A Devil's Bargain

Secrets I have held in my heart
Are harder to hide than I thought

Even the mention of the word threesome makes Jude’s neck and ears flush red. He and Sohalia haven’t even had sex - though that might largely be Jude’s fault - so it’s clear that particular arrangement is beyond his comfort level. Normally a fluster like that would linger, but Koa’s gruff tone can’t hide the hurt of his assumptions. And can Jude even call them assumptions when Sohalia had said the exact same words to him?

It’s unfair. It’s unfair to him, yes, but Jude has never exactly prioritized himself above others. What matters is the ache in his chest as he watches Koa try to breeze past it, brush over it. Reaching out, he tentatively hooks two fingers still damp with condensation around any of Koa’s he can reach. “You’re one of the coolest people I know Koa. You made me feel safe in like, two seconds when that lady was being awful, and I didn’t even know your name.” A kind of safety and relief that Jude hadn’t experienced much in his life before then. “You’re smart and kind and funny and strong and -” whatever confidence had kickstarted this attempt at comfort begins to wither as he bails out on the word handsome, heat climbing in his cheeks, “- and I don’t know how I compete. Um, not that I want to be at all.” Gods he sucks at this. So instead he soldiers on, squeezing Koa’s fingers briefly in the hopes it will do the same to the mess of words in his throat. “I think you deserve the world. Certainly more than second place.” And while Jude can’t force Sohalia to feel differently, he doesn’t exactly feel good about winning over Koa. In fact it just makes him feel sick and sad as he takes his hand back.

Smiling shyly, mesmerized by the intensity of Koa’s gaze and unaware of all the ways the Dragoon could break his quiet heart, Jude tilts his head in a wave of thick curly hair and extends his bottle to clink against Koa’s. “We are friends. And we’ll keep being friends. I promise.” And Koa has no way of knowing, but Jude has avoided promises his entire life. Never believing them in others after every single one was broken; I promise I’ll stay, I promise I’ll find mom, I promise Edmund is coming home, I promise we’ll be okay. But Koa seems worth the promise this time - and at least when he’s the one saying it, he knows it’s true. And maybe Koa will hear the gravity in it regardless, and understand in some small way.

Here’s to hoping.

- Fin!

I'm standing at the edge of the world
Where do I go from here? Do I disappear?

Jude