From being an Abandoned who had rarely left the Hollowed Grounds, to embracing the call of adventure, to dying and being reborn first as an Ascended and then as an Ancient, Maea has gone through quite the amount of changes in her life. One thing remains common, though, in her attempts to find out just where she belongs; she’s always had a craving for knowledge which has brought her to so many places and to meet so many people here in Caido. We can’t wait to see what else is in store for her!
Congratulations, Maea!
Credits
Court of the Fallen was created in October of 2018 by Odd, Honey, and Crooked.
Skinning and hosting by the epically talented Kaons, and functionality fanciness by the coding magic of Neowulf. If you ever see either of them around, make sure to show them some love!
I've been very hopeful so far
Now for the first time I think we're going wrong
Hurry up and tell me this is all a dream
Or could we start again, please?
Phoebe swallowed and looked down at her knees, swathed in layers of fabric to ward off the chill. ”I know he is. I think I probably got the blight from Ronin.” she muttered quietly, a small sniffle the only sign of her continued distressed. ”I don’t want to visit him though. I don’t…I don’t want to hear him say he doesn’t want to associate with me anymore. I don’t want to risk it.” she said, her face scrunching up in a pained frown. Her eyes squeezed closed and a few more blackened tears rolled down her cheeks.
She wiped at the tears roughly and tried to focus on Loren’s question. ”I’m mad at myself. At the things I did. I am disgusted by it.” she said quietly. Instead of exploding at others she was exploding at herself. The memories made her hate herself more and more each day. The loneliness she felt was raking against every nerve. ”And I just…I don’t want to be alone but I’ve hurt everyone I care about.” she said pulling her knees up to her chest and resting her forehead against them.
Given that they had absolutely no idea how the blight spread Loren wasn’t sure he trusted Phoebe’s supposition that she’d gotten it from the king, especially because the healer had been totally wrong about how it was transmitted before. Still, the summoner knew better than to comment on that. ”Trust me. Not knowing is always worse than knowing, regardless of what the answer is. Besides, if anyone can find it in their heart to forgive what you did, what any of the blighted did, it’s Remi.” If the Launceleyn could do it, then the alchemist, who was much kinder and much more open-hearted than Loren was.
Alright, Phoebe was being self-pitying to an absurd degree, so he was going to borrow a page from Remi’s book. Just because the summoner was bad at dealing with his own emotions, and those of the people closest to him didn’t mean he was totally hopeless when it came to the emotions of others. It helped that he’d been coaxed out of the dark place his mind went so often recently that he knew what worked and didn’t work. ”Phoebe. Look at me.” Whether or not she chose to do so, he made his voice as calm as certain and reassuring as he could manage. ”No one I have spoken to blames any of the blighted for what they did or said while they were sick. No one is mad at you. I promise. So please. Please don’t be mad at yourself.”
I've been very hopeful so far
Now for the first time I think we're going wrong
Hurry up and tell me this is all a dream
Or could we start again, please?
Phoebe sighed, not wanting to admit that he was right, but knowing he was. Remi was too kind for his own good sometimes, and she would just torment herself if she didn’t know for certain. ”I suppose you’re right.” she said quietly with a sniffle, wiping away the last remnants of her tears.
And though he thought she was still blighted enough to suddenly strike out against him, she listened to his command and turned her head to look at him, her temple rested upon her knees now. She swallowed a lump in her throat. ”Shouldn’t I still be held accountable for all the awful things I did?” she asked quietly, her fingers trembling where they curled into her skirt and blanket scarf.
”Well, there’s only one way to find out.” And that was for Phoebe to go talk to Remi; they both knew the alchemist, but after Loren’s encounter with the other man, the summoner didn’t really know what to expect. As Phoebe actually turned to look at the Launceleyn, he gave her an encouraging smile. At this point, he was pretty sure she was telling the truth about being cured, at least in part, though he still kept his distance. Better safe than sorry. ”Only if you believe you had any control over your actions. So. Do you?” If she did, well, she’d have to find a way forgive herself somehow. But if she didn’t, then no, she should not be feeling guilty.
I've been very hopeful so far
Now for the first time I think we're going wrong
Hurry up and tell me this is all a dream
Or could we start again, please?
Phoebe sighed, her shoulders slumping a bit. ”I know.” she mumbled. There was a true fear that she would be met with rejection and vile – which wouldn’t have surprised her in the least but she still didn’t want it. Remi was like her brother, closer to her than any actual family she had left any more. ”I’ll go see him. I promise.” she said, straightening slightly to lean back against the wall again where she on the window seat.
He asked if she had any control over her actions, and without hesitation she shook her head. ”It was like…watching myself do things but I couldn’t do anything to make it stop.” she said with a frown, glancing at the ground. It had felt like a violation really, her body controlled by the blight and its machinations to destroy the world around her, using her like a pawn in its ploy.
Phoebe promised to go see Remi and Loren nodded in acknowledgment. The alchemist would be able to assuage the healer’s fears far better than the summoner could. However, it seemed that even the Launceleyn might be able to help her with her unnecessary guilt. ”So if you weren’t in control, if it was making you do things you didn’t want to do, then how could you possibly blame yourself?” She couldn’t: it was as simple as that, though somehow he doubted it would be so easy.
