the monsters turned out to be just trees

The white sheep of the family

When Remi’s voice spoke up from a raccoon’s body directly in Loren’s ear he nearly jumped out of his skin. As it was, he flinched and felt his body twitch at the uncomfortable sound and sensation. He also had to yank back at the magic that instinctively tried to leap out of him. ”Remi! Haven’t you learned better than to startle me?” If the alchemist didn’t learn to give the summoner a warning he wasn’t sure they’d both survive this friendship. ”I didn’t know that about the Fae. But I’d rather be able to participate in the conversations if at all possible.” His voice, previously cheerful, held an annoyed tone in it. The other man had rattled the Launceleyn, perhaps more than he cared to admit.

Will blood tell

Coding base by Sky!

hope keeps us breathing, just to kill us in the end

Scrambling to keep hold, Remi's claws dug into the various pelts as his small body was nearly thrown entirely off of the summoner's shoulders. Tittering something unhappy, the raccoon hung like some sort of animorphic hairball on the back of Loren's coat, his fur on end and adrenaline pumping through his veins. "You asked me a question." The alchemist replied, sounding flustered. Leaping off of Loren's shoulders onto the bough of a nearby tree, the small creature eyed the summoner below with a wary and unhappy glance. Dexterously climbing down, the alchemist shifted back into his body with graceful ease, brushing a bit of snow from his shoulder and decidedly not meeting Loren's gaze.

"Ah yes, because you are so easy to talk to these days." Remi quipped back, his tone equally rattled and bothered.

The white sheep of the family

Remi might’ve been unhappy, but Loren was the wronged party here. So the raccoon could be as sad as he wanted to. It wouldn’t change the fact that the summoner was annoyed. Yes he had asked a question. However, he hadn’t asked the alchemist to develop a voice to speak directly in his ear. It had been a weird and unpleasant sensation. ”So do you speak directly into all your friend’s ears, or just me?” Thankfully, the other man finally detached himself from the Launceleyn’s shoulders, leaping to a nearby tree. Loren eyed the raccoon warily, but Remi just jumped to the ground and shifted in a graceful motion.

Wagging a finger at the other man’s comment, Loren shook his head. Astra stamped as well, clearly sensing the summoner’s displeasure. ”Hey, I cuddled you. And who was ignoring who earlier?” If Remi really wanted to criticize the summoner’s social skills then Loren was going to give as good as he got.

Will blood tell

Coding base by Sky!

hope keeps us breathing, just to kill us in the end

With a softly wounded look, the alchemist narrowed his eyes for a moment halting the immediate retort on his lips: wondering whether or not Loren jumped as much during pillow talk. It was the same really, at least insofar as head and lip placement went. "Don't worry. I will not make that mistake again." The alchemist said a touch bitterly, puffing out a cloud of cold air.

Eyeing both Loren and Astra, suddenly feeling very much the third party—perhaps all the more now that he was in an entirely different body and not 'part' of the duo as he had been moments ago—the alchemist merely sighed heavily. Alone again, then.

"I answered your questions." The alchemist replied tersely before setting off again. Please, he prayed silently to the woods around. Please let the way be faster. The last thing he needed was for the Greatwood to find some amusement in all of this and make their journey take even longer.

The white sheep of the family

Well, maybe the Greatwood wouldn’t make their journey any longer, but Loren was definitely making it harder. Two steps forward, infinite steps back: that had always been the way with the two of them. Even if Remi couldn’t remember that, the summoner could. Sighing, the Launceleyn stopped walking. He was trying to be better, and he hated to see all the progress they’d both made since this morning ruined just because the summoner got a little freaked out. And since he was clearly in the wrong, he needed to do something to fix his mistake. ”Remi, wait. I’m sorry. I overreacted. I didn’t mean to snap at you.” Astra, responding to something in the Launceleyn’s tone and posture, brushed against his side, and his hand came to rest on her back while he hugged himself with his other arm. ”Please come back?”

Will blood tell

Coding base by Sky!

hope keeps us breathing, just to kill us in the end

Remi didn't want to hear it, and not simply because his normally overly forgiving and kind heart was bordering on being irreparably torn apart. He didn't want to hear it because...well, Loren wasn't as in the wrong as might have thought. That what Remi needed from his once-lover and maybe-friend didn't force an obligation onto the summoner to somehow be that. The Launceleyn didn't want touch, didn't want the alchemist's playful antics. That was fine.

It was why Remi had a husband after all, to be the things in the world he craved most. It wasn't Loren's fault that Ronin wasn't in a position to provide those things.

