallowed hard. "I'm sorry you had to see that," she said in a voice that sounded far away to her ears. "But I understand. Family comes first." And she, clearly, wasn't family. Not to Jude.
Maybe she never had been.
But then reality came crashing down, and she reluctantly let him go, and she was back to watching him silently, unsure what to say or where to start. When he asked if they could sit, a momentary flash of hurt crossed her face - that he would ask to do something so simple, something that she had once taken so much for granted... well, it stung, and there was no denying that. But she schooled her expression, trying to stay calm, nonjudgmental.
"Of course," she said smoothly, feeling rather more like herself as the Heart than like herself as Sohalia. "Can I get you anything? I have chamomile tea, or some cranberry juice, or...?" She trailed off. What did it say that she kept his favorites even now, after all this time, on the off chance that he came home? Never mind that she poured the cranberry juice down the drain every time it went bad, since she didn't drink it herself.
When she'd gotten him whatever he wanted - or, if he preferred, nothing at all - she settled with him on the couch, sitting close to him but not touching him, twisted sideways to face him on the couch. She longed to reach out, to hold his hand, to toss her legs over his, to cuddle up close and never let him go, but the part of her that had once found all of that so easy balked now at the thought. Because now things were different, and it wasn't easy, and she wasn't sure that it ever would be. Not now.
And then she just listened.
There was so much to take in, and Soh fidgeted with a ring that she wore on the first finger of her right hand, twirling it around and around to keep herself from reaching for Jude's hand, or his cheek, or to pull him into a hug. He'd been through so much in the time they'd been apart, and a part of her was almost relieved - not that he'd had to experience such terrible things, of course, but that there had been a reason for his disappearance. She'd spent so long thinking that it must have been her, never imagining what he had gone through. And who would?
Strangely enough, she understood. She'd been in Jude's brother's shoes, and although she hadn't killed anyone, it had been a very near thing. She was pale as she considered how close she had come to doing just that - if it hadn't been for Mateo... But this wasn't about her. It was about Jude.
And then he said he'd gone to Koa.
A strange buzzing filled her ears. Once upon a time, he would have come to her, not as the Heart or as anyone official, but as his friend. As his most trusted confidante. And she could have gone with him to report the crime, to help him, to do whatever it was that he needed. But he'd chosen Koa over her.
He'd chosen Koa over her.
And there it was: the anger that she'd fought so hard to ignore, rearing its ugly head at possibly the most inopportune time. She shoved it aside, focused on Jude's tears, clenching her hands in to fists in her lap in order to keep herself from wiping them away. Jude's pain was what was important here. Not hers.
Just like Jude's pain had come first, how Koa's pain had come first.
But what about Soh? What about her pain?
She swallowed hard. "I'm sorry you had to see that," she said in a voice that sounded far away to her ears. "But I understand. Family comes first." And she, clearly, wasn't family. Not to Jude.
Maybe she never had been.
Where is this going?
Thought I knew for a minute, but I don't anymore
Thought I knew for a minute, but I don't anymore
Sohalia