But as he'd been saying all this time, it was the blight, not her.
I've been very hopeful so far
Now for the first time I think we're going wrong
Hurry up and tell me this is all a dream
Or could we start again, please?
Phoebe bit her lip as she thought on his question. She supposed it was still her body, so in that way she was responsible. But a body on its own couldn’t cause harm to others like she had done, it needed a mind to control it and force it to act upon another. The mind that had done so hadn’t been her own, but a blighted monster that used her memories and body to do horrible things. ”I don’t know.” she admitted at length with a tired sigh. ”I guess…I’m just used to putting the blame on myself for things…even if it isn’t really my fault.” she said with a light shrug.
It was a habit that Frey had chided her for more than once, but it was one that was terribly difficult to break. ”It…sounds kind of dumb now that I say it out loud like that.” she said with a hint of a laugh.
Loren smiled at Phoebe, well familiar with the habit in question. ”Hey you said it, not me. But yes. You really should not and can not blame yourself for actions outside your control. Especially in this instance.” Staring at her intently, though his voice remained calm and soothing, it took on an insistent tone. ”Repeat after me. It was the blight, not me.” If he had to he’d have the healer say that mantra again and again until even she was forced to believe it.
I've been very hopeful so far
Now for the first time I think we're going wrong
Hurry up and tell me this is all a dream
Or could we start again, please?
She managed a slightly wider smile at his words – a rarity as of late. ”You thought it though, didn’t you.” she said as more of a statement than a question. ”I know I can’t it’s just…hard not to sometimes.” she said. She felt a lot of responsibility for the happiness of others, and when she failed to meet that impossible goal, she struggled to not blame herself for her shortcomings – even when those shortcomings were caused by a blight no one fully understood.
But apparently he now wanted her to repeat a mantra of sorts, and a rather silly one at that. She had never really thought that repeating simple, declarative statements did much of anything. ”It was the blight, not me.” she said, lacking any sort of convincing conviction in her tone.
”A gentleman never tells.” Granted, Loren wasn’t exactly a gentleman anymore (nor was he sure that he ever had been) but Phoebe probably wouldn’t know any better. At her comment that it was a hard habit to break, he gave her a sympathetic look. ”I know. But you have to keep trying.” He had to as well, so he knew how tough it was. However, he found himself unimpressed with the healer’s declaration. ”Again. This time, like you mean it.”
I've been very hopeful so far
Now for the first time I think we're going wrong
Hurry up and tell me this is all a dream
Or could we start again, please?
”Are you supposed to be a gentleman?” she said dryly, teasing him just a bit. It was the first sign of her playfulness returning since the blight had taken a stronger hold of her mind, a bit of light in the darkness that had consumed her recent days. But she did relent a little, and with a sigh nodded at his counsel. ”I know, I will do my best.” she said, as much a promise to herself as to him.
He told her to repeat the phrase again and she sighed heavily. Why though? ”It was the blight, not me.” she said, louder than before but every bit as unconvincing, this time accompanied by a funny face as she puffed up her cheeks with air.
Phoebe’s teasing tone was the final straw that convinced Loren she probably wasn’t faking this in some attempt to lull him into a false sense of complacency. None of the blighted he’d encountered had acted like that, so he took the few stairs up to her level and leaned against the top of the staircase. ”Supposed to is tricky.” Honestly, he had no idea who he was supposed to be in Caido, and never had.
Alright, so, the healer still didn’t quite get it and the summoner still wasn’t quite convinced. ”Again. We’re going to keep doing this until you make me believe it.” His voice was deadly serious, a stark contrast to her antics.
09-18-2019, 09:20 PM (This post was last modified: 09-18-2019, 09:20 PM by Phoebe.)
Phoebe
I've been very hopeful so far
Now for the first time I think we're going wrong
Hurry up and tell me this is all a dream
Or could we start again, please?
”Tricky how?” she asked, feeling a bit of relief as he finally came to the top of the stairs. Apparently she had proven she wasn’t the same blighted monster she had been in the weeks prior. It still reared its ugly head every now and then, but it was nothing like what it was. Pim also plopped down then, glad that the man was staying and helping to calm Phoebe down. She listened to other humans much better than she listened to him.
The sudden sternness of his tone, coupled with the very ineffective task he wanted her to perform, for whatever reason, struck her as positively ridiculous. So ridiculous in fact that it, coupled with the built up stress and anxiety she had from the previous weeks of torment bubbled over. At first it was just a little giggle. Then another, more prolonged giggle, until finally she was laughing outright, eyes squeeze closed and blackened tears rolling down her cheeks as she held her ribs and pressed her face to her knees. It was the sort of bone shaking laughter that the body produced as a way to relieve stress, and boy had she been stressed lately. ”It was…the blight…not me…” she managed between giggles, breathless and teary eyed from mirth.
Loren crossed his arms as he considered how best to answer Phoebe’s question. Then he decided to go with the truth. ”I don’t know what a gentleman is supposed to be,” he told her honestly. It certainly wasn’t how he’d acted since his return, that was for sure. As she broke down into hysterical giggles, his expression softened; that was far better than the tears from earlier. However, he’d meant what he said before that he was going to keep making her do this until he felt she had internalized it. So she wasn’t off the hook yet. ”Again.”