"It is fine. You were right, I know how you are." He said, animosity and upset gone from his voice, as was just about everything else. Now it was a hollowed out and accented shell. "Come on. You said you were wet and cold. The sooner we get there, the sooner you can dry."

The white sheep of the family

Well now this was just getting ridiculous. Loren couldn't help the exasperated sound that came from his lips as Remi retreated again. ”Seriously? First of all, I can apparently heal hypothermia, so I’m not in any danger of dying out here. Besides, even if I was, you’d probably pick me up and carry me somewhere warm. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve been wet and cold for an extended period of time, so I can handle it.” All of that was hard to imagine (well, except the last bit), but it was definitely true.

However, that wasn’t really the most important thing right now. Loren forced his tone to gentle as much as he could. ”You’re right, you know how I am. But what you don’t know is what I want to be.” The summoner hated the pleading tone that crept into his voice, but the last thing he wanted was for the alchemist to close himself off again because the Launceleyn was being his usual idiotic self. ”You think I like flinching at loud noises, and not being able to accept casual touches, and seeing threats in every shadow?” Surely the other man could not be that dense. Maybe Remi needed to hear it out loud though.

”I don’t. But...I don’t know how to get better on my own. I think we can agree on that much. So, yes, I will overreact, and I will do things you don’t like, and I will make many, many mistakes along the way. I’m still trying to be open and honest, though, despite all that. So can you...can you be patient with me? And can you be open and honest with me as well?” These were all sentiments that Loren had been carrying around for a long, long time. The Greatwood in the middle of Deepfrost, when the alchemist was mad at the summoner and the other man was understandably stressed and worried about his husband and the world, was probably the worst place and time to express them. But they were out in the open now, and Loren felt better for having said all that.

Will blood tell

Coding base by Sky!

hope keeps us breathing, just to kill us in the end

Apparently the issue was not going to drop. They had to go when Loren wanted, halt when Loren wanted, and talk when Loren wanted. And apparently only during those times. Turning slowly as if with great reluctance, Remi fixed his pale stare on the summoner as Loren laid out the charges as he saw them. "So you being cold is only reason for me to hurry up, but not you? Just an excuse to get me off of you? You might have just said, Loren." So much for the contact being something the summoner genuinely wanted.

But then as the Launceleyn forced another of his walls down, guilt and crushing levels of shame closed around the alchemist making his ears buzz with it and dragging his eyes to the ground. Someone else, someone for whom subservience and the notion that their life was meaningless hadn't been ground into the fibre of their being, might have told Loren that as good as it was he was trying to reinvent himself, that Remi simply hadn't the capacity to deal with it. That if the Launceleyn was only okay with small increments of contact, that he shouldn't have repeatedly mentioned being pounced on. That if he was jittery enough that hearing the voice of a man who the summoner well knew could partially shift, that he might have mentioned to Remi he shouldn't be on his shoulders. Shouldn't have asked him questions without wanting answers.

That, whatever Loren was going through, Remi was already far, far deeper into much more treacherous waters and that perhaps once, Loren could go without being the center of everything for more than a few moments.  But that wasn't Remi, not even now. Biting the inside of his cheek as tears of regret and dispair pushed their way through, Remi took a few unsteady steps towards Loren extending his hand forward but not necessarily meaning for the Launceleyn to take it. It was more a gesture of...something, probably. Only Remi's mind was too full of competing emotions to properly make sense of anything.

"No, you are right Loren. I am sorry." Running a hand across his forehead and then scrubbing at one of his eyes with the heel of his hand, he pulled in a breath of frosty air and let it out slowly. "Of course I will be patient. Always, from now on." He vowed through an impossibly cherub-like smile.

As for being open and honest? "I think you do know most of what I am feeling." Remi said, running a hand through his curls. And the rest? "But not everything can be said, I suppose. And I think you know why."

The white sheep of the family

”Of course not, Remi. I..I didn’t mean it like that.” Loren hadn’t been intending for it to sound anything like Remi was interpreting it. All the summoner had meant was that his discomfort mattered less than the darkness that kept manifesting in the alchemist’s words and actions; it was too hard for the Launceleyn to see the other man like this, but everything Loren did just seemed to make it worse.

As Remi looked down, the summoner’s fingers closed a bit too tightly on Astra’s fur. She gave an annoyed grunt, then pulled away and trotted over to the alchemist. Yet another sign that the Launceleyn just screwed everything up given enough time. As the other man took a few steps forward and lifted his hand, Loren found himself moving ahead as well, his own fingers seeking out the alchemist’s. Although the summoner didn’t know if Remi was looking for comfort in that moment, Loren felt the need to provide it, and the other man always responded better to physical than verbal support. Or maybe Loren was just bad with words. It didn’t matter.

