[say]”I left because I knew if I stayed I’d hurt you worse than leaving you would.”[/say] The words, paradoxical as they might sound, were nothing but the truth, and Loren pleaded with his eyes and his tone for Remi to understand. However, it seemed that the alchemist wouldn’t, or couldn’t, based on the way the other man spoke about and how messy it was and how there was no going backwards or forwards in a way that would make everyone happy.
What is it you want?
The words echoed in Loren’s ears, ringing in an endless circle. He bit his lip and dropped his outstretched hand to hug himself instead, while looking away from the other man’s piercing gaze. The truth of the matter was, the summoner didn’t know what he wanted, beyond wanting this all to be over. Beyond wanting to do something to erase the pain and heartbreak he’d caused the alchemist. Beyond wanting to get through another day that was empty of anything but hurt and loneliness.
No. That too was a lie. He knew what he wanted. He was just too afraid to admit it. Yes, too afraid to tell Remi, but mostly Loren was too afraid to tell himself because everything he’d ever wanted had hurt him in the end.
But he’d promised honestly.
And he needed to keep at least one of his promises.
[say]”What do I want.”[/say] It came out as more of a breath than anything else. Still, he lifted his eyes to meet Remi’s. [say]”I want those I care about to be safe and happy.”[/say] His voice was gaining strength, though it was still soft and tentative. [say]”I want to feel something other than this crippling loneliness and depression.”[/say] It hurt to say that, but the alchemist had asked and if there wasn’t going to be anything between them moving forward than the Launceleyn would take this final opportunity to try and explain why he’d ruined everything. [say]”I want to leave behind a legacy of something other than death, and destruction, and pain, which seems to be all my family and I are good for.”[/say] There was a wistful quality to his voice now, and his eyes were far away though they still looked into the other man’s.
[say]”I want to love, and be loved, a love that isn’t twisted and painful or marred by people hurting me and telling me it’s for my own good, to make me stronger.”[/say] Loren’s voice completely broke now and he slumped where he stood. [say]”Again, that is.”[/say] Because he’d had that once, with Remi. Before Loren had ruined both their lives by being too weak to accept the unconditional love that the other man had offered.
What is it you want?
The words echoed in Loren’s ears, ringing in an endless circle. He bit his lip and dropped his outstretched hand to hug himself instead, while looking away from the other man’s piercing gaze. The truth of the matter was, the summoner didn’t know what he wanted, beyond wanting this all to be over. Beyond wanting to do something to erase the pain and heartbreak he’d caused the alchemist. Beyond wanting to get through another day that was empty of anything but hurt and loneliness.
No. That too was a lie. He knew what he wanted. He was just too afraid to admit it. Yes, too afraid to tell Remi, but mostly Loren was too afraid to tell himself because everything he’d ever wanted had hurt him in the end.
But he’d promised honestly.
And he needed to keep at least one of his promises.
[say]”What do I want.”[/say] It came out as more of a breath than anything else. Still, he lifted his eyes to meet Remi’s. [say]”I want those I care about to be safe and happy.”[/say] His voice was gaining strength, though it was still soft and tentative. [say]”I want to feel something other than this crippling loneliness and depression.”[/say] It hurt to say that, but the alchemist had asked and if there wasn’t going to be anything between them moving forward than the Launceleyn would take this final opportunity to try and explain why he’d ruined everything. [say]”I want to leave behind a legacy of something other than death, and destruction, and pain, which seems to be all my family and I are good for.”[/say] There was a wistful quality to his voice now, and his eyes were far away though they still looked into the other man’s.
[say]”I want to love, and be loved, a love that isn’t twisted and painful or marred by people hurting me and telling me it’s for my own good, to make me stronger.”[/say] Loren’s voice completely broke now and he slumped where he stood. [say]”Again, that is.”[/say] Because he’d had that once, with Remi. Before Loren had ruined both their lives by being too weak to accept the unconditional love that the other man had offered.