Softly, the Launceleyn shook his head. ”You don’t have to apologize. I’m the one with all the problems asking you for your help. In fact, I'm sorry I'm so terrible at accepting it.” Honestly he was probably asking for too much, now, from the already overburdened alchemist. ”I get it.” Or at least the summoner would say he did, even if he didn’t quite understand what Remi meant in that moment. Loren searched the other man’s eyes for some hint. Actually, maybe instead of assuming or trying to intuit (neither of which he was particularly good at) he should just ask. ”What do you need right now? And what do you want?”

Will blood tell

Coding base by Sky!

hope keeps us breathing, just to kill us in the end

Gently the alchemist's gaze moved towards the luxere, wilting beneath her benevolent gaze. I am sorry to you as well. He thought towards her, though without those elusive level 11 perks the fawn wouldn't be able to hear his thoughts.

Glancing at the summoner, Remi's fingers trembled ever so slightly in the cold air, not knowing precisely what it was he wanted or even expected from Loren. He wasn't looking to hold his hand exactly, but, as inappropriate as it might have been to even put to words, he needed skin. He needed actual warmth, something real. So as Loren's fingers slipped against his own, the alchemist let his eyes close against the rush of tears that threatened to streak down his face.

"We've enough competitions on the go without adding in who-can-apologize-most." Remi mumbled, the air escaping from his lungs in another strangled sort of sob. The Launceleyn's embrace before had been a bandaid, but of course nothing had really healed, and so when it was torn off the alchemist was left just as raw and broken beneath. He felt like a burden to be once again reduced to tears, to be halting their progress, to be such a cause for concern.

Looking up, eyes made ever more green by the presence of tears, Remi returned Loren's stormy-blue stare. "Loren." He implored softly, feathers appearing in his curls and lining the edges of fingers still tentatively brushing against the summoner's. "I cannot tell you that." The alchemist bit the inside of his cheek hard. Though he ever opted for honestly, there were some things he simply could not say. "Not ..you.." He added, eyes wide and wounded. The corners of his lips twitched into a smile that was clearly put there for the Launceleyn's benefit. A it does not matter, I am fine expression that lasted about as long as ice in a desert. Whatever was in Remi's head and heart, given everything that had happened and the road the Launceleyn had to walk to find himself again, there was no way the alchemist could unburden himself on the man before him.

The white sheep of the family

Thankfully, Remi let Loren capture the other man’s hand in the summoner’s own. As the alchemist’s eyes clouded with tears and then closed, the Launceleyn made sure his grip on Remi's fingers was firm. ”So you concede this competition to me, then?” There was a gentle humor in Loren’s voice, as well as a coaxing tone: if Remi would just come back from wherever his mind had taken him, the summoner would be content.

Then the other man looked up and met the Launceleyn’s eyes and her found himself holding his breath at the look in Remi’s suddenly green irises and the tone in the other man's voice. Almost, almost, Loren demanded to know why the alchemist couldn’t speak whatever happened to be on his mind to the summoner. That wasn't the full honesty they'd agreed too, after all. However, the feathers in the other man’s hair and brushing against the Launceleyn’s skin caused him to hesitate. To listen. To look. And while the summoner really didn’t understand what this last barrier was that the alchemist had erected (except maybe in a dark, secret place where Loren had locked away some feelings that he, too, could not express to Remi), the Launceleyn would respect this boundary.

”Okay. If you’re sure.” His voice came out in a soft and uncertain whisper. Giving the other man’s hand one last squeeze, the summoner let go, arms falling to his side helplessly. ”Can you at least tell me what I can do for you that you will accept?” Because they couldn’t keep going like this, or at least Loren didn’t think they could.

Will blood tell

Coding base by Sky!

hope keeps us breathing, just to kill us in the end

Whether or not he did truly conceede was left vague. Though Remi's lips did twitch ever so slightly into a smile, though the Launceleyn would have had to be looking in order to see it.

As Loren's hand slipped away the alchemist felt cold and distant once again, but instead of turning away from the summoner he merely nodded, his own hand trailing back against his leg. "Honestly Loren, I really do not know. The hope everyone has in Vi...I think it may well work for the majority, but ...not for.." Clenching his teeth together, Remi looked through tear-heavy lashes and shook his head with a pathetic withheld whimper. "Ronin's blight comes from Safrin herself...he is the worst of them. The farthest progressed and the most gone. I have not—" Remi's fingers clenched at his sides, wanting to drag one across his lips if only to remind himself of the sensations that once were there. Instead, he simply bit his lower lip hard enough to draw  bright bead of blood. "—the blight does not kill them, it only changes them. They become...what you said you saw. And once that happens, it is in them. It becomes them."

Looking up at Loren, Remi held up a shaky hand. "What I do not want are promises. I do not want appeals to hope and faith. I want.." Wiping the blood from his lip the alchemist grimaced, releasing the breath he'd been holding only to stare brokenly at the canopy overhead. "I want to smell something other than decay and earth on those that I care for...I want lists of things I need for Rex's wedding, not of those that are blighted. I want to use my magic for good, not to keep those I care about restrained while they beg for blood and death and try to attack all that they see...I..." Remi's breath hitched, tears streaking down his face. "I want to fall asleep next to someone I love...and I want them not to leave." Because when last he'd seen Ronin, his husband had done just that. Remi woke alone in the woods next to the embers of a dying fire, surrounded by blood and loneliness.

"You cannot give me those things, Loren." Remi concluded in a naked whisper. Some, were out of the Launceleyns reach, and others? Like loving and not leaving? Well. Loren had done precisely that once already. So while the summoner was right that they couldn't go on as they were, they also couldn't go on with the expectation that Loren could fix any of it either. The alchemist needed love, comfort, stability, affection...not a list that the Launceleyn was well-positioned to provide.

The white sheep of the family

It hurt to hear that there was nothing Loren could do for Remi. However, seeing as that was the case, the Launceleyn wasn’t going to make promises or declarations that the alchemist simply wouldn’t believe. So while he wanted to say that surely the gods would be inclined to treat one of their own first and foremost, and by extension Ronin, the summoner stayed silent. And while he wanted to say that even if the Roses failed and the king descended into the blight, that didn’t mean they couldn’t come up with alternate solutions, ones that relied on their own powers and not the will and grace of divine beings they weren't sure they could trust. And (and this most of all) while Loren wanted to tell the other man that there was still good in the world and that he still did good with his magic, the Launceleyn remained quiet.

However, as blood bloomed on the other man’s lip, the summoner could not stay still. Stepping forward, he reached up with a softly glowing finger, intending to sink just the tiniest trickle of healing magic into the alchemist. Whether or not Remi accepted it, Loren would give the alchemist a haunted smile. ”You’re right. I can’t." For so many reasons he couldn't. "But maybe others can.” Aoife was still there, bright and true and loving, and while it obviously wasn’t the same for Remi, it might be enough. Maybe even better. And then there was Astra, who was winding around the other man’s legs making a soothing sound, trying to provide what comfort and support she could. ”Do you know anything about flowers? I told Rex I did, but honestly I couldn’t come up with anything that bloomed in winter.” It was, at best, a non-sequitur, but one that made sense in context.

Will blood tell

Coding base by Sky!

hope keeps us breathing, just to kill us in the end

A sound that might have been a moan had there been any air in the alchemist’s lungs to begin with, was instead a strangled sort of gasp as Loren’s healing light, and finger, closed the split opening on his lip. Feathers nearly outnumbered his curls now as he watched the summoner pull away, shivering at the sight of his haunted smile, knowing not what it meant.

Others? There weren’t. That was precisely the problem. Aoife spoke to Ronin as if he were a star in the sky again, the sweet lullabies she cooed up to him a chilling reminder of the future racing towards them. Ianto, with whom the alchemist had made new memories of passion with? Blighted Phoebe? Lost in the woods Vai? Newly smitten with each other Deimos and Amalia? Poor lost Sam? No...all his friends had more things to worry about. More in their lives than Remi. Even Loren had his family.

The gentle nuzzling of the deer pulled at Remi’s mind, and he couldn’t help but smile at the sight of her. “Have you met Auni yet?” He hummed softly, glancing up at Loren who’d have to serve as her mouthpiece (for at least one more level).

The question of flowers was a surprising ones, but then again not really, not if Loren’s goal was to take Remi’s mind off of their current conversation. “Who says they need to bloom in winter?” The alchemist asked as a whisper of mirth swept across his tear-streaked cheeks. Kneeling down, Remi placed a hand onto the cold earth. A brilliant green sapling sprung forth, growing tall before blooming into a white flower with long slender petals almost like a snow flake. Next to it a more wooden bud appeared, this one offering up fuzzy and soft pussywillows. Lost in the magic, a veritable garden of soft pastels, vibrant screams of colour, and blooms of every size sprung up around them.